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Shaken to the core


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OP

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I think in your shoes, I would try to be as practical as I could.  The biggest hurdle right now is your health and the suicidal thoughts.  I am not qualified to guide a person through this.  So I think you need to talk to someone about that.  A hotline or a doctor.  

Next try to remember to breathe.  Take deep breaths.  it's going to be ok.  You got into this and you can get out of this.

I would #1- Do not use any of your settlement from your ex husband to put your daughter in a program of some kind.  I would use that money to start your new life- rent, food, gas.  figure out how much money you have or will have to start over.  

#2--  how long do you have at your current house?  talk to your boyfriend about his time table and if he has anything to offer to help you.

I know this is very difficult and you don't want to end things with him.  But for the moment, put those feelings aside.  You need to accept he has told you this is not for him and he does not think that will change.  

But also, you guys put this plan together and if he loves you like he says he still does, you need some help from him getting on your two feet.  It would only be right that he help.  

See what he says about this.  What can he do to help you.

#3- Where can you go? What makes the most sense?

Should you move back to near your ex husband?  You need to go somewhere where you have some support.  Friends, family, your daughter's father.  Where and who offers the most help?

#4- what makes sense for your daughter? Of course she is a part of all the considerations... But what will work for her and you?  

I know you don't want to send your daughter to an assisted living home or anything like that.  But I am going to ask you something and I don't mean it to be as "in your face", as it really is.  What did you figure would happen, if for some reason, you were unable to care for her?

Maybe that plan can be a temporary situation until you get yourself situated permanently.  

#5-- How can you get more money?  What kind of work can you do?  What kind of assistance do you qualify for?  

The answers to these questions will help you craft a plan.  Evaluate what makes the most sense, makes the most of your assets, and is the most beneficial to reaching the next stage-- moving and getting a job.  

Be strong.  This guy made a mistake promising you the world and he can't deliver.  It is hurtful and scary.  Try your best to put those feelings on hold.  You need to be practical and make good decisions.  

I am really sorry.  It's unfortunate you didn't marry him before you moved.  But!  This isn't the end of the world.  Every day, people get left by a breadwinner partner and they figure these things out.  If they can.  You can.  ❤️

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1 hour ago, Lambert said:

The answers to these questions will help you craft a plan.  Evaluate what makes the most sense, makes the most of your assets, and is the most beneficial to reaching the next stage-- moving and getting a job.  

Be strong.  This guy made a mistake promising you the world and he can't deliver.  It is hurtful and scary.  Try your best to put those feelings on hold.  You need to be practical and make good decisions.  

Thank you Lambert. For both your kind words of support and sympathy. Thank you also for the concise and kindly stated advice. 
 

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9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:
18 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Careful of what?

Good question.

When we make an assumption we give advice based on that assumption. If our assumption is wrong then the chances are the advice will not fit the actual situation but the assumed one instead. 

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2 minutes ago, Soulsick said:
9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:
18 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Careful of what?

Good question.

When we make an assumption we give advice based on that assumption. If our assumption is wrong then the chances are the advice will not fit the actual situation but the assumed one instead. 

It's a risk we all take in life. You seem very capable of selecting the advice you seek.

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17 hours ago, Lambert said:

How can you get more money?  What kind of work can you do?  What kind of assistance do you qualify for?  

The answers to these questions will help you craft a plan.  Evaluate what makes the most sense, makes the most of your assets, and is the most beneficial to reaching the next stage-- moving and getting a job.  

I endorse Lambert's post above. 

Getting back to the practicalities of the situation, Soul, are you making progress in discussions with your partner?  Is some kind of plan taking shape?

You do not have to disclose anything you don't wish to disclose. 

And I think Lambert made a valid remark when she said 

17 hours ago, Lambert said:

not qualified to guide a person through this.  So I think you need to talk to someone about that. 

Perhaps if one or all of us were there in person standing beside you it might be different but for now all we have is the background information you gave us.

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16 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Getting back to the practicalities of the situation, Soul, are you making progress in discussions with your partner?  Is some kind of plan taking shape?

We continue to talk but he is at an emotional crossroads. He is torn between walking away from all we have built together as a family and putting in the work to make it better. My life is in limbo. I am fighting for what we once had because I believe we can find our way back to that. He is in torment as much as I.

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Some respite workers will come to your home and give you a day off , some will even stay for several days so you can go away. Is your daughter verbal? Does she text at all?

Does she have family other than her father she could stay with off and on? Trusted friends? My son when he was small and young when staying with grandparents would stay in touch with me through his phone either text or calls. I am his support person and he helps regulate his life through me. 

Is your daughter agreeable to staying with others or have someone stay with her at home ? 

The point is to have some time to be a couple if not spontaneity. 

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1 hour ago, Soulsick said:

We continue to talk but he is at an emotional crossroads. He is torn between walking away from all we have built together as a family and putting in the work to make it better. My life is in limbo. I am fighting for what we once had because I believe we can find our way back to that. He is in torment as much as I.

