How do I get someone off the pedestal I put them on?

[danielleloren]

Hi guys, 

TLDR; Doc 12 years older than me (nurse) ended things because he felt pressure to act a certain way towards me (not pressured by me - but "pressure") he stated. He told me the feelings for me were very strong in the beginning but started to fizzle because of this pressure. I can't help but blame myself. 

back again.. I had a previous post here about a Doctor who is 12 years older than me that I was seeing for 3 months. Unfortunately he decided to end things and I'm having a hard time. I've been trying to remind myself he isn't who I thought he was. I.e. drug abuse, drinking problem, etc. But, for some reason I just sit here and fixate on the good times we had and how he ended things with me. Please give me some insight to moving forward on this one.

I'm sorry if you've already read my story - I'm not sure the rules on "updates"

So I work in a hospital and had my very own Grey's Anatomy which I will now say is not my greatest idea. I am a 26 year old nurse and happened to notice a new doctor on the unit and from then on I could not get him off my mind. I've never had a situation where I was infatuated and interested in someone without even speaking to them. I had a boyfriend who treated me awful at the time, and I guess in my own mind I created this doctor to be everything my boyfriend wasn't, kind, hard working, etc. I found myself often daydreaming and creating scenarios in my head with this man and I realized how clearly unhappy I was in my relationship so I ended things and moved out of my exes. My ex was into smoking weed to the point where he was unemployed and playing video games for 16 hours a day, this doctor at work not only caught my attraction but I feel as though I made him into my dream man in my own head. I thought about this man daily for a year straight. For months I would go to work and make small talk with this Dr, but nothing serious ever came of it. I had no idea that he was 38 and a lot of other things going on.

fast forward to February and a mutual friend at work, this Dr and I made plans to go skiing. The one friend bailed and the doctor told me he would still like to hangout... I've never been so excited. He told me we were going for dinner, he had reservations and would be picking me up. We went to a very nice restaurant and had great conversation. We began hanging out every single weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Due to Covid, we could no longer go on dinner dates and ended up ordering takeout most nights, going for drives to the mountains or walks through the city. We would sleep over at each others places for the entire weekend, and soon enough had toothbrushes at each others places. Since just getting out of a terrible relationship I never asked this man "where do you see this going" "what are we?" or any of that as I just enjoyed his company. Unfortunately, he works ridiculous hours and I was the ONLY person he ever saw outside of his work, and he does not even have friends in the city. The man had only been in one relationship longer than a few months. I looked past the red flags because in my mind I created some version of him that I was beginning to see was not true.

The second time we hungout I realized he had a lot of addiction issues, to alcohol, mushrooms and nicotine. He got extremely high on mushrooms and went off about how "we are such a mismatch" and stated I am a "10/10" and that even if he was 26 it would still have been a huge mismatch. My friends constantly told me I was wayyy out of his league - but I didn't care. He was so messed up he laid on the bed for an hour without saying anything, and me for the idiot I am stayed because I didn't want to leave him ***ed up and alone. I fell asleep on the couch and he told me how happy he was that I stayed the next day.

In the first couple months, he was affectionate, he would kiss me, put his hand on my leg, initiate being intimate, cuddle all night, touch me when hes walking by etc. I knew he liked me and he made it very obvious, I was so excited about where this was going. He made a clear effort to make plans to see me every weekend, and even sometimes weeknights. He would wake up early to drive me to work, stay up late just to hangout for a bit. I started to notice a month ago when we would hang out he barely touched me, we would have sex occasionally and usually cuddle before bed but not much more than that. It seemed like all he wanted to do was do mushrooms (he had a severe drinking problem and quit a few years prior), he was vaping constantly, or smoking his marajuana pen when we would hangout and watch tv. I began to notice our intimate moments became few and far between. I asked him about it occasionally if he even liked having sex anymore and he would say he's old, hes tired, he's stressed and if he has done shrooms he can't do it. I'm 26 years old and was super into him I wanted to bang all the time. I would walk around naked and he barely even looked at me. I was beginning to feel unwanted and I think he could pick up on that. We continued to hangout every weekend, the last 2 weeks we just shared a bed for 3 nights without having sex. I felt like we were just friends, not a lot of cuddles, or other affectionate moments to show me otherwise, except every time I would leave, he would get up and give me a peck. Or we would be laying in bed and he would kiss my back if we were cuddling. I don't know why I continued to hold this image of an ideal man in my head. He was extremely messy, into drugs, didn't seem to care a lot about me anymore, and left me feeling anxious. The texting had slowed down a lot, and was never an interesting conversation to hold despite me asking questions. But he would continue to text me most nights just to check in.

