Toxic Sibling

[Cherylyn]

13 hours ago, Eliza84 said:

Yes, it's gotten to the point where she's just pushed and pushed me. I've lost my temper at her a few times recently because she's just unrelenting. It doesn't feel good to lose it, and I've regretted snapping at her and telling her it's enough, because it's just more for her to use as leverage against me...but I've hit a breaking point with her. I'm just so frustrated, because I have tried to be the bigger person for so long, and I am just sick of her treating me badly, and sick of my parents thinking that I need to be the one to somehow solve this when it's her that needs to figure out how to deal with her emotions with grace and dignity.

Even though it's hard, always be the bigger person.  This is what self control is.  You can't control other people.  However, you can always control yourself.

I too have met my breaking point, exploded in anger, had bad confrontations and the worst part was, it didn't solve anything.  Everyone felt bad especially me and days after were even worse with awkwardness.  Being impulsive with reactive anger is never worth it.  Always think before you say, write and act.  You'll thank yourself later and you won't have any regrets. 

Always take the higher road and show class even when you're challenged during difficult situations.  It's better to walk away.  Make yourself less available as anyone's verbal punching bag.  Play your cards smart. 

You handle yourself with grace and dignity by not engaging in stupidity because it's beneath you and a tremendous waste of your time and energy.  Never lower yourself by engaging because you're simply adding fuel to the fire. 

You snuff it out by walking away no matter how many times you have to do it.  You can still be respectful and well mannered while maintaining a safe, cool distance.  I do this all the time with people whom I do not admire and it works.

Focus on your own life, visit less frequently, make your visits extremely brief and learn to disengage.  Detach yourself emotionally and you will think and act smarter.  Don't feel defeated.  Outsmart them by becoming a shrewd person.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It's normal unfortunately.  I love this lady's advice from here... but in short, this is what she says:

"Desperate parents tend to side with difficult children over their more easy-going kids."

You know.  Wow.  I love how this is put.  Or they just ignore the easygoing kid because the other one sucks up all the attention.  
I like maritalbliss suggestions and Cherylyn.  I’m very sorry you’re in this situation.

 I adore my sister but I was more easygoing - could entertain myself quietly with a book for hours and my sister was the drama queen. Hyper sensitive and attracted to extremes. She and my mom came over once.  To hang with me and my baby son.  They only could stay a few hours.  As soon as they arrived my sister wanted to go across the street to buy herself fruit - because I didn’t have the particular fruit she wanted (she’s very picky about her diet).  My mother got up to go with her.  Daylight. Safe neighborhood.   Sister in her 50s and mom of four grown kids.  But her reflexive knee jerk reaction was my sister came first - heaven forbid she go to the corner grocery store by herself.  I stood up for myself and said you just got here and you can’t stay long.  Don’t you want to see your grandson ??

But it’s like autopilot harkening back to when we were kids and my sister was so much more needy.  Old habits die hard.  It’s frustrating!!  I’m sorry. 

[Rose Mosse]

12 hours ago, Eliza84 said:

Yes, I agree, I am sick of being caught in this dysfunctional cycle of her lashing out and then all of us having to dance around her feelings and walk on eggshells, cater to her needs etc. I know they do it because it's just too stressful for them to try and challenge her. The only way things will get better is when my sister takes some accountability and is able to self-reflect and work on her issues. I don't know if she will ever get to the place of realizing that she needs to do that though...her default is to shame and blame others so that she doesn't have to hold herself accountable or own up to her issues.

Distance yourself then. Your priority is to maintain your peace of mind. What she does or how she conducts herself is a reflection of her only. Keep on with your ongoings, independent of what goes on in that house. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Eliza84 said:

 all of us having to dance around her feelings and walk on eggshells, 

Very true. Often a dysfunctional family designates a black sheep as part of the dynamic.

However you can all walk on eggs, but all of you are involved in this dysfunction.

It would be best to talk to your therapist about your role in the over enmeshed dynamic and find better ways to cope and establishe better boundaries from the whole bunch, not just the appointed black sheep.

Read up on dysfunctional family dynamics. Everyone plays a role in these dramas... including you. 

For example, you might be in the victim/martyr role who "tolerates" the black sheep.

Until you see that all of you are part of this, you'll always be stuck in your role.