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What Do I Make of This?


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GF and I been dating 2.5 years. We both work in airline industry. We both moved from where we grew up and got a place together with a cat. 2020 was a crazy year for all, but we honestly had the greatest time. Living together, I do not think our love could be stronger. 

Fast-fwd to Dec, she got a great job offer she could not pass up. It was tough for me to agree to, knowing she would be living apart from me until I could get to the same place, but we agreed we'd make it work. We've been dating long-distance about 6months now, and although it isn't easy seeing eachother a few days a month max, things have been decent... until...

May was a bad month for her. Her work has caused her A LOT of stress as she vented to me about it often. Also, she missed her period so we were quite worried for awhile she was pregnant (we now know she isn't?). Her mom was coming to visit (her mom verbally abused her as a kid and they are still trying to repair that one with all that toxic upbringing)... and then on-top of ALL of that, her and her roommate/friend, got into a huge fight and are no longer speaking nor friends. Big-time stress for her in May, I was likely her lone shining star so to speak.

Last week, she flew in and we drove to her step-sisters wedding she was in. She was not fond about it as she doesn't really care for her family much, nor does she really fit in with the girls in the wedding (big time drinkers, smoke etc). I was her date, and I could tell by the time the reception came, she was completely over the long, arduous day. We both were exhausted and drank a good amount.

She was due to fly out at 1030am to go back to her place of residence, but then told me that night she wanted to take a 0650am flight. I got mad, because one I could not drive then as I had a lot to drink, and two it just seemed she wanted to run off back to far away, and I don't get to see her much. The exchange wasn't very long or honestly very heated, but she broke down and started balling. Realizing I strike a nerve or this was the last straw prior to a total breakdown, I stopped arguing, I agreed to get some rest and we went to sleep. She did not end up leaving at 0650am and although stressful with some delays, got home ok. But when I dropped her off at the airport, she gave me this very very long not wanting to let go hug. It felt.... odd. Almost like goodbye.

The next day, after some simple exchanges, she basically just laid it out on me, told me "After our argument, I lost all feelings for you, they just went away, I felt numb, nothing." She broke up with me. I was floored, shocked, did not see this coming. Some exchanges to no avail, she ended it. I was/am crushed. This went completely against how she was acting towards me prior to this. It came as a complete shock, we had not had a single argument since prior to her leaving 7 months before. Things seemed great, she acted very much full of love.

Like anyone, I kept my distance for a few days. Noticing my silence I am sure, she reached out and said "I hope you're doing ok and don't think I have just forgotten all about you." I took the high-road, did not engage in any sort of relationship talk, just deciding to table it for a bit and give some space.

We talk a tiny bit here and there daily. She started texting me about her chiropractor results, her work day, sent me a snap selfie. It was not the old actions I was used to, but there has been contact. I have our cat, and I've sent her a few pictures of him and I, which she screenshots and seems to really like. 

It's been a week and I have yet to broach the subject again. I want to fix things, I want to be together again, but I am scared to make a move now. I have contemplated flying out to see her with our cat as a surprise this weekend, but have not decided yet if that's a bad idea or not.

I cannot truly believe her feelings are gone. What do I make of her reaching out? Is this her way of saying she misses me and i am on her mind, or am I simply convenience so she isn;t lonely, or maybe she feels bad?

Sorry for the duration, it feels better to type all this out. I have been putting on a brave face for a week, it's tough. 

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She's not adjusting well to the move and her new position and can't seem to get along with her roomies. Please don't take on the parental role and travel there to console her or fix her problems. You are perpetually holding out a napkin for her. She has to learn to grow up and take responsibility for her actions and survive on her own. If she wants to end the relationship, it means it ends there and then and you stop supporting her and keep the napkin in your pocket.

No, don't see her unannounced. That is a recipe for disaster. Take a time out, reconsider whether this relationship is as balanced as you would have liked and whether your needs and cares have taken a backseat. 

You may have been operating on guilt for too long (because you were supposed to relocate with her). She chose to move so please stop feeling guilty about it. Also she could have asked about a relocation package for herself and her partner. Overall, it's likely a good thing this ended. She seems strung out and unable to handle herself. Slow down and re-evaluate. Don't make any impulsive decisions when you're upset and in shock. Take a moment to think about what's best for yourself.

