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A dramatic and confusing love story


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We met just after I had ended a very long relationship and was about to move far away. So I told her I couldn't do anything serious and we didn't but she wanted it. She was average looking and I wasn't as attracted to her as other girls but it was enough for something to start. We dated for two or three months and it was an incredible time. Our personalities were very different on the outside but yet so similar in the inside so we just meshed perfectly together. Reading reach other's minds, deeply fascinated and understood, the whole thing. Most accurate descriptions online are soul mate.

This ended and I moved across the country. We never told each other how we felt and we didn't talk during this two years. But my feelings grew stronger somehow and I felt I had to reach out. I told her that I love her and I sincerely do. She had just ended a relationship, her job and her apartment lease and was getting ready to do some traveling for awhile. So she decided to come visit and we didn't put an end date on it. I was imagining spending the rest of my life with her.

And this is where the problem starts. She gained some weight and went from me being just attracted enough to not really attracted. She showed up in terrible looking jeans half rolled up and a baggy t-shirt. I didn't believe it was her at first. She didn't put any effort into trying to look cute and there were all sorts of other things like this wrong. Meanwhile i pulled out all the stops, bringing flowers, gifts and decorating to make her feel special. But I just felt stupid.

We had sex the first night but I felt I was forcing it and haven't initiated since. Kissing has grown to feel weird and in the meantime she told me she loved me too. We haven't talked about it yet and things are stuck in this in-between state which is causing intense anxiety in me. I normally date very attractive women - the last one I went on a date with used to be a model just to give an idea. I realize that's a very privileged thing to say but I point it out because it makes the feeling of disappointment so much worse because I had an incredible and fulfilling sex life. I still love her deeply and feel we are perfect together but I am not attracted and she's staying with me 24/7. I don't know where to go from here.

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I don't think it matters if your "soul mate" gains weight or wears ugly clothes.  That's not really how the soul mate thing works.  

Sounds like you are infatuated with her based on the image you remember but she is not that.  

Have you talked about what her plans are after visiting you?  Like who just comes and stays with no end date?  If she did this, then you have to talk to her about it.  

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7 hours ago, Anon80 said:

I still love her deeply and feel we are perfect together but I am not attracted

If you are not attracted to her, she is not perfect for you. 

Some degree of attraction and sexual desire distinguishes friendship from a romantic relationship. It's not working for you, so do the right thing and let her go. 

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9 hours ago, Anon80 said:

. I didn't believe it was her at first. She didn't put any effort into trying to look cute and there were all sorts of other things like this wrong. 

Ok. You're not attracted so don't string her along. 

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14 hours ago, Anon80 said:

We had sex the first night but I felt I was forcing it and haven't initiated since. Kissing has grown to feel weird and in the meantime she told me she loved me too. We haven't talked about it yet and things are stuck in this in-between state which is causing intense anxiety in me. I normally date very attractive women - the last one I went on a date with used to be a model just to give an idea. I realize that's a very privileged thing to say but I point it out because it makes the feeling of disappointment so much worse because I had an incredible and fulfilling sex life. I still love her deeply and feel we are perfect together but I am not attracted and she's staying with me 24/7. I don't know where to go from here.

Seems too much too soon in the first place. You may not find her physically attractive, the online fascination wore off, reality hit, she's invading your space and around all the time. Not unusual you're feeling anxious and cramped.

This isn't all about her physical attractiveness. You opened yourself up to this scenario inviting her to stay with you when she essentially has no home to go back to. Massive red flag. Break up with her and let her know you wish her the best but this isn't working for you. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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fantasy vs reality?

In the beginning YOU had gotten out of a relationship and started something with her ( attraction, tolerable)... things would not last- you knew that.

Things end, she's gone a while.... after a time, she comes around again- so much different now.

You had a good few 'connections', before she left.  Just not the same now.. So, do you feel you CAN feel that again?  Does her looks matter that much to you?  OR, is she the same person who left you a cpl yrs ago?

I do believe in connections, other than just looks in someone.

I am wondering if she's the same AFTER going from dating you.. to someone else and now back to you.?

How long has she been back you way?  And if it's not been long, why is she there, living with you? 

 

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1 hour ago, Joanna B said:

Have you tried telling her in a good way what made you feel unpleased or even what you would really love to see on her? 

It's doubtful that there is a "a good way" to tell someone what to wear or that you don't find them attractive.

That is changing and controlling behavior. It's better for everyone involved to be free to find someone they can love, respect and are attracted to.

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3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

fantasy vs reality?

In the beginning YOU had gotten out of a relationship and started something with her ( attraction, tolerable)... things would not last- you knew that.

Things end, she's gone a while.... after a time, she comes around again- so much different now.

