Shaken to the core

[Usa1ah]

If you boyfriend does kick you out, I would take with a lawyer to see if you have any recourse against him. He is the one that made the commitment to support you and your daughter. I am not saying for you to get him to support your daughter. You gave up spousal support and most of your belongings in the divorce because of your boyfriend. At least talk with a lawyer on what you might be able to do. 

[maritalbliss86]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I think you must force yourself to examine the dynamic between you and your daughter. This is for both or your sakes. Your level of responsibility is bordering on destructive. Actually, I think that is putting it lightly, for a couple of reasons. To be honest, it is destructive.

Your daughter has not learned the skills she needs to become more independent, and is unprepared to fend for herself at this point. You have no job and no way to support yourself. Both of these situations have developed because you are managing her every need. In addition, your relationship with a man that you love has disintegrated. 

There are opportunities for your daughter to learn independence via trained professionals. And there are opportunities for you to become employed and support yourself (and her). But neither is possible if you continue to cling to such a high level of responsibility. It's also not possible to have an intimate relationship with another adult when you are so fully committed to somebody else. 

I think you should read about codependence. Your relationship with your daughter is damaging her chance to be independent. It's damaging your ability to be independent. It very likely did at least some damage to your marriage. And it's certainly damaged your current relationship--perhaps destroyed it.

Wow, this entire post was so perfect.  Agree with all the above.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Usa1ah said:

If you boyfriend does kick you out, I would take with a lawyer to see if you have any recourse against him. He is the one that made the commitment to support you and your daughter. I am not saying for you to get him to support your daughter. You gave up spousal support and most of your belongings in the divorce because of your boyfriend. At least talk with a lawyer on what you might be able to do. 

Given her emotional state and her practical situation I would not advise this because this man is not the child's father or married to the mother.  She didn't say they had a written contract either.  It would probably create more stress and it doesn't sound like she has the $ to hire a lawyer.

[LaHermes]

On 6/8/2021 at 3:01 PM, Soulsick said:

He is still unable to verbalize exactly where he feels the problem is. He admits that my daughter is part of it but that he still loves me deeply. The options…neither of us has a solution and that is the scariest part of all. 
 

I hope the OP returns.  It's a scary time for her and panicky decisions are the last thing she needs.

Another option is "Home Care" whereby the young person does not have to go into a care home. Something like this (just an example):

https://www.caremark.ie/autism-how-a-home-care-service-can-help-you-and-your-child/

 

[Soulsick]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

think you must force yourself to examine the dynamic between you and your daughter. This is for both or your sakes. Your level of responsibility is bordering on destructive. Actually, I think that is putting it lightly, for a couple of reasons. To be honest, it is destructive.

Your daughter has not learned the skills she needs to become more independent, and is unprepared to fend for herself at this point. You have no job and no way to support yourself. Both of these situations have developed because you are managing her every need. In addition, your relationship with a man that you love has disintegrated. 

There are opportunities for your daughter to learn independence via trained professionals. And there are opportunities for you to become employed and support yourself (and her). But neither is possible if you continue to cling to such a high level of responsibility. It's also not possible to have an intimate relationship with another adult when you are so fully committed to somebody else. 

I think you should read about codependence. Your relationship with your daughter is damaging her chance to be independent. It's damaging your ability to be independent. It very likely did at least some damage to your marriage. And it's certainly damaged your current relationship--perhaps destroyed it.

Jibralta - while there is some in your post that I will accede to, there is much I do not. You have no clue as to what my daughter can or cannot do. You assume she has not learned the skills she needs without asking me about her skill levels. She has the mind of a small child and yet I have managed to teach her life skills such as doing laundry, washing dishes, helping prepare dinner. There are some things, according to the professionals, that she will likely never master. She needs continuous supervision to keep her from harm because she has no concept of danger, especially from others. 

I am fully cognizant of the fact that we are codependent. What mother is not codependent of her children? The difference is that with typically developing children that codependency changes over time and becomes less demanding and more give and take. My being her caregiver and mother is only a piece of the relationship woes I am dealing with. As to my former marriage I will not comment on that here other than to say it had very little if anything to do with our daughter.

