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Controlling Behavior


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On 6/12/2021 at 1:24 PM, boltnrun said:

How do you think your daughters feel knowing their own mother gave them up in order to stay with her abuser?

You claim your children are your world, but that man really is your world, isn't he?

I didn't give them up.  He moved out so they could come back to the house.

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Look, I just don't know what to do in this situation.  I've got my kids saying they hate him because of the way he has treated me and then I've got him saying they're overreacting and they'll get over it.  He says they should just forgive him and move on.  I'm stuck in the middle.  Yes, I love my kids but I also love my husband.  

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13 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Look, I just don't know what to do in this situation.  I've got my kids saying they hate him because of the way he has treated me and then I've got him saying they're overreacting and they'll get over it.  He says they should just forgive him and move on.  I'm stuck in the middle.  Yes, I love my kids but I also love my husband.  

What you do is you tell yourself love isn't enough given the abuse.  You decide whether you are overreacting.  If you have trouble making this decision talk to a professional counselor/therapist or perhaps someone who does counseling at your place of worship.  You choose whether you want to keep telling yourself the lie that you are a victim of being stuck.  You are a victim when it comes to how you were treated by your husband.  You are not stuck in the middle - you make the choice of how to proceed.  You are in complete control of that.  Even though it's not easy. So stop the "but I love him" and "but it's hard".

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OP, any person in their right mind is going to tell you to leave your abuser. 

Of COURSE your husband says it's your fault- that's what abusers DO, OP-  Ie " It's YOUR fault that I hit you"

The only question is, do you WANT to?  It's in your hands.  It really is.  YOU decide. 

I only hope that with the help of professionals you come to realize that you are worthy of love, that you do not deserve abuse, that your KIDS really do not deserve abuse and that your husband does not love anymore but himself.  

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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

I didn't give them up.  He moved out so they could come back to the house.

Did your children tell you they are fine with him moving back in and that they are willing to live there when he comes back?

Have your daughters moved back in with you?

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did your children tell you they are fine with him moving back in and that they are willing to live there when he comes back?

Have your daughters moved back in with you?

He's not moving back in.  One daughter still lives with a friend.  The other is gone to visit her grandmother in Virginia so she hasn't been back yet.

What I'm struggling with is that is it my kids decision to decide if I stay or leave my husband?  Of course he says it's not their decision to make.

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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

He's not moving back in.  One daughter still lives with a friend.  The other is gone to visit her grandmother in Virginia so she hasn't been back yet.

What I'm struggling with is that is it my kids decision to decide if I stay or leave my husband?  Of course he says it's not their decision to make.

But you want him to move back in, don't you? Otherwise you wouldn't be "struggling".

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26 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I don't know.  I'm just trying to decide whether that can ever happen or not.

Do you believe he truly loves you?

Has he told you he loves and misses you terribly and he is heartbroken to be away from you? And that he's sorry? And he wants to talk about what the two of you can do together to work things out? And he's willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you?

Or is he just blaming you and your kids and badgering you about moving back in?

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15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you believe he truly loves you?

Has he told you he loves and misses you terribly and he is heartbroken to be away from you? And that he's sorry? And he wants to talk about what the two of you can do together to work things out? And he's willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you?

Or is he just blaming you and your kids and badgering you about moving back in?

Yes, he's said all of that.  He's apologized for everything.

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I've tried to talk to my kids about it and they are dead set on not liking him.  They've given him several chances to change in the past and he never did.  They say it's too late for him to try to change now.  

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Just now, Mommy1995 said:

I've tried to talk to my kids about it and they are dead set on not liking him.  They've given him several chances to change in the past and he never did.  They say it's too late for him to try to change now.  

Especially since he still blames them and expects them to "forgive" him without him doing a thing to earn their forgiveness.

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Posted (edited)
1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Especially since he still blames them and expects them to "forgive" him without him doing a thing to earn their forgiveness.

He's tried to talk to them and they just ignore him.   They won't give him a chance to earn their forgiveness.  They say it's too late for that.  

Edited by Mommy1995
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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

He's tried to talk to them and they just ignore him.   They won't give him a chance to earn their forgiveness.

What does he say? Has he offered to go to counseling for abusers? Has he followed through with any kind of therapy? 

You said he says you and your kids are "overreacting". That doesn't sound contrite to me.

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On 6/12/2021 at 9:57 AM, Batya33 said:

It's just hard to get away from someone you love when he's constantly telling me that I'm the problem, that I've caused all this.

This also doesn't sound like he's sorry and taking responsibility.  Why should they forgive him? He doesn't think he did anything wrong!

**This quote is from you,  not Batya.

Edited by boltnrun
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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This also doesn't sound like he's sorry and taking responsibility.  Why should they forgive him? He doesn't think he did anything wrong!

**This quote is from you,  not Batya.

He has taken responsibility for what he's done.  He just doesn't think it's bad enough for them to hate him like they do.  No, he's not in therapy.  

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2 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

I love my kids but I also love my husband.  

You're going in circles.

And your kids are not living with you. Stop shoving the creep down their throats.

They will never trust you and end up hating you as well as him if you keep defending him.

Why keep going in circles? 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Your kids are actually setting an example for you here.  They have good boundaries.  They realize they cannot control what their mother does so they make the healthiest choices they can given their ages.  
 

They should not ever have been thrust in this position, but they have and now it’s up to you to perhaps take a cue from your children…if nothing else. 

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2 minutes ago, Cheetarah said:

Your kids are actually setting an example for you here.  They have good boundaries.  They realize they cannot control what their mother does so they make the healthiest choices they can given their ages.  
 

They should not ever have been thrust in this position, but they have and now it’s up to you to perhaps take a cue from your children…if nothing else. 

I do believe my kids are very smart and you're right, they do have good boundaries.  I know they should have never had to deal with this mess.  I've tried to leave him several times but he always talks me out of it.  If I could just not talk to him and go on my personal instincts, I know I would make the right decisions.  I know my kids should come first.  I've always said that.  It's just that when he starts talking, it confuses me to the point to where I don't know what to do.  I know what I need to do.  I've just got to make myself do it.

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9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're going in circles.

And your kids are not living with you. Stop shoving the creep down their throats.

They will never trust you and end up hating you as well as him if you keep defending him.

Why keep going in circles? 

Because I keep letting him get to me.  I've got to just stop talking to him.  If I can do that, I will be ok and make the right decisions.  When he starts talking and crying and begging, I just can't handle it and I fall right back into his web.  

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Just now, Mommy1995 said:

I just can't handle it and I fall right back into his web.  

You are going in circles.  Why haven't you been to your physician for an evaluation of this? Stop blaming him for your choices.

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

You are going in circles.  Why haven't you been to your physician for an evaluation of this? Stop blaming him for your choices.

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.  

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