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3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She's not adjusting well to the move and her new position and can't seem to get along with her roomies. Please don't take on the parental role and travel there to console her or fix her problems. You are perpetually holding out a napkin for her. She has to learn to grow up and take responsibility for her actions and survive on her own. If she wants to end the relationship, it means it ends there and then and you stop supporting her and keep the napkin in your pocket.

No, don't see her unannounced. That is a recipe for disaster. Take a time out, reconsider whether this relationship is as balanced as you would have liked and whether your needs and cares have taken a backseat. 

You may have been operating on guilt for too long (because you were supposed to relocate with her). She chose to move so please stop feeling guilty about it. Also she could have asked about a relocation package for herself and her partner. Overall, it's likely a good thing this ended. She seems strung out and unable to handle herself. Slow down and re-evaluate. Don't make any impulsive decisions when you're upset and in shock. Take a moment to think about what's best for yourself.

Thank you for your response.

She is one who likes to push or run away. We went through this once before about 4 months in. If she wants it to end it clearly will as it takes two. I know I do not want it to end though, so it's tough just doing nothing and not fighting for what I want too. I am not sure what to make of the sudden break up, but then texts a few days a later. Can't tell if she feels bad, or thinks she made a mistake, or rather I am convenient for attention.

I didn't go into detail, but the plan was for me to relocate there too. We work for the same company and same job. We thought for sure I was going to get to go there too, but I was respectfully denied solely based on our relationship there. So the plan was to move somewhere with far more of our job now, and she can join in 6 months or so. I got a job at that kind of very place and she was so excited and talking about moving there too in 6 months etc. All these love poems and everything just in the few weeks leading up to it all crashing down. 

I cannot believe she just lost feelings for me in that instance. It feels more like she was on the verge of a breakdown, and I got "punished" for lack of a better word.

It sounds easy to just cut bait and let it go, but I am in love with this person. 

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47 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I have contemplated flying out to see her with our cat as a surprise this weekend, but have not decided yet if that's a bad idea or not.

Sorry this happened. Step back and reflect on what is going on.

Don't fly there. It seems like she is seeing someone locally.

Distance relationships are very difficult, no matter what promises were made.

She has friendzoned you because she's still confused between her local life and whatever is going on.

The prelude to all this was all this stress she was talking about.

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40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Step back and reflect on what is going on.

Don't fly there. It seems like she is seeing someone locally.

Distance relationships are very difficult, no matter what promises were made.

She has friendzoned you because she's still confused between her local life and whatever is going on.

The prelude to all this was all this stress she was talking about.

Why do you think she's seeing someone? As odd as it sounds, I do not think that's the case. I say that with a history of jealousy and paranoia in my past where I'd consume myself with the the lack of trust. So for me to think that is odd. I mean she's been very attentive until the fight we had. Posting about us, sending pictures etc. I did not seem any emotional disconnect. Not even in our love life where we had engaged in that plentifully just a month prior. If anyone is her capture, it's the nature and hiking in my opinion. She seems to have become obsessed and driven to hike and concur challenging hikes. She'd always been very forthright and communicative about who and where she and her roommate were going to hike. 

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1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

Thank you for your response.

She is one who likes to push or run away. We went through this once before about 4 months in. If she wants it to end it clearly will as it takes two. I know I do not want it to end though, so it's tough just doing nothing and not fighting for what I want too. I am not sure what to make of the sudden break up, but then texts a few days a later. Can't tell if she feels bad, or thinks she made a mistake, or rather I am convenient for attention.

I didn't go into detail, but the plan was for me to relocate there too. We work for the same company and same job. We thought for sure I was going to get to go there too, but I was respectfully denied solely based on our relationship there. So the plan was to move somewhere with far more of our job now, and she can join in 6 months or so. I got a job at that kind of very place and she was so excited and talking about moving there too in 6 months etc. All these love poems and everything just in the few weeks leading up to it all crashing down. 

I cannot believe she just lost feelings for me in that instance. It feels more like she was on the verge of a breakdown, and I got "punished" for lack of a better word.

It sounds easy to just cut bait and let it go, but I am in love with this person. 

You may be in love with the idea of her and what you thought she was (but isn't). None of her behaviour sounds stable or trustworthy and it doesn't sound like she respects you either. Is this the path you want to keep going in a relationship?

The hot/cold isn't a good sign and the relationship sounds incredibly toxic and like a rollercoaster ("push or run away"). Why are you always doing the chasing? Take a time out to rethink. 

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Perhaps she has met someone else. I wouldn’t be surprised if you later find out she had another guy on her radar here. 

