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4 hours ago, Soulsick said:

She doesn’t want to accept him in her life and fights tooth and nail against him because he is not her father. She is mostly happy here and has adjusted. She still sees her father multiple times a year. 

Two years after moving my divorce is weeks away from being finalized and I will be giving up my right to the marital home (for a buyout) and my partner dropped a bombshell on me. He isn’t happy. He doesn’t like the restrictions of living with a special needs person.

Sadly, yes.. this has been hard from both sides 😕 .

He knew NOTHING of what it was like in 'reality'.. only saw YOU in this ( no experience with someone with autism).

And she cannot adjust comfortably, being uprooted like that.

4 hours ago, Soulsick said:

What do I do? How do I get him to fight for what we had/have? How do I get him to see that relationships are hard work and you have to want it? How do I get him to see that “we” are worth it and that growing old together is worth it?

Wow 😕 .. I am so sorry you are so overwhelmed!

BUT, you need to slow this all down... Can you get something for your anxiety?  I know you are extremely stressed with the outcome.. but, things can turn out okay ( for you & her).

Sadly, you cannot 'make him see' anything..  he admitted he cannot guarantee anything re: long term - is just not him? ( he doesn't have what it takes to make this work for you two).

 

Can you possibly, with the monies you will get, just find a place to rent (closer to her father)?  Is it necessary to actually buy? - She also gets disability yes?

Try your best to slow it all down.. self care.. deep breathes ❤️ .. I know the stress.. you are so overwhelmed now.. BUT, you can do it.

 

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2 hours ago, Soulsick said:

I have asked him and his partner who I have a good relationship with, to take his daughter for an extended time so that I can have a mental health break and she can spend time with him. His partner is willing. His response boiled down to… it’s inconvenient for him, even though he is out of work for the next several months. 

So, her father doesn't want to have her.  Not much more to be said on that point IMO.

Just as well your/his daughter doesn't know this, hopefully. 

My hope is that you and your current partner can work something out.   A bit of level-headed thinking won't go amiss. 

No need for extremes IMO at this point. You have stated OP that you do not wish to put your daughter in a home. I understand. But I would therefore seriously consider a day-care centre where she can go for a few hours a day.  In other words, respite care. It is called respite for a reason. You need, as you have stated, some let up and a little time for yourself.

I truly hope it can be reasonably solved. 

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Soulsick said:

Sadly she gets very little from the government. Why? Because I take care of he

Is she receiving disability?

Were you receiving benefits/tax breaks for being her care provider? Are you her legal guardian?

She visits her father? Then she can stay for an extended time since his partner is fine with it. It's not a question.

He is equally responsible even if she is an adult, if she needs legal guardianship. It's not as if it's oh well he can't be bothered.

You may lose whatever benefits she receives and they will go to whoever her current caretakers are.

You need to go to social services on her behalf and procure food stamps, mental and medical health care, etc.

Most of all her doctors and advocates, social workers etc. should be involved not this BF.

Are they all back where she used to lived? Have you arranged local care in the form of doctors social workers etc.? 

Your BF should not be looking at places to put her in. You need to consult with doctors and social workers regarding what is in her best interests as well as what she is eligible for.

Your BF is not a neurologist or social services agency, nor her father nor her guardian. Keep him out of it.

What do her doctors suggest you do? Your BF should not be involved in her care or especially in financing her care or supporting you.

Revise your divorce settlement if you believe you made a raw deal, although you claim he's paying you for your half of the assets, which is rather standard. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)
29 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I have asked him and his partner who I have a good relationship with, to take his daughter for an extended time so that I can have a mental health break and she can spend time with him. His partner is willing. His response boiled down to… it’s inconvenient for him, even though he is out of work for the next several months. 

What part of this does no one seem to understand LOL.  The girl's father doesn't want her!!

And where does OP say her current partner is looking for a place for OP's daughter?! The letter "I" is generally first person singular.

"I have looked into this. There is a place close by where we live. For me the issue is cost. Insurance only pays for some. I won’t ask my partner to pay for her care. I will use the money from my settlement to do a trial run for her"

Edited by LaHermes
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5 hours ago, Soulsick said:

He bought a house 1500 miles away from where we were at the time. He bought it specifically for my daughter and I to be happy…big house, her own art studio, pool, space outside everything. The day of signing on the house, I specifically reminded him of the challenges of my daughter and told him that I wouldn’t be upset, or blame him if he didn’t want to go through with it.

I trust, OP, that despite the current difficulties your partner will find a way (even if your relationship were to come to an end) to allow you to remain in this house in some capacity.

