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My (M47) girlfriend (F29) says she has trouble with sex because of fear of commitment, or is something else going on?


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TL;DR

My (M46) girlfriend (F28) has difficulty opening up sexually because of fear of commitment, but I'm wondering if there's other guys in the picture.

Hi all,

I (M47) am dating a girl (F29) since four months. We are very much in love and things have been great from the beginning. We don't notice the age difference at all when we are together, we feel completely equal intellectually. We are however in a different stage of life, which is logical. But we have a great click and things are pretty serious (we have each others keys, plan holiday together, meet each others family etc.)

As it comes to sex, things started very slow. Which is ok, I don't think there's a need to rush anything when you first meet. The first two months there was just a lot of hugging and kissing and sleeping over, but no intercourse. There was a lot of touching and romantic words from my side, but she wouldn't show any initiative to touch me or to go any further. Although she did say she liked it a lot and she got turned on by it.

But after three months I started to wonder if maybe something was wrong, since we continued to get more and more serious. I felt a bit confused if we were perhaps entering a platonic relationship? I decided to ask her directly why she wouldn't touch me. She replied she was just a bit weird like that and that she found it difficult to fully surrender physically. I asked her if she maybe wasn't attracted to me physically? No that was not it. I then asked her if she maybe had a bad sexual experience in her past that made her scared to fully open up sexually? No that also was not the case. I then asked her if there maybe was somebody else that she (still) liked or has feelings for? I mean, maybe she was dating someone before we met that she wasn't fully over with, or was still thinking about? I can imagine that can also be a reason for a 'physical blockade'. But no that was also not it she said.

She eventually told me that she had been in a relationship for two years which had ended very suddenly. Her boyfriend kicked her out of the house one morning without any warning or explanation, saying he was simply done with her. And that she's scared something similar might happen again now that we are getting so serious. Since that happened she had been single for two years and had been dating some guys, until she met me and we got 'serious'.

A few weeks went by and we had another talk about how she felt she's a bit hesitant to fully commit (sexually) because of being scared I would also leave her all of a sudden, but ALSO because she doesn't know for sure if she's ready to give up her 'newly' found freedom she enjoyed the past two years after breaking up with her ex. Being able to do whatever she wants, go to parties, meet new people, date different guys. Travel by herself, etc. I told her I understand that if she's not ready to commit again she should perhaps just be single again? I said I would be sad if it ended between us, but I can't force her into anything she's not ready for right? But during all this time (we are past three months now) we are still together almost every day, telling each other constantly how much in love we are, sleeping over, hours of hugging and kissing and being 'boyfriend&girlfriend' socially.

Strange enough, after we had that talk, things started to go better. We started to have sex regularly and talking about our future. Plan a holiday together, exchanging house keys, fantasising about living abroad together for a few years. We are four months together now and things look solid.

But... still every now and then when we are romantic in bed, she sometimes says she has no libido and apologises for it and 'blames' it again on fear of commitment. For me it's a bit frustrating, although I give her all the space she needs. But I also think at 29 years old she should be in her sexual prime and if we are really serious why this constant hesitation? I made it clear many times that I'm serious with her, I am done fooling around (I'm 47, I've calmed down already). All I can think is that she still longs to her 'single' lifestyle a bit?

Now comes the part I struggle with a bit. I have been off social media for a few years, but recently decided to log in again and see what's going on. Also I was curious what my girlfriend had been posting online since we met. I never asked and was never bothered to know. Of course her being 29 she's into instagram a lot. On her profile I found nothing special, although I noticed she posted nothing about me or us.

I did notice one very sexy picture (it stands out because all other posts are not sexy at all), her posing in tight jeans and a bra, about 2 months into our relationship. I had never seen this picture before, and I never received a picture this sexy from her so far. (We do send each other selfies almost every day, but never sexual ones). In the comments there's one guy reacting with the smiley with two hearts as eyes, and her replying 'darling' and a smiley with a kiss/mouth. I don't know who this guy is and she never mentioned his name. I checked and she has been commenting 'hearts' on all his posts the past 12 months. Also there's one other guy she's been commenting 'hearts' on a lot of pictures and continued to do so until now.

I feel a bit betrayed in a way. Why is she taking a picture like that and doesn't send it to me, the guy she's dating/spending nights with, but instead posts it online? And doing that while she 'has trouble' opening up sexually with me. Is it weird for me to feel a bit fooled?

Also, should I confront her with this? I do like to know who these two guys are, and if it has anything to do with her fear of commitment. When I think a 'bad' scenario, was my initial feeling right that perhaps she was still 'busy' with someone else while we were having sexless sleepovers?

