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Am I being selfish


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Sorry for long write up! 

I'm at a bit of a loss at the moment. I've been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years (physically). I have since moved back to my home country, she has remained in hers. We both knew this was going to happen, I was very honest about it when we first started seeing each other. But we went along the see how it goes. After 2 years it went well, we had some brief talks about how we will be together long term. But whenever I brought the subject up, we never really had a plan. When it came to me leaving it was fairly heart-breaking for both of us, but both tried to reassure we will keep contact and try see each other soon, COVID permitting.... This was about 4 months ago. 

Fast forward to now, we are now in a LDR, I am still trying to settle. I have been doing my best to keep in touch with my girlfriend and we have had fairly regular calls, video chats and text from time to time. But time zone differences don't help, she wants calls in the morning, when I am just arriving at work. She doesn’t want to call to often in the evenings because she wants time to do her own thing, which I’m fine with. To which the last few months, we have been arguing more about not having time together. I suggested can we set dates and times to which we can setup a date night, she agreed, but would not settle on a date or time..... this has annoyed me as we are still just winging it for calls.

About a month ago my last grandparent died, due to covid, this upset me greatly as I never got to see her before she passed. It was quite sudden, no one knew she was ill until she was found. I tried to get a hold of my girlfriend to tell her, but she was busy at work and couldn’t talk. So I had  to leave a text with her. Ok fine, so I got on with things to help my family. I text her again in the evening asking if she could call, I just wanted to talk to her. She answered to say she was getting bed and that late evenings are just not good for her. Then a quick “sorry for your loss”. I felt pretty let down by this.

Week goes by and we are hardly talking, she tells me about the odd thing how her day was etc. I’ve tried telling her I wanted a call as I’m struggling with the loss of my grandparent and juggling all these bits and would like some support from her. She just told me you have always been the strong one, you will be fine etc etc... She then tells me she is going on a short holiday with a couple of her friends. For me it felt like straw that broke the camels back.... I felt unsupported during this really difficult time, the lack of communication, I snapped and said this isn’t working I need a break from this relationship, we are hardly talking anyway, go enjoy your holiday. She then ranted at me saying how could I do this to her before her holiday, saying that I am hurting her and trying to spoil it for her.... Then said I am just being selfish and only thinking of my own life...

I know I have my part to blame in this, I am not the best communicator especially via text, I do prefer talking. But is it really selfish of me, given what is happening in my life at the moment, to want some support from my girlfriend? Granted maybe I shouldn’t have snapped with asking to take a break, but what she replied after has just made me really dislike her, I would have expected some empathy.

Problem is, I am now totally confused... she has got me thinking I over reacted to much. I’m now questioning myself, was I expecting to much? I’ve said to her I need to take more time away from this and to think things over. I’m not happy with the way things went and I’m not sure I want her in my life anymore. We don’t seem to have a plan and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to with her. She’s been texting pics of her holiday, being loving, then scornful, then loving again. It’s driving me crazy and I don’t know which way to turn.

I don’t know what to expect out of writing this here, but at least I get it off my chest...

Edited by SourCherry
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16 minutes ago, SourCherry said:

I snapped and said this isn’t working I need a break from this relationship, we are hardly talking anyway, go enjoy your holiday. She then ranted at me saying how could I do this to her before her holiday, saying that I am hurting her and trying to spoil it for her.

Sorry this happened. Distance relationships have a lot of difficulties and hardships. 

In a way, yes the "take a break" remark was a manipulative guilt trip, especially followed by the snarky sarcasm of "have a nice trip".

Step way back and decide if you want this much conflict. It may be better to date locally.

 

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I don't think you are being selfish but I do think you both are being unrealistic. This is a long distance relationship and LDR are hard especially if one is going through a tough time- it is hard for the other person to provide them the support they need especially if one of them is busy actually living their life.

I think you need to consider breaking up and not a break. You both have your own lives to live and maybe someone who lives closer to you is better than someone on a screen. 

I met my husband online, but we never stayed online longer then 6 months. It's important to have a game plan, and from the looks of it, it sounds like you brought it up but it just never seem to pan out to solution. LDR... the longer they are, they fizzle out due to doubts, keep that in mind.

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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In a way, yes the "take a break" remark was a manipulative guilt trip, especially followed by the snarky sarcasm of "have a nice trip".

yes you are right, I understood that, sadly after the fact. 

@LootieTootie thanks for the advice. I think I have been pondering that the distance and not having an end game has been stiring in my head. I think I've just been trying to ignore it, which I know is not healthy. 

I think I was quite ignorant to how difficult a LDR would actually be. 

I'm just confused with her love then hate reactions from her.

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6 minutes ago, SourCherry said:

yes you are right, I understood that, sadly after the fact. 

@LootieTootie thanks for the advice. I think I have been pondering that the distance and not having an end game has been stiring in my head. I think I've just been trying to ignore it, which I know is not healthy. 

I think I was quite ignorant to how difficult a LDR would actually be. 

I'm just confused with her love then hate reactions from her.

No one knows why she reacted the way she did, only she knows. I surmise that she might be under stress. I think she doesn't know how to comfort you while so far away, yet she wants to live her life without feeling the need to "check on you" via text.

You both are not selfish. You both are just at different chapters in your lives that doesn't involve each other and as I said, the more you don't have a plan to close the distance, don't waste each other's time because its only going to fester doubts and falling out of love for each other.

You have a life too, and you need to live it.

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11 minutes ago, SourCherry said:

I'm just confused with her love then hate reactions from her.

People react like that or inconsistently when they're unhappy also. The point is that you start taking a look at what makes you happy and think of your own life moving forward. What she is or what she isn't won't matter so much anymore when you've already decided she's not the right person for you. 

It sounds like the relationship was limping along with no future since you both moved to your home country. This is a natural fork in the road where you're not seeing eye to eye anymore and have lost interest in planning for the future or including each other in your lives. 

I'm sorry about the loss of your grandparent. You are not selfish for wanting more out of a partner. You SHOULD want more out of a partner. This is no way to spend the rest of your life wondering what's going on on the other side or living an illusion thinking that your lives will converge again when it probably won't. Be more realistic and cut yourself loose.

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