This is really unfair on his part. It is hard to break up with someone. But! It can also be manipulation his part.

Being in limbo is not a nice place to be and he should have more compassion for what he is doing to you. 

I wonder... if you weren't so dependent on him financially, would you tolerate this treatment. I'll tell you one thing, being on the fence is not a place I would allow him to be on.

Of course youre motivated to do what's needed to keep the relationship going.  But putting the decision all on him to decide if you should stay sounds like it will be hell going forward. 

Creating an environment for you to not only walk on egg shells, but live on egg shells. 

I think regardless of whether you decide to continue to date or do whatever romantically this situation would be called, you need to be independent. Because you can't trust him to not pull the rug out.

Don't forget how stressed you were, the impact this had on your mental, emotional and physical health.

The only solution is to know you have as they say in the business world a "golden parachute".

Don't let fear force you to stay. I would not let this guy control my fate. I would not be demanding because he is in the power seat.

But I'd keep talking about how is he going to help me get on my own two feet.

Continue to work on that plan-- you're leaving. If he changes his mind what does that mean? 

You definitely deserve a plan with him in that case, too. Will you marry? Will you have equity in the home? How can you, even if you stay together start working so you won't be left flat footed AGAIN?

He caused all this, the mistrust, the need for security. Don't let a guy control your destiny again.  that's the lesson here.

Good luck. 

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1 minute ago, Lambert said:

You definitely deserve a plan with him in that case, too. Will you marry? Will you have equity in the home? How can you, even if you stay together, start working so you won't be left flat footed AGAIN?

 

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Being in limbo is not a nice place to be and he should have more compassion for what he is doing to you. 

I agree Lambert.

Soul. You are in a dreadful space at the moment.  However, I also feel he should not be putting you through this. You need a decision, one way or another.

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32 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You need a decision, one way or another.

I keep telling him that exact thing. And he responds that he loves me and is torn between his own fears and hurting me at the same time. 

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45 minutes ago, Soulsick said:

I keep telling him that exact thing. And he responds that he loves me and is torn between his own fears and hurting me at the same time. 

Then I would start making plans as though the relationship is ending. Plan for the worst just in case you need to. Look into care resources for your daughter,  then a part time job for you. Also housing and food assistance to see what you qualify for. That way you won't be completely blindsided in case he says he doesn't want to continue.

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3 hours ago, Soulsick said:

We continue to talk but he is at an emotional crossroads. He is torn between walking away from all we have built together as a family and putting in the work to make it better. My life is in limbo. I am fighting for what we once had because I believe we can find our way back to that. He is in torment as much as I.

I genuinely want to ask, does he feel like he is part of a family atmosphere or does he feel like a spectator in his own home? Neither of you is in a good space, but it really sounds like you two have developed problems communicating around this topic of what to do.

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He doesn’t want to make a decision because it would make him look bad to you . He may love you but doesn’t want to be tied to your daughter 24/7. NO ONE can anticipate what that means until they do it. Some parents don’t want to do it for their own blood let alone someone who isn’t .  Does it make him horrible ? No. 
 

We adore our children so it is a blow to us , a horrible one . The perfect person for you is one that is not dismayed at having to be tied down by your child. It is difficult I understand the rest of my life will most likely be spent making sure my son is ok no matter what I want to do. 
 

You will most likely need to make a decision about this relationship as he doesn’t want to be the “ bad guy.”

Edited by Seraphim
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On 6/8/2021 at 2:10 PM, Soulsick said:

He bought it specifically for my daughter and I to be happy…big house, her own art studio, pool, space outside everything.

Just looking back at your first post OP.

There was no talk at that time of that house being placed in both your names? 

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8 hours ago, Lambert said:

It can also be manipulation his part.

I disagree that he is manipulative or has bad intentions. He has done way too much already.

Perhaps he's human and found out he bit off more than he can chew..

There was not bait and switch, guns to heads, etc. This situation is easy to armchair quarterback, but it seems like complete turmoil..

Edited by Wiseman2
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8 hours ago, Soulsick said:

I keep telling him that exact thing. And he responds that he loves me and is torn between his own fears and hurting me at the same time. 

I would see don't know as no.  Marriage/commitment is hard enough even when both want it 100% and are enthusiastic.  I'm sorry you are in this limbo but for your own sake just tell him you need him to be all in or.... forget it.  I'm sorry.

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10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would see don't know as no.  

Agree. He is in an untenable situation of putting her and her daughter out on the street (because she doesn't work) or forgoing his own happiness living in this misery.

It's hard to imagine he pictured growing old with someone but then after 2 years there's no resolution about her and her daughter's situation. 

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15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I disagree that he is manipulative or has bad intentions. He has done way too much already.

Perhaps he's human and found out he bit off more than he can chew..

There was not bait and switch, guns to heads, etc. This situation is easy to armchair quarterback, but it seems like complete turmoil..

Thank you Wise. This is probably the most accurate summation and you are correct in you say about him. Complete turmoil is an absolutely perfect description.

 

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