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My fiancé sleeps in his recliner every night, he doesn’t touch me until he knows I’m about to leave.


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It’s a cycle, he will only be good to me when I am about to leave or if I pull away and act like I do not care. It is an exhausting game that we’ve been playing for five years now. He gaslights me and tells me I am crazy for being upset that he doesn’t touch me for months. He doesn’t hold my hand, kiss me. Hug me, nothing. He never tells me I look pretty, nothing. When we are in public around his friends, or my family, he puts his arms around me, brags on me, all of those things but when we’re home, nothing. He tells me he doesn’t touch me cause of how I act, and that he shouldn’t have to carry me around on his hip like a child. I go months without him even being near me. All we do is fight and it’s always either because I’ve caught him doing something in his phone, hiding stuff from me, hitting on other women...he has never physically cheated, but the things he does are so disrespectful. I feel like a live in maid. When I ask him to spend time with me, he tells me I can follow him around the yard while he works, it’s insanity. I take care of his child and my own child full time, work and go to school full time, and take care of literally EVERYTHING in my home. When it comes down to the time that I’m ready to leave, he mopes around and says he doesn’t deserve anyone, his life will always be this way, all that stuff to make me feel bad for him. Just last month he was his Hiding a photo in his phone. The only reason I knew was because he forgot about it and was showing me something in his phone and when I went to scroll over, he snatched it from me and started shaking.

I asked him to hand me his phone and he refused, he ran out into a thunderstorm in only his boxers, up to our barn and deleted whatever it was, then still swears that it was a photo of my graduation present (college) that he spent so much money on that he didn’t want me to see. Graduation has passed, no expensive gift to be seen. It had to have been something really bad or he would have never behaved that way. In the past if I had picked up his phone, I would ALWAYS find something suspicious...him going through girls only fans pages, adding random girls on Facebook, that type of thing, hidden naked picture of exes... I let it all go cause it was years ago, but he used to tell me I shouldn’t have been going through his phone if I didn’t want to find stuff. He tells me all the time he wants me to have a baby, and us get married but I know if we can’t go a week without fighting, then we will never make it with a baby or through marriage. I’ve begged him and begged him to tell me what it is that I do wrong to him, and he can never tell me. He says all I do is ***, but I am utterly alone...all of the time. I spent the first 2 years of our relationship with him either putting his daughter in between us in bed at night, or him sleeping in her room.

The last two years has been him sleeping in the recliner, and when he does come to be with me now, (which is rare) he doesn’t hold me or even come near me. He turns his back to me and watches a movie on his phone, and acts like he’s doing nothing wrong. He will even say goodnight love you and turn over, and I’ll fry myself to sleep and he knows it but truly just goes to sleep as if it’s nothing. Even when we have a family day, it feels like it’s just him and his daughter and me and my son, it’s never a family feel, it’s awful, I can’t explain it. There’s a lot more and he has changed over the years but the intimacy, love and understanding is not there at all... I always feel as if I’m on the back burner or like his last choice. And anytime that I get fed up and start to pull away and get to my breaking point, he treats me good for about a week, then it all starts again. He says I don’t give him enough time to change, but five years??? That’s five years to change. The screaming, yelling, gaslighting, manipulation, it’s all so real.. I don’t know how or what to do, I don’t know what to do to get the strength that I need cause I feel so weak and keep holding on and I don’t know why. I feel so much anger and resentment that even when he does try, I can’t even be happy about it cause I know it will always go back to the same roller coaster...just looking for advice. Will he ever change? 

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This guy is in love with someone else (according to your previous thread) and treats you horribly.  Why again do you choose to stay with him? Other than the tired old "But I LOVE him!!", please.

And no, he won't "change". Why should he? He treats you like crap but you stay and do everything for him. You even accept him inviting the woman he loves over. So he has zero reason to "change".

You can change though, by leaving him.

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I feel like I don’t know how to leave. Or that I’m making a mistake. I always think about the things that he does do for me, or the way he brags on me to the world on Facebook, or how we finish each others sentences and all that same old stuff everyone says. But I know I can’t keep living a life like this. I am so miserable and I truly just don’t know how to find the strength to leave. I’m 34 years old with a degree, a good career and an amazing son, who’s father cheated on me and he’s already faced so many changes with that... I know it all sounds like excuses..I’m just looking for a way to find the strength or the answers 

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If you are stuck, then imo you need to seek professional counseling.  A good therapist could help you find the strength to move forward with your life.  Half a decade of your youth is a hell of a lot of time to spend on such a deeply unsatisfactory situation.  At this point though, you are making informed choices.  He has clearly shown you how it's going to be.  If you are unhappy then YOU need to start making changes.  As long as you keep doing the same things, you will keep getting the same results and, at this point, you only have yourself to blame because you are CHOOSING to stay in this situation.  Think of the type of relationship example that you are setting for your kid and seek professional help to get unstuck and exit this clearly unhealthy situation.  Staying on and whining about him accomplishes nothing. Good luck.

