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Pain of regret, how do I stop this?


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My relationship ended two months ago. We were on and off, spending weekends together but he said he wasn't sure he wanted to get back together. It was hell for me. Yesterday we saw each other because I had to grab a few things at his house, and I was a complete mess. Crying, begging, and the way he looked at me as if he despised me. It hurt so much. He said when we're not together he doesn't miss me anymore but when he sees me it messes with this feelings but he's still sure about this decision. He says he wants us to be happy, and together we are not. We have great chemistry, connection but hard time understanding each other. If I could quickly describe it I'd say it's anxious-avoidant attachment relationship, me being the anxious one. 

I feel depressed still. Like I lost someone great because of my insecurities and lack of self love. I know I can't go back to the past and change it. I know I have to learn from my mistakes, but I feel like I will always, always regret what it would've been like if had had more patience with each other, if he had believed in me that now I understand he did love me and that I wouldn't be as insecure as before. If he hadn't given up on us so easily. We had this very quick and intense relationship where the expectations for both were high and the crash was hard. But we still loved each other. But I did love him more. I know that for sure. 

I feel like I hate myself. I hate who I've become, I hate getting to being a 27 year old grown as* woman with a bunch of trauma and insecurities. Looking around and feeling I'm the only one that can't keep someone beside, feeling like I'm not worthy of being understood. I don't want to be "better" for the next guy and him to be better for the next woman. I wanted us to be better for us.  

I know I'll never fall in love this intensely and deep for anyone again. Nor do I want to. It ruined me, hurt me in so many ways I can't even describe here. My soul hurts, my heart hurts, and living with regret... I just wish I could go back in time and not spent so much time bickering about little things that didn't matter. Because now I'm here, without him. I lost the love of my life and I'm never gonna forgive myself for this. 

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All I wanted was for him to say "hey, let's put the past behind us and learn with our mistakes and make it work together." I'd go in a heartbeat. 

But guess life isn't that way hey. 

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You are still hurting from a break up that was not your choice, which is natural.  What you are feeling is natural and not out of the ordinary.  Billions of people have or will experience the same or worse.  However, these emotions that you are experiencing should not be taken as a permanent fixed state of reality.  They will come and go in waves and in time you will find out that they are the product of your fears NOT an indication of your future.  "What ifs" are a natural part of grieving the loss of a relationship and are part of the bargaining stage.  This grieving process includes the mind going back and forth through stages of denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. I am very sorry for your loss.  Unfortunately the break up HAS happened and regardless of how your mind is trying to fool you, it couldn't have happened any other way.  If it could have, it would have.  Try not to take these negative self-blaming emotions that you are experiencing at self-value.  They are the product of your fears NOT reality.  You WILL get through this. Experience it but know that it WILL get better.  You are inherently valuable and worthy.  We all are.  There are people who struggle with self-worth at all ages and it has zero to do with their worth.  Our inner critic is a big fat liar when it comes to self-worth, especially during break ups.  And the same goes about break ups.  Break ups are about incompatibility.  You could be the most worthy person in the world and still be incompatible.  The emotions that you are experiencing blatantly lie.  Having experienced similar thoughts and emotions at 31, I am here to assure you that you are perfectly normal and worthy.  It's just that he was not the right person for you. Good luck with your healing.

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4 hours ago, katmisj said:

I'm never gonna forgive myself for this. 

Wow, you are very down on yourself right now. Why are you shouldering so much blame for this?

1 hour ago, Clio said:

You could be the most worthy person in the world and still be incompatible.

Clio is right. This has nothing to do with your value. Don't listen to your emotions. They aren't trustworthy right now.

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11 hours ago, katmisj said:

I hate who I've become, I hate getting to being a 27 year old grown as* woman with a bunch of trauma and insecurities. Looking around and feeling I'm the only one that can't keep someone beside, feeling like I'm not worthy of being understood. I don't want to be "better" for the next guy and him to be better for the next woman. I wanted us to be better for us.  

