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My ex emailed me to break up, saying he didn't want to have a girlfriend. He had already moved my replacement into his house. The two of them had been cheating together for a few months.

I was doing all sorts of unhealthy behaviors after the breakup, so I finally decided to move several hundred miles away. It worked. I don't know that is the right solution for everyone but it was for me.

We'd been together for 4 years. I thought I loved him. But I do not love him now. I want nothing to do with him. So time and distance worked.

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7 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

 

I am sorry she was unnecessarily specific: that must have really stung. So, you know who it is. It does not sound like they are in the same vicinity. Additionally, it seems like you do not need to interact with this person regularly, so there is the silver lining. Consider blocking him on all of the socials while you heal from this. 

I reckon most of us have had an ex jump from us to someone else. You will recover. Regarding your "toxic mind," I am not sure if I know what you mean. But, I assure you that it is normal to feel pain, to fixate, and to ruminate at this time. Try not to "stress about the stress," as that will only cause more suffering. Your current state of mind is just information: your body/mind is not enjoying this loss. 

I don’t even really remember the guy. I am sure I met him but definitely don’t know him. I won’t have to cross paths. I won’t be near any of them fortunately. I did notice they aren’t Facebook friends anymore. I am not going to bother asking, but I assume she felt guilty and blocked him. I am pleased if she did. I’m not naive enough to think she will run back into my arms. She may even be talking to someone else. But if she broke contact with that guy it alleviates the sting some. 
 

I developed it around 2010-2012. So many failed attempts at dating. So many being one of many guys. I fall hard. So I’ve had a lot of issues with girls who just aren’t as serious about me as I was them. But mentally I am screwed up from all the games and toxic bs. 
 

thought for awhile there it was gone, but then my 5 year relationship took a turn when I found my GF sending nudes to others on dating sites. So that reopened a gaping wound of untrusting. Of toxic thoughts like others romantically involved with my girl. 
 

I was in love with this girl too. So naturally when I think of what she told me, how she likes this other guy, my mind goes to overthinking toxicity. Like it convinces me he probably flew to visit. Or they are hooking up. When in all reality it’s probably just is or was casual snap chats or texts. And again it seems like they aren’t FB friends already, which means knowing my EX she probably blocked him out of guilt. But who knows. 
 

rationally I shouldn’t think about any of that. I try to distract or tell myself that’s silly. But toxic overthinking isn’t just so simple as “just don’t do it!” 

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7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My ex emailed me to break up, saying he didn't want to have a girlfriend. He had already moved my replacement into his house. The two of them had been cheating together for a few months.

I was doing all sorts of unhealthy behaviors after the breakup, so I finally decided to move several hundred miles away. It worked. I don't know that is the right solution for everyone but it was for me.

We'd been together for 4 years. I thought I loved him. But I do not love him now. I want nothing to do with him. So time and distance worked.

That’s one silver lining is I’m not currently living with her anyhow. Does suck because I’m still in our apartment though. She has clothes there. Her grandmothers wedding ring that she had wanted me to propose with (back before she decided she doesn’t love me anymore obviously). All our pictures all over the wall etc. Definitely not fun, can’t wait to get out of there. 
 

I’m sure in time it will pass. Didn’t think I’d lose the love for my last gf but I did over time. 
 

I suppose in a way the added insult, although more difficult at first with betrayal, might make it easier to let go eventually once you completely convince yourself they obviously had a lack of care or respect for you. I personally wasn’t technically cheated on, but it doesn’t feel too far off 

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Thanks for your reply and explanation. I see better what you mean.

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I don’t even really remember the guy. I am sure I met him but definitely don’t know him. I won’t have to cross paths. I won’t be near any of them fortunately. I did notice they aren’t Facebook friends anymore. I am not going to bother asking, but I assume she felt guilty and blocked him. I am pleased if she did. I’m not naive enough to think she will run back into my arms. She may even be talking to someone else. But if she broke contact with that guy it alleviates the sting some. 

