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When/how to tell him I love him?


Anj
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He and I have been friends right from childhood. Our friendship is complicated in that in the last few years it’s started to feel like more than just a friendship. Despite the fact that we’ve lived on different continents for about half the time we’ve been friends, he devotes so much time and attention to me. Neither of us really care much for labels so we’ve never really talked about where we stand. 
We both like each other a lot. Everyone around us knows it and are kinda pushing for us to get together. He’s also really private and shy and doesn’t open up easily. However in the last week, he’s opened up a lot. He finally admitted to liking me a lot (I could already tell from the special attention he gives me) and said I “had his heart”. We’ve also had pretty deep/serious conversations since then about things like our struggles, our expectations from a relationship, our past, decisions we’ve made that we’re not proud of etc. It felt so good to see that side of him. We’ve been even more inseparable since. We’re constantly on a video call with each other. Like opening up, somehow brought us even closer. I hate the goodbyes at the end of our conversations and I hate being so far away from him even more. Being so far away is getting harder by the day. I know now that I love him. It is both exciting and scary. I want to tell him how feel. I wanted to save it for a face to face conversation but given COVID travel restrictions here and being stuck in training for the rest of the year, I likely won’t get to see him until at least next year. I don’t know if I can wait that long to tell him. What’s your opinion? When’s the right time to tell him? In person? Over one of our video calls? What do I do? Saying those 3 magic words will change the course of our friendship. Help!!

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  • Anj changed the title to When/how to tell him I love him?

@Wiseman2 it took him 7 years to finally admit he liked me lol…I don’t know if he’ll ever say those words without a bit of nudge from me but I’m also trying not to push so hard that I make him shut off his emotions/feelings again. I also get the sense that he has this fear that he might disappoint me if we end up together (even though he’ll never admit it 🤣😂 and couldn’t disappoint me if he tried based on all the things I’ve learned about him) 

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If things get serious over long distance how would that affect your everyday life or your future? Does that mean you'd be more attached and want to move out to him or expect him to move out to you? How does that limit or enhance other aspects of your life ie career or work (or his)?

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3 minutes ago, Anj said:

@Wiseman2 it took him 7 years to finally admit he liked me lol…I don’t know if he’ll ever say those words without a bit of nudge from me 

If you "nudge him", he's not feeling it just pressured into responding.

Unfortunately you seem too overinvested in this.

It's a mistake to assume guys are shy or hurting or whatever.

There's 2 types of guys. Those who are into you and those who are not.

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You"?

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I'd figure he already knows that much.

As you said he's already told you you have his heart.  That's plenty, right?

Why don't you just say the same to him, when you video chat sometime?

And.. I feel you two have never met?  or, have you?

Remember, it's always different to be with someone in person, for real than over some distance & a screen.. Just hoping, that when you do meet up and get more comfy, that things all stay the same.  🙂 

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1 hour ago, Anj said:

He and I have been friends right from childhood. Our friendship is complicated in that in the last few years it’s started to feel like more than just a friendship. Despite the fact that we’ve lived on different continents for about half the time we’ve been friends,

 So you knew him in real life when you were children.May I ask, how old are you two now?

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@Wiseman2 I have read the book. A blind man can tell we’re into each other. Our siblings have been pushing for us to date for probably 3-4 years.

Earlier in the week, he asked me if I could see myself living with him and what my expectations in a marriage are. 
His friend walked in on our last conversation and asked if I was his girlfriend. He got really quiet and awkward for a second and then we looked at each other and burst out laughing. He never answered. I do the same thing as well so I understood him. I never know what label to use for us so I just don’t answer. He then sent me a voice message from his friend shortly after with his friend saying he (the friend) had heard a lot about me and he (the friend) approved me. A little later on he asked me if I thought official labels ruined things and I gave him my honest opinion. Lately we’ve been conversations about things we’ve done in the past that would be considered deal breakers in a relationship and what things would look life if we did settle down together. Not sure what to make out of all this and his decision to suddenly open up to me as he has this week. It’s very unlike him.

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@Wiseman2I reconnected with him and his siblings about 11 years ago through a mutual friend. We were good friends growing up. He and his siblings were always over at our place. We wanted to pick up our friendship where we left off. There were was only about a 5-6 yr gap where we lost connection. Neither of us have ever been married and no long term relationship for at least a year

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26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So, when did you decide it was a romantic rather than friendship interest?

We’ve always had a crush on each other but I would say about 6 years ago is when the romantic interest started. That’s when we first talked about liking each other 

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5 hours ago, Anj said:

@Rose Mosse He’s been working on moving out here. He’s done some of the needed exams and applications. The pandemic has just slowed than the process since only essential travel is allowed 

I agree with SooSad. If there's chemistry between the both of you and he's already asked you those personal questions related to marriage saying you love each other are just words. You both already know that there's a romantic connection. I sense you're frustrated with waiting around for him since he's the one who has to make the big move. That's a big adjustment. 

I don't think saying it will make a difference. Enjoy chatting and keep it light and casual until he does actually move. 

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5 hours ago, Anj said:

A little later on he asked me if I thought official labels ruined things

Red flag. I'm going to guess he's the one who doesn't like "labels".

So neither of you has dated anyone in the past 7 years?

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Red flag. I'm going to guess he's the one who doesn't like "labels".

So neither of you has dated anyone in the past 7 years?

We have dated other people. Despite the romantic interest, we’ve never officially dated so of course we’ve been in other relationships.

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4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I agree with SooSad. If there's chemistry between the both of you and he's already asked you those personal questions related to marriage saying you love each other are just words. You both already know that there's a romantic connection. I sense you're frustrated with waiting around for him since he's the one who has to make the big move. That's a big adjustment. 

I don't think saying it will make a difference. Enjoy chatting and keep it light and casual until he does actually move. 

You are exactly right! I will try to enjoy chatting and leave things as is until he gets here

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23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Red flag. I'm going to guess he's the one who doesn't like "labels".

So neither of you has dated anyone in the past 7 years?

I agree with you and i also feel like he has some fears or rather both of them have some fears?

are you afraid that you Might lose him  @Anj?

 

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