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I'm his stress


Fightingforlove

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😥we have been together for 13yrs. Married for 7yrs in what I thought was a happy marriage. Found out he had been cheating on me. I thought we worked it out. Everything was fine. Years passed and I had this feeling in my gut. I didn't have access to his phone. Till one day my child asked to watch something my phone had died so he gave up his to keep our child busy. Well i manage to get it and snooped on his phone found he was talking to her again. Confronted him he said I was his stress. Talking to others was his way of destressing. I don't understand I'm not high maintenance. I don't ever ask for anything. I have my own job if i want things i buy them with my money. I ever nag to help around the house. I cook, i clean, i take care of the kids. I run errands for him since he is out of town a lot. If he comes home tired complaining about his feet or back hurting. I massage his and try to relax him. I don't deny sex. I thought i was being the "perfect wife" but I'm not apparently. I'm his stress. 

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19 minutes ago, Fightingforlove said:

Married for 7yrs in what I thought was a happy marriage. Found out he had been cheating on me. I thought we worked it out. Everything was fine. Years passed and I had this feeling in my gut.

Oh, he has cheated in his past, with you 😕 .

talking with her.. again/still?

Then he doesn't deserve you, if you feel now you can't trust him.. that's a biggy!

Is it time to get out of this... let him go now?

Can you get a place of your own?

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Thank you. Yes i think the same yet here I am still with him. I love him i truly do. He asked what I wanted from him. I told i want you to be with me and me only if you can't do that let me know. He didn't respond to me but he did say he wasn't happy and it was just me it's him in general he never been happy. I'm scared to lose him. We have to small children and i don't want them to go through a divorce.

1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Oh, he has cheated in his past, with you 😕 .

talking with her.. again/still?

Then he doesn't deserve you, if you feel now you can't trust him.. that's a biggy!

Is it time to get out of this... let him go now?

Can you get a place of your own?

Yes it happen before. I must sound so stupid. I don't hold anger towards him. Even when my stomach is in knots my hands shaking from what I read. I don't get angry. I talk to him and try to understand him. He said he would never tell me to stay because that would be selfish on his part. He knows he doesn't deserve me and ask how do I not hate him. I don't know if me not reacting more is Messing with him.  

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11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's an excuse he is using to cheat on you -his rationalization.  It's ridiculous IMO.  I'm sorry.

Yeah i told him that too saying i get stressed out too. He is a great father, he is not a bum. He works hard never asks for hand outs. I admire him so much in that aspect. It's just as a spouse where he kinda slacks at. I think a lot ok is it worth losing 13yrs, so many memories. But at the same time i think i deserve better. Idk I'm just confused like i think i want to leave but I can't. Not because he makes me stay or says things but because I don't want to lose him. I love him. I know how stupid i sound and i like ok you want to get hurt stay quit complaining and deal with what you are doing to yourself. Im lost leaving is easier said than done

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OP, cheating is a form of abuse. He knows what he is doing and he is doing to you on purpose, intentionally, with malice aforethought. This includes him playing the victim, blaming you (gaslighting you really) and manipulating you into feeling sorry for his lying cheating ways. You are literally feeling sorry for your abuser. Think on that.

Tons of people in your situation use children as an excuse to stay. Wrong wrong wrong. Your children will be damaged badly by your refusal to leave a toxic relationship with a cheating partner. They do know and they are affected or if they are too young now, they will be badly affected later on. They do not need to live in a messed up situation where one parent is fake. They NEED one sane parent, YOU, to demonstrate to them strength, sanity, boundaries and, most importantly, that bad behavior has consequences.

Please leave FOR the children. Do not use them to justify your codependent ways and clinging on to a cheater. That's something you need to work out privately with a therapist who understand that cheating is abuse.

Also, for the love of.....good fathers do NOT cheat on their family..... Please stop lying to yourself and justifying his trash behavior. Your children ARE watching and learning and this is what you are teaching them - being a trash person is OK.

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12 minutes ago, Fightingforlove said:

He didn't respond to me but he did say he wasn't happy and it was just me it's him in general he never been happy. I'm scared to lose him. We have to small children and i don't want them to go through a divorce.

Okay, but he is not happy 😕 ... is this what you want?  A cheater?  A miserable man- who's affected your trust?

I have been thru a couple of BU's.. and was for the best.  I have 4 kids.. and sometimes we NEED to step up & take action.. for our own well being & the kids.

Many kids have experienced parents who split up & all goes okay. As long as you do NOT drag your kids through rough times.

 

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3 minutes ago, Fightingforlove said:

It's just as a spouse where he kinda slacks at.

Kinda?

He cheats and blames you for it.

Do you want a marriage where your husband has affairs and you pretend you don't know?

Would you want your children to have this kind of marriage? 

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Just now, Fightingforlove said:

Of course I would not want this for my children. 

And what about for yourself?

Aren't you worthy of a husband who cherishes you and wouldn't dream of hurting you? 

Think about how you want your life to be. Also think about the example you want to set for your children. 

You know, my mother finally divorced my father after years of an awful marriage. You know what we kids told her when she told us she was divorcing him? "What took you so long? You should have divorced that guy years ago!" She too was staying "for the kids". And she too "loved" him. But all that did was ensure 4 people had miserable lives, her and us kids. Staying hurt us while leaving would have actually been better for us.

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47 minutes ago, Fightingforlove said:

 I don't ever ask for anything. I have my own job if i want things i buy them with my money. I ever nag to help around the house. I cook, i clean, i take care of the kids. I run errands for him since he is out of town a lot. If he comes home tired complaining about his feet or back hurting. I massage his and try to relax him. I don't deny sex. I

Sorry this is happening. Is this sexting/flirting or an affair when he goes out of town.