Okay, good news. But, it's probably best to block Mr. Groomsman and either unfollow her (if you have self-restraint) or politely block her. As a general rule, visiting the ex's Facebook page will only bring pain.

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I developed it around 2010-2012. So many failed attempts at dating. So many being one of many guys. I fall hard. So I’ve had a lot of issues with girls who just aren’t as serious about me as I was them. But mentally I am screwed up from all the games and toxic bs. 

thought for awhile there it was gone, but then my 5 year relationship took a turn when I found my GF sending nudes to others on dating sites. So that reopened a gaping wound of untrusting. Of toxic thoughts like others romantically involved with my girl. 

Sorry for your traumatic experiences. There are plenty of people out there who (1) want a committed, loving relationship and (2) will not betray you. Perhaps you have been investing your time in the wrong people, or leaning into romantic partners who pull "games and toxic bs" (that said, people like you with a "gimmick" to exploit are commonly required in order for those games to work). Have you ever tried working through why you are naturally selecting those types of partners, or why you are commonly finding yourself in those types of situations, with a therapist? Since you are grieving hard at the moment, you may find therapy both helpful and insightful.

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So naturally when I think of what she told me, how she likes this other guy, my mind goes to overthinking toxicity. Like it convinces me he probably flew to visit. Or they are hooking up. When in all reality it’s probably just is or was casual snap chats or texts. And again it seems like they aren’t FB friends already, which means knowing my EX she probably blocked him out of guilt.

(...)

rationally I shouldn’t think about any of that. I try to distract or tell myself that’s silly. But toxic overthinking isn’t just so simple as “just don’t do it!” 

Rumination and repetitive thoughts are common parts of the human experience, especially when one experiences a significant loss. I do not suggest you try to avoid the thoughts. Reason being, it is oxymoronic to try to consciously pretend a thought isn't there: the best way to ensure a dreadful thought will continue to float unfettered around your mind is actively trying not to think about the thought. So no, it's not that you just shouldn't think about it. The thoughts will happen. But you can decide how and under what conditions they stay. 

My favorite strategy for addressing these repetitive thoughts is debunking. I allow the thoughts in, and then deconstruct them by acting like my mind's defense attorney. I might think "wow, I am really unattractive." Playing devil's advocate/defense attorney, I could then reply, "I am reasonably fit. I went on a date last week. [Person] asked me to a formal dance event last week. [Other person] you gave me flirty eyes this morning. Obviously, you are capturing the interest of the opposite sex, Pleasedonot5..." You, of course, would tailor it to your speculation/repetitive thoughts about any what-ifs, hypotheticals, or ex's activities. If it doesn't work, well then it doesn't work. Other strategies like reframing, activity, expression, or mindfulness may work better for you. 

I think you might benefit from this video on repetitive thoughts, which goes over the topics I just discussed. It's a long video, but the content is helpful. I sometimes listen to the author in the background or just before bed. 

---

I may have over-extended the scope of my reply, but I genuinely hope it helps lessen your suffering in some way.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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How exactly do I heal from this? It’s been about 3 weeks know since I saw her last and when she broke things off with me. I cannot even figure out what stage of grief I am in. 
 

I am not sleeping well, I am not myself. I do not have much joy. I am not outgoing or confident like I generally am. I constantly find myself reminiscing on good times. Memories, and questioning how and why this happened. The only good in all of this is I have been working out a ton and trying to self improve. 
 

 But I feel hopeless. I don’t think I’ll find another woman who ticks the boxes for me like this one did. So much good and potential, so swiftly cut down without much warning. All I do is think of her. Fight the urge to talk to her. Constantly reminding myself that there’s nothing I can do. No grand gesture. No winning her back. I know how she is, I am sure there is a few guys already lined up at her door. And she cannot be alone so I know she’s talking to someone. 
 

the smart, rational person would think I deserve better. To forget this biotch. But, my heart is still invested. I foolishly miss her and want to help her, even though she deserves nothing from me. 
 

true heart-break is probably the worst thing ever. I feel so alone. Obviously none of this is helping me improve. I even have a very cute girl highly interested in me, but I feel like a wounded, maimed baby deer. Broken and defeated and not at all interested in anyone else. 
 

