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36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Gee, you think??

So you finally admitted what's really going on...you want to stay with him but haven't figured out a way to get your kids to be OK with it. Well, they aren't and they likely never will be.

I suggest asking the therapist if he or she thinks it's a good idea for you to stay with your abuser and give up your relationship with your kids. We've all said it's a terrible idea but the therapist is a professional, so maybe you would give their opinion more weight.

 

That's pretty much it.  Now, he says, I have to go back to each child and make things right.  I have to let them know that they are wrong for the way they are treating him.

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"Well okay Mom. Dad is being rude and aggressive. It's okay and acceptable to be rude and aggressive. This is how "love"is. If I grow up to be rude and aggressive and decide to hit my bf, it's okay too, right Mom?".

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9 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

That's pretty much it.  Now, he says, I have to go back to each child and make things right.  I have to let them know that they are wrong for the way they are treating him.

And you think this man loves you?

Why on earth are you still talking to him? Serious question and please don't say it's because you're "confused".

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And you think this man loves you?

Why on earth are you still talking to him? Serious question and please don't say it's because you're "confused".

I don't know.  I guess I just keep thinking maybe he's right.  Maybe everybody is being too hard on him.  Everybody makes mistakes.

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He didn't accidentally abuse you. He did it on purpose because he likes it.

Anyway, I wish your kids good luck. You are stuck on your fantasy of reconciling with your abuser so I don't feel like I can be of any help to you. I hope your kids get the counseling and help they need. And maybe someday you'll have enough of being abused and get out before he really hurts you.

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8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And you think this man loves you?

Why on earth are you still talking to him? Serious question and please don't say it's because you're "confused".

^ I was thinking the same thing.  WHAT to you about this man is worth it?  

He does wrong and expects YOU to make it "right?"  And he expects you to pick him over your children?!?!?!   Abuser wants people to do that- sever relationships with everyone but THEM in your life and rest assured if you choose him, that IS what will happen.  Your kids may not want a relationship with you. 

OP,  what would you expect him to say? No one EVER says " They are right to shun me"- but sometimes people ARE right to shun certain individuals and in this case, your kids are 100% right and HE is wrong! And abusers almost never admit they are abusive, they make excuses and blame others.   

 

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3 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

^ I was thinking the same thing.  WHAT to you about this man is worth it?  

He does wrong and expects YOU to make it "right?"  And he expects you to pick him over your children?!?!?!   Abuser wants people to do that- sever relationships with everyone but THEM in your life and rest assured if you choose him, that IS what will happen.  Your kids may not want a relationship with you. 

OP,  what would you expect him to say? No one EVER says " They are right to shun me"- but sometimes people ARE right to shun certain individuals and in this case, your kids are 100% right and HE is wrong! And abusers almost never admit they are abusive, they make excuses and blame others.   

 

Thank you!  I needed to hear that!

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12 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

And abusers almost never admit they are abusive, they make excuses and blame others.   

Exactly. She's the abuser of her kids. Blaming her kids for not  kowtowing to him and blaming him for her discarding her kids like trash.. 

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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

So apparently my 13 year old daughter hasn't come back yet because she says she doesn't trust me anymore.  I don't know how to gain her trust back.  I think if I decide to stay with him, she'll never trust me again.

Do you understand why she doesn't trust you? 

 

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3 minutes ago, hoshi said:

OP. Do you love your husband that much? Do you think you're receiving that love back?

While answering, don't think about the cycle of abuse you call "attention", you're just a target in it. 

Sure, he is right. You won't find anyone like him. And that's good. You won't find anyone abusive and disrespectful. Instead, you will find someone who really loves and care about you, and respect you enough to not lay his hands on you.

Think about your kids. They love you, but they cannot forgive your husband actions. Like they said, they gave him so many chances and he never changes. Read over that again and again until it get into your head. If your kids don't like him, you shouldn't. Kids always come first. They have YOUR blood. 

Please please please OP. I care about you and I'm your kids age (14). Please get away from him. I keep coming back here to make sure you're safe and hopefully going away from him.

This is just going in circles. All you need to do is really think about your husband's intention. He wants POWER. CONTROL. TO HURT YOU. He does NOT love you OP. That isn't love. What is love in this situation? Your kids telling you all this information about him. Please listen to your kids.

Oh my goodness!  You are too sweet.  You've totally made me cry.  Thank you for your words of wisdom.  It's good to hear from someone my kid's age.  That means a lot!  Thank you again!!

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3 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

So it's right to let my kids decide whether I stay with him or not?

Common sense should tell you not to stay with him. What's the point of engaging in a power struggle with your children when they are giving you common sense advice? Even you admit this. 

6 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

I do believe my kids are very smart and you're right, they do have good boundaries.  I know they should have never had to deal with this mess.

Are you really going to do the wrong thing just to show your children who's boss? Isn't there more to parenthood than that?   

 

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I'm baffled that it would even be a consideration to end your relationship with your children just to keep that man. An abusive man.