We hungout again Friday, Saturday, Sunday, with no sex and it felt like we were just friends. Sunday came and I told him I should go home and shower, he said "just shower here and stay here tonight"... I went home anyways. I went to the door to leave and was just expecting him to say "bye" from the couch, he said "hold on!" and got up and came and kissed me at the door.. He texted me asking if I got home ok which he rarely does, and then texted me the next day asking what I did that night, I told him I listened to music, took a bath and watched some shows, he said "we could have done that". The mixed signals were insane.

Last weekend I asked him if we could hangout this week, and he said we could, I said "it doesn't seem like you want to?"

After that he sent me a long message stating he isn't looking to mess around, he isn't interested in "playing the field" but that hes not looking for anything "serious/intense" right now.

He told me he has a lot of things going on with work and doesn't want his own stress/work to take a back seat.

I let him know that I'm not either, as I just got out of a relationship, but I would like to know that we aren't seeing other people, and that we actually have feelings for each other. The man literally dodged the question everytime I would ask if he liked me, he would say "I like to hangout with you, yes"

We met up Monday night and I asked in person, do you even like me because I don't feel it is mutual. He stated that if someone likes you, you should not have to ask... you should just know, he said "you do realize I spend every free moment of my time with you, and I see no one else". So that night, I stayed the night at his place, and again no sex, we just listened to music and cuddled.. In the morning at 530 he drove me home despite me insisting I would walk (it was only a few minute walk), I asked in the car, "would you prefer if we are just friends? because it doesn't seem like you're into me like that anymore". He got frustrated and told me its way too early to talk about this, and I had to go to work.

That evening he texted me saying I was right, and that he "doesn't act the way he should and that's causing problems" he said he felt as though things are heading to a breaking point where resentment will follow. I told him Im not interested in causing problems I just like to hangout with him. He said if we kept hanging out as more than friends the issues that come up now, will only come up worse.

We ended up speaking on the phone and he told me that he was really really into things in the beginning and something changed abruptly and he didn't know why, he said maybe it was because he couldn't go to the gym, or because of covid and we couldn't do anything other than watch tv. He said things went from being really good to being stressful, and that he started to feel guilty and under pressure. I asked him what I did to make him feel pressured, and he stated I didn't do anything but that he felt "pressure" to act different towards me and he couldn't, so he felt guilty. He said he thought it might get better, but it didn't. So he ended things Tuesday night.

I told him I could feel him pulling away, and that's why I would ask if he even liked being intimate with me anymore, he said it's because he's old, and working and stressed, and he said "who knows, maybe it is my own self confidence issue that I can't keep up with you". I always made it very obvious I was attracted to him and that I had feelings for him. I would always cuddle up to him, or play with his hair while he was driving, or put my hand on his back. I found myself feeling very anxious when I would leave his place after the weekend though because I was unsure where we stood. He reinforced how much he enjoys hanging out with me and that we always have a lot of fun together, but that he felt this pressure to treat me a certain way.

