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7 months of limbo


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Well where do I start,

maybe some help in terms of what to do next, me and my ex split up roughly 7/8 months ago now and due to get married last year.

after she ended the relationship I know she met someone a couple of times. It freaked her out at that stage I knew and then it turned to anger.

we didn’t speak for 3/4 weeks and then she messaged to meet up(sexually).

we did this on a few occasions and then led to more..we have been in this limbo now of pushing and pulling for 6 months now until lately she finally wrote a message after spending the weekend together to finally say she has to let me go as much as I’ve changed from past problems in the relationship she can’t forget the past. She says to move forward now she has to leave me behind and that she wishes me well.

I tried to contact after this but she said would help if I didn’t contact her from now and that I should go and forget about her too. As the pressure is too much. We shared 3 kids not mine but helped bring them up for the 4 years together. I asked if they would be part of my life still and she said for the first time it won’t be right.

even when it first ended she said they would always be happy see me and that be good for them but she had slowly distanced me from them to the point of this now.

She said she is exhausted from it all and that there is no one else but she doesn’t feel the same way and she as tried and what I’ve done if she wanted to commit she would of done but she says she has changed and her feelings have been drawn away. She doesn’t look at me the same or love me the same.

not sure what my options are now I asked about if we could go back to getting to know each other and she just said we are going round in circles and we tried that but it isn’t working for her now.

I feel like I need do something but I don’t know what...I asked if I could grab a cofffee with her but it’s was sadly written back that she is so sorry but she can’t see me anymore

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3 minutes ago, Johnb17 said:

my ex split up roughly 7/8 months ago now and due to get married last year.

 she has to let me go as much as I’ve changed from past problems in the relationship she can’t forget the past. She says to move forward now she has to leave me behind and that she wishes me well.

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? 

It's good this limbo and situationship is finally over.

She's right that basic problems do not change and it's time to move forward .

Delete and block her so you can put the past and the tainted feelings behind you.

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We had been together for 4 years lived together and were engaged for one year before we were getting married in June until Covid hit.

she is 40 and myself 33..the relationship had its ups and down and I promised to change On a few things and only until last year I finally did but she says can’t forget the past. And as much it’s a new version of me and she knows what I want she can’t give that to me. Even while we split she had to do pregnancy test and it was at a stage where she was inviting me round most afternoons for a coffee and a chat. Then she would go quiet and I would push harder and then finally probably pushed her too far make a decision and she says even after all this time she doesn’t feel the same way and I can’t do anymore but she doesn’t see me in that light.

the limbo I agree but it felt better to have something that nothing as it seemed at certain points we were getting somewhere.

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1 minute ago, Johnb17 said:

4 years lived together 

she is 40 and myself 33..

as much it’s a new version of me

That's long enough to know that you are incompatible on many levels.

What did she mean by "can't give you what you want"? What was the breakup really about?

"New version of yourself" is from "get your ex back" material, however that never works.

Focus on letting go not being someone you are not or any other "versions" of who you are.

 

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As she meant that I want her and the family back together.

but she doesn’t want that.

well I meant as in new version of myself I meant I had changed in terms of what I wanted to do in terms of drinking and quitting that which I’ve enjoyed. Which was always the downfall of my relationship.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's long enough to know that you are incompatible on many levels.

What did she mean by "can't give you what you want"? What was the breakup really about?

"New version of yourself" is from "get your ex back" material, however that never works.

Focus on letting go not being someone you are not or any other "versions" of who you are.

 

I understand what you say about letting go, but truly it’s the last thing I want to do. Not in terms of there is more fish in the sea but I was going to marry this lady and don’t easily want to give up on that but I feel I’m out of ideas on what to do.

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You cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one with you.

She said no. It's important to take her at her word and presume she means it. And that it means no forever.

You haven't allowed yourself to move on and see what life is really like without her in it. How about giving it a try?

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one with you.

She said no. It's important to take her at her word and presume she means it. And that it means no forever.

You haven't allowed yourself to move on and see what life is really like without her in it. How about giving it a try?

It’s just she said this before and then came back and then feel I pushed it too soon.

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There's nothing to do. Remain respectful and do not show up unannounced or send any unwanted texts, gifts to her house or workplace, call her or approach any of the kids or her family members or friends. There is a thing called break up etiquette or what I like to call it and that means accepting reality and forcing less of what you think you should be doing on others or living in disillusion. 

