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Controlling Behavior


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3 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I do believe my kids are very smart and you're right, they do have good boundaries.  I know they should have never had to deal with this mess.  I've tried to leave him several times but he always talks me out of it.  If I could just not talk to him and go on my personal instincts, I know I would make the right decisions.  I know my kids should come first.  I've always said that.  It's just that when he starts talking, it confuses me to the point to where I don't know what to do.  I know what I need to do.  I've just got to make myself do it.

As invasive as his spew of lies are, you utilize all your resources to make a new train of thought to combat that.  That’s what therapy, domestic abuse hotlines etc are for.  You have to build an arsenal of new, healthy thoughts that eventually will make a LOT more sense than the junk that comes out of his mouth.   It will not be easy and you will question yourself often, but you rely on that “toolbox”.  
 

 

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Just now, Mommy1995 said:

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.  

A therapist is not going to tell you what to do.

If you choose to continue to talk to him, there's nothing a therapist can do about that.

How many years are you going to keep yourself in this situation? 

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10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

A therapist is not going to tell you what to do.

If you choose to continue to talk to him, there's nothing a therapist can do about that.

How many years are you going to keep yourself in this situation? 

I'm not looking for a therapist to tell me what to do.  I want to know why I feel the need to stay when everything he does tells me I should leave.  I don't plan to keep myself in this situation at all.  I want out.  I just have to learn how to be strong.  I have discovered how weak of a person I am through all this.  When he's telling me I'll never find anybody else and no one will ever love me the way he does, it just tears me down and I get so depressed.

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3 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I get so depressed.

You need to see a physician about this. You realize that talk therapy is good support, but your issues seem to require an evaluation by a physician. You can do both.

Forums can't help much you because you just go in circles, make excuses, etc. Your friends and family are already sick of hearing it, so much so that your own kids want out.

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So being without his "love" makes you "depressed". I imagine being without your children, your own flesh and blood who you gave birth to, also makes you "depressed"? 

A therapist cannot tell you why you choose him over your children.

Your feelings are complex but the one action you need to do is simple: stop talking to him. But you won't do that, which is why you will remain in this situation indefinitely. A therapist can't make you stop choosing to talk to him. Only you can do that.

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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to see a physician about this. You realize that talk therapy is good support, but your issues seem to require an evaluation by a physician. You can do both.

Forums can't help much you because you just go in circles, make excuses, etc. Your friends and family are already sick of hearing it, so much so that your own kids want out.

What type of physician are you referring to?

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11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So being without his "love" makes you "depressed". I imagine being without your children, your own flesh and blood who you gave birth to, also makes you "depressed"? 

A therapist cannot tell you why you choose him over your children.

Your feelings are complex but the one action you need to do is simple: stop talking to him. But you won't do that, which is why you will remain in this situation indefinitely. A therapist can't make you stop choosing to talk to him. Only you can do that.

I'm not choosing him over my children!  Yes, being without my kids also makes me depressed.  

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13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to see a physician about this. You realize that talk therapy is good support, but your issues seem to require an evaluation by a physician. You can do both.

Forums can't help much you because you just go in circles, make excuses, etc. Your friends and family are already sick of hearing it, so much so that your own kids want out.

I know I'm going in circles.  I don't know how to stop it.

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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

He has taken responsibility for what he's done.  He just doesn't think it's bad enough for them to hate him like they do.  No, he's not in therapy.  

Him saying it's not bad enough is taking ZERO accountability.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What does he say? Has he offered to go to counseling for abusers? Has he followed through with any kind of therapy? 

You said he says you and your kids are "overreacting". That doesn't sound contrite to me.

I was going to ask and comment the same.  I agree.

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29 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I know I'm going in circles.  I don't know how to stop it.

You do know -you just say it's too hard and "but I love him" - if you stop letting yourself make those excuses you will stop going in circles.

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52 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I'm not looking for a therapist to tell me what to do.  I want to know why I feel the need to stay when everything he does tells me I should leave.  I don't plan to keep myself in this situation at all.  I want out.  I just have to learn how to be strong.  I have discovered how weak of a person I am through all this.  When he's telling me I'll never find anybody else and no one will ever love me the way he does, it just tears me down and I get so depressed.

