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You are on a date and you reach for her hand and she...


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"I understand. Thanks for being honest. I'm dating because I want to find the right woman to have a relationship with. Since that won't be happening with us I wish you the best in the future."

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25 minutes ago, BrokenGator said:

Pulls her hand away and ends up saying that her feelings aren't there.  How does one respond to that?

Sorry this happened. No second date for her. Just move forward and delete/block this one.

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This happened yesterday as we were walking through a meuseme.  I was obvious my demeanor was different.  I was also very confused because she just finished telling me the day before that we had so much in common and we had a good connection.  I went from laughing with her and sharing jokes and stories to basically walking through the meuseme in silence.  I couldn't help myself from just staying in my head.  She would ask me questions or make comments regarding the art and I could just reply very shortly.  I can't pretend I'm happy and into her like before.  I thought it was better than getting mad or saying something I shouldn't have.  We also drive together so that car ride was pretty silent too.

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43 minutes ago, BrokenGator said:

I was also very confused because she just finished telling me the day before that we had so much in common and we had a good connection

Okay, friendship-wise..right?

Not every gal you are 'friends' with means they want anything more.

You accept thats all it is.. give her a little space and respect her as a friend.

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1 hour ago, BrokenGator said:

Pulls her hand away and ends up saying that her feelings aren't there.  How does one respond to that?

...

We also drive together so that car ride was pretty silent too.

Do you work together or have to interact/drive with one another on a regular basis? Keep it respectful if so and civil. Give her a wide berth and let this blow over. Don't flirt with her anymore. Be yourself without encroaching on her space. The key word is respectful. 

You don't have to say a thing. Actions speak louder than words. 

If you don't really know this person and it was just one date, delete her number. Don't waste your time over individuals like this - not even a moment's thought.

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, friendship-wise..right?

Not every gal you are 'friends' with means they want anything more.

You accept thats all it is.. give her a little space and respect her as a friend.

What do you mean friends wise??? We already expressed lots of interest in each other as more than friends.

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Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Do you work together or have to interact/drive with one another on a regular basis? Keep it respectful if so and civil. Give her a wide berth and let this blow over. Don't flirt with her anymore. Be yourself without encroaching on her space. The key word is respectful. 

You don't have to say a thing. Actions speak louder than words. 

If you don't really know this person and it was just one date, delete her number. Don't waste your time over individuals like this - not even a moment's thought.

We met through our church and we've been talking and expressing lots of interest in each other.  I have no direct connection with her so I could easily stop talking to her.

Edited by BrokenGator
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Posted (edited)

I dunno, I got confused lately with the same issue so cant really tell you. Used to know better, for example you pick up some signals with experience so you know if a girl is interested or not, like smiling even at your stupid jokes or watching you intensely in the eyes. Or how conversation flows. But still got confused with similar case like yours. I think you should have handled it a bit better. For example if you were cool about it and not pouting all the way to home. And tried something at the end of date exactly because rest of it was ankward due to you riding her home and all. Then again I did exactly like Bolt said and didnt do me any good as she knows my intentions(I was wery clear and never backed up on that) and she still wants to go out and wants me close to her for some reason. But my situation is weird overall. So, maybe learn from my mistakes and do better. Look at it as failed date and move on.

Edited by Kwothe28
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59 minutes ago, BrokenGator said:

We met through our church and we've been talking and expressing lots of interest in each other.  I have no direct connection with her so I could easily stop talking to her.

Seems that she's changed her mind -I'd let this one go just like she let go of your hand. I'm sorry!

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Posted (edited)

As a woman, this is my advice. Never take a woman's hand - extend a hand. Put them on the table so she can get closer with hers or initiate holding hands if she feels so moved.  If her fingers brush your hand, etc, thats a good sign that she is open but still let her do it first.  BTW, extending a hand because she is in spike heels or platform boots and there is a steep curb or broken step is different - that is not viewed as "taking things in a direction" - its being a gentleman.  And it ends when she is over the curb

walking around holding hands is something couples do - not second dates.  Some people are just not touchy feely right away.  She could also still be deciding about you - whether she wants a third date or not.  It also depends how you met. 

You didn't do anything "wrong" per say -- but holding hands is very coupley and unless she is PHYSICALLY showing you she is interested.  ("we have so much in common" is not inching closer to you when you are sitting on a bench talking or initiating some casual contact.

I also don't know the context on how you did it. But if she was totally hot for you, she wouldn't care.

My guy and I did not have ANY contact whatsoever until the 3rd date FYI.

Edited by abitbroken
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 My take on it is as soon as you showed some intimacy she felt you were moving too fast. That can be off putting for a lot of women on a first date. Some women look at it as a player move. So what if she said you had lots in common. That’s not your que to start making moves. What you should have said was, ok Lets end the evening then, I will take you home. 

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

 My take on it is as soon as you showed some intimacy she felt you were moving too fast. That can be off putting for a lot of women on a first date. Some women look at it as a player move. So what if she said you had lots in common. That’s not your que to start making moves. What you should have said was, ok Lets end the evening then, I will take you home. 

This wasn't the first date, more like the fourth date.

