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I like him but I don't find him attractive


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18 hours ago, Atlguy said:

Why would you have sex with this man???

I have not had sex with this man and have no desire to. But I made this post to see if people have been in relationships like this where they originally felt no physical attraction but as time went on and they fell in love with their partner's personality they started to feel that physical attraction later on. But from everyone's advice, I have concluded that this isn't a physical attraction issue, it's him not having any concern for his health.

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you perceive this as sexual harassment? Coworkers are not supposed to badger you for dates.

I don't think this is sexual harassment because I was unsure about how I felt about him so sometimes I would reciprocate the flirting and attraction. But I think he was definitely too pushy sometimes.

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1 hour ago, punkrock17 said:

I feel safe with him because I feel like he would never let anything bad happen to me, he will always stand up for me, and he is really patient with me and helping me learn new things at work since he has been there for years and I just started. But I forgot to mention that he never drives and just Ubers everywhere because he is always drinking 🙃 When we go out, I drive.

So he drinks so much that he takes ubers everywhere?  How in the world do you expect him to "never let anything bad happen to you" if he is constantly drinking? How would he be able to stand up for you in an appropriate way when he is drunk?  Do you think he is an alcoholic? 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, punkrock17 said:

But I forgot to mention that he never drives and just Ubers everywhere because he is always drinking 🙃 When we go out, I drive.

Definitely a bad situation, and your gut feelings are steering you right. He might be a nice guy, but he is definitely bad news.

Edited by Jibralta
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When a guy wants to "hangout" he's usually looking to date you. If you are not interested make it perfectly clear, and stop hanging out with him. He pressured you because he knows you are a push over. Know your self worth. I understand you like going out and having fun BUT there must be other people you can do that with...like girlie friends. When I was young I hung out with guys thinking we were just friends...No! it's not like that, they want something from you. Remember that.

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Posted (edited)

Think of how you'd feel if you found out a guy you really liked a lot was "pity dating" you. Would it hurt more for him to say "no, thanks" in the beginning or after a few months when you're emotionally attached?

It's a good lesson to learn. You can do what's best for you and for others too.

Edited by boltnrun
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8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So he drinks so much that he takes ubers everywhere?  How in the world do you expect him to "never let anything bad happen to you" if he is constantly drinking? How would he be able to stand up for you in an appropriate way when he is drunk?  Do you think he is an alcoholic? 

He is never black out drunk or belligerently drunk. He Ubers even if he has one drink, which is every day. I don't know if one drink in a day qualifies as alcoholism, but I think he drinks a lot. For context, we are both bartenders, so I guess it is part of the job description to drink.

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7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

When I was young I hung out with guys thinking we were just friends...No! it's not like that, they want something from you. Remember that.

I know you are right. I know that it's almost impossible to be just friends with a guy. All of the guys that I am friends with now have tried to date me or sleep with me at some point.

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11 hours ago, punkrock17 said:

I know you are right. I know that it's almost impossible to be just friends with a guy. All of the guys that I am friends with now have tried to date me or sleep with me at some point.

You can still be friends with a man who asked you out at one point.  I am for over 25 years now.  I went to his wedding too. Way in the beginning when we were classmates he asked me out (which he later denied) and I declined.  We're close friends.  Have been for years.  I am friendly with men I dated -it depends on whether both people moved past it and whether the interactions are platonic and appropriate. My husband is friendly with women he dated -I'm actually better friends with one of  them than he is and our kids have spent lots of time together too.  It also depends how you are meeting these men although I am friendly with men I originally met through a dating site.  

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The truth is, there is a plethora of people out there that you're going to be kind of attracted to in some ways and then repelled in other ways. They can be friends but they are not right for you from a partner standpoint, and that's okay. 

While it's true that sexual attraction can grow over time, I doubt that is the case here. If you were saying "Well I just don't know about him/our physical chemistry but I don't find him gross/ugly/etc" then I'd say give it a bit more time, given that you two get on well, and see if it grows a little. But with what you describe, you're actually grossed out by his hygiene and substance use habits. That's a no-go. It's not going to get better.

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Well when I read the first sentence I thought, well he can't change his crooked teeth unless he has a lot of money for expensive dental work. The other things are in his control though and they sound off putting. Just because someone is a bartender doesn't mean they should be an alcoholic. I'm sure not every bartender drinks every single day. The fact he can't have you over to his place because it's so dirty is a huge turn off. I'm messy too but if I'm having someone over, I actually clean up and make the place look nice. If he wants a girlfriend but too lazy to clean then he sounds really bad to be honest. He's an "older man" in your eyes but really he's behaving like a teenager.

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There's a difference between messy and dirty. My apartment is messy right now because I'm trying to cram 800 square feet of belongings into 450 square feet. But it's clean. I know people, however, who have dust an inch thick on their floors and furniture and mildew in their bathrooms.  That's gross.

Anyway...you have the right to be particular about who you date. And you should definitely be attracted to him.

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