You don't have to divorce if you choose not to. 

However acting like a doormat and slave is a very bad idea. You lose all respect that way. Far from "the perfect wife".

Immediately stop all this. Be a wife/women/partner not a the live-in help.

No one respects or finds a doormat attractive. 

Get out of the house. Take care of yourself. Get to the gym, salon, spa, etc. Take classes courses get a side job. go out with friends and family much more.

Act with self respect whether he stays, goes, cheats, you divorce, whatever.

Let him participate financially, with errands, chores, childcare, etc. and do not act like a geisha.

Since you refuse to divorce a chronic cheater, at least improve your life instead of being a slave.

 

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3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, but he is not happy 😕 ... is this what you want?  A cheater?  A miserable man- who's affected your trust?

I have been thru a couple of BU's.. and was for the best.  I have 4 kids.. and sometimes we NEED to step up & take action.. for our own well being & the kids.

Many kids have experienced parents who split up & all goes okay. As long as you do NOT drag your kids through rough times.

 

Your right. I guess I was hoping i could help him. I feel like he is depressed and I want to help him. He admitted to him affecting me. I use to smile a lot and not as much now. He blames himself for it and hearing him say that breaks my heart more. 

 

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1 minute ago, Fightingforlove said:

Your right. I guess I was hoping i could help him. I feel like he is depressed and I want to help him. He admitted to him affecting me. I use to smile a lot and not as much now. He blames himself for it and hearing him say that breaks my heart more. 

 

Oh yes he is so sadz he has no problem finding other women to screw. Poor poor man. He blames himself sooo much and feels so bad about cheating on you that he continues to cheat on you. Who are you kidding OP?

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57 minutes ago, Fightingforlove said:

I told i want you to be with me and me only if you can't do that let me know.

He has let you know- his cheating is his way of telling you. 

He doesn't love you the way you love him. He doesn't cheat because he's depressed or stressd. He cheats because he's selfish and has no respect for you or your marriage. 

You can't help care when he just doesn't, OP. 

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He's not depressed!

My friend tried to use that excuse when her husband was having multiple affairs. She even said she would never divorce him because, as she said, "How can I leave him when he's HURTING???!!!" Yeah, I sure it really hurt his penis when he was putting it inside all those other women. She did eventually divorce him when he became so blatant about his girlfriends she couldn't hide from it anymore. She too is a mother and her life improved exponentially when she left him. No more looking through everything trying to see who he was sleeping with and spending sleepless nights crying and upset.

Things aren't going to get better when the both of you are blaming you for his cheating and making excuses for it.

You do not have to divorce him if you don't want to, of course. You can accept that you have a husband who cheats.  Expect him to cheat and try to adjust your expectations of what your marriage should be. Find fulfillment with your children and family and friends and just put the affair out of your mind.

If that's not possible or acceptable to you, however, you can look into your options.

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1 hour ago, Fightingforlove said:

Yeah i told him that too saying i get stressed out too. He is a great father, he is not a bum. He works hard never asks for hand outs. I admire him so much in that aspect. It's just as a spouse where he kinda slacks at. I think a lot ok is it worth losing 13yrs, so many memories. But at the same time i think i deserve better. Idk I'm just confused like i think i want to leave but I can't. Not because he makes me stay or says things but because I don't want to lose him. I love him. I know how stupid i sound and i like ok you want to get hurt stay quit complaining and deal with what you are doing to yourself. Im lost leaving is easier said than done

What are your standards - a marriage is healthy because he doesn’t ask for handouts and is a good father ? A marriage is good because you love someone who disrespects you ?of course leaving is hard.  Many decisions are.  Do you want your children growing up in this environment? If he’s a good father you can co parent with him. 

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Sounds to me like you make no demands on him in this marriage.  No boundaries are set. He can do whatever including seeing other women.  He also has low self esteem to begin with (when he says you're too good for him).

I would stand up, be a wife, not a doormat and give him responsibilities in this marriage. You're doing it all.  I'm sorry but when you do too much for people, they will take you for granted.

Right now, he holds a very non-chalant attitude towards you and the marriage.

 

 

 

 

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15 hours ago, Fightingforlove said:

I thought i was being the "perfect wife" but I'm not apparently. I'm his stress. 

Oh, pishaw. Cheaters lie. They also blame their partner when cornered.

You get to decide whether loyalty is important enough to you, or whether you'll settle for keeping the man you can't trust.

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22 hours ago, Fightingforlove said:

😥we have been together for 13yrs. Married for 7yrs in what I thought was a happy marriage. Found out he had been cheating on me. I thought we worked it out. Everything was fine. Years passed and I had this feeling in my gut. I didn't have access to his phone. Till one day my child asked to watch something my phone had died so he gave up his to keep our child busy. Well i manage to get it and snooped on his phone found he was talking to her again. Confronted him he said I was his stress. Talking to others was his way of destressing. I don't understand I'm not high maintenance. I don't ever ask for anything. I have my own job if i want things i buy them with my money. I ever nag to help around the house. I cook, i clean, i take care of the kids. I run errands for him since he is out of town a lot. If he comes home tired complaining about his feet or back hurting. I massage his and try to relax him. I don't deny sex. I thought i was being the "perfect wife" but I'm not apparently. I'm his stress. 

Wow, I wish my wife was like you. 
 

I would be in heaven if it was so. 
 

him saying your his stress is just an excuse. His cheating has nothing to do with you. 

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