F this. 

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3 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

How exactly do I heal from this? It’s been about 3 weeks know since I saw her last and when she broke things off with me. I cannot even figure out what stage of grief I am in. 
 

I am not sleeping well, I am not myself. I do not have much joy. I am not outgoing or confident like I generally am. I constantly find myself reminiscing on good times. Memories, and questioning how and why this happened. The only good in all of this is I have been working out a ton and trying to self improve. 
 

 But I feel hopeless. I don’t think I’ll find another woman who ticks the boxes for me like this one did. So much good and potential, so swiftly cut down without much warning. All I do is think of her. Fight the urge to talk to her. Constantly reminding myself that there’s nothing I can do. No grand gesture. No winning her back. I know how she is, I am sure there is a few guys already lined up at her door. And she cannot be alone so I know she’s talking to someone. 
 

the smart, rational person would think I deserve better. To forget this biotch. But, my heart is still invested. I foolishly miss her and want to help her, even though she deserves nothing from me. 
 

true heart-break is probably the worst thing ever. I feel so alone. Obviously none of this is helping me improve. I even have a very cute girl highly interested in me, but I feel like a wounded, maimed baby deer. Broken and defeated and not at all interested in anyone else. 
 

F this. 

I totally understand it really hurts but where I think you're going wrong is that you still keep talking to her. I think you really need to block her on everything and not speak anymore. You're really hurting so why continue torturing yourself and looking at her social media and all this? What if she starts tagging se guy on social media, do you really need to see those kinds of things?

Personally I wouldn't be falling for her bs lines like: "Who knows what the future will bring, maybe we'll be together again." It sounds like she's just throwing you breadcrumbs and maybe keeping you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out with other guys. 

I think you should just cut her off and don't give her another chance again. She snooze, she lose! Lol

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5 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I even have a very cute girl highly interested in me, but I feel like a wounded, maimed baby deer. Broken and defeated and not at all interested in anyone else. 

You won't be ready to date anyone else for good, long while yet. 

And that's okay. You are going to need plenty of time to process, and heal. 3 weeks out is still the beginning, so be patient with yourself. It hurts. It hurts a lot. You will okay days, and you will have bad days. The key is to trust the process of recovery and trust that time will help you emotionally untangle from all of it. 

I feel for you, OP. I was betrayed in a long-term relationship, many years ago now. It's disorienting and leaves you with so many questions. But the strength you will realize you have, in moving past it all? There are few greater feelings. Once you're past the worst of it, you will be amazed at how resilient you are and how far you have come. 

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On 6/11/2021 at 4:52 PM, EitherDare0 said:

This kind of emotional damage is what breaks men and women for relationships

Not really OP.  If that were the case a very large proportion of the population would never have a relationship again.

The trick is not to take up with the wrong kind of person, the emotionally damaging sort. 

Neither of the two relationships is worth your pain or your tears.

 

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I am not sleeping well, I am not myself. I do not have much joy. I am not outgoing or confident like I generally am. I constantly find myself reminiscing on good times. Memories, and questioning how and why this happened. The only good in all of this is I have been working out a ton and trying to self improve. 

Sorry you are going through this, OP. You are dealing with a lot at the moment. Heartbreak is not easy. 

The self-improvement and working out is a productive step toward moving on. Keep it up.

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But I feel hopeless. I don’t think I’ll find another woman who ticks the boxes for me like this one did. So much good and potential, so swiftly cut down without much warning. All I do is think of her. Fight the urge to talk to her. Constantly reminding myself that there’s nothing I can do. No grand gesture. No winning her back. I know how she is, I am sure there is a few guys already lined up at her door. And she cannot be alone so I know she’s talking to someone. 