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3 hours ago, BrokenGator said:

What do you mean friends wise??? We already expressed lots of interest in each other as more than friends.

Did you??

Then why is she pulling her hand away & saying things like.."her feeling aren't there'

Doesn't that tell you she does not have that interest in mind? ( Not for her?).

Anyways, you ask how to respond to that?  Don't know, wasn't there .  But if someone acted that way with me, I'd avoid trying that again.

 

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6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

"I understand. Thanks for being honest. I'm dating because I want to find the right woman to have a relationship with. Since that won't be happening with us I wish you the best in the future."

Nailed it!

 

Lost

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Posted (edited)

You didn't do anything wrong and reaching to hold her hand is a nice gesture. The good thing is now you know.  This happens when a guy leans in for a kiss too.

  Don't beat yourself up over lack of romantic interest in you. She changed her mind which happens all the time and sometimes you never find out why, heck sometimes they don't even know why all they know is they aren't feeling the spark or whatever.

Having a lot in common or even a connection does not equate to a romantic connection. 

  I don't know how the date ended but it is pretty clear there will not be another.  No need to explain anything to her just stop the interaction and move on.  I am sure there are other women that are interested in you.

   Hang in there and look at the bright side.  You could have taken her out many more times before making a move and then got the bomb dropped on you.  You saved time and energy on someone that isn't the one.

  Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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22 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

You didn't do anything wrong and reaching to hold her hand is a nice gesture. The good thing is now you know.  This happens when a guy leans in for a kiss too.

  Don't beat yourself up over lack of romantic interest in you. She changed her mind which happens all the time and sometimes you never find out why, heck sometimes they don't even know why all they know is they aren't feeling the spark or whatever.

Having a lot in common or even a connection does not equate to a romantic connection. 

  I don't know how the date ended but it is pretty clear there will not be another.  No need to explain anything to her just stop the interaction and move on.  I am sure there are other women that are interested in you.

   Hang in there and look at the bright side.  You could have taken her out many more times before making a move and then got the bomb dropped on you.  You saved time and energy on someone that isn't the one.

  Lost

My response probably also came across as pouty.  Maybe she thought I was being immature.  But no way anyone would act like nothing happened while we were still walking around in the museum.

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5 hours ago, BrokenGator said:

My response probably also came across as pouty.  Maybe she thought I was being immature.  But no way anyone would act like nothing happened while we were still walking around in the museum.

That's unfortunate, but understandable. I mean, ouch!

As you know, you can't go back and change the past. You didn't see it coming, and she may not have seen it coming, either. Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe she didn't know her own mind until that very moment.

Whatever the reason, it happened and you were unprepared. You did what you thought was right, and so did she. This situation is over, but now you are at least armed with experience.

If this ever happens again, you will be better prepared. You can say something along the lines of what bolt suggested. You will probably also be more resilient, and better able to manage a more gracious demeanor as you finish out the date. 

But this chapter is done. Don't be too hard on yourself about it.

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11 hours ago, BrokenGator said:

My response probably also came across as pouty.  Maybe she thought I was being immature.  But no way anyone would act like nothing happened while we were still walking around in the museum.

Rejecting a hand hold is not like saying no to a marriage proposal.  you need more interaction experience/more casual dates with women to develop yourself so you don't treat every non-rejection as a rejection.  Honestly, if a guy playfully said "over here, i really want to show you this" and took me by the hand and lead me to something, i would not have read it as physical affection especially if the mood was up the whole time and it was quick.   I am wondering if you thought the date was going better than you thought it was and you gave her other cues - you were quiet up to it trying to plot how you were going to touch her, etc. because her reaction wasn't something that someone normally would do unless it was clear the handhold was a "pass" at her.  In my experience, a guy will take your hand and hold it before kissing you for the first time. 

So just go forward. I hope you texted her that you had a good time, etc, or was glad that you were able to see the X special exhibit and leave it up to her to initiate future contact or not. In otherwords, be your usual gentlemanly self but don't ask her out again unless she does.  Try to find the next coffee meetup.  She may change her mind and think she was just caught off guard and is interested or she is not. .... Just keep plugging along and don't put too much investment/hope on one woman unless things are very clear and you mutually agree to pair off and see where it goes

 

 

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14 hours ago, BrokenGator said:

This wasn't the first date, more like the fourth date.

Clearly she isn't interested. Good to find out now not way later. I get the confusion, she kept saying yes to the dates, so you only assumed. BUT other than her saying yes, was she giving you signals to touch her? like leaning in, twirling her hair and smiling, leaning into you while walking?

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Not everyone responds the same... I don't think you need to beat yourself up, you found out she wasn't really into you like you thought. 4th date.. it's early.

Hope this anecdote helps. I once dated a man for two months and I thought things were going good. We had great chemistry and our conversation flowed. I adored him. So when I got the nerves to finally ask if we can be exclusive he told me didn't feel the same. It was a big blow to my ego. Thankfully I didn't let myself fall in love with him, but I always wondered if I had stuck around or if I hadn't found out, who knows? I might have just fallen for him and that would just been a big heart break. So to this day, I thank my lucky stars that I found out sooner than later. I went no contact with that guy and was able to make myself available to other people... and yes a year down the road, I met my husband!

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