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Confused on what to do


Zekia
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Hey everyone. I’ll make this as short as possible but I need to vent and get some advice. We have been dating for about a few months now and he has been saying that he really wanted to have something deeper with me. I even stopped talking to the guys I was talking to because I really thought this could lead to something. I have a habit of not multi dating I just put my all into one guy and when that doesn’t work I am back at step one all over again. Smh. That’s may fault. Now me and this guy have never had sex. I am not interested in having sex with anyone I decide to date I don’t have casual sex. I have noticed this guy I’m talking about did make sexual advances at me but I told him that is not what I was interested in and he seemed to understand. He told me that there were no other women he was “talking” to or interested in and I believed him. I wouldn’t have minded but he said he wasn’t so I went with it. Well long story short it came to my attention he was on a dating app sending messages after messages to women basically trying to see which of them would take the bait. He also did that same thing with other women in the dms of Instagram. He seemed like he sent a copy and paste message to different wowen on Instagram and the dating apps seeing who will respond. I didn’t even know how to take it. I feel he lied to me all he had to do was be honest on what his intentions were. It didn’t even seem like he cared who the heck he messaged. What is the reason he wants to keep me here if he does that. I don’t even know what to do at this point. I am serious on what I am looking for and he seems like he just out to talk to any chic on whoever take his “bait” or respond to his messages. 

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1 hour ago, Zekia said:

. What is the reason he wants to keep me here if he does that. 

The real question is why do you stay?

You're not having sex and not exclusive.

How did you come across his social media and dating app messages?

How is it you are reading his messages?

You can vent, but why not cut your losses?

Unfortunately it seems you are so defensive and hypervigilant, that your focus seems more about catching someone being seedy than dating the right guys.

Take a break from dating. Figure out what is bothering you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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44 minutes ago, Zekia said:

it came to my attention he was on a dating app sending messages after messages to women basically trying to see which of them would take the bait. He also did that same thing with other women in the dms of Instagram. He seemed like he sent a copy and paste message to different wowen on Instagram and the dating apps seeing who will respond

How did you discover all of this? Seeing him on a dating app, I get, but how do you know what his DMs look like? Did you get into his account, read through his phone, or..?

Anyway, now you know the score. He is not focusing on you and was probably hoping you would cave and sleep with him. Since you are not, he is trying to find someone else who will. This isn't going to develop the way you hoped. 

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Well to be honest, this is a bit of a grey area. Did you and this guy actually say to each other that you are exclusive? Like, you are in a relationship? I know you clearly expressed to him that you don't want casual sex and you want a serious relationship. That's good you were firm and upfront about what you want. The problem is though just because he said he would like "something deeper", unless he said you actually are in a relationship and you're his girlfriend, he didn't say he was exclusive with you. You also didn't directly ask him if he's seeing other women.

I want something serious too. In fact I want marriage and to have children. I may mention in the earlier stages of dating that I want something serious and maybe they might too. That's just generally being honest about what you want in future. It doesn't mean you're serious with each other, not yet anyway. It's just weeding out people who don't want what you want, but you are still just casually dating.

How people date may be different. E.g. One person might like someone and stop talking to anyone else, but another person might still be dating others or talking to others. Maybe they do want a relationship, but they aren't in a relationship YET. So that's why they're still seeing what's out there.

How long have you been dating this guy and what exactly have you said to each other about your relationship status? How many months is "a few months"? 

On the other hand I guess you also just need to think about what kind of guy you're actually looking for. There's no problem if you don't want to have sex unless you're in a relationship, that is up to you. But some people are different and may want to have sex after a few weeks of dating. There isn't exactly a right or wrong answer, it's just personal choice. I don't think trying to have sex after a few months exactly makes this guy an a-hole, but maybe you're just not on the same page. 

To add to that, his behaviour regardless of anything else actually points to the fact that maybe he's desperate for sex. It's one thing just to want sex but to copy and paste messages to hundreds of random women on Instagram is kind of creepy and desperate. The fact that it's copy and paste does show you that it's not like he even has interest in these women's profiles and who they are as a person. It's not like he's commenting about something they actually have on their profile. He's just messaging hundreds of women just on the chance he'll get SOMEONE. I think that is behaviour of a desperate, sleazy guy. If you don't want a guy like that then unfortunately this is who he really is.