Okay, but sadly, this is how it wasn't with this one.

It's painful, I know 😕 

 

11 hours ago, katmisj said:

I know I'll never fall in love this intensely and deep for anyone again. Nor do I want to. It ruined me, hurt me in so many ways I can't even describe here. My soul hurts, my heart hurts, and living with regret.

You feel awful.. it hurts... BUT, you will come to feel again, in time.  - But for a while, no.

Life does not end after one fall out.

You need some real 'down time'... to turn your focus on yourself ❤️ .. Relationships take energy, expectations, etc.

And if we don't work out/ connect etc.. Nothing we can do about that.. but work on accepting.

11 hours ago, katmisj said:

 I just wish I could go back in time and not spent so much time bickering about little things that didn't matter. Because now I'm here, without him. I lost the love of my life and I'm never gonna forgive myself for this. 

Please try not to be so hard on yourself 😕 .

you now know what you need to work on - within yourself.

You know your weakness and challenges.

So, IF you're feeling this low... ( as it will for a while.. cause it hurt and you 'felt' a lot)... Might be a good idea to look into some prof help?  Therapy is helpful for some.. to help you 'work through' some issue's... coping mechanisms, etc..

BU's do so often hurt.  But, in time we do get over them... enough to feel better again & be able to move on.

The worst thing to do is keep any contact with him anymore.  So you can both accept & heal.  No contact.. so this won't drag on.

Tears are okay 😕 ... do you have a friend you can vent to.. family you can lean on? ( vent using a journal, etc).

One day at a time... in time it lessens.

TC ❤️ 

 

Edited by SooSad33
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Hey, OP. Sorry for your loss. 

I noticed you went into "what ifs." I am sure you know that that sort of rumination is abstract and unhelpful. You cannot change his decision with that rumination. It is one thing to say, "Ach, I should have said XYZ or acted better in that situation" and learn from it. It's wholly another to go into if-only thinking on that large scale. Fact is, life did not happen according to those what-ifs. So, instead of thinking about conceivable ways the past could have played out, work on your present and invest in your future.

The way I see it, you have two paths forward. 

  • making yourself better and moving on for him, or
  • making yourself better and moving on for you

Either way, you are going to need to move forward. This relationship is over and you cannot get it back. Later, perhaps down the road, after you work on yourself and move on from this hurt, perhaps another relationship with him will be possible - if you want that at that time. Perhaps you won't want another relationship with him after you move on. (It's worth mentioning that commonly, exes come back after we seem to have moved on). 

Last, resolve never to beg for someone ever again. First, it will not work: it will make them respect you less. Second, you should have more respect for yourself than that. 

Quote

I feel like I hate myself. I hate who I've become, I hate getting to being a 27 year old grown as* woman with a bunch of trauma and insecurities. Looking around and feeling I'm the only one that can't keep someone beside, feeling like I'm not worthy of being understood. I don't want to be "better" for the next guy and him to be better for the next woman. I wanted us to be better for us.  

Hey, you are not alone. We all struggle with insecurities and suffering (to various degrees). Do not be so hard on yourself: suffering like this is an unfortunate, but certain, part of life. You are not perfect, and no one expects you to be happy-go-lucky all the time, especially not in the current moment. 

The pain of someone leaving you, perhaps second to the death of a loved one, is one of the worst pains you can experience. Let yourself grieve, and do not grieve about the grief itself (don't stress about stress, don't be anxious about anxiety, etc.). It's normal and it's merely information telling you that you are sad/heartbroken. 

Regarding the last line - for now - you can work on yourself for him, i.e., for the possibility of reconciliation. Either way, you need to work on those insecurities and items that ended the last relationship. To your best understanding, what are some things you need to work on? 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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I went back to reread your earlier thread. Are you still seeing your therapist and staying sober? You were dating for four months but moved quickly and he told you he couldn't deal with your anxiety. You're only 27 with a lot of life to live and to enjoy with others. He represented something to you that was different from others. It doesn't mean it'll be the last time you experience love. 