She's been very patient with you and even-tempered so don't take advantage of that. Keep your distance and rethink whether this relationship is as good as you might have thought. You did make some changes towards the end but she lost interest already. She wasn't as committed as you thought especially if you both were engaged. 

Leave some time for all this to sink in before you do anything or say anything you regret. You're in shock right now which is understandable. Give yourself more time.

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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

There's nothing to do. Remain respectful and do not show up unannounced or send any unwanted texts, gifts to her house or workplace, call her or approach any of the kids or her family members or friends. There is a thing called break up etiquette or what I like to call it and that means accepting reality and forcing less of what you think you should be doing on others or living in disillusion. 

She's been very patient with you and even-tempered so don't take advantage of that. Keep your distance and rethink whether this relationship is as good as you might have thought. You did make some changes towards the end but she lost interest already. She wasn't as committed as you thought especially if you both were engaged. 

Leave some time for all this to sink in before you do anything or say anything you regret. You're in shock right now which is understandable. Give yourself more time.

I totally understand but with been in this on/off for 6 months as it drained her or is it been used as an excuse?

like nothing as happened lately for her to change like this as two weeks ago be spent a holiday together but she said she wasn’t sure about going.

she’s at an age now where she says she has to be sure because of the kids and she is t sure.

I don’t know what to believe or what my options are..it feels like the break up as been drawn out over these months as both didn’t want to let go but not sure if that’s been easier for her in a sense as I’ve always been there to try and win her heart back.

 

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Just now, Johnb17 said:

I totally understand but with been in this on/off for 6 months as it drained her or is it been used as an excuse?

like nothing as happened lately for her to change like this as two weeks ago be spent a holiday together but she said she wasn’t sure about going.

she’s at an age now where she says she has to be sure because of the kids and she is t sure.

I don’t know what to believe or what my options are..it feels like the break up as been drawn out over these months as both didn’t want to let go but not sure if that’s been easier for her in a sense as I’ve always been there to try and win her heart back.

 

It feels like she as no emotion towards any of this neither.

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1 minute ago, Johnb17 said:

I don’t know what to believe or what my options are..it feels like the break up as been drawn out over these months as both didn’t want to let go but not sure if that’s been easier for her in a sense as I’ve always been there to try and win her heart back.

That's why you need time. She doesn't want to get back together with you and you are likely right that she was weaning herself off of you for months. The problem is that you thought you both may have had a chance to grow closer. She was never that certain about you but she was emotionally attached. Logically, you're not the one for her. 

The longer you stay stuck believing that she's a catch or the right woman for you, the longer you live in disillusion. When someone shows you that they don't want to be with you, believe it. There are no ifs buts or maybes. 

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

That's why you need time. She doesn't want to get back together with you and you are likely right that she was weaning herself off of you for months. The problem is that you thought you both may have had a chance to grow closer. She was never that certain about you but she was emotionally attached. Logically, you're not the one for her. 

The longer you stay stuck believing that she's a catch or the right woman for you, the longer you live in disillusion. When someone shows you that they don't want to be with you, believe it. There are no ifs buts or maybes. 

Does this mean gone forewver then if she was weaning herself off me? And why would someone do this like is that fear of letting go or the courage to do so or because she wanted to be around me.

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That whole on/off for the past 6 months means that she used you to get over you. Now she has gotten over you and she is making it very clear to you that this relationship is completely done and over. That includes any ongoing contact with her children. Granted, this was all done with your willing participation. You were free to say no to that any time you wanted to.

What I'm saying is that nobody can ever use you without YOUR explicit permission and active participation.

As for your drinking and that you've been doing better with that. Honestly, I hope that you stay sober. However, understand that damage done by that cannot be undone. She cannot unsee, unlive, or otherwise forget what your drinking put her through and she is done. Forever. These are consequences, OP, and not something you can undo.

All you can do is take away a harsh lesson and keep staying sober forever and be a better man to a new woman when you are ready to date again. In this situation, too much water under that bridge and you need to learn to accept that.

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41 minutes ago, Johnb17 said:

meant as in new version of myself I meant I had changed in terms of what I wanted to do in terms of drinking and quitting that which I’ve enjoyed. 

Excellent.

Hopefully you have ongoing sobriety support and are enjoying being clean and sober.

You need a fresh slate with someone else. There is simply too much bad blood.

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7 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

That whole on/off for the past 6 months means that she used you to get over you. Now she has gotten over you and she is making it very clear to you that this relationship is completely done and over. That includes any ongoing contact with her children. Granted, this was all done with your willing participation. You were free to say no to that any time you wanted to.