‘While I appreciate your belief in your statements, you should be careful with making assumptions about what I have or haven’t done to deal with my own issues in all of this. 

[boltnrun]

What plan do you have to support yourself and your daughter if this relationship doesn't work out?

[LaHermes]

37 minutes ago, Soulsick said:

yet I have managed to teach her life skills such as doing laundry, washing dishes, helping prepare dinner. There are some things, according to the professionals, that she will likely never master. She needs continuous supervision to keep her from harm because she has no concept of danger, especially from others. 

So, Soul, how are things going at the moment?  Any progress with discussions towards finding a solution?

Just to remark that co-dependent is not the same as being interdependent.  Co-dependency is a complicated and complex issue. 

IMO, Soul (just saying) I think the posters here, me included, are doing our best to help based on the information we have from you. 

I know you are under stress.  Do take care of yourself.  Just saw your reply.

And this:

"Right now breathing requires incredible effort. Typing even more so. Eating is not possible. "

You see when we only have the written word on the screen in front of us and the information provided it can be less than easy to sometimes know what to say.  Context is everything. Isn't it always!

We do try to help based on what you asked in first post. 

"Please help. Guide. Advise. How do I help him see the value of what we have/had?"

[Soulsick]

4 hours ago, LaHermes said:

hope the OP returns.  It's a scary time for her and panicky decisions are the last thing she needs.

I return and read comments when I can. Right now it is hard to read some of the things people assume about what/why/how I got to this place in my life. Right now breathing requires incredible effort. Typing even more so. Eating is not possible. 

While I recognize that my daughter is a large part of the issue and that there have been some very valid and helpful suggestions, she is not the only issue at hand. My partner and I continue to talk. He states that he is still in love with me. Still considers me to be his best friend, believed in what we have built together and wanted that too… up until he found himself not happy anymore. Recently. He cannot explain what is making him unhappy. He says it’s nothing I have done. He doesn’t understand why he isn’t happy. He fears that if we move past this it will just happen again a few years down the road. 

thank you for the link. I will look at it when I am in a better frame of mind.

[Soulsick]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What plan do you have to support yourself and your daughter if this relationship doesn't work out?

I did not have a plan because I went into this relationship with the belief that we were building a life together. Planning an escape route never entered my mind. Naive perhaps but that is my honest answer.

[Seraphim]

I would try and understand that not everyone knows the ins and outs of autism or any neurodiversity. Some of the people who have answered you are also neurodiverse themselves. 
 

When my son was small I had never even  heard the word autism let alone know what it is about . Most professionals don’t even know what it’s about. So I would try not berating  people because they don’t understand your situation. Educating makes people far more receptive. Neurodiverse people have enough troubles being understood by the greater world and if we don’t explain with the intent to teach people won’t care . We want people to care . 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I would try not berating  people because they don’t understand your situation. 

Exactly. 

[melancholy123]

On 6/8/2021 at 10:01 AM, Soulsick said:

 

Have you considered a relationship counsellor to help sort this out?

[LaHermes]

On 6/8/2021 at 2:10 PM, Soulsick said:

I can’t eat. My blood pressure is sky high. The level of anxiety over this is immense, I am shaking non-stop. And I can’t stop crying.

In a moment of crisis like this people generally are in no frame of mind to "educate" anyone, or even think straight, and rubbing salt into the wound, well, it isn't unusual for the person to take umbrage even where there was no ill-intention (or at least I hope not).

 

 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

In a moment of crisis like this people generally are in no frame of mind to "educate" anyone, or even think straight, and rubbing salt into the wound, well, it isn't unusual for the person to take umbrage even where there was no ill-intention (or at least I hope not).

 

 

Of course there wasn’t . Most people on here don’t come on here with the intent to pee around with people especially those of us who have been here years and years. 
 

However, if she is in complete crisis mode she needs to see her doctor and a therapist. Sky high blood pressure and not eating in crisis mode. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

if she is in complete crisis mode she needs to see her doctor and a therapist. Sky high blood pressure and not eating in crisis mode. 

