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I like him but I don't find him attractive


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TL;DR: I am dating a guy, and I like him but I don't find him physically attractive. Should I stick it out or end it?

I (F20) recently started dating my coworker (M27). I originally didn't want to because I know that dating someone you work with never goes well, but he begged and begged until I finally agreed to go on a date with him.

I really like a lot of things about him. We have a lot of fun together and I love hanging out with him and all of his friends. He is really caring and respectful. He makes me feel safe and like he is always trying to protect me. He has a way with his words and flirting with me that always gives me butterflies. I also like that he is quite a bit older than me because he treats me how I think a man should treat me, whereas guys my age often tell me that they are "scared of commitment".

The problem that I am having is that I'm having trouble finding him physically attractive. His teeth are crooked, he never exercises and it shows in his body, his body is very hairy (not my thing), he smokes, vapes, and drinks every day, sometimes his hair is really greasy and it makes me question how often he showers, and he told me that I can't come to his house because it's too dirty. I guess he just really grosses me out sometimes. I know he wants to have sex but I'm having trouble having any sexual attraction to him.

Normally I would never go out with someone I don't find physically attractive, but I'm scared I will never find another guy that treats me like he does. He really wants me to be his girlfriend, but I just don't know if I can say yes to that if I'm not attracted to him. I think I am struggling so much because I have been wanting and looking for a relationship for a long time and I know that I could have one with him, but I just don't know if I can get past the lack of physical attraction.

So what do I do? Should I keep dating him and then maybe when I develop more feelings for him I will find him attractive? Or should I just end it if I'm not attracted to him? I would really appreciate any advice you could offer me because I'm really struggling with the right thing to do.

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5 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

he smokes, vapes, and drinks every day, sometimes his hair is really greasy and it makes me question how often he showers, and he told me that I can't come to his house because it's too dirty. I guess he just really grosses me out sometimes.

Ok there are way too many red flags. Honesty is the best policy. That means stop stringing him along and tell him you don't date coworkers and see him as a friend.

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20 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

Normally I would never go out with someone I don't find physically attractive, but I'm scared I will never find another guy that treats me like he does.

You are very young, in time you will find somebody who treats you right. Attraction should at least be there. Meaning that you shouldnt at least be grossed out by him. And by your story, you are very grossed out. That is something that you can hardly overcome. Ever. So, cut off your losses now. Again, in time, you will find somebody who you will like ohysically and would want a relationship and to treat you properly. 

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29 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

: I am dating a guy, and I like him but I don't find him physically attractive. Should I stick it out or end it?

Sounds like this is an issue for you?  Along with him being a co worker?

Then , maybe re consider being with him other than friends...

 

31 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

he never exercises and it shows in his body, his body is very hairy (not my thing), he smokes, vapes, and drinks every day, sometimes his hair is really greasy and it makes me question how often he showers, and he told me that I can't come to his house because it's too dirty

Red flags?  Avoid.

32 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

I'm scared I will never find another guy that treats me like he does.

Oh, please don't be like this.  You are obviously NOT that into this guy.. There are TONS of decent ones out there!

Why settle for one you really don't appreciate?

Give it time... get to know other men out there in the great big world!

 

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4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

You are very young, in time you will find somebody who treats you right. Attraction should at least be there. Meaning that you shouldnt at least be grossed out by him. And by your story, you are very grossed out. That is something that you can hardly overcome. Ever. So, cut off your losses now. Again, in time, you will find somebody who you will like ohysically and would want a relationship and to treat you properly. 

I agree. Also how do you feel safe with him if he drinks every day? Do you go in his car when he is drinking?  It sounds like you are settling and using him as a placeholder because you're scared you won't find someone better.

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Posted (edited)
36 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

So what do I do? Should I keep dating him and then maybe when I develop more feelings for him I will find him attractive? Or should I just end it if I'm not attracted to him?