Imagine your daughters talking about you to their friends or their future spouses. What do you think they would say about you?  What about grandchildren? Don't you want to be able to hold and hug your grandchildren or are they unimportant? 

I'm thoroughly flabbergasted. 

18 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

Perhaps you just want to vent?

Toxic relationships have a way of pulling you back in.

That would be fine if it was just her. But two of her children moved out and don't want to have anything to do with her because they hate seeing that man abuse their mother. Yet she won't divorce him and is considering staying with him because the kids are "overreacting". 

Edited by boltnrun
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If you go back to this man you will have no one else in your life except him.

Your children will have nothing to do with you, once they are adults they will be gone.

My mother put all her abusive husbands before my Sisters & I & she is now a lonely old 84yr.

The hurt & resentment is too great. I refuse to visit her, I spend my time with my children & grandchildren who l love & they love me.

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I don't want to end my relationship with my children.  He tells me it can be fixed and he won't act like that anymore.  I try not to talk to him but then he just comes to my house.  He just won't let it go.  I've told him I want it over because I have to start thinking about my kids and not myself and he says that's crazy.  I just want all of you to know that you have been a big help and I'm trying my best to do the right thing.  My mother also stayed with her alcoholic and somewhat abusive husband for years.  I don't hold that against her though.  I know she had no way out at the time.  I don't see that as being the case with me.  I do see that I'm following in her footsteps and I want to end the cycle.  

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My oldest daughter came to see me last night and we went out to eat so maybe she doesn't hate me as much as I thought.  It's my 13 year old daughter that I think will never be ok with him and I don't want to MAKE her have to be ok with him.  That's not right and I know that.

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2 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

I don't want to end my relationship with my children.  He tells me it can be fixed and he won't act like that anymore.  I try not to talk to him but then he just comes to my house.  He just won't let it go.  I've told him I want it over because I have to start thinking about my kids and not myself and he says that's crazy.  I just want all of you to know that you have been a big help and I'm trying my best to do the right thing.  My mother also stayed with her alcoholic and somewhat abusive husband for years.  I don't hold that against her though.  I know she had no way out at the time.  I don't see that as being the case with me.  I do see that I'm following in her footsteps and I want to end the cycle.  

SIGH.   Let's deconstruct this. 

1. You don't want to end your relationship with your children. That power is IN your hands. You are a grown woman.  Choose THEM. 

2. He's feeding you lies and blaming everyone but HIMSELF (classic abuser behavior)

3.  You don't have to explain yourself to him.  If you want to talk things over- talk to a friend, relative or therapist.  Every time you talk to him, he'll keep trying to convince you to take him back and every ELSE is wrong but HIM. 

4. It's in your power to end the cycle. 

5. You should look into getting an order of protection- you can get this prior to divorce.  That way, he can't just "stop by anytime"

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Posted (edited)
33 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

SIGH.   Let's deconstruct this. 

1. You don't want to end your relationship with your children. That power is IN your hands. You are a grown woman.  Choose THEM. 

2. He's feeding you lies and blaming everyone but HIMSELF (classic abuser behavior)

3.  You don't have to explain yourself to him.  If you want to talk things over- talk to a friend, relative or therapist.  Every time you talk to him, he'll keep trying to convince you to take him back and every ELSE is wrong but HIM. 

4. It's in your power to end the cycle. 

5. You should look into getting an order of protection- you can get this prior to divorce.  That way, he can't just "stop by anytime"

That's exactly what he is doing...trying to convince me not to leave him.  I did get an order of protection to get him to move out and he did so I dropped it.  I know that was a mistake now.  All that did was make him even madder than he already is.  

I am choosing my kids.  I already have.  He just won't let it go.

Yes, he says I have made everything worse because I overreacted to the way he treated me.  He threated to beat my son up one night and I got scared and so I got all the kids and we left.  He said that when I did that, I overreacted and shouldn't have acted that way.  I was just trying to protect my kids.

Edited by Mommy1995
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56 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

He threated to beat my son up one night

And you went back after that?

How can you possibly claim your kids are number one? Obviously this man is number one in your life and sadly, your kids know it.

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18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And you went back after that?

How can you possibly claim your kids are number one? Obviously this man is number one in your life and sadly, your kids know it.

Like an idiot, I did go back.  He keeps apologizing and telling me he's going to change.  I talked to my 15 year old son, per my husband's request, to see what he thought about him and if he'd be willing to forgive him and he said no because after several promises to change, he's yet to do so.  If I would have just listened to my kids a long time ago, none of this would have ever happened.  

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4 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Like an idiot, I did go back.  He keeps apologizing and telling me he's going to change.  I talked to my 15 year old son, per my husband's request, to see what he thought about him and if he'd be willing to forgive him and he said no because after several promises to change, he's yet to do so.  If I would have just listened to my kids a long time ago, none of this would have ever happened.  

You keep saying you need to leave him, but...

Did you file for divorce? If not yet, when? This week? Next week? Do you have a date?

OP....you leave an abuser by actually leaving. So what concrete actions have you taken today to make that happen?

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