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Is a break leading to a break up?


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Hi 🙂

my boyfriend and I were in a relationship for almost a year. The past 2 months we have been arguing about little things, our relationship started going downhill. He wanted to take a break because he wants to focus on himself and college. He said "once I finish with college (3 months left) I'll come back". The thing is he's on social media 24/7, in a group chat (where i am as well) he's sending messages all the time. I thought he wanted to focus on college? He has time for others but not for me? I mean yes we did take a break but come on, focus on college like you said. I am now struggling with a UTI that I got because of him 2 weeks ago, it was better and now it came back, doctors told me that I have a kidney infection now, because the bladder infection spread to my kidney , and I want to tell him but i will probably come off as being annoying and not sticking to the break plan. I'm honestly so frustrated with this situation, i don't know what to do anymore. For every advice i am very thankful. 

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Why are you sleeping with him if you are on a break?

Sounds like he just wants to be able to do what he wants, while you wait for him to decide he wants you.  

I'd dump this guy.  

Also-- always pee after sex and drink cranberry juice.  That will help reduce UTIs 

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6 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Why are you sleeping with him if you are on a break?

Sounds like he just wants to be able to do what he wants, while you wait for him to decide he wants you.  

I'd dump this guy.  

Also-- always pee after sex and drink cranberry juice.  That will help reduce UTIs 

we haven't slept while on a break that was before the break. I'm just mad because I feel that "I'll come back" is a lie 😕

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1 hour ago, irina said:

The past 2 months we have been arguing about little things, our relationship started going downhill. He wanted to take a break because he wants to focus on himself and college.

I am now struggling with a UTI that I got because of him 2 weeks ago

Do you mean he gave you an STD? Or simply sex led to this?

Unfortunately, yes, "break' and "I need to focus on myself" are ways to breakup but  it is not honest and in an effort to avoid drama and let you down easy, he's giving you false hope.

Take care of your health and  talk to trusted adults. End it and delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

He's dating girls at college so don't be the hometown backup plan.

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So don’t sit around and wait for someone. If he wants a break from you and not the social media group chats/people, doesn’t that tell you all you need to know? He is politely telling you to go away, give him space, and let him figure out what he wants. It’s not that polite of him to say “I’ll come back”. Because he doesn’t actually know if he will. So there you are, a yo yo on a string, waiting for him to pull you back in. Or he does come back, after he has been “free” from doing boyfriend things. He gets a break from commitment and then gets to come back if he feels like it. I mean, sometimes breaks are necessary for people to decide what they want. But most times, it’s a nice way of getting out of the situation. 
I also don’t think it’s fair of you to blame him for your UTI either. Yes, you had sex with him and it resulted in a UTI. You would be just as guilty. Plus it was more of your responsibility to pee after sex, drink adequate water, etc. A UTI is not an STD. I often get UTI’s that result in kidney infections because I don’t drink water often (I know, terrible), but also because I often get kidney stones. I could blame my partner, but it’s not his fault lol 

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2 hours ago, irina said:

He wanted to take a break because he wants to focus on himself and college. He said "once I finish with college (3 months left) I'll come back". The thing is he's on social media 24/7, in a group chat (where i am as well) he's sending messages all the time. I thought he wanted to focus on college? He has time for others but not for me?

Right.. he wants a break from you.

 

No guarantee he will come back.. BUT, in the meanwhile, to NOT bother him, at all.

You do that & it will push him away even further. 😕 .

So, respect his wishes, and if he wants to contact you, he knows where you are.

Do your own thing... keep your distance. He wants his time and you should as well.  Go hang with friends.. have a hobby? 

 

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He asked for a break. Don't have sex with him anymore. You're a booty call only unfortunately. If you're up for that, that's fine but I don't recommend it if you still have feelings for him. Consider this over in terms of a relationship. It's disrespectful the way he's treated you.

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He may have meant it when he said it but many many people focus intensely on college and have the time and desire to be with their partner.  I also had a kidney infection from a UTI many years ago (not at all from sexual contact) and it was awful.  I'm sorry.  I hope you feel better soon.  I'd move on from him and just accept that he doesn't want to be with you.  I'm sorry.

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OP, there are no breaks in relationships. Either you are together and working out your issues or you can't and you break up. 

A break is basically one person choosing to place the other on the backburner while they go live their life, explore other things. I know it's not the reason he gave you, but read between the lines here. Suddenly picking fights, relationship going downhill, telling you he needs a break to "study" while being busy living doing other things.

OP, call it a day on this. Take care of your health and stop being his back up girl.

Also, even if he was being 100% and focused on his studies, I'd still give you the same advice. You cannot be with someone who can't handle relationships when life gets busy or hard. What would happen if you were married with kids and his job was demanding more from him? Divorce? Take a break from being a husband and a father? It doesn't work like that.

When someone shows you shady behavior, thank them for that and walk away from them. Never agree to "a break".

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58 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

What would happen if you were married with kids and his job was demanding more from him? Divorce? Take a break from being a husband and a father? It doesn't work like that.

this was exactly my thought. I even talked to my friend she had the same problem as me but they kept fighting for their relationship and were mature about it. It's just sad he doesn't want to try, and the only solution for him is a break. We talked about marriage and stuff and this happened... it's so heartbreaking to me 

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14 minutes ago, irina said:

this was exactly my thought. I even talked to my friend she had the same problem as me but they kept fighting for their relationship and were mature about it. It's just sad he doesn't want to try, and the only solution for him is a break. We talked about marriage and stuff and this happened... it's so heartbreaking to me 

I understand that it's heartbreaking and leaving you in limbo like that is awful on his end. That's why I say don't ever accept that and make your own decision not to put up with that.

As for "fighting for the relationship" here is the thing about that - healthy relationships don't need to be fought for. It's not a badge of honor, it's your clue that the relationship isn't working and that the two of you aren't quite compatible. Your friend's situation isn't really a good example of how things should work.

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Posted (edited)

Yes.  There are breaks.  My ex and I did it at least once.  For a month. No contact and no dating others. Yes we ended up breaking up eventually but the break was good for a reset and for me - who asked for it - to see if I missed him and how much and why.   I was having doubts about whether he was the one and needed space on my own - that was what I thought and that is exactly what I did.   We did not break up. I didn’t use it to see if the grass was greener because I dated no one nor did I try to date anyone. 

Edited by Batya33
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20 hours ago, irina said:

this was exactly my thought. I even talked to my friend she had the same problem as me but they kept fighting for their relationship and were mature about it. It's just sad he doesn't want to try, and the only solution for him is a break. We talked about marriage and stuff and this happened... it's so heartbreaking to me 

This is just talk and should never be taken as a promise. You were in the honeymoon stage where you are infatuated but it does wear off. And when it does either the love deepens, or feelings fade. So sorry you got the shi%$## end of the breakup.

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Very few couples come back successfully from a break, in my observation and experience. 

Yes, there are rare exceptions. But that's just it - they are exceptions. Most couples who take a break either end in a break-up, or they reconcile just to finally break up over the issues that were never resolved or hurt feelings resulting from the first break. 

I am sorry, OP. He sounds like a typical young person who enjoyed the relationship and was maybe a bit infatuated, but is not really ready to commit long-term. 

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