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Controlling Behavior


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Posted (edited)

Honestly, I think the issue here is addiction. You’re addicted to the cycle of abuse. Your logical brain says you want to prioritise yourself and your kids, but your addict brain says you need your husband in order to function. It’s not just a matter of liking his attention, it’s needing his attention like a fix. 

As long as you’re not ready to become sober from him, you’re going to keep dragging your feet over the issue of whether or not he is abusive. Well, he is [abusive] and you are addicted to it, even though you may not want to be. Are there other areas of your life that you find you struggle with addiction in any way? Do you think you may have an addictive personality? If so, seek a therapist who specialises in both abusive relationships and for those who may struggle with addictions to them.

 

Edited by LotusBlack
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Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Me thinks we're fighting a losing battle here.

Lawyer and therapist are the only answer here right now (if you really want help).

I agree. She’s not ready to kick the habit and she may never be. If she does, I fear it won’t be for at least several years, if he doesn’t kill her first or lash out at her children should he ever have access to them again. Such a tragic situation, especially for the children having lost their mother to this toxic relationship she won’t leave.

OP, he may be gone physically, but you’re still participating in this relationship by focusing all your attention on him. Despite him being gone, nothing is actually going to change unless and until you start doing the psychological and emotional work to separate yourself from him, and back that up with the legal work to reflect it.

Edited by LotusBlack
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15 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

Is controlling behavior such as telling somewhat what to say in situations considered abuse?  Also, telling somewhat what they can and can't wear, who they can be friends with and where they can and can't go.

You can get a legal answer from a lawyer or legal aid service, or a therapeutic answer from a therapist. Those are the only two opinions that count beyond your own.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Are you doing something illegal?

She said he was going to make something up and then have her arrested. Apparently the police in her area arrest people and put them on trial with zero evidence (according to her).

It's just another example of the husband's stellar character.

Edited by boltnrun
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On 6/8/2021 at 9:14 PM, HeartGoesOn said:

OP...I thought you had resolved this in your prior thread.  You've been given the same answers in all three of your threads.

Please refrain from opening new threads with questions that have already been addressed.

I'm sorry.  I was just hoping for different opinions.

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On 6/5/2021 at 10:23 AM, hoshi said:

OP. If you do care about your kids and wellbeing; remove this guy.

If I were you, I would go to a different place then where you currently stay at (so he doesn't find you.), then contact a lawyer and therapist. 

From what I'm reading, you're addicted to the cycle of abuse that targets you. You think it is attention, hence why you "love" him.

You need to start focusing on yourself and your kids. Now you're too focused on him. You say that he's gone but he never left your mind. That is unhealthy OP.

You say that he tries to make you feel like a horrible person/saying that he will get you arrested. That is manipulation so that he still stays in power between you both. But OP, you won't get arrested if you file a restraining order against him but he will get arrested for stalking and harrassing you.

Think about your kids. I would definitely run away from my own home if one of the adults started being abusive to the other. Your kids want you to be safe too. I would get upset and handle this situation on my own, calling the police, etc. 

So OP, please start listening to us and stop making excuses. You need to get away from him.

I finally got an appointment with a counselor on Tuesday of next week.  Maybe I can figure out why I feel the need to stay with him.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Dependence? Financially? Emotionally? Indifference to family? 

Financially and emotionally mainly.  I still love him.  I just hate the way he treats me.  I hate the way he thinks my kids have done him wrong by simply not liking him because of the way he treats me.

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9 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Financially and emotionally mainly.  I still love him.  I just hate the way he treats me.  I hate the way he thinks my kids have done him wrong by simply not liking him because of the way he treats me.

How is it that you rationalize that love is enough to sustain a healthy relationship in your situation -you do know it is not, right??

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

How is it that you rationalize that love is enough to sustain a healthy relationship in your situation -you do know it is not, right??

I think I'm finally starting to figure that out.

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7 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I think I'm finally starting to figure that out.

You mean you are finally stopping yourself from being dishonest with yourself.  I'm sure you've known that for a very long time, yes?  What is there to figure out when you interact with a person who treats you badly? 

Edited by Batya33
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24 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I still love him.  I just hate the way he treats me.

Unfortunately, no one will be able to help you when you are indecisive and keep going in circles.

Even when your child left it wasn't a wakeup call.

Even looking for "different answers" is not helping you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You mean you are finally stopping yourself from being dishonest with yourself.  I'm sure you've known that for a very long time, yes?  What is there to figure out when you interact with a person who treats you badly? 

I probably have known that.  It's just hard to get away from someone you love when he's constantly telling me that I'm the problem, that I've caused all this.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, no one will be able to help you when you are indecisive and keep going in circles.

Even when your child left it wasn't a wakeup call.

Well, he says we're married and no one should come in between us, including my kids.  

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14 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I probably have known that.  It's just hard to get away from someone you love when he's constantly telling me that I'm the problem, that I've caused all this.

Who ever said it was easy??  Of course it's hard.  Hard is not an excuse.  Do you let your children use that excuse on you?

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How do you think your daughters feel knowing their own mother gave them up in order to stay with her abuser?

You claim your children are your world, but that man really is your world, isn't he?

Edited by boltnrun
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