Either way, it seems clear that she was going to break up with you and took the argument as her way out. She doesn’t know how to be honest that it wasn’t as sudden as it appears to you, so she’s trying to make you think believe that it’s all over after  just one argument. Doesn’t add up. 

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2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I know I do not want it to end though, so it's tough just doing nothing and not fighting for what I want too. I am not sure what to make of the sudden break up, but then texts a few days a later. Can't tell if she feels bad, or thinks she made a mistake, or rather I am convenient for attention.

For you, it's sudden, but from the other side, it's normally been hanging there a while.

yes, the reaching out is often out of guilt, to them not wanting you to hate them, etc. ( because they don't hate you).. and then again, how do they expect you to feel? 😕 .

No one likes the pains of loss. Is never easy...

It takes time for BOTH sides to accept & heal.. and move on.

 

 

2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I cannot believe she just lost feelings for me in that instance. It feels more like she was on the verge of a breakdown, and I got "punished" for lack of a better word.

I am pretty sure she did not just have her 'feelings end'... she didn't.  You can very much care for someone but still end things, for reasons.

it does sound like she's overly stressed (fallen apart) 😕 .

But, she has chosen to put an end to all of this (relationships also add strain.. with expectations, energy etc).

So, you leave her to it. (IF she comes crawling back, don't just jump all into it. So often it just fails again .. because what caused th first BU, has not been dealt with and the pains involved with the BU, etc).

So, although feelings are there, does not mean it will work out..again. 😕 

As for her reaching out. is maybe best to just stop all of that as well. Tell her you can't do this.. That you can't 'be friends', or w/e she wants.. because you NEED your own time to work on accepting this. ( Ex's need to realize for our own peace of mind, they can't expect this from us).

The longer that goes on.. it alters your ability to move on.. instead, it drags on.. and on 😕 .. No good.

She made her choice.  Now, she needs to respect the fact that there is no need to keep reaching out, etc.

She needs to accept this, same as you.

 

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I mean she's been very attentive until the fight we had. She seems to have become obsessed and driven to hike and concur challenging hikes. 

Sometimes fights are an exit ramp. In this case the distance and logistics are too complex and simply not working. 

You have no way of knowing she's hiking all the time, however surely her phone is out of reach when she is, no?

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sometimes fights are an exit ramp. In this case the distance and logistics are too complex and simply not working. 

You have no way of knowing she's hiking all the time, however surely her phone is out of reach when she is, no?

 

6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You may be in love with the idea of her and what you thought she was (but isn't). None of her behaviour sounds stable or trustworthy and it doesn't sound like she respects you either. Is this the path you want to keep going in a relationship?

The hot/cold isn't a good sign and the relationship sounds incredibly toxic and like a rollercoaster ("push or run away"). Why are you always doing the chasing? Take a time out to rethink. 

Earlier in May we were talking about things. Although it was not an argument at all, she was saying she wants me to engage her more, plan nice things, be romantic, appreciate beauty, and have a plan for our lives and how we move up.

The frustrating thing is I didn't even get a chance. I heard her words, but then never was given an opportunity since. Her mom came to visit the next weekend and she was all encapsulated in that. The week after that her and her roommate were doing this incredibly long challenging hike, and were camping and hiking for two days. Week after that she came here, but was on zero sleep, was stressed, and we had all these wedding events pre-planned we had to attend. 

I guess part of the reason why I wanted to go there was to give her beauty and romance, bc we have gotten away from that. BUT, honestly she wasn't even trying either or being accommodating or flexible. 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

You have no way of knowing she's hiking all the time, however surely her phone is out of reach when she is, no?

Eh, I mean a lot of places she goes to are in dead-zones. That being said, she alway goes out of her way to tell me where she is going and who with. Her roommate in the past was previously involved a lot, and I do not think she would have her around if she was courting another.

 

She also sends me a lot of pictures of it. The only guy really involved is married, and definitely not someone I would think she would even be romantically involved with. For one, he technically reports to her at work, for two, he is married, for three.... to put it nicely, he does not seem anywhere near her type romantically. I sort of get the vibe from meeting him that he may even be possibly gay. 

Edited by EitherDare0
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12 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I guess part of the reason why I wanted to go there was to give her beauty and romance, bc we have gotten away from that. 

Unfortunately, it's too late to backpedal. Showing up unannounced is not romantic.

 

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Posted (edited)

I'm sorry OP. 