I could use some help understanding that because I felt as though I never asked him to treat me a certain way. I'm confused as to why I am feeling so heartbroken over the loss of this man, I recognize that I have very strong feelings for him, but I'm not sure if they are for the man I made up in my head, or the man who was right in front of me. I'm feeling very rejected by the whole thing as he stated that he really liked me and was into me in the beginning, and for some reason things fizzled out. He said maybe we hungout too much too fast, or maybe the spark was just so strong that it died even faster. He said he wished it didn't, but I guess that's the reality of it. I find myself beating myself up about getting rejected by a guy who really did not even treat me all that well. How do I move forward from this?

Why did I ignore the red flags? the drugs, how he's never dated anyone except for maybe a year (which he told me lasted 6 months longer than it should have), how he isn't even that nice to me, the addiction to work

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, danielleloren said:

12 years older than me that I was seeing for 3 months. Unfortunately he decided to end things and I'm having a hard time. I've been trying to remind myself he isn't who I thought he was. I.e. drug abuse, drinking problem, etc. But, for some reason I just sit here and fixate on the good times we had

Yeah, this we often do.

1) it was for only 3 months.. and in this time (after the honeymoon phase), it is common things come to an end 😕 . He just wasn't feeling it...

2) He is 12 yrs older than you- so he had that 'attraction'.. but that was it. So, he took advantage of that... But, when he most likely came to realize an actual 'relationship' takes time & energy & is expected to build- he felt he could not handle that.

Sadly, we become more emotionally invested faster than they do. 😕

Yes, a good way to see this as how you've already stated.. His track record & drug use.  He's almost 40 and has never truly had a long-term, successful relationship.

I would say you did 'build him up' in your mind (fantasizing) before you ever experienced him.

So, now you need to work on crashing that.

How I do it, (repeatedly) is I keep reminding myself of the bad stuff.  How much of an idiot HE is. ( Not me).  I'm the nice one.. I'm the decent one.. I never 'used' him!  etc. I also try to use some 'hate' in there- trying to convince my brain how 'bad' he really was for me.

It just takes some time... time to turn it all around.

And. might I suggest you take some real down time... to look at all that's happened with YOU.  You left a crappy relationship then go involved with this guy.

I think you need to slow it all down and work on accepting all that's gone on in your life.. work on healing and getting your own self 'back to good'.

Give it some time.. it'll fade ( and pls don't get involved with those at your workplace) 😉 

 

[Lambert]

16 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, this we often do.

1) it was for only 3 months.. and in this time (after the honeymoon phase), it is common things come to an end 😕 . He just wasn't feeling it...

2) He is 12 yrs older than you- so he had that 'attraction'.. but that was it. So, he took advantage of that... But, when he most likely came to realize an actual 'relationship' takes time & energy & is expected to build- he felt he could not handle that.

Sadly, we become more emotionally invested faster than they do. 😕

Yes, a good way to see this as how you've already stated.. His track record & drug use.  He's almost 40 and has never truly had a long-term, successful relationship.

I would say you did 'build him up' in your mind (fantasizing) before you ever experienced him.

So, now you need to work on crashing that.

How I do it, (repeatedly) is I keep reminding myself of the bad stuff.  How much of an idiot HE is. ( Not me).  I'm the nice one.. I'm the decent one.. I never 'used' him!  etc. I also try to use some 'hate' in there- trying to convince my brain how 'bad' he really was for me.

It just takes some time... time to turn it all around.

And. might I suggest you take some real down time... to look at all that's happened with YOU.  You left a crappy relationship then go involved with this guy.

I think you need to slow it all down and work on accepting all that's gone on in your life.. work on healing and getting your own self 'back to good'.

Give it some time.. it'll fade ( and pls don't get involved with those at your workplace) 😉 

 

So Sad, is So Right.

We all do these things.  Until we learn.  You made some mistakes here.  He is not that great of a guy.  I mean come on.  A doctor that smokes, vapes, does drugs?  Poor judgment.  Hooking up and using young women?  Doesn't really jive with someone that is trustworthy with other's health aka a doctor. 