Break-ups are generally not easy for anyone, and people respond to loss in different ways.

You have listed several adverse possibilities - but they are only possibilities. There are infinite possibilities. You do not / will not know how she is doing currently and you cannot predict your own future.

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the smart, rational person would think I deserve better. To forget this biotch. But, my heart is still invested. I foolishly miss her and want to help her, even though she deserves nothing from me. 

true heart-break is probably the worst thing ever. I feel so alone. Obviously none of this is helping me improve. I even have a very cute girl highly interested in me, but I feel like a wounded, maimed baby deer. Broken and defeated and not at all interested in anyone else. 

I lol'd at "biotch." Anyway. 🙂 

It is not foolish to miss a recently gone ex-girlfriend, especially if you were deeply invested in the relationship. Do not be frustrated that you are not ready for a new relationship or other type of interaction, no matter how cute the person showing interest is. You are only three weeks out from tremendous loss and still fixated on that loss.

Yes, the pain of losing someone dear to us is probably one of the worst pains we will ever face. Most/all of us posting on this thread have gone through a tremendous loss like this in our own lives. For instance, I remember my first love, call her L. When L broke up with me, I was a wreck. That loss is what first brought me to this forum. I was fixated on the relationship I just lost and the idea of her, probably for about a month on-end of just incessant, unescapable ruminations, all day every day. It was figuring out what went wrong and coming to terms with it (including my own mistakes), fixing those things, self-improvement (like working out and being more social) that eventually got me over that loss. L and I eventually reconciled, but it was after I felt better, and I know now that I was not even fully confident in getting back together at that point. After some time, I ended up breaking up with L.

I emerged from that darkness and gloom (and others, since) as a wiser and more resilient person. Others have, too. You'll get there too, in time. Keep up what you have been doing. It gets easier in time if you do the right things, I promise. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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On 6/21/2021 at 2:32 AM, Tinydance said:

I totally understand it really hurts but where I think you're going wrong is that you still keep talking to her. I think you really need to block her on everything and not speak anymore. You're really hurting so why continue torturing yourself and looking at her social media and all this? What if she starts tagging se guy on social media, do you really need to see those kinds of things?

Personally I wouldn't be falling for her bs lines like: "Who knows what the future will bring, maybe we'll be together again." It sounds like she's just throwing you breadcrumbs and maybe keeping you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out with other guys. 

I think you should just cut her off and don't give her another chance again. She snooze, she lose! Lol

I do not disagree with you. I am two weeks away from moving to Arizona, with friends there, leaving this old life behind. It will certainly be easier when I am not alone 24/7, and sitting in "Our" apartment we got together and lived in for over a year.

 

The maybe we will be together stuff, yeah I do not take much stock in that. I figure either she says that bc she feels bad and guilty, or she thinks I will stay on the hook. I do not plan on that. 

What will probably happen, is I will move, be around other people, and not talk to her. She will likely at some point realized she F'd up. I hope she does, I hope she chews on that mistake for the rest of her life lol.

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On 6/21/2021 at 4:47 AM, MissCanuck said:

You won't be ready to date anyone else for good, long while yet. 

And that's okay. You are going to need plenty of time to process, and heal. 3 weeks out is still the beginning, so be patient with yourself. It hurts. It hurts a lot. You will okay days, and you will have bad days. The key is to trust the process of recovery and trust that time will help you emotionally untangle from all of it. 

I feel for you, OP. I was betrayed in a long-term relationship, many years ago now. It's disorienting and leaves you with so many questions. But the strength you will realize you have, in moving past it all? There are few greater feelings. Once you're past the worst of it, you will be amazed at how resilient you are and how far you have come. 

I think the worst part is there is no closure really. No real explanation, she half attempted to explain, but seems she does not even know. Not to mention, I get dumped via text. Doesn't have the nerve to do it in person or at least call me. 2.5 years and that's how I get dumped, a text.

