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He's willingly moving over an hr. away from me! Should I end our relationship?


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I'm turning 40 in a month, my bf is 42. We live 5 mins. from eachother and have been together off/on for nearly 14 yrs. We have officially been back together for about a yr. and 7 months. Things have been good between us. But, he has recently made plans to quit his job and open up a vape shop about an hour 1/2 away. Also, he now is actively looking to purchase a home there too and move to be close to his shop! I've been asking him not to but he is going to do it no matter WHAT! He tells me that everything is going to be o.k. between us and that he is stressed out and just needs my support more than anything. He doesn't really seem to care how I feel about it and that I'm also going through alot reguarding my moms health. I want him in my life and would really like him to be closer than over an hr. away. I feel like our relationship will move backwards, not forwards. Should I leave him and let him go live his dreams?

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37 minutes ago, Jennna said:

 off/on for nearly 14 yrs. We have officially been back together for about a yr. and 7 months. 

I want him in my life and would really like him to be closer than over an hr. away.

Sorry this is happening. Were either of you married or have children/families? Do you both own your homes?

An hour is not the end of the world. However you may want to examine why it's gone in circles for 14 years.

Unfortunately there's no real commitment here, nor do you live together so he can do whatever he wants with his house/job.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)

Wiseman2 Thank you! No, no marriages for either of us but we have talked about it 3 or so months ago. I had never really wanted to get married before but now I felt we were stronger and secure. He told me that he had no idea that I wanted to get married as I had never really took interest in it. He said that he was going to start working on it, as in getting a ring and that it needed to be special how he asked me. So, what he is talking about doing now doesn't add up to marriage. He has a child that is now 16 that has always lived with his grandma. I have no children. He lives rent FREE in a rental that he inherited from his dad. But he wants to buy a very expensive,  over the top house an hr. 1/2 away. I live with my parents to help them out, my mom is sick. He says he wants me to support his dreams! I told him that I don't want to stay so far away from my parents. I just don't see us being able to spend much time together anymore and it can definitely hinder our relationship.

Edited by Jennna
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12 minutes ago, Jennna said:

Wiseman2 Thank you! No, no marriages for either of us but we have talked about it 3 or so months ago. I had never really wanted to get married before but now I felt we were stronger and secure. He told me that he had no idea that I wanted to get married as I had never really took interest in it. He said that he was going to start working on it, as in getting a ring and that it needed to be special how he asked me. So, what he is talking about doing now doesn't add up to marriage. He has a child that is now 16 that has always lived with his grandma. I have no children. He lives rent FREE in a rental that he inherited from his dad. I live with my parents to help them out, my mom is sick. But, I do stay with him quite a bit, sometimes a week at a time when I go to his house. He says he wants me to support his dreams!

I think he should move if it's for business/work reasons.  Neither of you have strong enough intentions to marry -you're focusing on the outer trappings -the ring and the proposal instead of the specialness of the commitment - are you focused on the special skills of a long term commitment like marriage -what efforts and actions have you put into to building a potential life together? Sounds like my high school sweetheart and I dreaming about marriage "we'll have 4 kids and 6 bathrooms" we would say lol.  No, we did not marry.  It was fun to dream.  As a teenager.  

His commitment should be to making a career for himself and your commitment need not be supporting his dream because he is not committed to you in that way.  Is he asking you to be a business partner? So an hour away is no biggie at all -of course he needs to be close to a business he owns.  You can take turns traveling and hopefully meet halfway too.  My husband and I got married in our 40s.  We dated and were engaged in our late 20s and lived five minutes apart for most of that time.  Broke up.  Almost 8 years later we got back together and because in the meanwhile he'd followed his professional dream it meant that our first 2-3 years back together were largely long distance. 

But when we first got back together we established that we wanted to be together, wanted marriage if things worked out this time and that I would relocate/be flexible because his job required it far more than mine.  We both wanted a child.   We had this brief but crucial discussion from the get go -we were in our late 30s.  Without that discussion and promise and commitment I would not have done long distance ever.  I did not relocate until after we were married parents.  I would have relocated earlier -when we were engaged -because we were engaged for 6 weeks before getting married. 

It was REALLY special and magical and awesome- mostly because when it's right, when you've worked so hard to become the right people together for marriage, it's special, magical, exciting.  The second proposal was special - in my apartment and we took a photo of the ring against my pregnant belly.  Which we'd planned too.  If you really want to be married -yes, especially at your age- get married. It will be special because marrying the right person is special.

Support his "dream" by being flexible about where you meet for dates.  And if you're not willing to relocate to where he is moving -if his business works out and you two marry -I actually would cut losses right now and separate - unless your job requires you to be where you are and if finding another job would hurt your career and you want to keep your career.  

Edited by Batya33
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10 minutes ago, Jennna said:

I told him that I don't want to stay so far away from my parents. 

So that is really at the heart of the matter.  

Leaving aside that an hour away is not two thousand miles away.

Try to be rational OP.

If and when you marry this man, are you telling us you would continue to live with your parents? 