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6 hours ago, Nichole2005 said:

I feel like I don’t know how to leave.

Your emotions are deceiving you. You know exactly how to leave. Now come on, girl. Get up and do it. It won't be a mistake.

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You have two choices: stay and be miserable until HE finally leaves you or leave now and have a happy and relaxed life, opening yourself up to the possibility of meeting a wonderful, loving man.

What sounds better to you?

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Nichole, it's easier for us to see the obvious signs from the outside looking in.  You're young, you could even have more kids if you want, just not with this guy.  My brother does the same type of things and his marriage is horrible.  I hate the example they're setting for my 11 year old niece.  She will need therapy.  I'd consult with an attorney if I were in your shoes.

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9 hours ago, Nichole2005 said:

I feel like I don’t know how to leave. Or that I’m making a mistake. I always think about the things that he does do for me, or the way he brags on me to the world on Facebook, or how we finish each others sentences and all that same old stuff everyone says. But I know I can’t keep living a life like this. I am so miserable and I truly just don’t know how to find the strength to leave. I’m 34 years old with a degree, a good career and an amazing son, who’s father cheated on me and he’s already faced so many changes with that... I know it all sounds like excuses..I’m just looking for a way to find the strength or the answers 

Fear of the unknown is a big component of why individuals stay in unhealthy relationships. You can work through that by thinking step by step and give yourself a practical opportunity to find happiness and be a better parent to your son. 

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12 hours ago, Nichole2005 said:

he will only be good to me when I am about to leave or if I pull away and act like I do not care. It is an exhausting game that we’ve been playing for five years now. He gaslights me and tells me I am crazy for being upset that he doesn’t touch me for months. He doesn’t hold my hand, kiss me. Hug me, nothing. He never tells me I look pretty, nothing. When we are in public around his friends, or my family, he puts his arms around me, brags on me, all of those things but when we’re home, nothing. He tells me he doesn’t touch me cause of how I act, and that he shouldn’t have to carry me around on his hip like a child.

Reason enough to leave?

As you know this is not how your partner should be..

 

IMO, he's a miserable A**.. so why do you accept this? And why are engaged? 😕 

 

So now, you find that inner strength and get away from him.  All he's doing is exhausting you.

Find your own place for you & child.  Why be around someone so negative & nasty?

 

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It's no mistake that you need to end this. Just don't say anything to him...that is key in how this is gonna work. Plan your escape. pick a day you know he will be gone for awhile....pack your stuff up quickly with friends, and go without a trace. Block/delete all communication, shut down all your social media....become unreachable.

Go into hiding.

Edited by smackie9
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You’re not engaged - you have no wedding date and you two have taken no actions to set one or to simply go to city hall and tie the knot. This  is a good thing - he’s not marriage material - but I suspect you’re too focused on the label - you can tell everyone you’re engaged and committed when there’s nothing of the sort there.  Of course you know how to leave and for tori child’s sake you should. 

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Get yourself into some personal counseling.  Figure out the reasons why you don't believe you deserve better and why fear of the unknown keeps you stuck and making excuses.

Take your focus off of him and all the miserable things he does and doesn't do.  Focus on why you stay and tolerate it.  Walking away from poor, neglectful treatment is powerful.  Work on getting your power back and learning to say no to relationships like this. 

You aren't going to get this time back and you are teaching your child that women deserve to be treated this way.

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9 hours ago, Mac Laurk said:

I know I can’t keep living a life like this. I am so miserable and I truly just don’t know how to find the strength to leave.

You don't wait for the strength to do it.  Acting on it is what gives you strength.  You do the hard thing and give yourself credit for having done so.  You continue to put one foot in front of each other and tackle each step and by doing so you build on it.

 

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We all have phones, we take them every where so realistically he will always have his. You say you always find things on it. First, you shouldn’t have to check his phone. Second if there are always things on it, it’s safe to say he isn’t going to stop. And you are going to keep stressing, and searching the phone, and finding things and listening to him say he won’t do it again, just for him to keep doing it. Third, running into the rain in his boxers is extreme. Clearly there was something bad on the phone. That right there would be enough to say enough is enough. I wouldn’t even care about the recliner. He’s probably out there doing more shady stuff on the phone and doesn’t deserve any intimacy with you anyway 

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