And he did lie to you that he's not talking to anyone else. I think what would be off putting to me is that he lied and that he seems really desperate. I would want a guy to actually like me for me and not just because I have a vagina lol

Edited by Tinydance
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4 hours ago, Zekia said:

Now me and this guy have never had sex. I am not interested in having sex with anyone I decide to date I don’t have casual sex.

Yes but you are dating for months. So that is not casual. Sorry, just confused with that statement. Is it just the lack of interest with sex or just with this guy?

Anyway, as he is clearly looking for sex, then its for the better. You dont "put up" so he seeks somebody who will. As you are not looking for somebody like that, get away from that now and move on. Also its OK that you stop talking to others when you find somebody you want to be exclusive. Just make sure its somebody worth your time next time.

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8 hours ago, Zekia said:

Hey everyone. I’ll make this as short as possible but I need to vent and get some advice. We have been dating for about a few months now and he has been saying that he really wanted to have something deeper with me. I even stopped talking to the guys I was talking to because I really thought this could lead to something. I have a habit of not multi dating I just put my all into one guy and when that doesn’t work I am back at step one all over again. Smh. That’s may fault. Now me and this guy have never had sex. I am not interested in having sex with anyone I decide to date I don’t have casual sex. I have noticed this guy I’m talking about did make sexual advances at me but I told him that is not what I was interested in and he seemed to understand. He told me that there were no other women he was “talking” to or interested in and I believed him. I wouldn’t have minded but he said he wasn’t so I went with it. Well long story short it came to my attention he was on a dating app sending messages after messages to women basically trying to see which of them would take the bait. He also did that same thing with other women in the dms of Instagram. He seemed like he sent a copy and paste message to different wowen on Instagram and the dating apps seeing who will respond. I didn’t even know how to take it. I feel he lied to me all he had to do was be honest on what his intentions were. It didn’t even seem like he cared who the heck he messaged. What is the reason he wants to keep me here if he does that. I don’t even know what to do at this point. I am serious on what I am looking for and he seems like he just out to talk to any chic on whoever take his “bait” or respond to his messages. 

Did you see this on his phone or ?

Pay attention to mannerisms and the kinds of conversations and questions that the other person is asking in person. Most people multidate but I don't think that's the issue. This person is a liar and copy/pasting messages just makes him a robot. Is this sexy or appealing to you?

Yes, you do know what to do: block and delete his number for good and get the hell out of dodge. 

Don't go beating yourself up over this thing. Brush yourself off and move on. 

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Why does he keep up with you even though he is actively looking to hook up with anyone willing and sending out copy paste messages? Simple - you are easy to fool into sex. Sure it will take time, but...it's almost a guarantee that he would have succeeded if you hadn't gotten into his social media and dm's.

All he really has to do is bs you and you already told him what you want to hear - I'm serious, I need commitment, blah blah blah So he is parroting to you what you want to hear.

OP, instead of paying attention early on to what his actual interest/intentions are and stepping away because you aren't actually aligned, you decided to school him on what you want. 

If you don't want to be hurt, used, whatever....learn to read the red flags AND walk away immediately. Don't stick around and teach him what he needs to bs you with in order to get you into bed with him. Walk away. Be more selective and more aware. Instead of being defensive, pay attention to what the other person is doing/saying and accept it at face value. If the guy seems to be after casual sex, don't bother explaining your position or trying to educate him - just walk away.

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OK so he's a bit of a player. You won't shell out, but he's still workin that angle...tell you what you want to hear to loosen you up. But in the meantime he's lookin for a for sure thing. If he is broadcasting that hard for women, he hasn't been getting any lately or is having are time getting laid overall.

it's a no brainer that the jig is up and you need to kick this guy to the curb. You can't talk to this guy into changing his ways or give him a lesson...that's a joke. He won't care. You are wasting your time.

Edited by smackie9
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Not everyone is a one-to-one dater. When there's no exclusive commitment and no sexual intimacy, then dating is just dating, and both are free to date others in whatever manner they want.

Either you like the guy enough to commit and go exclusive, or you don't. If not, then why does it matter what he does?

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