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Significant other no longer wants to say I love you anymore needlessly


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My significant other and I have been going through a rough patch. I am at the point where I feel as though I am nothing to him but someone to gain from Financially, sexually, and mentally. I feel so destroyed and just useless to him as though I am not good enough. This man never makes a mistake and everything literally is my fault. I am so angry and mad. He made a tinder account, stole money from me, cheated on me, does not pull his weight regarding household chores, and two months ago told me he was not in Love with me because I was selfish because I slept during the day (I work 8pm to 4am of 8pm to 8am). I have insomnia and have always had trouble sleeping. I have taken so much havoc from this man and we have a child together. I work on offshift job and I am not home at night to see my son or to take care of him so his father does. He is 3years old. If I try to leave my spouse he will take him away from me and I will be alone. I feel so much resentment to this man because of how much *** I went through and he is allowed to say I no longer love you and then said I love you again after I was trying to make it work. But now he is demanding a meal cooked every night dishes washed for my anxiety to magically go away and now he quote on quote he no longer wants to say I love you pointlessly. 

My love language is affirmation. His is acts of service and quality time. Both of our needs are not being met and I just feel so defeated angry. Like I feel I am chopped liver to him because he never gives me a compliment anymore. Treats me like he loves me. Just demands that I fix the issues I have and I want to make it work but I am so angry and I am so tired of being unhappy. I used to smile and love who I was. I look in the mirror now and just see a shell of a person that once had so much to offer. I feel so empty and numb. I don't know if it is my relationship, the new medication I started last month for my anxiety or what. I am so tired of not smiling or when I see my spouse just get stressed that I am not doing something right. Did I make him happy today? Is he going to leave me. I don't even care anymore it feels like a relief more than anything if he would just leave first. I already know he is going to leave so I just wish he would get it over with. He wants me to change and he doesn't see the changes I have made since the first time we dated. He put up with me then and it was 10x times worse. I feel so lost today and just upset.  

 

I want to make things work. I needed to talk. I know he has been stressed because of feeling like a single parent and I see that. My feelings and heart just feels like it no longer matters. He already told me that somedays if not all I love him more than he loves me. I don't know if I can take a relationship where this is a factor. I can take a lot but this has been so much lately .  

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Why on earth do you want to make this work? Do you really think it is good for your child to have such a useless person around who is making you miserable? And to see you just taking it? This is unhealthy in every way and is bad for your child as well, do not kid yourself. Get out, now. He offers you nothing positive. Get yourself some help to figure out why you have stayed this long and to make yourself stronger before you get into another stupid situation. Focus yourself, your life, your happiness and your child. Walk away from this cretin, the only thing you are gaining from staying is more misery and more lost time. 

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1 hour ago, Rae said:

This man never makes a mistake and everything literally is my fault. I am so angry and mad. He made a tinder account, stole money from me, cheated on me, does not pull his weight regarding household chores, and two months ago told me he was not in Love with me because I was selfish because I slept during the day

The guy is a controlling idiot! 😕 

You know you don't deserve this... right?

Not sure how long you've been involved, but I think he's proven pretty much the loser he is!

2 hours ago, Rae said:

If I try to leave my spouse he will take him away from me and I will be alone

How does he plan to do this?  he can't do that.  usually the child remains with mom (primary caregiver) and father has visitation.. UNLESS it is proven mother is unfit.

2 hours ago, Rae said:

Just demands that I fix the issues I have and I want to make it work but I am so angry and I am so tired of being unhappy.

Stop trying.. stop giving.  he doesn't!

 

Get out of that mess... and work on getting YOURSELF better and it will be better, once you are away from his negativity!  Believe me.. been there.

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2 hours ago, Rae said:

. He is 3years old. If I try to leave my spouse he will take him away from me and I will be alone. 

Sorry this is happening. It's nonsense that anyone can take your son away.

Contact trusted friends and family about the abuse.

Get advice from an attorney about your options in divorce. Do not tell him or threaten divorce.

With the help of trusted friends and family, secretly develop an exit strategy.

Stop talking to him about your feelings etc. It's a waste of time.

 

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Who no longer wants to say I LOVE YOU to their spouse?  He says you love him more than he loves you?  He's abusing you on so many levels here. You're walking on eggshells around him, worried that you might "set him off"- that's hardcore abuse, OP. 

I'm sorry to say, but having a child typically puts stress on a marriage.  Having a child is hard work for both parties, and you shouldn't have a child if one of you is not ready for that constant responsibility.  Unless you are wealthy, one of you is always going to have to take care of the baby on a daily basis, and yes, sometimes it is lopsided.   But that's part of being a parent.  I can understand being tired and frustrated but there is NEVER an excuse to abuse your spouse over it.  NEVER. 

You already know your marriage is in an extremely unhealthy place, it is best to just end it.  He's being horribly abusive towards you.  You and your son do not deserve this.  It is also not a healthy example for your son to witness as he gets older. 

What is there to make work, OP?  Honestly?  Abusers don't just stop abusing.  It sounds like he keeps pushing farther and farther to see how much abuse you will take.  That is an awful thing to live through. 

Please please please look into legal counsel.  Please start planning your escape from this abuser.  He has zero intention of making things "work".  He's just planning on abusing you for as long as he can get away with.  

Please read this as many times as it takes to sink in - This man does not love you.  This man is abusive.  This man does not respect you.  This man will never change.  I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of respect.  I have a right to basic human dignity.  I deserve to be supported and loved. 

Please be honest with trusted family or friends and make your escape.  

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You need better sleep. Can you talk with your doctor about the insomnia and re-evaluate this job or speak with the company about moving to a different department (any other opportunities for day shifts?). When you're on your own with your child, it may be easier to manage - thinking long term. On the side and on your own, start speaking with a lawyer about your situation. 

He's abusive, demanding and tells you he doesn't love you. It's not just a lack of saying he loves you. He's saying the opposite entirely and threatening that you won't be able to have custody of your child. He keeps you down to keep you thinking that you are powerless and trapped, thinking that you have no way out. For as long as you keep believing that there's no way out, he'll continue abusing you. He's counting on it. 

Take the emotion out of this for one moment or use it to fuel your resolve in finding proper legal advice. Start taking steps to leave and find a way out. Work on a better sleeping schedule also and see your doctor if you need more advice.

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If this was a good relationship, i would say figure out what acts of service you can do - then when he feels like he is more loved, he will give more in return.  But its not because he is a cheat and a stealer. I would see an attorney to find out what you need to do or what your rights are.  If he is threatening to take the child away (vs just an idea that he would in your head) then that's abuse.

Do not tell him that you saw an attorney.  Åt all. 

Do you have parents or other relatives that could help you with child care if you were to split?  Or could you gradually let grandparents watch the child one to two nights a week to give him a "break" in watching the child so he could have free time to ease into the idea and see if it would work (but not telling him that's the reason). 

Also, right now, if you are not married, open up a bank account that he does not know exists - maybe at a different bank and sign up for online paperwork only - and start putting a little money away there here and there - not big enough to be noticeable - not half your paycheck but whatever will not be immediately missed

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On 6/7/2021 at 9:26 PM, Rae said:

If I try to leave my spouse he will take him away from me and I will be alone.

If you believe this, you're your own worst enemy.

Get legal advice about your options in your location, and operate with REAL information.

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