You were also still checking his social media or keeping in touch with his ongoings. Are you still doing this or is he blocked and out of your life?

Think about practical ways to keep yourself afloat and sustained. Drinking, checking his social media, keeping tabs on one another or texting or meeting up to get things are all going to throw you for a loop. I had to meet my ex earlier this year for something related to the divorce and it wasn't easy (we're divorced now and it's done). We'd already been separated for over a year but it seems he hadn't made any progress forwards and it was hard to see that. I had to let go of that or my previous role. You have that choice also to let go but if you stay in the same loop practicing the same mindset and the same routine or habits, it won't change. Change the habits that keep you connected to him and work on sobriety.

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Thank you all for the replies. 

I feel a bit hopeless atm. I’m not as bad as I was before. I’ve realized I’m not crying as much. But I feel like a failure. When I look around, my friends are either in good relationships, happily single or starting something with someone. The only one friend that was in a similar situation as mine, her ex “realized” what he had lost and asked her to marry her. I’ve never had guys change their mind and realize they lost me, yet I see this happening all the time. Surely something must be wrong with me? 

 

After 27 years and a few failed relationships, I just wanted peace of mind. I realized with my ex, I felt special, I felt like I was this cool person to be around. When he left, I realized I’m not that great after all. 

 

I didn’t want to be going through this “growth experience”, I didn’t want to be looking around at everyone stabilizing their lives while I’ve never got a single shot at being happy with someone. Everything it’s always “you’ll become better for the next person”, but I’m tired. Hell, I’m exhausted! I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks picturing him sleeping with another girl. I don’t want to keep ruminating about how I could’ve done things differently. 

 

I just wanted peace and happiness, I just wanted to once feel like I matter to someone. I’m tired of learning my lesson with toxic guys. Everyone I talk to says I dodged a bullet. Oh great, I fell in love with a jerk now I get to go on this self love journey which is extremely painful while he gets to love his life happily as if nothing happened. The last time we spoke I told him I feel like I won’t be able to trust anyone after what he did, he said he wouldn’t leave and he did and it’s not fair that I got hurt. And this is what he replied: “Do you think the world is a fair place? There’s people killing, robbing, the world isn’t fair and you have to accept that you trusted me because you wanted to but that doesn’t mean that you could”. I felt a bit speechless after this. But it’s true, if you’re a good person, that doesn’t mean things are gonna turn out good for you, if anything, it’ll turn out better for the one who hurt you. 
 

I attract toxic people, I attract people that I always care more about in the end. I feel empty inside and haven’t felt anywhere near happy in a long time. I lost my job and am working emptying bins at an aged care on weekend mornings so I have some sort of income, while he’s at his house probably sleeping with someone else. I’m far far from happy. I’ve lost the eagerness for life that I used to have before this relationship. I don’t want this to be a pity party and I’m not desperately looking for my soulmate, but after so many failed relationships I feel like I’ve suffered enough, either be happy or never get into a relationship again if it means going through this hell again. 

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OP, if it makes you feel any better I understand. I am a guy, and my GF of 2.5 yrs broke up with me out of nowhere a little less than two weeks ago. Yesterday I find that the last straw was bc at the wedding her and I went to, she was really attracted to some other guy in the wedding party. So when she realized she should't feel like that for a guy if she loved me, she knew she had to dump me. Shattered me.

 

I am feeling all the things you feel. WE will always look back and say "What if" or just a little more time. I myself and doing it mentally right now. We tend to focus on things that we could have done better and hold so much regret. I wouldn't wish serious heartbreak on my worst enemy.

All you can do is ride it out, try your best to move on, distract yourself with other activities, fight the urge to see or talk to him. Anytime you do, anytime you stare at old photos, or convos, or significant memorabilia that reminds you of him, it will tear you open. As terrible as it is, you have to let go fully and refuse to thing about it, as almost as impossible as that may seem. I am right there with you!

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