It's up to you. In my experience, attraction can grow. But there's no guarantee. Whatever you choose, don't sleep with him until you feel comfortable doing so. That includes feeling attracted to him.

I agree that drinking every day is a red flag. 

Edited by Jibralta
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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

It's up to you. In my experience, attraction can grow. But there's no guarantee. Whatever you choose, don't sleep with him until you feel comfortable doing so. That includes feeling attracted to him.

I agree but the reasons you are not attracted to him are specific and would require him to change his hygiene habits and exercise etc. so I would move on.  If he drinks daily and smokes he obviously has little regard for his personal health.

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I agree but the reasons you are not attracted to him are specific and would require him to change his hygiene habits and exercise etc. so I would move on.  If he drinks daily and smokes he obviously has little regard for his personal health.

I was actually just editing my post to add something about this. He's 27, so his habits are probably firmly entrenched. 

Although, when I was very young, it was hard to tell how I felt about guys. Half of me always wanted to escape, even if I liked them. I almost couldn't trust myself because the slightest thing made me want to run screaming.

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3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I was actually just editing my post to add something about this. He's 27, so his habits are probably firmly entrenched. 

Although, when I was very young, it was hard to tell how I felt about guys. Half of me always wanted to escape, even if I liked them. I almost couldn't trust myself because the slightest thing made me want to run screaming.

That's how I feel! It is so hard for me to tell how I actually feel. When I'm with him I have a great time, but the hygiene and health habits really gross me out. I don't know if I'm being too picky or if these are real red flags that I should run away screaming for.

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I don't like that he begged and begged after you said no, until you gave in. That's another red flag. 

You are 20. The world is your oyster, and all kinds of men are going to want to date you. Some are going to be pushy about it, and unfortunately as a young woman you are faced with learning to put up strong boundaries fast. Otherwise pushy guys are going to take advantage of you, worming their way in because you are trying to be "nice". 

There's nothing nice nor respectful about pushy. And he doesn't take care of himself. Don't settle. 

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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I don't like that he begged and begged after you said no, until you gave in. That's another red flag. 

Great point. That stood out to me, too.

Be honest with yourself. Do you actually like him, or are you with him because he pressured you (and now you have the added pressure of working together)?

Edited by Jibralta
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5 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

I don't know if I'm being too picky or if these are real red flags that I should run away screaming for.

I get it.

I will say that as I got older, I got less flighty, and better at figuring out what I wanted.

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Ditto. Break up with him and cut your losses. He'll find someone else who will be happy and okay with what he does. Not you.

Fyi,I dated someone similar and actually got to go to his place. It was seriously dirty and the sex turned out to be awful 😕 (and fyi poor hygiene applies to down there too) So, don't. Just don't stick around. The more you stay, the harder it'll be for you to leave him.

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13 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

You are 20. The world is your oyster, and all kinds of men are going to want to date you. Some are going to be pushy about it, and unfortunately as a young woman you are faced with learning to put up strong boundaries fast.

You are so right about this. I know that I tend to be a push over because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I need to be stronger in my convictions and stand up for myself so that I don't get taken advantage of. Thank you!

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11 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

You are so right about this. I know that I tend to be a push over because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I need to be stronger in my convictions and stand up for myself so that I don't get taken advantage of. Thank you!

I think it's quite common, especially when first starting out dating as a young woman. There's so much attention and pressure put on us so quickly, and it can be a lot. 

This time right now is for you to figure all this out. Take your time. Have fun. And when someone pressures you, practise your assertiveness. It'll serve you well. No one has a special right to date you because "they really, really want to". You date who you want. 🙂

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I could not date someone I am not attracted to. 

Don't force yourself to stay with him just because you are worried you will not find someone else to date. That's not fair to him, and it's not fair to yourself

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Oh no. Most certainly not. Both of you deserve to be happy and unable to keep your hands off of each other. This is no good at all. Don't settle but be kind about it. Let him know you're not compatible. Move on.