I really wish I could at least have some closure of why or what happened. Looking back on things, she was not at all portraying that she wanted to separate. With the things he was saying, and snapchats etc, in the weeks up to, even a week prior. I just do not buy she fell out of love with me. It makes me think there is more to it, but if there is apparently she is resigned to not talk about it.

 

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On 6/21/2021 at 4:42 PM, Pleasedonot5 said:

Sorry you are going through this, OP. You are dealing with a lot at the moment. Heartbreak is not easy. 

The self-improvement and working out is a productive step toward moving on. Keep it up.

Break-ups are generally not easy for anyone, and people respond to loss in different ways.

You have listed several adverse possibilities - but they are only possibilities. There are infinite possibilities. You do not / will not know how she is doing currently and you cannot predict your own future.

I lol'd at "biotch." Anyway. 🙂 

It is not foolish to miss a recently gone ex-girlfriend, especially if you were deeply invested in the relationship. Do not be frustrated that you are not ready for a new relationship or other type of interaction, no matter how cute the person showing interest is. You are only three weeks out from tremendous loss and still fixated on that loss.

Yes, the pain of losing someone dear to us is probably one of the worst pains we will ever face. Most/all of us posting on this thread have gone through a tremendous loss like this in our own lives. For instance, I remember my first love, call her L. When L broke up with me, I was a wreck. That loss is what first brought me to this forum. I was fixated on the relationship I just lost and the idea of her, probably for about a month on-end of just incessant, unescapable ruminations, all day every day. It was figuring out what went wrong and coming to terms with it (including my own mistakes), fixing those things, self-improvement (like working out and being more social) that eventually got me over that loss. L and I eventually reconciled, but it was after I felt better, and I know now that I was not even fully confident in getting back together at that point. After some time, I ended up breaking up with L.

I emerged from that darkness and gloom (and others, since) as a wiser and more resilient person. Others have, too. You'll get there too, in time. Keep up what you have been doing. It gets easier in time if you do the right things, I promise. 

The thing of it is, she seems completely content with her decision. You would think she was planning this escape for months, but if so she wasn't showing it. I saw some warning signs, but for the most part things seemed good. She was very talkative, attention seeking, lovey dovey etc. One would think such a swift breakup like that, she would at least have second thoughts or doubts. With how swiftly and mercilessly she dumped me, you would think I cheated on her or abused her or something, very far from the case. Of course she didn't cut me off totally, she still texts me a little bit, but our conversations are very short and definitely not at all like they used to be. As juvenile as this sounds, I didn't even get breakup sex. I got a long embracing hug, then dumped the next day.

I cannot decide if she is witholding her true feelings toward me for some reason (no way she just fell out of love in a day) or if she is really just at peace with the decision. It does not matter, and I am sure there is zero reason to even question why, but that's how the mind works. 

 

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OP, 

Thanks for the reply. 

It is relatively easy to get into the habit of vilifying or demonizing our ex-partners. However, it may not be fair or accurate to do so, and doing so may impair our healing. Looking at a bad situation as it is usually seems to help me come to terms with it. 

In most cases - at least in my experience when I've broken up with somebody - I tossed and turned for weeks, if not months deciding whether to break up. I might have communicated problems as they arose, but I didn't outwardly change all my behaviors. And after it was done, I felt relieved that months of indecisiveness or anxiety were finally over. If that's a common enough experience among "dumpers" (I suspect it is), it could be that after or about the time she moved away, she started having serious doubts. And you clearly did not see those second-thoughts displayed outwardly. Internally, perhaps she struggled with the decision of whether or not to break up with you for some time. After she came to terms with her decision, she broke up with you as quickly as possible, giving the appearance that she broke up with you out of the blue. And now, she could be relieved that the decision has been made, and / or simply enjoying single life.

This doesn't seem to me like a story of betrayal or infidelity. It isn't a story about an evil, narcissistic ex-girlfriend. It is a story about a regular, imperfect ex-girlfriend who lost interest in her relationship with you and broke up with you in the way easiest for her. And it sucks.

