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4 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Like an idiot, I did go back.  He keeps apologizing and telling me he's going to change.  I talked to my 15 year old son, per my husband's request, to see what he thought about him and if he'd be willing to forgive him and he said no because after several promises to change, he's yet to do so.  If I would have just listened to my kids a long time ago, none of this would have ever happened.  

No, if YOU would have decided you and your kids shouldn't be around an abusive man this would never have happened.

Why do you seem to always rely on other people to make your decisions for you? Do you not feel competent to think and make decisions on your own?

And you actually asked your son to forgive that man? Apparently you are still trying to reconcile with him. So much for your kids coming first. Obviously your abuser is more important to you. 

I've said this a dozen times before but I'll try again. Since you want to be with your abuser so badly, please allow your kids to live with their father permanently. You can have supervised visits with them if they still want to see you.

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No, if YOU would have decided you and your kids shouldn't be around an abusive man this would never have happened.

Why do you seem to always rely on other people to make your decisions for you? Do you not feel competent to think and make decisions on your own?

And you actually asked your son to forgive that man? Apparently you are still trying to reconcile with him. So much for your kids coming first. Obviously your abuser is more important to you. 

I've said this a dozen times before but I'll try again. Since you want to be with your abuser so badly, please allow your kids to live with their father permanently. You can have supervised visits with them if they still want to see you.

No, I do not want to be with him! Yes, like a fool, I asked my son to forgive him.  If you only knew what this man says to me and how he makes me feel like I've done such horrible things to him.  I do feel competent to make my own decisions.  It's him telling me I'm wrong that keeps me going back and forth.  I don't feel like they would give me another protection order since I dropped the first one or I would do that and I have no where else to go other than my home.  

I know you guys feel like you sound like a broken record but I'm hearing you, I promise.  I'm working on this everyday.  I'm trying my best here.  My oldest son is gone for almost 3 weeks and my other son won't be back at my house until Friday so I'm there alone until then.  This gives him the chance to barge in just whenever.  He won't come if the kids are there.

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What "work" are you doing?

Why do you persist in talking to him? If he shows up at the house, leave! Go for a drive or a walk or to the store.

Yes, you are choosing this. You asked your son to forgive him because your abuser wanted you to. That was a deliberate choice you made so you could reconcile with him.

So far, that's the only "work" it seems you've done.

What did the therapist have to say? Or did he order you to cancel the appointment?

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I’m sorry OP, but I’m flabbergasted at what I’m reading. Anyone threatening violence against my child would be booted out of my life yesterday. You’re seriously still considering the kids could be “overreacting”? I’m shaking my head here... 

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Just now, BecxyRex said:

I’m sorry OP, but I’m flabbergasted at what I’m reading. Anyone threatening violence against my child would be booted out of my life yesterday. You’re seriously still considering the kids could be “overreacting”? I’m shaking my head here... 

Her response will be "well, HE says they're overreacting!!!" Like he has some kind of magical hold over her where she can't think for herself.

I too am appalled and fearful for the mental and emotional health of the children.

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28 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I asked my son to forgive him. 

No offense, but it's disgusting that you are shoving this creep down your kids' throats for your own benefit since you claim you love him, don't want to leave him and can't support yourself.

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I’m truly sorry for the mental struggle OP is going through, but when you have children, your mental struggle always comes secondary. You DO what’s right for the kids (divorce), and deal with your emotional turmoil after. That’s just what a being a parent is all about. You are your kids only advocate. You protect them first. 

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30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What "work" are you doing?

Why do you persist in talking to him? If he shows up at the house, leave! Go for a drive or a walk or to the store.

Yes, you are choosing this. You asked your son to forgive him because your abuser wanted you to. That was a deliberate choice you made so you could reconcile with him.

So far, that's the only "work" it seems you've done.

What did the therapist have to say? Or did he order you to cancel the appointment?

My appt. is at 4:00 today.

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Well things are about to get real.  I told him today it is over and I want a divorce.  He said he plans to basically ruin my life.  He says when he's done with me I won't have a job and I'll be left with nothing.

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23 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I told him today it is over and I want a divorce.  He said he plans to basically ruin my life. 

You're going in circles and according to you, you've had this same conversation over and over and over. Same arguments, same bluffs, same nonsense over and over and over.

  Yet, you never filed for divorce.

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25 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Well things are about to get real.  I told him today it is over and I want a divorce.  He said he plans to basically ruin my life.  He says when he's done with me I won't have a job and I'll be left with nothing.