Things are going great between us, but I can't help wondering if she's still in touch with other guys?

How should I read this? Am I seeing ghosts? Is she lying to me about why she didn't want to have sex the first three months?

Would I ruin the good vibes we have if I bring this up now? I am very much in love with her and she is with me. Should I just be wiser and older and let this go? Or should I ask her to show me her whatsapp and DMs in her phone for me to see who she is still in touch with?

I am pretty conservative when it comes to things like this. I was also dating before I met her, but the moment we kissed I removed all chats and numbers of any other women that could have romantic intensions. Is it fair to ask the same from her?

Thanks in advance for any advice how to deal with this!

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The answer is probably what you don't want to hear. Given her age and relationship history, she probably sees you as an older "safe" guy to test drive the whole relationship thing again. However, I doubt she is actually turned on or attracted to you that much thus the excuses and lack of interest in sex with you. Yes, she has her eye on younger options more her age and I think eventually she'll move on to that.

You are more into her than she is into you and fantasizing about a future does not a solid relationship make. You have an odd mix of almost insta-relationship type pace but with some very big issues and key ingredients missing - sexual attraction and passion in that department. At least on her side.

Now added to that is lack of trust. You know something is off and you went looking. Truth be told, you didn't actually find anything, but the fact that you are upset anyway and are contemplating confronting her or going through her social media accounts to see what she is doing.....NO, just don't. You are not her dad and she is not your teen kid. You do not police relationships like that. If you can't trust her, then it's already over. If you feel the need and are driven to snoop and look, you already know things are way off course.

Problems in the bedroom are typically grounds for ending things rather than snooping through social media. So yes, user your life experience to see the writing on the wall and move on.

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Hi thanks for your reply. 

I think you are right about a lot of things here. And I definitely don't want to end up policing her by checking her social media. I hate that and it's unhealthy. 

You could be right about simply not being that attracted to me. Although she was the one chasing me at first, and she told me she was physically attracted when we fist met. Often tells me how sexy and handsome she thinks I am. And when we do have sex (since the last month out of the four we've been together) it's pretty good. I have a feeling she's opening up finally. 

She is the one talking about maybe buying a house together later, going places, meeting each other's family etc. I am the one pacing her down a bit. She was the first to say I love you. 

But you are right, I do miss the passion and lots of sex you normally have at the start of a relationship. I do give her lots of space and time to come to me whenever she's ready and never push or rush anything. 

She's a great person and I don't think she has any bad intentions. She is very committed, perhaps even more than I am to her. 

I am just puzzled if I'm giving 'too much' room and I'm making a fool out of myself not addressing her sending hearts to two other men (who she possibly has been dating the past year I think) or am I too strict if I would confront her and tell her I don't accept this. And possibly chasing her away.

I really want to consider the somewhat unusual situation we are in being in different life stages, and be literally older and wiser. But I also don't want to be taken for granted.

Thanks again for your insight, it's very helpful.

 

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I don’t think she’s as into you as you are into her. 

She seems to love the idea of a relationship but she’s not actually that excited by the prospect of a relationship with you. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you but I don’t think she’s feeling the same sexual desire with you that you do with her. Yeah, she talks about a future and whatnot but it seems she’s one of those types who gets a bit carried away with fantasy of settling down rather than examining the real long-term compatibility with the man she’s dating.

I personally don’t really buy her being afraid to commit sexually - the half-naked pics on social media suggest she actually really enjoys the attention and is more comfortable with her sexuality than she leads you to believe. My guess is that she wants to be turned on and excited between the sheets with you but she just doesn’t really have those feelings for you.

Not a pleasant thought, I realize, but when actions and words don’t line up, it’s because someone isn’t being honest- either with you, or with themselves. 

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You are in different life stages and she is almost two decades younger than you. That's too big and is not going to go away.  Based on the info that you provided, she is not ready to give up her freedom and she told you that much yet you kept pushing and she gave in because she enjoys the tones of validation that you provide her with.  At 47 you have had all the time in the world to sow your wild oats. Of course you have calmed down. At 29 she hasn't, plus it sounds like she has unaddressed issues from her past that she hasn't resolved.  Imo, it's selfish going after someone who is that much younger and still troubled by her past i.e. in such a different life stage and state of mind and expecting her/pushing her to live life at your pace.  The 18 year difference in life stages will always be there.  What do you think is going to happen when you are pushing retirement and she still has 18 years of active working life? Plus, the sheer fact that you think that asking her to show you her whatsupp and DMs in her phone as if you are her dad and she is an unruly teenager speaks volumes about that difference in life stages that you keep trying to push under the rug.  How is this ever acceptable in a healthy relationship? Imo, if you are really looking to settle, you should seek for someone closer to your own age and no more than 10 years younger tops.  And regardless of age, it should be someone that you don't feel the urge to police/monitor or have to bargain with in order to have sex.  These are huge RED flags that you are with the wrong person.  