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I understand you are going through a lot of pain, but still worth saying that you don't "deserve" break-up sex. As far as I know, that's not very common... And I know you are missing her in that way but you shouldn't want that. If she prepositioned you for break-up sex, she would be essentially using you to get off and taking advantage of your emotionally vulnerable state. A hug was appropriate and reasonable. At least, it shows a basic level of respect for the "dumpee" (you).

In regard to keeping in contact - on this thread, many posters have advised you to cut off or severely limit contact. You will never move on if you are constantly in contact with her, always being reminded of your ex. Additionally, being in constant contact with her will allow her to gradually and comfortably wean herself off of you while she looks for others. Please take care of yourself by cordially limiting or cutting contact. No small talk; no pleasantries. You can tell her that you are open to reconciliation if she ever wants to talk about that - but you need to try to stay out of contact in order to heal and move on. 

Hope this helps. Keep on moving forward, OP. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I do not disagree with you. I am two weeks away from moving to Arizona, with friends there, leaving this old life behind. It will certainly be easier when I am not alone 24/7, and sitting in "Our" apartment we got together and lived in for over a year.

 

The maybe we will be together stuff, yeah I do not take much stock in that. I figure either she says that bc she feels bad and guilty, or she thinks I will stay on the hook. I do not plan on that. 

What will probably happen, is I will move, be around other people, and not talk to her. She will likely at some point realized she F'd up. I hope she does, I hope she chews on that mistake for the rest of her life lol.

Well I think right now your number one priority needs to be to get on the path to healing. I would recommend blocking her on everything and having no contact. Start planning whatever you need for your move to Arizona and keep yourself as busy as possible. I find it helps if you keep busy and you simply don't have that much time to feel terrible. Once you move the physical distance would probably make you feel more cut off from her. You also wouldn't be able to catch up with her even if you wanted. Think of your move to Arizona as future and your life with your ex as past. 

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2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I really wish I could at least have some closure of why or what happened.

This is a normal desire, but you would likely not get any straight answers from her anyway. 

People like her thus will not give you closure. That will come from you, slowly over time, as you accept that this relationship was not what it appeared to be towards the end. I never got any answers from the ex I mentioned a few posts back either - the majority of what I learned was through my own little bits of digging after we had split. But by that point? I was essentially just checking to see if my own suspicions about him had been correct. They were. 

I stopped caring whether or not he wanted to be honest. I knew he wouldn't be and I lost interest in even finding out. Eventually, you will reach a point where you just want to move on and the "closure" you seek will arise from that. 

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Closure is the breakup. You'll be fine once you move and delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Don't waste your time on fantasies about her having remorse. It will hold you back from moving forward and worse, make you too bitter to date in the future.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Update to say, nothing has changed.

I still feel terrible about it all. After a little bit of time, ruminating over her, obsessing at her instagram, or her snapchat, or facebook photos like a wounded soul may do, I finally did what I needed to do. Which is that I laid it all out there, all the hurt I dished up to her. Everything she's done to me, expressed. Then I blocked her, on everything, zero communication.

Still now I am questioning everything. If this person was ever real this whole time. If she has just changed. Why is she spiraling out of control? (Yes I know that shouldn't be my problem, but I love this woman even though I shouldn't anymore) There is nothing  I could do to help her, so I will not even try.

I know she's out and about, on Tinder and all that... I just know it because I know how she is. Nobody needs to tell me.

Her roommate (who also got the hateful axe), she messaged me a long text about it all. Essentially telling me that my EX, when she told her that she broke up with me, she broke down sobbing. Cried, saying "Why do I push away all the people that love me?!"  It's like she is some possessed person that now and then realizes what she's doing, but she gets sucked back in. That hurt to hear...

In venting to me, the roommate accidentally disclosed in a slip up that my ex has had many different men around since breaking up with me. She quickly tried to backtrack that, but the word was out. My fears were already confirmed.