Marriage doesn't quite work like that. You would live with your husband. And he is perfectly entitled to buy a house an hour away. It's his money after all. 

In this life it is rather difficult to have your cake and eat it.

If you wish to choose your parents over a marriage with this man then that is absolutely your choice, of course. 

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EDIT:::: (I added, reworded some things to clear up my last post)Wiseman2 Thank you! No, no marriages for either of us but we have talked about it 3 or so months ago. I hadn't really ever wanted to get married before but I thought we had become stronger and more secure in our relationship. He told me that he didn't know that I wanted to get married as I had never really shown much interest in it. Not much else was said. I brought it up a time or two more and he said that he was going to start working on it, as in getting a ring and that he needed time to plan something special. So, I have began to think that he is just blowing it off by wanting to move away. He has a child that is now 16 that has always lived with his grandma. I have no children. He lives rent FREE in a rental that he inherited from his dad. But he wants to buy a very expensive,over the top house an hr. 1/2 away. I just don't see the use in spending all that money when you don't need to and leaving me behind. I'm being selfish, I guess. I want him to save his money and stay in our town for us. I live with my parents to help them out, and be with my mom, she is sick with Cancer. I don't want to have to travel so far away from my parents. But he's asking me to support his dreams! I'm just scared it's not going to work out too good.

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Posted (edited)

I do realize that if we were to marry that I would leave my parents. But that's not the only thing...just to clarify. In this exact order. He wants to buy a $430,000 or (in that range) batchelor pad type house. Then, he is leaving his job of 21 yrs. and losing lots of benefits and retirement money to open a business that he knows nothing about. If he stays at his current job, he can retire early in 8 yrs. His new vape business isn't even up and running yet so he doesn't know if it's even going to succeed. So, buy a very expensive house, quit his current job and hope that the new business prospers and can pay his high house payment, expensive monthly rent on new business and car payment on his new sports car. Just seems backwards to me and alot to take on at once and alot of risk involved. I'm concerned and have tried talking to him but he says for me not to worry. I think he's going to be over in his head but he wants my support. I'm a realist and can't just go along with something and say what someone wants to hear when I think it's a bad thing. But I will have to support this dream if I want to continue being with him. Thank you all!

Edited by Jennna
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3 hours ago, Jennna said:

Should I leave him and let him go live his dreams?

Well, J, the choice is yours. What do you think? 

Did he by any chance consult a financial advisor on all these moves.  Have a business plan.  Maybe he is using the proceeds from the property he inherited from his father to fund this new project?

 

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33 minutes ago, Jennna said:

 He wants to buy a $430,000 or (in that range) batchelor pad type house. Then, he is leaving his job of 21 yrs. and losing lots of benefits and retirement money to open a business that he knows nothing about. If he stays at his current job, he can retire early in 8 yrs. His new vape business isn't even up and running yet so he doesn't know if it's even going to succeed. So, buy a very expensive house, quit his current job and hope that the new business prospers and can pay his high house payment, expensive monthly rent on new business and car payment on his new sports car. 

Let him do what he wants to do. Better to be the spectator in this journey because it's 99.999% certain he will fail miserably.

Edited by dias
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Stay at your parents and support him emotionally. He's not asking you to help him financially so there's no real pressing issue. You can be a friend and girlfriend. If you don't see eye to eye on this business venture, don't put both of yourselves through the wringer forcing the issue. Leave him be to pursue his dreams.

Marriage shouldn't be in the picture at the moment. He's trying to please you and do too many things at once. I wouldn't accept any proposal right now while things are up in the air. Tell him to keep the ring and save it for when you're both at a better place. This IS supporting him emotionally instead of draining him. He's in no place to be proposing. Your mum is ill at the moment also.

Do you have access to a vehicle and do you drive? 

 

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No business owner knows if they will succeed, and it's tremendously difficult and time consuming to get one off the ground. Sometimes you burn through cash just trying to get to that first month out of the red. Not condoning the purchases, but it's not my business (pun intended)

The question is can you support his venture?

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Off on on for 14 yrs? That's not stable ground for a relationship. His move speaks volumes no? He's not really committed ...a true relationship is a partnership...you make decisions together. Sticking with someone like this is a no win situation. The only way to do this, tho I wouldn't recommend staying with him, is for you to drop everything and be right by his side and support whatever he does.

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2 hours ago, Jennna said:

I want him to save his money and stay in our town for us.

That's what you want OP. But again, he is perfectly entitled to spend his own money. It isn't as if he is going to blow it on poker. 

If you were married then the matter would be somewhat different and you would have a full say in any investments.