A guy in his forties is who he is. And this guy is pretty self centered and selfish.  You are missing the man you created in you head.  

You asked....Why did you ignore the red flags?  The same reason we all do.  Because you want what you want.  And you hoped it would be different.  Bad judgment.  Bad decision.  Bad choice.  Whatever you want to call it.  A mistake.  We all make them.  

you asked the best way to move on from this?  In addition to what So Sad suggested about self affirmation and thoughts to tell yourself.  Is to look at the lessons here.  Learn from this and it will all be worth it.  

Take time to care for yourself.  All those thoughts and concerns about him?  Make them about you.  Love you.  Accept you.  Appreciate you.

Then when you meet a new guy, use this to remind yourself what happens when you proceed with red flags.

Red flags mean stop.  It's not "red flag, wait and see what happens."  Read your post again.  You knew getting involved at work was not good.  You knew you were just out of a relationship.  Start listening to yourself. 

Also-- what is up with your friends telling you, you are out of his league?  That's not cool.  Who are you surrounding yourself with?

It's better to go alone than to go with crap.  

lastly, I will say.... in reading your post, he sounds like he controlled the whole thing.  The mutual friend backed out and he still wanted to "hang out."  Sounds like he orchestrated the whole thing. 

This guy sounds like a real POS.  You will get over this and meet someone better.  It's ok.  Live and learn.  

 

[Batya33]

Why a pedestal? You are giving yourself mixed signals by hanging out with someone who does not want the same things you want.  You can admire him professionally if you like or admire certain contributions he's made and have the boundaries in place so that you treat yourself with respect.  To me this means choosing not to interact with him other than professionally and politely because anything else and you risk going down the rabbit hole of over analyzing and rationalizing and giving yourself mixed signals.  How do you stop? By following through each and every time on the choice to avoid all contact with him that is not essential to the working relationship.

  Last week I had an experience where a friend crossed boundaries -again -this time in a really extreme way.  I found I needed validation from others (without gossiping about her -they do not know her!) as in "am I crazy or is what she asked of me and how she treated me unacceptable?"  I felt weird even needing the reassurance and validation but once I got it I made the decision to keep my distance.  I feel the pull of wanting to help her, wanting to be a support but then if I do I am risking not supporting myself or treating myself properly.  Same thing with you - each and every time you find yourself wanting to react to your feelings for this person by interacting with this person you must have something in place -a distraction, a ritual, a breathing exercise whatever - to choose not to do so.  Come up with what works for you.  And switch it up if it ceases working.  Good luck!

[smackie9]

Who cares about that, what's done is done. You learn and move on from your mistakes...rules to go by for next time: don't date coworkers, or doctors.  Drug /alcohol abuse of any kind are dealbreakers. There that should cover it.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, danielleloren said:

I find myself beating myself up about getting rejected by a guy who really did not even treat me all that well. How do I move forward from this?

There's no quick and easy fix. And there's no shortcut you can download to achieve instant understanding. But you will move on from it. And you will come to understand the situation more. It's just going to take time. So, be patient with yourself, and focus on things that make you feel better.

[boltnrun]

Do you think you're a pretty awesome person?  Or do you feel kind of bad about yourself?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, danielleloren said:

My ex was into smoking weed to the point where he was unemployed and playing video games for 16 hours a day.

I realized he had a lot of addiction issues, to alcohol, mushrooms and nicotine. He got extremely high on mushrooms and went off about how "we are such a mismatch" He was so messed up he laid on the bed for an hour without saying anything.

You dodged a bullet. He sounds quite impaired. 

 Do not ask to be friends. Unless you do drugs why hang around this?

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

If you work together be cordial and professional.

Perhaps it's time to run the minute they mention drugs, alcohol problems, etc.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, danielleloren said:

I can't help but blame myself. 