As I have said, discussion, and yet more discussion (the calm, objective kind). is needed here.  And a  solution found. 

 

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1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

Well I don't think you both knew what you were getting yourselves in to and that's okay. Sometimes you take a leap of faith and it works out or it doesn't.

I think this comment ^ sums it all up.

This is a huge life decision gone wrong, and you are in a real bind of your next steps.  You are also going through immense shock of your life being turned upside down.  The decision is so large, I would like to emphasize professional therapy to get through this.  There are too many loved ones involved, and the fact you mentioned considering suicide speaks volumes.
Please do seek therapy.

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Your daughter hates him and hates being relocated (understandably). So why is your Bf this involved?

Her father should be and her doctors, social workers, etc.

A cross country relocation is difficult for anyone, but you inflicted this on your  neurosensitive daughter (who typically do not do well with frivolous changes) to follow your romantic dreams.

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Soulsick said:

She is mostly happy here and has adjusted. She still sees her father multiple times a year. 

Does this mean, OP, that she actually travels and stays with her father on those occasions. Yet now he is not prepared to have his own daughter stay with him (and his new partner) for a while. 

Just a reminder from OP's early posts:

"i was in an open marriage at the request of my husband at the time. I never cheated. It was the open marriage that ruined my marriage, "

"

Edited by LaHermes
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3 hours ago, Betterwithout said:

This is a huge life decision gone wrong, and you are in a real bind of your next steps.  You are also going through immense shock of your life being turned upside down.  The decision is so large, I would like to emphasize professional therapy to get through this.  There are too many loved ones involved, and the fact you mentioned considering suicide speaks volumes.
Please do seek therapy.

Thank you Betterwithout… I have as you will see when you read my response to Batya. I did contemplate that. It was brief and is in the past, but yes I did. Then I called my doctor who referred me to a therapist. 

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On 6/8/2021 at 2:39 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Your daughter hates him and hates being relocated (understandably). So why is your Bf this involved?

Her father should be and her doctors, social workers, etc.

A cross country relocation is difficult for anyone, but you inflicted this on your  neurosensitive daughter (who typically do not do well with frivolous changes) to follow your romantic dreams.

Hmmm another judgemental response. Well Wiseman you are quite simply wrong. She doesn’t hate him. She fights against his involvement in her daily life. She does not like that I am with him and not her father. And I never said that my partner was involved in the way you are implying. Her father, her doctors etc are involved. I did not inflict anything on her, she was involved in the decision and had input into the kind of house we bought. She is not neurosensitive as you again implied. She has very minor SID (sensory integration dysfunction). Her issues are too many and complicated to try to explain to someone that doesn’t walk in my shoes. 

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3 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Does this mean, OP, that she actually travels and stays with her father on those occasions. Yet now he is not prepared to have his own daughter stay with him (and his new partner) for a while. 

LaHermes - thank you for your multiple posts of advice and suggestions. I will go back through them and take notes on some of your suggestions.
 

Four times a year I fly her to her fathers state and she stays for two weeks +/- then he flies her back to my state. She cannot travel unattended. Her father is taking her next week for 10 days. When I found out yesterday that he will complete his work contract before the end of June, I asked that he extend her time so that I could take a mental health break and work on my relationship with my partner. He declined. 

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3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

This is a second for maybe checking out respite care. 

Thank you Seraphim. I am beginning the process for a day program type setting to see if that helps. 

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4 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Wow 😕 .. I am so sorry you are so overwhelmed!

Thank you SooSad. I am reading all the posts and taking from each what I find helpful. I appreciate your responses

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Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, Soulsick said:

‘’I have received much excellent advice and equally kind support and I thank most of you for that. I could easily live without the judgmental, self important yammerings of some but appreciate the kind and open minded advice of others.

 

30 minutes ago, Soulsick said:

I was very surprised at the attacks that came in response to my post looking for advice. If you are here to tear people down, I strongly suggest you find another place to bully and make others feel bad about their life choices. Maybe being a good listener and an author of kind words would better suit you. 

 

Good for you OP for talking out and standing up for yourself. My tactic is to place the self-important yammerers and bullies on my ignore list. 

I gathered this from your earlier posts:

"Her father, her doctors etc are involved. I did not inflict anything on her, she was involved in the decision and had input into the kind of house we bought."

Could I also say to you that you don't have to defend yourself against anyone, here or elsewhere.

How perfect are people's lives, I ask, that they are so given to casting that first stone.