I have to admit my first thought was she met someone else.  She is and was distancing herself, wanting to change her flight?  why? causing a fight and using that to dump you. 

She wants her new life, but she likes the comfort of the old with you.  Hence the using you to get over you. 

Then you mentioned the previous break up. I think this is a pattern you have to decide if you want to deal with.  Yes. The heart wants what the heart wants.  But when you let a person break up with you and then you jump through hoops to get them back is not a healthy and good relationship. 

It's like "ok... I'll be with you." and frankly, you deserve better and when you find someone that treats you better, you'll see it so clearly. You'll kick yourself for rewarding her selfish, controlling behavior.

Never reward poor behavior. We see it with children and their little tantrums. Just like a strong parent when your kid acts out, you don't give in. It kills you but otd for the greater good. 

You did nothing wrong. It's total bs about the romance.  Ignore her for awhile.  Get your self respect back. Choose you! 

Edited by Lambert
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1 hour ago, EitherDare0 said:

 

Earlier in May we were talking about things. Although it was not an argument at all, she was saying she wants me to engage her more, plan nice things, be romantic, appreciate beauty, and have a plan for our lives and how we move up.

The frustrating thing is I didn't even get a chance. I heard her words, but then never was given an opportunity since. Her mom came to visit the next weekend and she was all encapsulated in that. The week after that her and her roommate were doing this incredibly long challenging hike, and were camping and hiking for two days. Week after that she came here, but was on zero sleep, was stressed, and we had all these wedding events pre-planned we had to attend. 

I guess part of the reason why I wanted to go there was to give her beauty and romance, bc we have gotten away from that. BUT, honestly she wasn't even trying either or being accommodating or flexible. 

Yes and that takes time and patience. She's wanting a lot from you but she's shown by her actions she's not invested in this or sticking around. What does that say about her as a partner? 

 

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Seems many of you think she’s found another. 
 

I week back I asked her this very thing. She was not super defensive, but she did easily refute back “No 😐, why do you think I cannot just be by myself and just be alone?”  
 

When it comes to the truth, she has never had any issues being honest when it’s something she knows the be fact or not. So although the mind wanders, I do not have really any logical reason to think that’s the issue. I suppose it would be easier if she told me she had. Although more initial pain, it would also be easier to write her off as an act of utter betrayal. 

ive had trust issues in my past. My mind would often envision the worst and a lot of times was completely ludicrous. But I can say confidently that now, I just do not feel logically that she’s found someone else.  
 

Sadly, my impression I get of why the sudden end is more of her resentment towards me. There are a few things from my past that she resents. I think she admittedly compartmentalizes it from time to time, but now and then resentment comes back out. Which I know isn’t good in a relationship. She would agree. SADLY the things I believe she resents are not fair. They are things that happened way before her and I even knew each other. Essentially they are my number of romantic partners earlier in my college days, and my college debt, which is a burden. 
 

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43 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Sadly, my impression I get of why the sudden end is more of her resentment towards me. There are a few things from my past that she resents. I think she admittedly compartmentalizes it from time to time, but now and then resentment comes back out. Which I know isn’t good in a relationship. She would agree. SADLY the things I believe she resents are not fair. They are things that happened way before her and I even knew each other. Essentially they are my number of romantic partners earlier in my college days, and my college debt, which is a burden. 
 

I never thought there was someone else. I mentioned a natural fork in the road where both of you are moving on. Reconciliation in the first place rarely works. This part above where she expresses or has expressed resentment towards you in the relationship is a part you need to let go of. When someone doesn't accept you for who you are or is insecure with parts of your life, acknowledge that and let it go along with the rest of this relationship. People are of all kinds and that means not everyone is created to deal with problems or challenges or histories the same way. 

The reason why I'm mentioning this is because it's easy to let it fester and boil and carry over to a new relationship as compounded insecurities over the years. Dump all that and find your self-confidence again before you try to date. When you're strong enough shut the door on this. You deserve to find someone who accepts all of you.

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I don't think that she necessarily found someone else or that it's a rabbit hole you need to go down into. It's silly and damaging to make these kinds of presumptions about people.

Most of the time, people break up for a lot of different reasons that have nothing to do with anyone else or even the partner they are leaving.

I do think that she has been contemplating this break up for awhile and that she did pick a fight on purpose to essentially execute it. To you it seems sudden, but it always is when you are the one being broken up with. The one who made the decision to end things - they've been thinking about it for a long time. So no, it's not sudden for her at all no matter what she claims.