You don't have to learn to be strong.  You have to take actions -including baby steps -consistent with strength.  As you do that it will get easier to start this habit of taking actions that are hard.  He is not acting in a loving way so no need to worry about meeting someone who loves you "as he does" -he doesn't.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

I just have to learn how to be strong.

There's no such thing as "learning to be strong." You either make the choice to be strong, or you choose to remain weak.  

1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

I want to know why I feel the need to stay when everything he does tells me I should leave.

Don't use this as an excuse to continue choosing weakness. 

2 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

I know what I need to do.  I've just got to make myself do it.

Yup.

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He has admitted what he has done but downplays it quite a bit.  He says I've turned everybody against him.  I'll admit I have talked to my family about how he is and maybe that was a mistake but as far as the kids go, they've seen it first hand so there's no way I've turned them against him.

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9 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

He says I've turned everybody against him. 

Why aren't you writing all this down for your therapy visit? You are going in circles and repeating yourself.

Why can't/won't you discuss all this with a physician and therapist? Your depression, helplessness, ruminating, obsessing, repeating yourself, etc.?

A physical evaluation could determine if there are neurocognitive/neurological disorders in addition to the psychiatric disorders.

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why aren't you writing all this down for your therapy visit? You are going in circles and repeating yourself.

Why can't/won't you discuss all this with a physician and therapist? Your depression, helplessness, ruminating, obsessing, repeating yourself, etc.?

A physical evaluation could determine if there are neurocognitive/neurological disorders in addition to the psychiatric disorders.

I plan to tell my therapist everything when I go tomorrow.

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So apparently my 13 year old daughter hasn't come back yet because she says she doesn't trust me anymore.  I don't know how to gain her trust back.  I think if I decide to stay with him, she'll never trust me again.

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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

So apparently my 13 year old daughter hasn't come back yet because she says she doesn't trust me anymore.  I don't know how to gain her trust back.  I think if I decide to stay with him, she'll never trust me again.

Gee, you think??

So you finally admitted what's really going on...you want to stay with him but haven't figured out a way to get your kids to be OK with it. Well, they aren't and they likely never will be.

I suggest asking the therapist if he or she thinks it's a good idea for you to stay with your abuser and give up your relationship with your kids. We've all said it's a terrible idea but the therapist is a professional, so maybe you would give their opinion more weight.

 

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Gee, you think??

So you finally admitted what's really going on...you want to stay with him but haven't figured out a way to get your kids to be OK with it. Well, they aren't and they likely never will be.

I suggest asking the therapist if he or she thinks it's a good idea for you to stay with your abuser and give up your relationship with your kids. We've all said it's a terrible idea but the therapist is a professional, so maybe you would give their opinion more weight.

 

So it's right to let my kids decide whether I stay with him or not?

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Just now, Mommy1995 said:

So it's right to let my kids decide whether I stay with him or not?

That's what your husband always says, isn't it? 

Your kids are not deciding what YOU do. They are deciding what THEY will do, which is to not have a relationship with him.

You've apparently chosen him. That's fine. But you have to accept the consequences of your choice.

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's what your husband always says, isn't it? 

Your kids are not deciding what YOU do. They are deciding what THEY will do, which is to not have a relationship with him.

You've apparently chosen him. That's fine. But you have to accept the consequences of your choice.

I haven't chosen him but I see what you're saying.  If I choose to stay, they'll choose whether or not they will have a relationship with me.

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@Mommy1995 if I was your kid, I'd resent you at some point in my life. When you stay with an abusive person and defend him, you are complicit in the act.

Get away from this addiction. It's not even his kids. Protect yourself and the kids from anyone who would disrespect you all 3, threatens you, gaslights you, guilt-trips you,... Consider you are a wolf family; he threatens one of you= he threatens all of you. Mom is the adult here in, and she'll have to protect and attack. So do that. Be firm. Draw boundaries. Take that inner strength and put fear aside for a while.

If you however choose to fall for his lies, then your family will loose respect for you and disintegrate. It's up to you.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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