You dont need to. Its quite normal for example, to want sex if you spend 3 days weekend with somebody. You shouldnt blame yourself for stuff like that but blame him. We idolize persons in first few months of relationship. Especially if we fall for them. After a while it gets clear, "rose colored glasses" are off etc. Its important that you can see now that you wanted different stuff. And that will never work with him not willing to commit. What you wanted is quite normal in relationship. You shouldnt feel bad because somebody didnt wanted to give you that.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You dont need to. Its quite normal for example, to want sex if you spend 3 days weekend with somebody. You shouldnt blame yourself for stuff like that but blame him. We idolize persons in first few months of relationship. Especially if we fall for them. After a while it gets clear, "rose colored glasses" are off etc. Its important that you can see now that you wanted different stuff. And that will never work with him not willing to commit. What you wanted is quite normal in relationship. You shouldnt feel bad because somebody didnt wanted to give you that.

I think it's really important in the beginning not to react to the feeling of wanting to idolize -head in the clouds -but feet on the ground.  Enjoy the thrill, initial excitement and react by getting to know the person at a reasonable pace over time.  By reminding yourself that you need to spend it "over time" to see how they react to changes in seasons, holidays, getting a Man Cold, etc.  

[Kwothe28]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's really important in the beginning not to react to the feeling of wanting to idolize -head in the clouds -but feet on the ground.  Enjoy the thrill, initial excitement and react by getting to know the person at a reasonable pace over time.  By reminding yourself that you need to spend it "over time" to see how they react to changes in seasons, holidays, getting a Man Cold, etc.  

I know, but for example I am quite affectionate toward person I really like. You see somebody who is similar in every way, nice, wants to spend time with you and you get your hopes up and even see future together. So can understand OP in that way. It passes over time and you start to see flaws, but first months are like that sometimes.

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, danielleloren said:

went off about how "we are such a mismatch" and stated I am a "10/10" and that even if he was 26 it would still have been a huge mismatch.

The man told the truth.  And age here has nothing to do with it.  He isn't 60!

5 hours ago, danielleloren said:

I'm confused as to why I am feeling so heartbroken over the loss of this man, I recognize that I have very strong feelings for him, but I'm not sure if they are for the man I made up in my head, or the man who was right in front of me.

Well, the bolded part shows the beginning of some insight OP. 

Why are you so obsessed with this man.  All you do is bash him, and yet I recall you said he is married to his work and is extremely hard-working. So which is it?  A strung-out junkie or a hard working professional who may indeed be tired after putting in long hours.

5 hours ago, danielleloren said:

I would always cuddle up to him, or play with his hair while he was driving, or put my hand on his back. I found myself feeling very anxious when I would leave his place after the weekend though because I was unsure where we stood.

You really were over-doing it OP. 

 

5 hours ago, danielleloren said:

I had a boyfriend who treated me awful at the time, and I guess in my own mind I created this doctor to be everything my boyfriend wasn't, kind, hard working, etc

All the more reason too spend time by yourself before moving on to someone else and expecting the new man to provide everything and anything the "awful" BF didn't. 

Despite this present man's dreadful shortcomings (according to you) you are still obsessed with him.

A good in-depth analysis of yourself here would not go amiss, OP.

And I agree with what Bolt said on the other (closed) thread:

"Perhaps you are still in pain from your previous breakup. And this feels like another breakup to you.

Take some time to recover and decide what you really want."

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I know, but for example I am quite affectionate toward person I really like. You see somebody who is similar in every way, nice, wants to spend time with you and you get your hopes up and even see future together. So can understand OP in that way. It passes over time and you start to see flaws, but first months are like that sometimes.

To me that's a world of difference from idolizing.  Or putting someone on a pedestal.  In fact if you're doing that then chances are highly likely that when things settle down they will crash and burn.  Being really excited about a new person and imagining a future doesn't need to include idolizing and probably shouldn't - because you want to get to know the real person, flaws and all, and hopefully, eventually, fall in love with the real person.  