 

I am being a broken, sad, alone wimp, who lost all his confidence, a huge piece to attracting new mates. She is out soaking up all the attention she can without a care in the world. And yet, mentally I cannot let go of this person,

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She is not without a care in the world if she's sobbing about pushing away all the people who love her. It helps writing all this out, I'm sure. Even the angry parts.

What I learned eventually is that the other person may be going through their own personal hell. You should keep trying hard to redirect all that pain and sadness and motivate yourself to do well and live well. Even if it is so difficult it doesn't quite happen some days, keep trying. Eventually one day you will be moving on steadily.

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Celebrate, and rejoice, you didn't marry and ended up like 50% of marriages - divorced.

If you married, you'd owed spousal support, alimony, palimony, years of lost wages, time and energy, maybe even child support and she would have taken the house, liquidated your 401k, IRA, pension, etc.

You are much, much better off, so celebrate that fact.

In 2017, approximately 787,251 divorces were granted in America, which means that around one and a half million people got divorced that year.

The actual percentage of marriages that end in divorce in the US varies between 40% to 50%, with an average shelf life before dissolution of marriage, about 8 years.

Dude, celebrate its over.

Life happens.

Edited by J-J
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37 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She is not without a care in the world if she's sobbing about pushing away all the people who love her. It helps writing all this out, I'm sure. Even the angry parts.

What I learned eventually is that the other person may be going through their own personal hell. You should keep trying hard to redirect all that pain and sadness and motivate yourself to do well and live well. Even if it is so difficult it doesn't quite happen some days, keep trying. Eventually one day you will be moving on steadily.

At least enough of a care as she continually does this. She even knows it, but yet won't seek help and continues to do it. All that happens is people like me try their best to help, and get steamrolled in the process. 

She is going thru her own personal hell, but I am more empathetic, so I cannot fathom being so terrible to everyone else in the process. But bc I am that way, I also still this woman like a dummy. What self worth must I lack, to be this way?! lol

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21 minutes ago, J-J said:

Celebrate, and rejoice, you didn't marry and ended up like 50% of marriages - divorced.

If you married, you'd owed spousal support, alimony, palimony, years of lost wages, time and energy, maybe even child support and she would have taken the house, liquidated your 401k, IRA, pension, etc.

You are much, much better off, so celebrate that fact.

In 2017, approximately 787,251 divorces were granted in America, which means that around one and a half million people got divorced that year.

The actual percentage of marriages that end in divorce in the US varies between 40% to 50%, with an average shelf life before dissolution of marriage, about 8 years.

Dude, celebrate its over.

Life happens.

I would love to get to that point. I am trying. Constantly reminding myself what I thought she was before was an illusion. It's so clear to me she is a narcissist and potentially even Bipolar. It's actually scary listening to trained professionals talk about it because she hits every marker.

I am sure in time I will thank my lucky stars I got out before I did. But I guess because I am more of an empathetic person, and truly love her deeply, it's hard for me to see what she is or is becoming, of course helpless in the process, and now heart broken. Questioning if any of it was real, if it was a lie or act. Trying hard NOT to overthink things, especially the past. 

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First, put some space between you and this roomate. It's not helping you, and the information she feeds you doesn't change the outcome. 

Second, understand that it is normal to be dumbfounded when someone turns out to be different than what you hoped. It doesn't mean none of it was real. It means that things changed along the way, to the point where the relationship could not continue. You will need quite a while before you can really process all of this. At least a few more months. Be patient with yourself in the meantime. 

Trust the healing process. One day, you will be okay. 

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1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

I would love to get to that point. I am trying. Constantly reminding myself what I thought she was before was an illusion. It's so clear to me she is a narcissist and potentially even Bipolar. It's actually scary listening to trained professionals talk about it because she hits every marker.

I am sure in time I will thank my lucky stars I got out before I did. But I guess because I am more of an empathetic person, and truly love her deeply, it's hard for me to see what she is or is becoming, of course helpless in the process, and now heart broken. Questioning if any of it was real, if it was a lie or act. Trying hard NOT to overthink things, especially the past. 