Ultimately, it takes two people to make a relationship work and only one person to end it. You can't fight for anything by yourself. In fact, the whole "fight for the relationship" is a very toxic concept. Relationships aren't war, they are voluntary and both people are free to leave any time they please. I sincerely hope that you figure out how to accept this instead of getting stuck in the "I didn't get the chance to...." She doesn't owe you anything, you can't control, manipulate (aka show), or otherwise convince someone to be with you if they decided they don't want to.

I'll also second that you need to stop talking to her and heal. Right now she is just using you to get over you while you are desperately hoping it means something more. It doesn't. If she wanted you back, she'd say so. She isn't doing that and she knows how.

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I've had a friend for most of my adult life who had a traumatic upbringing and family life.

Over the years we got along well--until she crossed paths with her family.

Whenever that would happen, she would go bonkers, take something stupid out on me, and then we'd both retreat for a while until she came back into herself.

I'd avoid mind spins or trying to figure her out right now.

Head high, and read my sig.

Edited by catfeeder
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Getting the bomb dropped on you sucks giant monkey butt there is no doubt.  You are in shock and trying to figure out what just hit you and knocked you to your knees.  This is all normal and I have to say you are handling her contact very well.  No begging, no promises of change, no talk of us and no being a door mat. Keep that up but start being more aloof towards her.  Take your time responding and keep them short and to the point.  Cutting her off completely is best overall for you but I know it isn't that easy so work your way into that.  Remember if you want her to miss you and think about you there has to be mystery surrounding you but if you are just a text away she will not change gears.

  You want to fix this but it isn't yours to fix yet.  She dumped you so she has to be the one to decide to want to try again.  It is that simple.  Imagine if you could beg her or trick her or convince her to try again.  How real would it be?  If we focus on what we know for sure we might guess at what happened.

  She was super stressed before the wedding.  She doesn't get along with her family and they trigger her AND she is a runner.  People that get overwhelmed and the first thing they want to do is run do not make for stable relationships.  I dated a runner once and it is no fun.  Each time they run you never know if they are coming back after they calm down so you start living on the edge all the time.

  The why is always asked by the person that got dumped. I have found even when you get all the answers you could ever want knowing the WHY never changes the fact that it is over. 

  Your best bet is to work your way towards no contact so she can miss you.  While you are NC work on yourself, get back to the guy you were before you met her.  We all drop parts of our lives when we are in a relationship so find those things, friends, hobbies or interests and be the best version of yourself.  In time you just might find that you wanting to work it out lessons more and more as time goes by and you get excited about meeting someone new. 

  In this time knowing what not to do is far more important than knowing what to do.

Don't surprise her (visit, flowers, gifts)

Don't be a doormat

Don't be her shoulder to cry on or vent to  (you are no longer her bf)

Don't sit around waiting, staying busy is your friend

Don't look at any of her social media.  This is very important

 Accepting that you have zero control over the outcome is freeing, not easy to do but it does allow you to stop trying to fix something you have no idea what is broken. 

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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19 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

In this time knowing what not to do is far more important than knowing what to do.

Don't surprise her (visit, flowers, gifts)

Don't be a doormat

Don't be her shoulder to cry on or vent to  (you are no longer her bf)

Don't sit around waiting, staying busy is your friend

Don't look at any of her social media.  This is very important

Yep! Disabuse yourself of any fantasy of trying 'woo' her back. Not only is that 'ick' (sorry but, yeah....), neither of you would trust that outcome under pressure. Her investment needs to be 100 percent voluntary and without influence from you.

So you need to back off. Either she wants to reverse her position, or not.

If not, you'll need to learn that early, but if so, she needs to step UP to make that known.

If you're willing to hang around on the periphery of her life, you'll not only gain zero respect from her, you'll also comfort her into exploration AWAY from you.

Skip that. Pay attention to the response your lack of attention raised in her, and continue that.

Either you're a self-respecting guy who is worth voicing an investment to keep, or you are not.

Stop behaving as though you are not.

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11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How come you started a new thread?

I'm sorry this happened. Apparently the distance got to her and this was her excuse to get out. Nothing you did or didn't do.

I forgot all about this one honestly. I am not in a good state of mind at the moment. 

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45 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I forgot all about this one honestly. I am not in a good state of mind at the moment. 

That's fine. In fact if it's a new situation, like you have news about what  just happened you can start a new thread.

Now sure why this thread was brought up?

Edited by Wiseman2
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