Idle threats.  Keep documents of everything, every email, text, photo, threat.  Start sharing your side of the things now with your co-workers, family, friends, social media.  Act now, and he will not have a leg to stand on.  If you want your kids to trust you again, fight back.  Stop listening to his EMPTY BULLSH$T.  The person threatening you now is the REAL HIM - 100% LOSER AS$hole.  Don't ever for one second be embarrassed telling others about what is going on.  It happens to the best of us!!!!!  I and buddies have had to get restraining orders on boyfriends, husbands that are fathers of their kids, and we are incredibly, bright woman that were groomed to accept abusive as long as we did.

Go toe to toe and you will win.  Don't chicken out - you deserve a life and happiness.  But if you just cowardly go back, you will never ever ever get it.

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35 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Well things are about to get real.  I told him today it is over and I want a divorce.  He said he plans to basically ruin my life.  He says when he's done with me I won't have a job and I'll be left with nothing.

He has no way to make that happen.

Please, you must stop having conversations with him.

Going forward, have any and all communications go through your attorney. File the order of protection citing the threats he just made. Have the attorney help you with this if you don't want to do it yourself. 

And I hope you don't still believe he "loves" you. He loves hurting you.

Tell the therapist what just happened so they can give you guidance and emotional support. 

Do not talk to him anymore! Otherwise you will back down and lose your kids for good. Not to mention whatever abuse he chooses to give you.

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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

Well things are about to get real.  I told him today it is over and I want a divorce.  He said he plans to basically ruin my life.  He says when he's done with me I won't have a job and I'll be left with nothing.

Stop informing him of everything you intend to do.  1.  You don’t have to and 2.  What do you want him to do, one of those no baby please things?  Because if you don’t get the “I’ll ruin you” stuff you’ll get roses and empty promises.  
 

And just say, somehow, this turd managed to leave you with nothing(highly doubt it - it’s a classic response from a person like him) - You’d have your dignity and kids who didn’t pity and/or loathe you.  I think that’s worth a hell of a lot.  

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Stop involving your children in this decision. You are a grown woman. Getting rid of a man threatening your children should be the number 1 priority. You should be protecting them, not asking them if they think he is a "good person". He ISNT a good person, he has no respect for anyone.

This is all too close to home for me. My mother's second husband chased me with a kitchen knife, screaming at me that he was going to kill me. All I did was stand up to him. We ended up in the middle of the road, my mother finally calming him down. 

No police were called, no one asked if I was ok. I was told that I was the problem & I would be shipped off to my Grandparents house. 

He finally lost it 2 days later & threatened to kill us all, so guess what,I was no longer the problem & we all moved to emergency housing.

I have never forgotten this. My mother never protected me, never put us first, it was always the man's feelings that were important.

I finally got away by getting married when I was 19, and I havent looked back. 

My heart breaks for your children & they deserve a better life than you are giving them.

 

 

Edited by shellyf62
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2 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

Well things are about to get real.  I told him today it is over and I want a divorce.  He said he plans to basically ruin my life.  He says when he's done with me I won't have a job and I'll be left with nothing.

This is the guy you love who has just made some mistakes?

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4 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

Well things are about to get real.  I told him today it is over and I want a divorce.  He said he plans to basically ruin my life.  He says when he's done with me I won't have a job and I'll be left with nothing.

This is just more of keeping your thoughts and concerns on him, instead of on you and your kids.

 

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4 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

Well things are about to get real.  I told him today it is over and I want a divorce.  He said he plans to basically ruin my life.  He says when he's done with me I won't have a job and I'll be left with nothing.

What a creep.

Don't be scared.

He's just a pathetic bully.

You are stronger than this coward.

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4 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

He says when he's done with me I won't have a job and I'll be left with nothing.

How ridiculous. I guess he thinks he's god. I guess he thinks everyone listens to him? 

Talk about delusions of grandeur.

What a joke he is.

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14 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

He says when he's done with me I won't have a job and I'll be left with nothing.

Do you work for him? What do you mean by this?  Did you sign a prenup/move into a house in his name only? What do you mean by "left with nothing"?

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work for him? What do you mean by this?  Did you sign a prenup/move into a house in his name only? What do you mean by "left with nothing"?

I don't know.  That's just what he says.

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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

Well, I went to my mothers and stayed last night and he trashed the house.

You don't still believe he "loves" you, do you? No man who loves you would do any of the things he does.

File a police report regarding the damage to the house.  You must report this. Also notify your attorney and file the order of protection today.

What did you and the therapist discuss? When is your next appointment? 

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