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Controlling Behavior


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15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You don't still believe he "loves" you, do you? No man who loves you would do any of the things he does.

File a police report regarding the damage to the house.  You must report this. Also notify your attorney and file the order of protection today.

What did you and the therapist discuss? When is your next appointment? 

No, I don't believe he loves me.

My daughter went to the house last night and called the police and reported it.  I was at my mom's an hour away.

I did not make it to the appointment.  After he starting acting insane, I decided to go to my mom's and so I left work and went straight home and grabbed some clothes and things.  I'm glad I didn't go because he would have been at the house waiting for me when I got home if I did.  I met him headed to my house as I was leaving.  I have to reschedule it.

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So you do have somewhere to go? You said before you had nowhere to go and that's why you stay with him. 

You could have someone go with you to get a few necessities from the house and return to your mother's to stay. 

Also, have you in fact retained an attorney? Are you filing the order of protection today? And are you still talking to your husband? 

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Just now, boltnrun said:

So you do have somewhere to go? You said before you had nowhere to go and that's why you stay with him. 

You could have someone go with you to get a few necessities from the house and return to your mother's to stay. 

Also, have you in fact retained an attorney? Are you filing the order of protection today? And are you still talking to your husband? 

My mother lives an hour away.  I couldn't go there with the kids because of school.

I have not retained an attorney yet.  When I get the money, I will.  Yes, I am going to call about an order of protection but I doubt they'll give it to me.  No, I'm not talking to him.

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15 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

My mother lives an hour away.  I couldn't go there with the kids because of school.

I have not retained an attorney yet.  When I get the money, I will.  Yes, I am going to call about an order of protection but I doubt they'll give it to me.  No, I'm not talking to him.

You should look into pro-bono attorneys. There are many out there for cases just like yours- for domestic violence cases or hotly contested divorces with an abusive partner. 

Why do you "doubt they'll give it to you"?  You can get an order of protection by just telling them about trashing the house, threatening your children, and that he said he's going to " ruin your life"- that is more than enough to get you an order of protection.  You do not have to be divorced or even filed yet.  

OP, what everyone has already written to you ought to be proof to you that EVERYONE thinks he is abusive.  Why do you still doubt that the law will?  The law is really on your side in your case, you just have to seek it out.   

Best of luck to you and please do everything you can to keep yourself and your children safe. 

Edited by redswim30
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Just remember the majority of women being murdered are at the hands of their partner. You shouldn't take his behavior or threats lightly. Any interaction he has with you should be documented/recorded, so you can get a protection order if you choose, and for your attorney. You can also call an emergency hotline for abused women. They can refer you to the resources you need to help you get a safe place to be, advice on legal action, etc. 

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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

My daughter went to the house last night and called the police and reported it. 

Why would your daughter go to the house? What happened with the police report? 

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

You should look into pro-bono attorneys. There are many out there for cases just like yours- for domestic violence cases or hotly contested divorces with an abusive partner. 

Why do you "doubt they'll give it to you"?  You can get an order of protection by just telling them about trashing the house, threatening your children, and that he said he's going to " ruin your life"- that is more than enough to get you an order of protection.  You do not have to be divorced or even filed yet.

Agree. The police should also be able to guide you to a local women's shelter. Worst case, the kids have to make up a few days or weeks of class. What's worse, summer school or injured/dead?

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3 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

My mother lives an hour away.  I couldn't go there with the kids because of school.

Excellent, you have a safe place to stay.  They are staying with their father, or out of school, no?

 

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In your settlement, he would pay for legal fees.  Consult with an attorney. Your police report can be used to file an order of protection.  Do not abandon the premises - you have an attorney file for temporary custody of the house.  For the LOVE OF GOD, get a consultation with a lawyer; it's usually free.  And for domestic abuse, there are so many that work pro-bono through the state.  The kids also don't stay with you, so no reason to stay in the home.

Edited by tattoobunnie
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@Mommy1995 I advise you grab all your essential documents (such as ID or passport) and those of your kids and keep them at mom's place.

Also, change the house lock if the house is yours. You don't let in such dangerous man. Moreover, you don't need money to file a restraining order. Simply go to the police station with your ID and apply for one. I'm sure there's a way without a lawyer.

Finally: keep the kids away from that house until you get protection for all of you.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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OK, so I got the restraining order yesterday.  He should be served with it today.  Also, my daughter filed charges for the items he stole from her.  I filed charges because he stole my wedding dress.  For those charges, he now has 2 warrants for his arrest.  This will definitely violate his probation so he should be back in jail for a while...I hope.  I contacted an attorney yesterday and she is supposed to call me back today.  I'm staying at my mom's until my son gets back from drill on Saturday.  Thank you all for your concern and support.  I appreciate it more than you know!