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UPDATE: Thank you to everyone for all of your advice and kind words! I think that the health and hygiene issues that he has are definitely red flags that I shouldn't have to look past. I think that I got pressured into dating him even though I am not attracted to him because he was so persistent and I tend to be a push over. Also, it is not fair to him to continue stringing him along when I know this is how I feel. 

We both have off work tomorrow, so I am going to go talk to him in person and tell him that I need to stay true to my beliefs, I don't date my coworkers, and I only want to be friends with him. I could be honest with him about all the other stuff, but I think that would cross the line into just being mean. I know that he will try to persuade me otherwise, but I know I need to work on my assertiveness, so I will be sure to not give in to him.

Thank you all again! ❤️

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9 minutes ago, punkrock17 said:

UPDATE: Thank you to everyone for all of your advice and kind words! I think that the health and hygiene issues that he has are definitely red flags that I shouldn't have to look past. I think that I got pressured into dating him even though I am not attracted to him because he was so persistent and I tend to be a push over. Also, it is not fair to him to continue stringing him along when I know this is how I feel. 

We both have off work tomorrow, so I am going to go talk to him in person and tell him that I need to stay true to my beliefs, I don't date my coworkers, and I only want to be friends with him. I could be honest with him about all the other stuff, but I think that would cross the line into just being mean. I know that he will try to persuade me otherwise, but I know I need to work on my assertiveness, so I will be sure to not give in to him.

Thank you all again! ❤️

Be much briefer.  “I really enjoyed our time together and I’m not interested in dating more right now “.  If he pressures for a reason say the coworker thing.  Being a pushover is not fair or nice.  It’s behaving a certain way out of fear and that’s self absorbed.  If you really care about not hurting someone’s feelings you express yourself directly and with tact.  Meaning you don’t over share or say something hurtful and “well I was just being honest “ - he knows he drinks and smokes and doesn’t keep himself clean enough.  You don’t need to share that with him. On the other hand hanging out with someone because you’re “afraid “ of hurting their feelings ends up hurting their feelings later.  He’ll get more attached to you and feel that you lead him on.  I’m glad you’re going to end it. 

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Others have said it.  Too many red flags.  I wouldn't be interested in someone who was extremely messy, didn't exercise, smoked, and drank daily.   No thank you.  Not to mention you don't know how often he showers.  Why would you have sex with this man???

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8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Being a pushover is not fair or nice.  It’s behaving a certain way out of fear and that’s self absorbed.

I agree that going out with him because I feel bad saying no or because I'm scared to reject him was not the right thing to do and I feel bad about doing that. But it also was not right for him to beg me so much to the point where I felt like I had to say yes. Regardless, I definitely have to take some of the blame for taking this farther than it should have gone.

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7 hours ago, punkrock17 said:

Regardless, I definitely have to take some of the blame for taking this farther than it should have gone.

It's not that big of a deal. We're all living and learning, here. As Maya Angelou said, "When you know better, you do better."

 

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18 hours ago, punkrock17 said:

I (F20) recently started dating my coworker (M27). I originally didn't want to because I know that dating someone you work with never goes well, but he begged and begged until I finally agreed to go on a date with him.

Do you perceive this as sexual harassment? Coworkers are not supposed to badger you for dates.

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22 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also how do you feel safe with him if he drinks every day? Do you go in his car when he is drinking?  It sounds like you are settling and using him as a placeholder because you're scared you won't find someone better.

I feel safe with him because I feel like he would never let anything bad happen to me, he will always stand up for me, and he is really patient with me and helping me learn new things at work since he has been there for years and I just started. But I forgot to mention that he never drives and just Ubers everywhere because he is always drinking 🙃 When we go out, I drive.

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22 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I dated someone similar and actually got to go to his place. It was seriously dirty and the sex turned out to be awful 😕 (and fyi poor hygiene applies to down there too) So, don't. Just don't stick around.

It's great to hear advice from someone who was in a similar situation. Thank you!

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