Where do I go from here?

[junebug123]

I posted in cyber relationships a month back about how I fell very deep into this online situation with a girl 15 years my junior. Looking back at it now, I am realizing how I ignored so many red flags from the start and allowed my savior complex, coupled with my co-dependency issues to allow the situation to stew for much much longer then it needed to.

In retrospect, I've probably been in the situation before without even realizing it and somehow blamed this individual for all of my issues feeling that somehow I had been wronged; when in fact they were just a catalyst for my pathologies. What happened was this individual played up the victim card, blaming their ex for all of their issues while requesting unrealistic amounts of attention and care. 

Eventually, when I started to pull away, they just triangulated the situation onto another individual using the same online platform. It's basically the perfect storm for people to engage in these types of behaviors, you get to watch as they hop from man to man leaving you feeling defenseless and worthless. When confronted on the behavior (how they was being controlling, not wanting me to engage with other females) and expecting me to stay up all night on voice calls, other behaviors, etc. The response was denial and gaslighting. 

I'm possessive, I'm controlling, I'm jealous, meanwhile they are literally engaging in every single behavior that they were trying to shame me for (sexting other men) and denying it the entire time. I've spoken to other guys on the platform who were manipulated by this person (they confirmed the behaviors) and the story is the same. Love bombing, getting lead on while talking to other guys and doing (things...), just giving you enough hope to keep you in the game but never committing and always keeping their options open to get as much narcissistic supply as possible. Sometimes, its so difficult when someone so young and attractive gives you this sense of hope.

On the bright side, I recently started approaching women and overcoming my fear of rejection. Additionally, I received a decent offer from a company as a remote software developer. I know my future is bright and my options open. There's a small part of me that keeps thinking if I just did this, or that, or made her jealous or tell her I got an offer that it would fix things. I'm still working on that part of me that needs acceptance and praise from people. 

I'm still working on my need for external motivation and my self esteem issues. I'm worried I will keep attracting these types of women in the future. There are moments where I feel bored and lonely. Lately, I've been working out and fasting and I've lost between 13-14 pounds in a month. Its so hard for me to enjoy my present situation, and I am still not believing that things are going good for me even thou this offer will be the most I've ever been paid in my entire life and my health is as good as its been in years.

I wish I could stop living in the past. I hope this post serves to help others who are going through similar situations and I wish people the best.

 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I wish I could stop living in the past.

Things take time.

This experience has taught you a few things.. as many will.

Key word: Experience.  That's what life gives you... experiences.

Is good that you came to learn a few things from this.  Now, you steer clear - especially from young, distant women 😉 .

Be cautious.. proceed with caution. ( We all know there's so many scammers out there- the same goes for anything) 😕 

3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

On the bright side, I recently started approaching women and overcoming my fear of rejection.

I hope you don't go jumping into something too soon?

'Fear' is a challenge.  Everyone's been rejected.. we need to take that light heartedly.

3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

There's a small part of me that keeps thinking if I just did this, or that, or made her jealous or tell her I got an offer that it would fix things.

Hmm.. No.

You do nothing of the sort!  you've been rid of such a person... keep walking!

Never deal with people like this.. knowing how they 'play'.

YOU be the mature one.

 

3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

There are moments where I feel bored and lonely. Lately, I've been working out and fasting and I've lost between 13-14 pounds in a month. Its so hard for me to enjoy my present situation, and I am still not believing that things are going good for me

Do you have kids?  Friends?  I hang with a friend now & then for a short visit/ coffee.  I have crafts I enjoy.  I'm good majority of the time at home 🙂 .

Good on you for working out and taking care of yourself.

Try.. to accept & enjoy your success.  And to avoid over thinking everything.. look up.. see the light! 😉 

We move on... we will do okay.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, junebug123 said:

 they were just a catalyst for my pathologies. 

This is great insight. Yes it seems this situation was a canvas to paint your issues on.

Excellent your job situation is better. Focus on your health. 

Unfortunately when someone has an unhealthy self loathing relationship with their body and mind, it prevents interaction with more uplifting situations.

This is what you described here. 