What I'm saying is that nobody can ever use you without YOUR explicit permission and active participation.

As for your drinking and that you've been doing better with that. Honestly, I hope that you stay sober. However, understand that damage done by that cannot be undone. She cannot unsee, unlive, or otherwise forget what your drinking put her through and she is done. Forever. These are consequences, OP, and not something you can undo.

All you can do is take away a harsh lesson and keep staying sober forever and be a better man to a new woman when you are ready to date again. In this situation, too much water under that bridge and you need to learn to accept that.

I agree I was a willing participant as I thought it was leading somewhere even upto 6 weeks ago she would reach out every single time.

we would spend most of our spare time together.

but I just don’t know as you say she as used me to get over me or it was a case she wanted to be in that environment and around me.

I can’t Unchange things I totally understand that it was more a case of that she was growing to love me again this way.

we have never truly had space apart from the three weeks at the start of the end if that makes sense. I don’t know if time heals this as she has reached out previously when things have gone quiet but it does feel different this time now.

I feel I want to say something like I said previously but anything will fall on deaf ears I fear.

she also at 40 probably as to be sure, and it feels the same previously that she dropped me when she met someone else.

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I think it's high time for you to work on letting her go so you can heal and move on. At your age, you have time and options to start over with someone new on a clean slate, so long as you continue to keep away from the bottle.

Some people come into your life for a reason and also leave for a reason and that reason is for your benefit - lessons learned, improvements made for a brighter future.

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1 hour ago, Johnb17 said:

not sure what my options are now I asked about if we could go back to getting to know each other and she just said we are going round in circles and we tried that but it isn’t working for her now.

I feel like I need do something but I don’t know what...I asked if I could grab a cofffee with her but it’s was sadly written back that she is so sorry but she can’t see me anymore

All of this is affecting BOTH of you and she has finally stepped up & acted - which was the right thing to do and yes, it is hard 😕 .

But, she's come to realize it's done now.. sorry.

As you realize, sex is nothing.. that's the easy part.  And it does not make things better.

Now, as she's explained, you NEED to back off and respect her wishes.  She needs to accept as is, same as you do.

You do nothing now.. except work on accepting this  and working through everything.. healing.. moving on.

Don't keep at her.  Don't contact her anymore.. nothing.

Find ways to 'vent' in your own way... get a journal & say all you want to in that.  Be active.. keep busy - hang with friends, get outside etc.  And self care.. get your rest. ❤️ 

I know.. it's hard.. but in time, with distance, things will ease off.

One day at a time.. tc

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36 minutes ago, Johnb17 said:

but I just don’t know as you say she as used me to get over me or it was a case she wanted to be in that environment and around me.

No, I agree.. they act this way because THEY are trying as well to 'accept & let go'.. and so , she has come to that point, of acceptance now.

Although, it's just hurt you... and was not fair 😕 .

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Johnb17 said:

Does this mean gone forewver then if she was weaning herself off me? And why would someone do this like is that fear of letting go or the courage to do so or because she wanted to be around me.

She is gone forever. Count it as permanent. Once the dust settles you'll also be able to see that someone who checks out isn't worth sticking around for also. This is not a one way street.

Stay sober, spend time with your friends and rebuild your life without her. Don't bother with staying friends or staying in touch with your mutual contacts or the kids. That just holds you back and prevents you from seeing past the break up. 

It sounds like she may have been processing and letting you go also. Rest assured it'll matter less and less in the future the more you get back on your feet and start realizing there's a whole life waiting for you. Give yourself time to recoup.

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31 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

No, I agree.. they act this way because THEY are trying as well to 'accept & let go'.. and so , she has come to that point, of acceptance now.

Although, it's just hurt you... and was not fair 😕 .

 

 

 

I appreciate your brutal honesty in all of this!

in my position granted I take your opinion on board.

I can say why if and all of that and if she truly wanted to come back she would come back on her terms. I don’t want to force her to come back!

I agree she has stepped up and maybe should of been the one before to either say your either or out I’ve given her time to process it and let me go slowly which I feel a slight fool for her as the void for her as been easier!

I do believe she truly loved me or she would t of been willing to marry me but something as changed over time even though that’s only a year ago.

and at moments like I said she was all in but not committing where she feels the pressure and anxiety of it all is too much. And she says it’s fairer to let me go now and I take that on face value but there seems no feelings on her side now!

maybe that will change in time who knows x

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5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She is gone forever. Count it as permanent. Once the dust settles you'll also be able to see that someone who checks out isn't worth sticking around for also. This is not a one way street.

