My ex is ruining my current relationship

[whyohhwhy]

Hi guys, I'm just looking for some helpful advice on how to properly recover from a past relationship. 3 years ago I had my first love and he ended up cheating on me and manipulating/hurting me emotionally in so many ways. I have definitely carried some damage from the relationship but I thought I had finally moved on and forgot about him. I've been in a new relationship for a year now and this guy is really trustworthy and supportive.

BUT... my ex recently reached out trying to meet up with me, despite him having a new girlfriend as well. I did not of course, but this interaction brought back the weirdest feelings for me. His girlfriend ended up seeing the messages of him trying to reach out to me and called me asking if he was cheating. I feel like it really shook me up because she is in the exact position I was a couple of years ago and all of a sudden old feelings of hurt and distrust were brought back into my mind. I'm looking at my current boyfriend now and feeling distrust for no apparent reason. I see myself self sabotaging a healthy relationship. This leads me to believe that with my ex, I pushed it all away to the back of my mind in hopes to forget about it. So when he reached out, it all came rushing back. Since I never dealt with it properly, I feel a lot of pain now. 

How do I confront these feelings? Why do you push away the people you love when you feel hurt and alone? How do I properly solve through these thoughts and truly get over my ex? I blocked him by the way so this interaction never happens again. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, whyohhwhy said:

I've been in a new relationship for a year now and this guy is really trustworthy and supportive.

my ex recently reached out

It's unclear why you are communicating with "an abusive" ex when you are in a new relationship.

And why you have not deleted and blocked him.

You are ruining your current relationship, not your "abusive ex".

[whyohhwhy]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you are communicating with "an abusive" ex when you are in a new relationship.

And why you have not deleted and blocked him.

You are ruining your current relationship, not your "abusive ex".

I have him blocked now, it was from a new number. His old number has been blocked since the break up. It was small communication that ended in me telling him to leave me alone and blocking his new number. The reason I posted this is to get some advice on how to properly get over a past relationship, so I can heal all the damage that I clearly have not dealt properly with. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

What if you reframe things, just a bit? At least from the outside, I don't quite see any evidence of your ex "ruining" your relationship. Dude reached out, as exes do, and there was some extraneous drama from his current partner, as also happens. Sucks. Would throw anyone for a moment, as you're thrown. It's okay. 

Good news? You blocked him, so it wouldn't happen again, and are now taking a moment to tend to the feelings that are suddenly stirring. All that? That's you exerting your own power—and, in the process, minimizing his and whatever power you still assign him in your imagination. A very positive step. But still: just a step.  

Have you ever spoken to a therapist, or considered it? It can be really helpful in unpacking some feelings like this—sorting through the loose threads of the past, which we all have, so we can live fully in the present, which we all crave. You may find that helps you curb what's happening now—the sudden shift in perspective on your current partner, doubting his trustworthiness, creating distance, which kind of leads to... 

1 hour ago, whyohhwhy said:

Why do you push away the people you love when you feel hurt and alone?

There's no simple answer here, but my personal sense? This is what we do to find a sense of control and safety when we feel, suddenly, like we've lost control—of the story, of our emotions, of whatever. It creates a sense of power, of protection, of safety—but when the cost is a loss of connection, is it really worth it? 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, whyohhwhy said:

I have him blocked now, it was from a new number. His old number has been blocked since the break up.

Excellent. Focus on your current relationship and leave the past in the past.

[Batya33]

Do you feel enough of a spark with your boyfriend?

[DancingFool]

Can only echo what Blue said.

When an ex reaches out, that will invariably stir up some kind of emotions in everyone, be it good emotions or bad ones. Still, it is completely normal and to be expected. What would be abnormal is if your response was nothing - robotic and unemotional. In that case, I'd be concerned for you.

Getting over your past doesn't mean that you will reach some state where you feel completely emotionless about what happened. That's not how that works. How it actually works is that you have a healthy reaction - told him to get lost, blocked him, and refused to give him any more of your time or power over you. You demonstrated strength and emotional health by refusing to engage with someone who harmed you in the past. 

As for all those stirred up emotions - allow yourself to feel and process without beating yourself up about it or projecting it to your current bf.

If you weren't over it, you'd be talking to your ex right now. If you were emotionally unhealthy, you'd be setting up a coffee meet with him "just to catch up..."

What you are feeling is just normal and a normal process. The further removed that ex becomes with time, the less volatile your emotions will become as well. What I'm saying is that if you ran into him tomorrow, you'll be riled up, but 10 years from now not so much. It still doesn't mean that it won't bring back up bad memories, it just won't feel like a tsunami. 

Basically, don't be so hard on yourself and understand that emotions are normal and they do pass.

[whyohhwhy]

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

What if you reframe things, just a bit? At least from the outside, I don't quite see any evidence of your ex "ruining" your relationship. Dude reached out, as exes do, and there was some extraneous drama from his current partner, as also happens. Sucks. Would throw anyone for a moment, as you're thrown. It's okay. 