[Rose Mosse]

17 hours ago, junebug123 said:

On the bright side, I recently started approaching women and overcoming my fear of rejection. Additionally, I received a decent offer from a company as a remote software developer. I know my future is bright and my options open. There's a small part of me that keeps thinking if I just did this, or that, or made her jealous or tell her I got an offer that it would fix things. I'm still working on that part of me that needs acceptance and praise from people. 

I'm still working on my need for external motivation and my self esteem issues. I'm worried I will keep attracting these types of women in the future. There are moments where I feel bored and lonely. Lately, I've been working out and fasting and I've lost between 13-14 pounds in a month. Its so hard for me to enjoy my present situation, and I am still not believing that things are going good for me even thou this offer will be the most I've ever been paid in my entire life and my health is as good as its been in years.

This is so wonderful. Glad you are out of that twilight zone. Put that firmly and squarely behind you now and enjoy all the things you've got going for you like your good health. Without your health none of this is possible. 

Don't worry about the types of women you attract. As long as you've regained clarity and are on a path that keeps you happy and motivated you will attract people similar to you.

 

 

[boltnrun]

Also focus on meeting women in person. No more cyber relationships.

[No1]

See if your company has an EAP (employee assistance program). And you can use it to get free counseling or just find a therapist to talk to. Trying to diagnose and fix your own issues is not easy. Maybe there are some underlying issues as to why. A counselor can help you and help you organize your thoughts better than you doing it on your own. No shame in seeking ways to better yourself. 

[junebug123]

5 hours ago, No1 said:

See if your company has an EAP (employee assistance program). And you can use it to get free counseling or just find a therapist to talk to. Trying to diagnose and fix your own issues is not easy. Maybe there are some underlying issues as to why. A counselor can help you and help you organize your thoughts better than you doing it on your own. No shame in seeking ways to better yourself. 

I'm going to look into this. One of my female friends that I actually have a healthy friendship with explained to me this theory of detachment. Basically the concept is that I can still be around people, just not looking to feel fulfilled with their company. Like having my feelings not dictate my behaviors, and I realized that was what had been causing me pain the most.

I would be feeling lonely and bored and using the platform to sort of not deal with this feelings or using my relationships to avoid those feelings. Then it would lead me to keep seeking out the platform or the person more and more in order to fill that void, the entire time feeling more and more helpless, until I finally told the person I didn't want to keep feeling like this so I left them or left the platform.

When I practice detachment, I notice that I feel more at ease and more free with people like I can come and go as I please without my feelings being subjected to changes in the frequency of our meetings. However, it is such a foreign concept to me, that I have to constantly revisit it over and over again. 

I will start meeting people and I am sort of excited about it. I appreciate everyone's kind words. In a way I sort of always wanted to get over this girl and get this job and date locally. In another way, I feel like the fantasy is sometimes more powerful then the reality of being in an actual relationship. I need to work on that part of me that grows tired of the person and has patience when things feel difficult in the relationship or when I start to lose attraction to the person.

I know my feelings are fleeting but sometimes they feel so powerful it makes me act compulsively. Anyways, I will keep approaching and talking to women and overcoming my fears, I noticed that when I did that it felt empowering and I felt liberated.

[catfeeder]

You get to decide whether you are 'in person' dating material, or not.

If so, stop building fantasies 'around' people online, and set up quick-meets over coffee with local people you'd consider dating.

Spend 20-30 minutes face to face learning whether the two of you have in-person chemistry, agreeing in advance that neither of you will corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot. Either of you can message the other with an invite afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

Most people are not our match. That's just natural odds.

If you are NOT in-person dating material, then you'll live in your own head, you'll create fantasies 'about' others' online personas and you'll convince yourself that these matter.

You can do that if you want, it's not against the law, but it won't buy you real intimacy beyond a bunch of words from a device.

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again.

[junebug123]

On 6/13/2021 at 10:52 AM, catfeeder said:

You get to decide whether you are 'in person' dating material, or not.

If so, stop building fantasies 'around' people online, and set up quick-meets over coffee with local people you'd consider dating.

Spend 20-30 minutes face to face learning whether the two of you have in-person chemistry, agreeing in advance that neither of you will corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot. Either of you can message the other with an invite afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

Most people are not our match. That's just natural odds.

If you are NOT in-person dating material, then you'll live in your own head, you'll create fantasies 'about' others' online personas and you'll convince yourself that these matter.