Stay sober, spend time with your friends and rebuild your life without her. Don't bother with staying friends or staying in touch with your mutual contacts or the kids. That just holds you back and prevents you from seeing past the break up. 

It sounds like she may have been processing and letting you go also. Rest assured it'll matter less and less in the future the more you get back on your feet and start realizing there's a whole life waiting for you. Give yourself time to recoup.

And I suppose the kids are huge void even though they are not mine I’ve known them since small ages and been a dad to them. Even if it was a case of seeing them and she didn’t I would like that but I can’t change that

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IMO, she has tried.. again.  Realizing now, it's not the same anymore 😕 .

Sadly, things do change & we do 'fall out of love', for reasons.

We cannot 'make' someone love us.

Yup, it sucks sometimes, when we've come to be 'emotionally invested' in someone, then lose it 😞 .  Been there.. many have.

Relationships come with expectations... communication, respect, energy, etc. And, of course, are we 'able'.. Do we 'feel it'..?

As for you hoping it can 'change in time'... (reality speaking), it won't.

Often, when a couple has broken up, then try again, it so often will fail again ( like it has). And, it does for reasons.. ( eg. Pains from first BU, to why things ended the first time - and not dealt with...etc).

So... is maybe best for YOU to now work on accepting.. Feel your emotions.. let it flow.. work through all of this & be easy on yourself.  Life isn't over.. but we learn to accept things.. heal from it and move on ( though it does take time).

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

IMO, she has tried.. again.  Realizing now, it's not the same anymore 😕 .

Sadly, things do change & we do 'fall out of love', for reasons.

We cannot 'make' someone love us.

Yup, it sucks sometimes, when we've come to be 'emotionally invested' in someone, then lose it 😞 .  Been there.. many have.

Relationships come with expectations... communication, respect, energy, etc. And, of course, are we 'able'.. Do we 'feel it'..?

As for you hoping it can 'change in time'... (reality speaking), it won't.

Often, when a couple has broken up, then try again, it so often will fail again ( like it has). And, it does for reasons.. ( eg. Pains from first BU, to why things ended the first time - and not dealt with...etc).

So... is maybe best for YOU to now work on accepting.. Feel your emotions.. let it flow.. work through all of this & be easy on yourself.  Life isn't over.. but we learn to accept things.. heal from it and move on ( though it does take time).

I agree with all of your points and I understand many people have been through this and it’s not that I’m waiting for her to come back it’s more a case of moving forward and if paths cross as we live in the same town go to the same gym coffee shop etc etc.

I do think she has tried and wanted it to work and it hasn’t.

like she says to re introduce back to the kids she has to be 100% sure and she is t I don’t know if these are all things to say to help me move on as she hadn’t been nasty about this but to the thing that got me was she wanted me be happy and have my own family I do feel as if she has somebody because it is the same as when we first split.

Will she miss me also? To the point where she would want to try again as we have never not been in each other’s life’s for the past 4/5 years in a sense even when split we hooked back up after 3/4weeks where she was the one to reach out.

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3 minutes ago, Johnb17 said:

it’s not that I’m waiting for her to come back it’s more a case of moving forward and if paths cross as we live in the same town go to the same gym coffee shop etc etc

If possible, avoid this now, for a while. Do NOT intend to go out of your way to run into her. Don't make things more awkward.

 

At this time, i will say you ARE wanting her to come back, of course (denial), is a form of 'grieving'.  Its normal ( look up stages of grief).

 

5 minutes ago, Johnb17 said:

ike she says to re introduce back to the kids she has to be 100% sure and she is t I don’t know if these are all things to say to help me move on as she hadn’t been nasty about this but to the thing that got me was she wanted me be happy and have my own family I do feel as if she has somebody because it is the same as when we first split.

Re: the kids ( they are hers).  You may not be able to see them again - isn't this what you said she stated at one point?  I have an ex, and he hardly ever saw my older 2 boys ( which were not his).  His basic focus was on the 2 that were his own, only).

She does not need to be 'nasty', just honest.

 

*The same as when you first split*?  meaning what/how?  - Just how you felt with it, or there was maybe someone else?

Whether she has somebody or not.  Is not your concern anymore.  You need to TRY really hard to back off, totally.  No matter what her actions are.

Yes, acceptance takes a while.  So, you have to see it as to expect nothing more.

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