 

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1 hour ago, Jennna said:

I do realize that if we were to marry that I would leave my parents. But that's not the only thing...just to clarify. In this exact order. He wants to buy a $430,000 or (in that range) batchelor pad type house. Then, he is leaving his job of 21 yrs. and losing lots of benefits and retirement money to open a business that he knows nothing about. If he stays at his current job, he can retire early in 8 yrs. His new vape business isn't even up and running yet so he doesn't know if it's even going to succeed. So, buy a very expensive house, quit his current job and hope that the new business prospers and can pay his high house payment, expensive monthly rent on new business and car payment on his new sports car. Just seems backwards to me and alot to take on at once and alot of risk involved. I'm concerned and have tried talking to him but he says for me not to worry. I think he's going to be over in his head but he wants my support. I'm a realist and can't just go along with something and say what someone wants to hear when I think it's a bad thing. But I will have to support this dream if I want to continue being with him. Thank you all!

He is not asking you to be his investor, correct? All he is really asking is that you show support emotionally so to speak. He wants you to be happy and excited for him and believe he can succeed.

I think deep down you realize that a bachelor pad and a sports car doesn't mesh with marriage and mutual partnership decisions. He is saying one thing, but doing the opposite and acting more like a manchild or a dude in a mid-life crisis. Not really marriage material. Note also that you and him are fiscally incompatible - he'll take risks, you are risk averse. On/off relationships usually mean just that - two people who aren't compatible trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It doesn't work, but it wastes a lot of your time and life and energy.

If you aren't willing to dump him for good, then smile, get some pompoms and see how it goes. Meanwhile, keep your life and head screwed on straight. Take care of your parents, manage your own job and life and don't lend him money.

As a practical matter, an hour distance is barely across town in most places. Not something major to get upset about. Still, I don't think it's about distance so much as everything else.

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I am not seeing how most of this is any of your business at all.  He's just a boyfriend, the marriage talk has been casual at best.  It's not your money.  Even if he saved money how do you know it would be for your benefit as a couple? It's only your business if you now feel you two don't have compatible values.  That his business idea is revealing that you two don't have the important stuff in common.  You are prioritizing living where you do and you want your world to be within a couple miles radius.  He is prioritizing following his business and home ownership dream.  

In the early 1990s I had been seriously dating a boyfriend for about 6 months.  Early 20s.  I started applying to grad schools and considered one hundreds of miles away.  He said "I know I probably can't say this but --- can you stay in [our city]?"  And that was fine -that was appropriate - I decided to stay in my city for practical reasons and because it's where I got into the best grad school I could go to.  He knew it was my dream, he knew it was absolutely none of his business if I decided to leave town to pursue my dream.  He wasn't prepared to propose at that time and we had no financial ties of course.  You are not prepared with all of your heart to commit to him for the long term including in marriage.  He has a daughter he is responsible for, too. 

By contrast, after 6 month of dating my future husband he had the chance to interview in another state and he wanted me in on the decision -because I'd already said I would relocate for him in the future if we married and we were both very serious about each other.

So understand that right now his commitment to you is not that strong that he's willing to give up his dreams of this business and home ownership or to have you have a strong say in whether he does it.  But in a way he's being smart because you are still living with your parents, you have an on again off again thing, and neither of you are serious about long term commitment.  But he wants a long term commitment to this business it seems.  Totally fine if it shows you you two are not compatible.  But no you should not stand in his way of either of these dreams. 

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3 hours ago, Jennna said:

I'm concerned and have tried talking to him but he says for me not to worry.

Ok then don't worry. He's a grown man and can make whatever business, real estate decisions he wants.

However what jumps out is why has it been on/off 14 years? That seems to be more of a red flag than whether you approve of his endeavors.

 

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I agree with what other's have said.

1) You two have been on & off for 14 years now.

2) You need to let him follow 'his dreams'.

3) I think you two are going down 2 different paths... And, if YOU do not feel it's stable enough by now, is maybe best to let him go.  I feel you are just continuing to struggle and feel you are just falling behind all he's up to 😕 . ( Not feeling good enough?) .

Hence, you're feeling some 'jealousy' on fact he had inherited a home thru his dad.  Has/had all of this $$ ( nice car?)...

IF he has some business sense, he may just succeed.  No one knows.

But, I do think you're just hurting .  There's a lot in this circumstance you don't like. ( He is wanting to move away, start a business some distance away from you, and you don't feel you will get your nice ring & proposal?).

So, with all of this and your off & on forever... do you not think it's just time to let it all go ?  Stop with any expectations and let the guy go do his thing. --- Unless you are willing to accept having to travel in order to see him, once he does move - If you can handle that, then feel free to continue this with him.

Things to consider... think on it.

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1/2 hour away is nothing!  You made it sound like he was moving across country.  Do you have a car?  Does he?  Is there a bus?  You are really making a big deal out of this when he's not even moving far away!

This must be a big dream for him to be doing this and you are raining on his parade.  You dont get to tell anyone where they can or cannot move.  Try not to be so selfish.

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13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

However what jumps out is why has it been on/off 14 years? That seems to be more of a red flag than whether you approve of his endeavors.

That was my first thought too.

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17 hours ago, Jennna said:

He has a child that is now 16 that has always lived with his grandma

Wait, why is this? Why doesn't his son live with him?

And why have you two been off and on for 14 years?

There are red flags here that are a lot more significant than moving 1 hour away. 

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