 

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9 hours ago, JasonP said:

. Her boyfriend kicked her out of the house one morning without any warning.

16 weeks is enough time to reflect on red flags 🚩 like this one.

Sexless sleep overs are more red flags.

All you can do is get to know her until you see the real reasons.

Right now you seem like a security blanket for her.

So many things don't add up, but only time will tell.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

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15 hours ago, JasonP said:

I (M47) am dating a girl (F29) since four months. We are very much in love and things have been great from the beginning

- Has only been 4 months.  Is not love.  it's lust.  Love builds over time. - this is the Honeymoon phase....

 

15 hours ago, JasonP said:

We are however in a different stage of life, which is logical. But we have a great click and things are pretty serious (we have each others keys, plan holiday together, meet each others family etc.)

- Seriously?  All of this in 4 months?  😮 

I dated guys for over 4 yrs at a time.. who NEVER had my house keys, etc.  And why are you guys pushing on so fast with so many expectations?  Whoaa...

 

15 hours ago, JasonP said:

A few weeks went by and we had another talk about how she felt she's a bit hesitant to fully commit (sexually) because of being scared I would also leave her all of a sudden, but ALSO because she doesn't know for sure if she's ready to give up her 'newly' found freedom she enjoyed the past two years after breaking up with her ex. Being able to do whatever she wants, go to parties, meet new people, date different guys.

- Yup, she is NOT ready to be this involved with YOU.

She's wanting to still be free& able to do all of this.. no commitment. ( this is why you should not get involved with someone at such an age... some are still uncertain, where YOU are more settled - totally different life going on.)

 

15 hours ago, JasonP said:

I feel a bit betrayed in a way. Why is she taking a picture like that and doesn't send it to me, the guy she's dating/spending nights with, but instead posts it online?

Because she does not feel that close to you.

 

16 hours ago, JasonP said:

I am very much in love with her and she is with me. Should I just be wiser and older and let this go? Or should I ask her to show me her whatsapp and DMs in her phone for me to see who she is still in touch with?

Seriously?  IF you do this.. there goes any form of trust.. 😕 .. Sad,

 

IMO, You are way into her.  She's not that into you.  

You two are not aligned at all.  Yes, there is a difference with age difference.

Stop expecting so much with this gal and let her go.. live it up, as she wishes.

 

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She is allowed to dress sexy or not sexy.  If a guy commented on social media it doesn't mean she really even knows him.

Not all people jump into sex. Also lots of people don't unless there is a commitment. And she is not sold on you.  She doesn't at this time want to commit to a guy who is almost 20 years older than her.  She *could* have a low libido. some people actually do!

she is very clear she is not sure she wants to settle down into a relationship. It doesn't mean there is someone else.  If i were her age, i would imagine a guy with that age difference wants marriage and kids -- not just see where it goes. 

So i would have a conversation of what you are looking for and find out what she says.  She may be relieved to hear you are not looking what she thinks you are looking for.  Maybe you break up because you want something serious and she doesn't - no harm, no foul. 

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Well in my opinion something is wrong here. I don't think that someone wouldn't want to have sex for three months of serious dating with someone they're really into. What she's saying and doing is very contradictive. She says she wants to be really serious with you and to buy a house but then she also said she's not sure if she really just loves being single and dating different guys. So which one is it? 

I understand social media doesn't always mean anything and if her Instagram profile is set to public then any guys in the world can follow her and comment on her photos or whatever they want. But she posted a sexy photo in a bra on her public Instagram when she actually had a serious boyfriend for two months. In my opinion the main reason to post sexy photos on your social media is to get attention from men. So why was she looking for that attention if she already had a boyfriend she apparently loves and is serious with? Something really doesn't add up here.

And also if she'd been commenting with hearts on that guy's photos for the past year, that means he's not just a total random that just popped up. She actually knows him and interacts with him. Whether he be just someone online or someone she knows in real life, she's got something going on with him. And once she met you she continued interacting with him and probably still does.

I mean, maybe she just is a type of girl who is flirtatious and even if she has a boyfriend, she still wants attention from other guys and talks to other guys. The question is do you want to be with someone like that?

 

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