You had a good few 'connections', before she left.  Just not the same now.. So, do you feel you CAN feel that again?  Does her looks matter that much to you?  OR, is she the same person who left you a cpl yrs ago?

I do believe in connections, other than just looks in someone.

I am wondering if she's the same AFTER going from dating you.. to someone else and now back to you.?

How long has she been back you way?  And if it's not been long, why is she there, living with you? 

 

Personality-wise, she's the same and I'm even more in love with her personality and I don't think anything can change that. Physically, she is different. She's staying with me now because that was just the easy way for us to see each other.

I'm in my late 30s, have done a lot of dating and this kind of connection seems a bit rare so I feel I may not find this level of connection again. To lose her over something superficial like this would be heartbreaking for me as well.

I feel emotions of disappointment and sadness about the physical aspect while at the same time feeling so good from the connection. I worry that my sex life would be over permanently or be dramatically downgraded while it was so good before. I can't control that I feel that way. It's strange to hold two opposing emotions at the same time that are so strong.

I think I maybe could feel good about the physical in the future if she was back in shape but I don't know if that will happen and I don't know how it would work in the meantime.

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Okay, well if you do feel this much connection and emotions going on with her, I don't see why this can't work out.. Especially if you two BOTH are feeling it.

you can look past just the physical part, right?  it's strong enough for you there?  Not everyone is 'perfect'.

 

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It sounds like your actions do not match your internal feelings, hence the dissonance.

Like it or not, physical attraction is commonly essential to the survival of relationships. It is not about societal standards of beauty, but rather your individual attraction to her.

Here, are you upset because she doesn't meet societal standards of beauty? If it is that, well, then your pride is getting in the way of what could be an awesome relationship. Or, are you not feeling any physical attraction towards her? If so, well then, you may be compatible in other ways, but not in this important, perhaps essential way. Unless that somehow changes, you should break off the relationship due to incompatibility or "not feeling the spark."

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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Even if there's a great emotional connection, physical attraction is a must. There should be on a scale of 1 to 10 at least a 7. If you don't feel physically attracted to her now, how will you feel in 5-10 years?

I'm not saying you should look for a model, but there should be a minium attraction. And, you could find both connections in a partner; emotional and physical.

Obviously, if you wrote this here, it means that you really have a need missing. You can't change who she is. So, either you accept that and stop being turned off (if you can!, or simply part ways. You now know better one of your deal-breakers/must-haves.

Forcing this is not fair to neither of you.

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 I agree with you with you @Wiseman2 but then one of the many reasons we choose partner is to grow together sharpening each other[iron sharpens iron] so I don't see any reason to just let someone you like go just because of something that can be easily worked on.

 

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1 hour ago, Joanna B said:

 one of the many reasons we choose partner is to grow together sharpening each other[iron sharpens iron] 

One of the many reasons people break up is because of fixing and changing behaviors.

Basically what you see is what you get. It's insulting and unhealthy to try to remake someone into something else.

If you are talking about bible quotes, it means healthy competition, not telling your partner how to look or dress...or anything else for that matter.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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@Wiseman2 I am talking about things that can be worked on for instance, if you met an amazing partner who does not know how to cook , you can easily teach them and they will improve and get better. I also wouldn't advice anyone to try and change someone.

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1 hour ago, Joanna B said:

@Wiseman2 , if you met an amazing partner who does not know how to cook , you can easily teach them.

Sorry, don't want to derail OPs thread with your debate.

No one gets into a relationship for cooking lessons. Sorry, that's simply ridiculous.

Edited by Wiseman2
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On 6/9/2021 at 8:06 PM, Anon80 said:

I told her that I love her and I sincerely do.... So she decided to come visit and we didn't put an end date on it. I was imagining spending the rest of my life with her.

On 6/9/2021 at 8:06 PM, Anon80 said:

She gained some weight and went from me being just attracted enough to not really attracted. She showed up in terrible looking jeans half rolled up and a baggy t-shirt. I didn't believe it was her at first. She didn't put any effort into trying to look cute and there were all sorts of other things like this wrong. Meanwhile i pulled out all the stops, bringing flowers, gifts and decorating to make her feel special. But I just felt stupid.

We had sex the first night but I felt I was forcing it

OMG, what a disaster. I can't believe you're in your late 30s! I don't even know where to begin, except to say Please take a moment and think before you act.

You created this situation. Then, when you realized it wasn't what you wanted, you went ahead and reinforced it with your behavior. Why would you do that? I don't think you even know.

On 6/9/2021 at 8:06 PM, Anon80 said:

I don't know where to go from here.

I think the only logical, decent thing to do from here is to tell her the truth. "Hey, I got carried away. This isn't what I want. Sorry." 

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