 

 

Edited by LaHermes
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If you read what I wrote I apologized. No need to accept but I did. I missed the part where you said you had an open marriage.  You said you couldn’t leave your husband for financial reasons.  I read that.  I would have seen “open marriage “ so I’m surprised to learn this.  Certainly if the two of you were ok with each other having sex with others then of course it’s not cheating. some couples agree to this.  I apologize if I didn’t see that part of your post.  
I did write in my original post he should have given you more notice. I thought that was supportive.   I found your opinions of him kind of judgmental as you assume he doesn’t know anything about raising a child.  If you really felt that way why did you decide in the first place to have an arrangement like this ? Did he lie to you about his experiences raising his son or being a father ?

it sounds like he got cold feet and acted like a jerk about it seeing that you turned your life upside down relying on him   I’m sorry to hear that   I don’t think you should t him in anything to do with your daughter whether financially or emotionally   I’m sorry you’re struggling and I good things get better   


 

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1 hour ago, Soulsick said:

Thank you Seraphim. I am beginning the process for a day program type setting to see if that helps. 

It might be something she enjoys especially if they can cater to things she is interested in. I don’t know what supports your daughter needs because everyone is so different. My son really enjoyed his card games with his friends before Covid. He does need a lot of support but we can leave him for the day or a few days if we leave him with everything he needs 

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11 hours ago, Soulsick said:

How do I help him see the value of what we have/had?
 

You can't.  This is not something you negotiate.  He either sees it or he doesn't.  The fact that he says he is not cut out for long-term relationships strongly suggests he is laying the groundwork for parting ways with you at some point in the near future, regardless of whether your daughter is with you or not.  You need to be prepared for this likelihood.  Apologies if I missed this but are you employed, or are you reliant on him for your entire financial support?

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2 minutes ago, waffle said:

Apologies if I missed this but are you employed, or are you reliant on him for your entire financial support?

I am not employed. Her care is 24/7. When I was up north I worked part time. 

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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, Soulsick said:

I am not employed. Her care is 24/7. When I was up north I worked part time. 

I think you must force yourself to examine the dynamic between you and your daughter. This is for both or your sakes. Your level of responsibility is bordering on destructive. Actually, I think that is putting it lightly, for a couple of reasons. To be honest, it is destructive.

Your daughter has not learned the skills she needs to become more independent, and is unprepared to fend for herself at this point. You have no job and no way to support yourself. Both of these situations have developed because you are managing her every need. In addition, your relationship with a man that you love has disintegrated. 

There are opportunities for your daughter to learn independence via trained professionals. And there are opportunities for you to become employed and support yourself (and her). But neither is possible if you continue to cling to such a high level of responsibility. It's also not possible to have an intimate relationship with another adult when you are so fully committed to somebody else. 

I think you should read about codependence. Your relationship with your daughter is damaging her chance to be independent. It's damaging your ability to be independent. It very likely did at least some damage to your marriage. And it's certainly damaged your current relationship--perhaps destroyed it.

Edited by Jibralta
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Soul.  Your situation is difficult but not irredeemable. 

Please look at some of the points raised in Jibralta's level-headed and kindly phrased post above.

5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

There are opportunities for your daughter to learn independence via trained professionals.

As I mentioned in some of my previous posts there are centres (day) which would provide much support to your daughter and give you considerable respite so that perhaps your current relationship can be mended.  I am mindful, however, that you did remark at one point that your current partner told you he did not want (any more) a long-term relationship.

I hope your discussions with him are proving helpful.  

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14 hours ago, Soulsick said:

I asked that he extend her time so that I could take a mental health break and work on my relationship with my partner. He declined. 

True, he needs to see her for her sake, not yours.

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14 hours ago, Soulsick said:

When I found out yesterday that he will complete his work contract before the end of June, I asked that he extend her time so that I could take a mental health break and work on my relationship with my partner. He declined. 

So I would take a different tack because I'm not sure why the father should be motivated to sacrifice his time for the benefit of your relationship with your partner -which he might sense also wouldn't benefit his daughter since the partner doesn't seem so into it.  I'd try again and explain that you need to figure out a plan going forward for your daughter and yourself -meaning a financial plan for yourself -how you are going to support yourself plus services for daughter so you can then interview for jobs.  Keep it practical level so he sees the financial benefit to him (you working = less reliant on him overall particularly if you get family health benefits).  And follow through on it.  Feeling independent -including financially -is an awesome feeling and will help you in this current relationship or in picking appropriate people in the future.  

I agree with the poster who wrote that your current partner seems to have checked out generally and will come up with some other excuse other than your daughter's care even if you found her a suitable day program.  

Good luck to you and your family.

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