[catfeeder]

On 6/5/2021 at 9:02 AM, danielleloren said:

I could use some help understanding that because I felt as though I never asked him to treat me a certain way.

The guy already had a GF--his drugs. He started feeling uncomfortable about you noticing that he had transferred his affections to those, and so he cut you out of the picture.

Quote

I'm confused as to why I am feeling so heartbroken over the loss of this man, I recognize that I have very strong feelings for him, but I'm not sure if they are for the man I made up in my head,

The hardest breakups are with the fantasies we create 'about' someone else.

However, just as we choose to create those, we can also choose to detach by redirecting focus away from feeding them and onto more productive pursuits.

This is where committing to help friends or family with small projects or just spending more time with them can help to normalize focus and bring gratitude for the REAL relationships with do have in our lives.

Make this time about 'them-not-me' so your goal will be to lift them up rather than drag them down.

This committed time can prevent sulking and mind-spins that only serve to drill a deeper hole to climb out of.

Grief during such a process is natural, but you will heal and thank yourself later for the effort.

Head high.

[Rose Mosse]

On 6/5/2021 at 6:02 AM, danielleloren said:

How do I move forward from this?

Why did I ignore the red flags? the drugs, how he's never dated anyone except for maybe a year (which he told me lasted 6 months longer than it should have), how he isn't even that nice to me, the addiction to work

Don't see him anymore outside of work. This was fun while it lasted but leave it alone now. Stay single for awhile as you're going to keep picking men who are unavailable because you're unavailable (emotionally unavailable after your break up). You jumped from the kettle to the frying pan on this one. One drug user to another. 

Keep things simple and clean for yourself at work. Remain professional and leave the personal out when you're working together. Spend more time with your friends and family. Real friends. There is such a thing as taking a break. It would be good for you and it'll give you a better perspective in the long run.

[sadchick83]

Look up the meaning of the term limmerance and some websites that explain/define what it is.  

You have done nothing wrong by wanting to be with someone different than you ex.  You wanted to make things work out with this person but for whatever reason he is not as interested. Blame COVID, you guys were in your jammies before you properly dated which snuffed the romance out of everything.  Maybe like the others mentioned, try and date outside of your work.  

[SherrySher]

First off, him telling you that you were a "10/10", really doesn't mean anything. I mean, whenever anyone uses that term, or says things like "out of my league", I find it somewhat juvenile.

What I mean by that is, it doesn't hold much value, and it's normally terms teenagers use.

When we get to be adults, we normally see things differently where we connect and relate to someone else and are a good connection, or we are not.

But whether we connect with someone, or we don't, and whatever our differences are that makes us not connect, doesn't mean one person has more value than the other.

There are no "leagues", we're all just people trying to get on with life in the best way we know how.

As for rating humans...I mean....it's not right, you know? People are just people and putting them into a rating system is immature at best.

That being said, this man is a lot older than you, so for him to be talking like that, shows his level of maturity.

 He also doesn't have the stamina or energy that you do.

That's only one of the problems that you and he have.

You want to "bang all the time", he isn't into it and is fine with sex being only a few times a week, or even less.

For someone older, that's actually normal.

Sex does slow down later on in life, and depending on what kind of work that person does, it might be very slow. A doctor is a high stress job with long hours, so again...how he is sexually, is normal.

You two are a mismatch when it comes to sex, that can't be remedied.

You had him in some kind of fantasy for over a year. Recording in your brain that he was some kind of super hero, and the fantasy man you needed when your current was a loser.

You kept telling yourself that so much, that now you are convinced of it.

But now it's times to undo what you've told yourself and be realistic.

He's an addict (and it might be note worthy for you to spot that as you again chose someone who had this problem).

Quite often people pick the same kind of toxic people without even realizing it.

Ex had a drug issue with smoking weed all day and being unmotivated, this doctor follows the pattern.