My most recent ex says I am a narcissist, too.

It is interesting how many rush to ascribe various pathologies to ex-partners. In many cases, all the partner did was end the relationship. Surely, that does not warrant a diagnosis. 

The story is much simpler than the one you are telling yourself. First, you were into one another and you started a relationship. You enjoyed each other's company for a while, maybe even fell in love. Then, for reasons you know or reasons you do not, she lost interest and fell out of love. She processed that for some time, then she decided to end the relationship in the way least painful for her. Now, she is seeing other people to help her deal with her grief or loss. Or, she is just enjoying her single life since she no longer owes any duty of faithfulness to you. Or, both.

This loss has caused you immense pain and suffering. You deserve compassion because you are suffering so much. I do sincerely hope your suffering does not last long. And I do not envy your situation. I have been there before and it sucks.

That said, you will gain nothing - minus momentary comfort - from casting blame and ascribing pathologies to your former loved one. You impede your healing when you cast blame, diagnose, and vilify your ex. And if you are anything like me, you will feel awful in the long-run knowing that you did not handle the situation in the right way. 

I think there are several things you should not be doing at this time, which you have done:

  • You unloaded blame and vitriol onto her for all of the hurt you are experiencing.
  • You have acted like she is in the wrong for sleeping with others while she is single. (It is difficult to see - no question - but she owes you no duty of faithfulness at this point). 
  • You have said she has various psychological disorders like narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar disorder. You do this instead of acknowledging that she is a flawed human that simply fell out of love and ended your relationship. 

None of this is healthy. In fact, it is immature. It will only impede your healing and burn bridges. I realize you are in pain and this may sting to read but you should alter your behaviors and your perspective moving forward.

In my opinion, moving forward, you should:

  • Save face. Apologize for your recent vitriolic outburst. Say you are struggling with healing but what you said and did was not fair. You wanted to let her know. 
  • Politely explain that you will still need to block her on everything in order to heal and move on, but if applicable, you are open to reconciliation if she changes her mind and here is how she can reach you. 
  • Work on yourself physically. Go to the gym every day. Run (or do cardio) often. Buy a new wardrobe. Get a new haircut that makes you feel like a million bucks. 
  • Work on yourself mentally / socially. Post on ENA. Find out or infer why she fell out of love with you and fix those items (maybe it was the way you were acting - maybe it was something else). Find a new social hobby or activity. Meet new people. 

--

This is tough love advice, but remember, I am posting for your benefit. I hope this helps. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
Edited word choice; removed a bullet-point
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A lot of people try to make sense of their exes and head down the diagnostic rabbit hole for mental health. Best to steer clear of that. It's tempting but it won't change the reality of the situation.

If you feel she's unstable leave it at that. Learn to screen out individuals who aren't a match. You were both living together and it sounds like the break up was near the end of May which is still fresh. More time is needed but how you spend that time and organize your thoughts will help. Did you watch the video that Pleasedonot posted on rumination? It's quite good because it talks about being mindful and careful about types of thoughts and how rumination can develop from a coping mechanism into something much more unhealthy and pathological.  

As for her TMI roommate, it would help to stay away from other complaints about someone (ie your ex). It's not worth it. All it does is feed your imagination and thoughts about what she's up to or doing now and fuel more self-doubt and tremendous anxiety over your situation.

I'm sure that roommate or ex-friend wanted to commiserate and help you feel better but it's a poor variation of peace and creates more questions and anxiety than it does offer any peace of mind whatsoever. Remember that misery loves company and gossip. Steer clear of people who just can't get enough of putting someone else down or exposing someone in order to make themselves feel good. 

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

 I laid it all out there, all the hurt I dished up to her. 

Why are you chitchatting with her roommate?

You need to get a handle on things. 

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

You're spiraling out of control. 

Rather than assign her all these faux diagnoses,get to a doctor for an evaluation of your own depression and anxiety.

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