Agree. 

[boltnrun]

42 minutes ago, Soulsick said:

I did not have a plan because I went into this relationship with the belief that we were building a life together. Planning an escape route never entered my mind. Naive perhaps but that is my honest answer.

I find that when I am overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, it helps to start planning. I am a list maker, so I grab a pen and notebook (old-school) and write down what I need to accomplish. Then I write down ideas of how to make those things happen. For example, in your case you need to find out if you're going to need alternative housing and if your daughter (and you) can benefit from outside assistance of some sort. Then how can you go about making that happen?

My mother taught me to be prepared to support myself because in life there are no guarantees. A husband can pass away, health issues can come up, etc. So I have always worked, even when the kids were young. So maybe another part time job can be explored if you can get assistance with your daughter.

I didn't see if you have any other children. Do you? How about family members?

[LaHermes]

22 hours ago, Soulsick said:

Then I called my doctor who referred me to a therapist. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

Then I called my doctor who referred me to a therapist. 

Well if it's affecting you this much, take a break, lol.

[LaHermes]

And this is a good suggestion Bolt:

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So maybe another part time job can be explored if you can get assistance with your daughter.

 

[DancingFool]

29 minutes ago, Soulsick said:

I return and read comments when I can. Right now it is hard to read some of the things people assume about what/why/how I got to this place in my life. Right now breathing requires incredible effort. Typing even more so. Eating is not possible. 

While I recognize that my daughter is a large part of the issue and that there have been some very valid and helpful suggestions, she is not the only issue at hand. My partner and I continue to talk. He states that he is still in love with me. Still considers me to be his best friend, believed in what we have built together and wanted that too… up until he found himself not happy anymore. Recently. He cannot explain what is making him unhappy. He says it’s nothing I have done. He doesn’t understand why he isn’t happy. He fears that if we move past this it will just happen again a few years down the road. 

thank you for the link. I will look at it when I am in a better frame of mind.

OP he knows perfectly well what he is unhappy about. It's just that saying it out loud would make him look like a selfish jerk even though he is not. In fact he already told you what he is unhappy about - he wants to be free to travel, be spontaneous, live life and do things.

Assuming you two are of a similar age, I doubt his vision of retirement involves being tied to a house and caring for your daughter 24/7 no matter how nice the house is. 

There is a big difference between talking about things and living with the reality of 24/7 caregiving. He probably also made some assumptions that you will manage things differently or seek solutions for caregiving that would free you more.

Unfortunately, you have been categorically closed off to anything such and he cannot ask you or say anything to you about that because if he does, and you put your daughter in a home purely to save the relationship, you will grow to resent him for it. It's a decision that has to come independently from you and only you. He cannot say a thing to you about it.

I asked you a serious question earlier - what will happen to your daughter when you are no longer able to support her and you haven't taken steps to set her up to live without you? No matter how much you don't like this - every single parent's ultimate job is to ensure that their children can live without them. Your situation is more challenging, but still.....the same end result. You have to do it for her and ultimately for yourself as well, regardless of how this relationship shakes out.

On that note, I do believe that he does love you, but that he is also unhappy and doesn't see a way forward with you and can't tell you directly what's all on his mind for reasons above. Can you resolve that? Possibly, but you'll need to take the helm on that and be willing to make some drastic changes.

[LaHermes]

Wiseman, I was quoting the OP, and well you know it!!  No need to be so rude. Take a break yourself!

"Then I called my doctor who referred me to a therapist. "  Soulsick 22 hours ago. 

[LaHermes]

8 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

but you'll need to take the helm on that and be willing to make some drastic changes.

On that I agree DF.  And as you say the OP's situation is very challenging.  

And this too is true:

"It's a decision that has to come independently from you and only you. He cannot say a thing to you about it."

The OP mentioned at one point that she has known this man ten years,plus the two years living in the new place.  That's quite a long time.

That is ideally how things should be Bolt. I agree. As in your case my parents always insisted on exactly what you describe.  No one can tell the future, and it is best to be as well prepared as possible. 