Good news? You blocked him, so it wouldn't happen again, and are now taking a moment to tend to the feelings that are suddenly stirring. All that? That's you exerting your own power—and, in the process, minimizing his and whatever power you still assign him in your imagination. A very positive step. But still: just a step.  

Have you ever spoken to a therapist, or considered it? It can be really helpful in unpacking some feelings like this—sorting through the loose threads of the past, which we all have, so we can live fully in the present, which we all crave. You may find that helps you curb what's happening now—the sudden shift in perspective on your current partner, doubting his trustworthiness, creating distance, which kind of leads to... 

There's no simple answer here, but my personal sense? This is what we do to find a sense of control and safety when we feel, suddenly, like we've lost control—of the story, of our emotions, of whatever. It creates a sense of power, of protection, of safety—but when the cost is a loss of connection, is it really worth it? 

 

 

Thank you for the kind words. Got me thinking on reframing my thoughts. A therapist might be a good idea as well. Thanks again. 

[whyohhwhy]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Can only echo what Blue said.

When an ex reaches out, that will invariably stir up some kind of emotions in everyone, be it good emotions or bad ones. Still, it is completely normal and to be expected. What would be abnormal is if your response was nothing - robotic and unemotional. In that case, I'd be concerned for you.

Getting over your past doesn't mean that you will reach some state where you feel completely emotionless about what happened. That's not how that works. How it actually works is that you have a healthy reaction - told him to get lost, blocked him, and refused to give him any more of your time or power over you. You demonstrated strength and emotional health by refusing to engage with someone who harmed you in the past. 

As for all those stirred up emotions - allow yourself to feel and process without beating yourself up about it or projecting it to your current bf.

If you weren't over it, you'd be talking to your ex right now. If you were emotionally unhealthy, you'd be setting up a coffee meet with him "just to catch up..."

What you are feeling is just normal and a normal process. The further removed that ex becomes with time, the less volatile your emotions will become as well. What I'm saying is that if you ran into him tomorrow, you'll be riled up, but 10 years from now not so much. It still doesn't mean that it won't bring back up bad memories, it just won't feel like a tsunami. 

Basically, don't be so hard on yourself and understand that emotions are normal and they do pass.

I really appreciate your reply, thank you. I just worry that if I'm not feeling and processing it all properly, it's going to keep coming back to smack me in the face. How do I process through all this? 

[whyohhwhy]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you feel enough of a spark with your boyfriend?

I think I do... but I have to admit quarantine has really made it difficult. It's become more of a long distance relationship. Hoping to see him soon again. 

[DancingFool]

46 minutes ago, whyohhwhy said:

I really appreciate your reply, thank you. I just worry that if I'm not feeling and processing it all properly, it's going to keep coming back to smack me in the face. How do I process through all this? 

Sounds a bit like you are worrying about worrying. Ease up on yourself.

Is it going to come back up again? Possibly. Is it going to be as bad as this time? Probably not. Like I said, early on, these emotions are likely to hit you like a tsunami. Next time maybe just a big wave. After that....just a small one. It's normal.

As for how to process....I mean you are processing as we speak. There is no right or wrong way and there is no step by step a, b, c, one size fits all approach.

For some people it helps to write it all out - all their pent up anger, emotions and release it all that way.

For some, it helps to talk to a therapist for a bit.

For others, it helps to read some self help books and to understand what happened so they don't fall into that again.

For others it's about forgiving themselves for staying as long as they did. Recognizing that the anger they feel is toward themselves and releasing that through forgiveness to themselves.

For others it can be as simple as "I refuse to be defined by that loser" and the rest is willpower and seeking out better company and taking away lessons learned.

Maybe it would help for you to think about it this way - you lived through something absolutely terrible and here you are - moved on. You have a healthy relationship. You have a good SO. You have your life and your friends. You are strong. You can't control what some jerk does, but you are well in control of your life and what you do about it. You got rid of him and that's the ultimate power. You already know that life goes on and you are fine without him. Most people get stuck in terrible abusive relationships because they believe that they cannot live without their abuser. You KNOW that you can. You are living it. So there is huge power in that that will serve you well for life. Lessons learned.

[Rose Mosse]

On 6/8/2021 at 7:21 AM, whyohhwhy said:

How do I confront these feelings? Why do you push away the people you love when you feel hurt and alone? How do I properly solve through these thoughts and truly get over my ex? I blocked him by the way so this interaction never happens again. 

You already are confronting these feelings. Take it in stride and don't let it overtake all the other good things you have going on. I second the idea that it's natural to feel thrown off. Some ex dude contacts you and his gf asks you if he's cheating? How awkward. I would be laughing all the way to the beach. 

Enjoy your relationship with your bf.