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's an ex-con? What was he in jail for?

So I knew he had been arrested for drugs and that's what he was on probation for but yesterday my daughter found his full record.  He has 61 charges against him.  Everything from drug possession to domestic assault.  I had no idea he had such a record.

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9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's an ex-con? What was he in jail for?

Yes, an interesting little nugget OP left out that I’m sure only further strengthens everyone’s assertions that she needs to end this relationship. 

OP - no wonder he was trying to talk you out of filing anything against him with the police - he’s on probation!

Edited by LotusBlack
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Just now, LotusBlack said:

Yes, an interesting little nugget OP left out that I’m sure only further strengthens everyone’s assertions that she needs to end this relationship. 
 

OP - no wonder he was trying to talk you out of filing anything against him with the police - he’s on probation!

Well, I understand people make mistakes and he said he was a different person than he was when that happened and like an idiot, I believed him.  

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2 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

domestic assault.  I had no idea he had such a record.

Really? You are so shocked by this? We don’t know him from a bar of soap and it comes as no surprise to me that he has such a record. He obviously didn’t begin his career of criminality and abuse with you as he seems very well rehearsed,

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3 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

Really? You are so shocked by this? We don’t know him from a bar of soap and it comes as no surprise to me that he has such a record. He obviously didn’t begin his career of criminality and abuse with you as he seems very well rehearsed,

I'm not really "shocked".  I just didn't know.

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6 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Well, I understand people make mistakes and he said he was a different person than he was when that happened and like an idiot, I believed him.  

He showed you who he was time and time again and your children gave him numerous chances and he blew each one of them. But you CHOSE to disregard all that.

Forgetting to pay your phone bill is a mistake. 61 counts of drug abuse and assault is not a mistake, it’s a character flaw that lead him to making terrible choices for his own selfish gain, which resulted in a number of arrests and jail time.

Edited by LotusBlack
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14 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

So I knew he had been arrested for drugs and that's what he was on probation for 

How long have you been married? How long were you divorced before you met him? How long did you date before you married/moved in? 

It seems you overlooked glaring red flags then as well as now. No, it's not about "people make mistakes".

A mistake stepping on someone's foot, not the drug use and arrests you knew about.. Why was this ok to you?

It makes it more understandable why your kids hate him. Fascinating omitting this detail through your story.  

Edited by Wiseman2
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6 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

He showed you who he was time and time again and your children gave him numerous chances and he blew each one of them. But you CHOSE to disregard all that.

Forgetting to pay your phone bill is a mistake. 61 counts of drug abuse and assault is not a mistake, it’s a character flaw that lead him to making terrible choices for his own selfish gain, which resulted in a number of arrests and jail time.

I understand I made some horrible choices.  I hate that I put my children through this.  I can only ask for their forgiveness and try to move forward.  

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Posted (edited)
22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been married? How long were you divorced before you met him? How long did you date before you married/moved in? 

It seems you overlooked glaring red flags then as well as now. No, it's not about "people make mistakes".

A mistake stepping on someone's foot, not the drug use and arrests you knew about.. Why was this ok to you?

It makes it more understandable why your kids hate him. Fascinating omitting this detail through your story.  

We have been married for 2 years.  I was divorced for about a year.  We dated for a year before we got married.

The only charge I was aware of was a drug possession.  I accepted him for who he claimed to be.  I accepted that he said it was a mistake and he had changed.

I didn't feel like one charge was something that needed to be brought up.  Had I known about the 61 charges, this relationship never would have happened in the first place.

Edited by Mommy1995
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So next time "he said" this and "he said" that, are you going to listen? Are you going to continue to pressure your kids to "forgive" him because he said you have to? 

I hope this is the final straw that will make you stop trying to reconcile with him because you "love" him and like the "attention" he gives you.

And you now know for sure he cannot ruin your life. He's a crook as well as a serial abuser. And a drug addict. Yes, he is.

I hope you file for divorce today. You have a job so you can afford to pay a retainer or at least get a paralegal to file for you.

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

So next time "he said" this and "he said" that, are you going to listen? Are you going to continue to pressure your kids to "forgive" him because he said you have to? 

I hope this is the final straw that will make you stop trying to reconcile with him because you "love" him and like the "attention" he gives you.

And you now know for sure he cannot ruin your life. He's a crook as well as a serial abuser. And a drug addict. Yes, he is.

I hope you file for divorce today. You have a job so you can afford to pay a retainer or at least get a paralegal to file for you.

No!!  I am done!!  This is the final straw.  

He called my work yesterday and told them I was harassing him so he's trying to get me fired already.

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