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My mother taught me to be prepared to support myself because in life there are no guarantees. A husband can pass away, health issues can come up, etc. So I have always worked,

 

[DancingFool]

4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

The OP mentioned at one point that she has known this man ten years,plus the two years living in the new place.  That's quite a long time.

Sure, but back then she was still living with her husband and she had a part time job and presumably had some relief in there set up, including time to date. My impression is that her life might have looked a bit different then.

Moving far away from whatever support system there was even if it was just her ex and living for 2 years with 24/7 caregiving is a whole different ballgame. An eye opening one for sure.

On that note, he is freaking out right when her divorce is about to be finalized. I wonder if that's another fear of his - now that she is free to marry, that she'll start wanting that from him and he is not into that. 

It's one of those things that the OP doesn't want to contemplate. Basically that a man who is willing to get involved with a married woman, even if all above board in terms of open marriage, still has attachment issues. He was happy because in a way she was never fully available and perhaps he felt safe in that. Now that she is about to be fully available...he is freaking out and backing away. If that's the case, she'd be wise to cool it with the talks and distance a bit. The more she pushes him, the more he'll back away.

[LaHermes]

I do see your point DF. But nonetheless he did decide to build a house for the three of them a long way away (the OP mentions that she left behind family and friends). 

It's a most unfortunate situation  and one can only hope a sensible and non-panicked resolution can be reached.

The OP did say early on:

"The day of signing on the house, I specifically reminded him of the challenges of my daughter and told him that I wouldn’t be upset, or blame him if he didn’t want to go through with it. That I had to know that he would commit to the long haul because I was a package deal and it would be challenging. He took time to think about it and said yes, he wanted to do this. "

So, who know what is going through his mind.He sure was aware that she was getting divorced.  

 

I just think IMHO that he didn't realise he was biting off more than he could chew. 

I know the OP remarked at one point that her partner has a son, in whose upbringing he had no part.  For whatever reason. 

Thing is, we are all fallible (being human) and I could sit here all night and relate stories about situations not unlike the OP's.

But then, I haven't been here "for years and years". So maybe I don't qualify in the realms of ENA "wisdom". LOL. 

I certainly was here when the great MHowe was around.  She'd have put this whole situation in a nutshell. L. 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, Soulsick said:

You assume she has not learned the skills she needs without asking me about her skill levels.

I went by what you posted:

On 6/8/2021 at 9:10 AM, Soulsick said:

She cannot work, has some independent skills but is very much dependent on me for daily living, socialization, entertainment, everything.

Why else would you give up your life to take care of her?

On 6/8/2021 at 9:10 AM, Soulsick said:

I have given up my life to take care of her.

Why else would you be unable to work?

On 6/8/2021 at 9:10 AM, Soulsick said:

I would in effect be homeless with my adult daughter with no means of support.

On 6/8/2021 at 9:10 AM, Soulsick said:

I had no way of financially supporting myself and my daughter without him.

It's true that I am assuming you're not using her as an excuse not to work. I don't believe you are. But I think that's to your favor.

I don't understand this logic, though:

On 6/8/2021 at 10:07 AM, Soulsick said:

If I move out and have zero income it would increase but then I would be on welfare. 

You can get a job. If others are helping to provide care for your daughter, you will have extra time. It's not welfare or nothing.

3 hours ago, Soulsick said:

I am fully cognizant of the fact that we are codependent. What mother is not codependent of her children?

I'm not convinced. If you think all mothers are codependent, then you have the term confused with something else. Perhaps you are thinking of interdependence, as LaHermes suggested.

3 hours ago, Soulsick said:

She needs continuous supervision to keep her from harm because she has no concept of danger, especially from others. 

That's exactly why you should be sharing this responsibility with professionals. What will she do when you die? Doing laundry, washing dishes, and helping to prepare dinner are not survival skills. They aren't resources that she can turn to or work with to get support.

3 hours ago, Soulsick said:

you should be careful with making assumptions

Careful of what?