That might be something worth mentioning to your therapist, should you have one.

It's healthy to recognize it, so you can stop the patterns and start choosing men who are healthy and not what you're familiar with.

But at the end of the day, it's YOU who has to realize the choices you're making, and why...and also YOU who has to stop the toxic behavior and start healing within, so that you don't keep repeating the same dead end relationship.

This doctor is no good for you, there's nothing more to know.

End it, not only in real life, but in your head. Heal from it, learn from it, and move forward.

The part of you that keeps on with saying.."but what if", "maybe he wasn't that bad", "maybe if I changed or he changed", etc....just tell that part of your brain to quit now.

That part of your brain is toxic, wrong and is not leading you down the right path.

Learn to recognize it, and to shut it off.

In the end, it's for your happiness and your happiness only, and I know a huge part of you already knows that this man is no good for you and never will be.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think he ever intended for this to get serious, and when he sensed you wanted more, he put an end to it. 

It hurts but it is best not to internalize it too much. It seems you had a fantasy version of him in your head, but that's not exactly who he really is. As such, it's probably the fantasy you're struggling to let go of, rather than the reality. 

[Tinydance]

Well, I know it's probably easier to think of him as a bad guy for your own self preservation. In truth I don't think he's necessarily a horrible person but he just doesn't want an actual relationship. Or doesn't want one with you. He's new in your city and doesn't have friends seemingly. He probably wanted some companionship and sex but he could tell you were falling for him and you wanted more. He probably did like you but just in the sense he found you attractive and he liked your company. It doesn't sound like he actually developed any actual romantic feelings. That doesn't make him a horrible person but it just makes him a man who didn't want what you wanted.

His drug use is concerning in the sense that it may be impairing his work as a doctor. He's responsible for other people's wellbeing and lives and if he abuses drugs too much it might put other people in danger. Although that would depend how often he actually uses the drugs. Vaping tobacco is not dangerous to his work, even if it is unhealthy. 

It's his prerogative and life choice to live as a 38-year-old bachelor guy who likes to do drugs. That doesn't make him good nor bad but it probably doesn't exactly make him boyfriend material. Just because he's much older than you and a doctor doesn't mean he's something special. 

Maybe try to think of this as an FWB situation because that's what this was unfortunately. I don't think this really had any relationship potential.

Can I also just point out, that whole "I'm not into sex with you coz I'm old" thing sounds like a bs excuse. 38 is not THAT old. I'm a female and I'm 36. I have a high sex drive and if I'm really into someone there is no way I'd pass up sex with them. If they were naked in front of me I'd jump on them so fast!!

I know it's probably not what you want to hear but it's that old saying "he's just not that into you". I'm not trying to be rude but maybe if you come to the realisation that he wasn't really into you, it might actually help.

Why do you want someone who doesn't want you? You can find a guy who's crazy about you and can't wait to make you his girlfriend.

The doctor said you're 10/10, you're clearly hot! And you have a good heart because you're a nurse. I'm sure you'll find the right guy and if you parade in your sexy nurse outfit he won't be too old to bang you!

[rchubn]

You're better off. Matter of fact, he sounds like he has someone psychotic ego disorder. 

He doesn't come off as someone who cares about the pedestal or your expectations. This is someone who did all the rigorous steps to become a doctor (gets doctor praise) but lives a completely different life outside of work. He has somehow mastered keeping his rigorous job AND spiraling out of control, if he does not want to change there is nothing and no one that could FORCE him to change? Why? Because his professional path surpasses anyone in his life that could hold him accountable for his behavior. 

This is a red flag. At his age. With his professional success, he should not be experimenting with drugs and spiraling like an angsty teenager.  

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, rchubn said:

This is a red flag. At his age. With his professional success, he should not be experimenting with drugs and spiraling like an angsty teenager.  

Yes. At his age, he is set in his ways. And his disregard for his professional responsibility is appalling.