You can do that if you want, it's not against the law, but it won't buy you real intimacy beyond a bunch of words from a device.

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again.

Yeah. I recently watched a video in respect to men spending money on only fans or cam websites. It’s sort of same situation with these sort of video cam websites where you can sort of talk to many people and stimulate intimacy.

I don’t think I’ve necessarily wasted any time per say making these mistakes on virtual dates with people who lived several states away from me. In many ways some of the ways that men and women have to compete for the affection of their partners, has always been one of the aspects I dreaded the most about dating.

Often feeling discarded after a potential partner didn’t return my calls or messages after what I felt was like a good date. That coupled with the fact of spending time and energy meeting them and buying drinks or food. It’s sometimes a lot more devastating dealing with that, then spending a few hours chatting with someone online and getting desensitized to them moving on or talking to other men.

I’m not sure if other people feel this way, but sometimes for people who find it especially difficult to relate to others (intellectually). I find it most difficult when I find ‘that’ women and lose her. The feeling is that they were so rare to begin with, and even rarer for me to have had an encounter them and chemistry to boot.

In many ways, I know that there are many of aspects of a relationship that I should cherish. Yet, not being able to fully share your thoughts or be your authentic self is such a terribly lonely feeling. More then anything in the world, I want a partner who can meet me halfway in this area. Where we could share a mutual intensity for growth, and a passion for learning.

I guess all of this takes time and patience and maturity on my part thou.

[DancingFool]

53 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

In many ways some of the ways that men and women have to compete for the affection of their partners, has always been one of the aspects I dreaded the most about dating.

That is seriously distorted and toxic thinking about relationships. Relationships are not a competition and you are never competing for someone's affection. For as long as you view relationships as a competition, you will spin in the vicious cycle of control and jealousy, which ends up leading you away from the very intimacy and trust that you crave. You cannot control and manipulate and attack a person with your jealousies and have any kind of a genuine connection with that person at the same time, OP.

Relationships are 100% voluntary. If you can grasp that and truly internalize that, perhaps it will help you ease up on others and yourself and actually find that genuine connection. It's the proverbial leave the cage door open if you want the bird to stay and sing.

For as long as it's a competition in your head, every date that doesn't lead to another feels to you like over the top loss and like you are the constant loser. Kind of hard to live with that and feel good about yourself and yet, you are the one setting yourself up to fail by creating this false mentality.

[Rose Mosse]

Hold off on dating until you can reach a more balanced approach.. you seem very low and depressed. Friends help a lot with this. Do you have friends you can talk to or just share things with? You're willingly removing yourself from reality and also losing touch with it the more you keep insisting that go-nowhere relationships or virtual relationships are meaningful. It's a wall and a defense mechanism you're building up for fears you haven't overcome or faced. 

We all have them but don't keep running away from real life. People aren't as unique as you think. Most people want the same things regardless of race, religion, culture or geography. The universal language is always respect for your loved ones and peers and also for yourself. Don't aim too low. Expect more out of life and you'll get more.

 

 

[dias]

18 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

leave the cage door open if you want the bird to stay and sing.

I always did that as a kid with my grandma's pet birds. Everyone deserves freedom. 

[junebug123]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

That is seriously distorted and toxic thinking about relationships. Relationships are not a competition and you are never competing for someone's affection. For as long as you view relationships as a competition, you will spin in the vicious cycle of control and jealousy, which ends up leading you away from the very intimacy and trust that you crave. You cannot control and manipulate and attack a person with your jealousies and have any kind of a genuine connection with that person at the same time, OP.

Relationships are 100% voluntary. If you can grasp that and truly internalize that, perhaps it will help you ease up on others and yourself and actually find that genuine connection. It's the proverbial leave the cage door open if you want the bird to stay and sing.

For as long as it's a competition in your head, every date that doesn't lead to another feels to you like over the top loss and like you are the constant loser. Kind of hard to live with that and feel good about yourself and yet, you are the one setting yourself up to fail by creating this false mentality.

I initially reacted to this very violently as I always do when things don’t support my inherit bias. Then I thought for a moment and wondered why I triggered such a strong reaction.

I find myself researching these ideas as these always seem so foreign to me, they leave me wondering why I keep spinning the same webs. Similar to what my lady friend said about detachment I am having the same problem absorbing this idea, that dating is not a competition.

At the root of many of the problems I face, low self esteem and constant insecurities bombard my daily thoughts. Even with this new job I find myself worrying that it will only be a matter of time until they find me out as an imposture. 

There are times when I realize that all these negative thoughts only serve to way me down and validate my fears. Yet, the idea of leaving them alone makes me feel so naked and vulnerable. In many ways I’ve convinced myself that the only reason I have gotten to where I am today is due to these constant fears and worries.

As much as they trouble and disturb every single interaction and relationship with co-workers, friends, families, and future/past partners; it seems like I value them more then any of the people I hold dear.

Sometimes I feel like it’s so much to bear these thoughts all the time and I would just love to feel good for once and accept that I can want and deserve things. However, letting go and being happy is the thing which I am the most terrified of more then anything in the world. I feel like one poster said it best, I probably won’t be able to have a healthy relationship until I work on my issues. 

I just don’t know or understand how to trust and accept people because I’ve never learned to accept myself. The more vulnerable I allow myself to be in a relationship the more the fear comes up for me that they will eventually abandon me. In many ways it’s easier to be alone then to constantly fear the imaginary hammer. 

How do you overcome the fear of abandonment?

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

There are times when I realize that all these negative thoughts only serve to way me down and validate my fears. Yet, the idea of leaving them alone makes me feel so naked and vulnerable. In many ways I’ve convinced myself that the only reason I have gotten to where I am today is due to these constant fears and worries.

Well...you've gotten to where you are so far despite that rather than because of it. As for feeling naked and vulnerable if you leave your way of thinking - that makes you about as normal as normal can be. What's familiar and what you know is always comfortable and new things are not.

If you really want to help yourself, consider doing CBT type therapy. Rewiring how you think and operate takes time, but it will improve your quality of life tremendously. You are very self aware, so you are kind of half way there already. That very self awareness will eventually drive you into changing whether you like it or not. Might as well get on with it and get some coaching to smooth things out and speed up the process.

[junebug123]

47 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Well...you've gotten to where you are so far despite that rather than because of it. As for feeling naked and vulnerable if you leave your way of thinking - that makes you about as normal as normal can be. What's familiar and what you know is always comfortable and new things are not.

If you really want to help yourself, consider doing CBT type therapy. Rewiring how you think and operate takes time, but it will improve your quality of life tremendously. You are very self aware, so you are kind of half way there already. That very self awareness will eventually drive you into changing whether you like it or not. Might as well get on with it and get some coaching to smooth things out and speed up the process.

Thank you.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I find it most difficult when I find ‘that’ women and lose her. The feeling is that they were so rare to begin with, and even rarer for me to have had an encounter them and chemistry to boot.

If love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

Most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds--for everyone.

Most people will NOT own the capacity to view you through the right lens. So the idea is to allow wrong matches to pass early, and keep 'nexting' until you not only find chemistry, but the chemistry is mutual. That's simpatico, and that's the needle in the haystack we all want and deserve.

Stop buying drinks and food before you establish whether someone is even good date material. That's where 'quick meets' come in. You can set up a bunch of these non-dates on your way home from work, and there's no investment so there's nothing to lose. If you get stood up, take your coffee with you. Otherwise, invest 20 to 30 minutes--max--to screen one another.

If you want to date someone you've met this way, message an invitation. If there is no response, move onto your next quick meet. 

Don't personalize rejection. It happens to everyone, and it's a reflection of someone else's limits rather than of any deficiency in you. Unless you can start to view it this way, you'll keep inflicting unnecessary pain on yourself instead of minor disappointment and a willingness to move on and find the next person.

Take breaks from meeting people, and use that time to do the opposite of sulk alone. Commit to spending time helping friends, neighbors, family--whoever. This will move you out of your own way and it will help normalize you back into appreciation for your own unique value.

Head high, and skip the fantasies. Those will wreck your life because NObody in the real world can live up to what you create in your head, and that will make you miserable. Adopt patience and an appreciation for the value of every person you meet, even when they aren't right for you.

THAT will help you to learn and keep confidence in your OWN value.