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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

I did file an order of protection and then he told me he was going to have me arrested and so I dropped it.

Do not believe anything he says. He does not have your best interests in mind.

 

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OK, so I got the restraining order yesterday.  He should be served with it today.  Also, my daughter filed charges for the items he stole from her.  I filed charges because he stole my wedding dress. 

Your kids are actually setting an example for you here.  They have good boundaries.  They realize they cannot control what their mother does so they make the healthiest choices they can given their ag

Stop involving your children in this decision. You are a grown woman. Getting rid of a man threatening your children should be the number 1 priority. You should be protecting them, not asking them if

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13 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I don't know.  I guess he was going to make something up.  You can have anybody arrested.  All you have to do is file charges.  It may not last in court but I'd still be arrested.

No, the police would come and interview you, him and any witness and they'd decide if there's any merit to his accusations. They don't just come and lock you up based on something he said.

 

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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

don't want to stay with him but it's hard to get away from him.  I know I need counseling to see why I cling to such abusive relationships.  I am working on that.

As a mom you don't have the privilege of all this "it's hard" and the useless cliches "I'm working on that" - this is an emergency when it comes to your kids.  Consider their best interests.

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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

If you lie and say someone did something to you, you can have them arrested.  I know this for a fact.  At least, it's that way in my state.  

I don't want to stay with him but it's hard to get away from him.  I know I need counseling to see why I cling to such abusive relationships.  I am working on that.

Not true. There has to be proof that a crime was committed and at least some proof you were the one who did it.

I presume he told you this BS info. Well, it's not true.

My brother was in the process of divorcing his wife so she slapped and scratched her own face and then called 911 and hung up. Police responded and talked to her and my brother. My brother was NOT arrested because it was clear she was trying to frame him. My cousin's ex wife showed up at his house and assaulted him and his new girlfriend, then told the police HE attacked HER. SHE ended up arrested, not him.

So no, what your husband is telling you is incorrect.

However, it gives you an excuse to not move forward with divorcing him.

If you want to stay...stay. But let your kids leave.

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Just now, Mommy1995 said:

OK, well I know people that have been arrested for things they didn't do.  Maybe it's just different where you guys live.

Yes and doesn't it give you the warm fuzzies that a man who says he wants you back also threatens you with arrest?

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2 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

s controlling behavior such as telling somewhat what to say in situations considered abuse?  Also, telling somewhat what they can and can't wear, who they can be friends with and where they can and can't go

That it is 😕 .

You are your own person.  No one should control you this way.  You should be able to do, say & wear whatever YOU want.

If this is your life with this person, you need to get out of that!  For your own well-being.

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41 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I haven't starting divorce proceedings.  I was just trying to get him out of the house first.

If he is controlling/abusive, It may be YOU who needs to leave- at least until he does.

Someone like this is the 'non' Negotiational' type person.. VERY hard to deal with. 😕 

 

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

If he is controlling/abusive, It may be YOU who needs to leave- at least until he does.

Someone like this is the 'non' Negotiational' type person.. VERY hard to deal with. 😕 

 

He's already left.  He is very "non-negotiable"!  He has demanded I tell my children how disappointed I am in them for treating him badly which is actually only them not liking him because of the way he treats me.

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7 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

  He has demanded I tell my children how disappointed I am in them for treating him badly which is actually only them not liking him because of the way he treats me.

Yeah, exactly.  He's a real loser. 😕 

People like this 'reflect' onto others how 'miserable' they are.  you don't need to tell your kids any of this.

So, don't.

And don't keep feeling like you need to 'answer' to him...

You give him NOTHING.,  No response.. play no head games, because that's what they do.. truly toxic!

 

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Posted (edited)

OK this is a Dr. Phil thing. Restraining orders only aggravate the abusive spouse and it encourages them to go to the house. No contact order is text, phone call, email, the house right? they know they will get arrested anyways so they will choose to get to you in person because that will have more impact. So that does make sense to me, just let him text and call, but record the conversations. AND get video surveillance. You can get the doorbell one or get something inexpensive. This will give you a tremendous advantage when legal proceedings begin. Unfortunately he has every legal right to have access to the house unless you get a lawyer involved. Either that or you pack up and leave, go live with relatives, a friend's place.

Edited by smackie9
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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

Yeh. What can one say? 

DF's advice stands, and indeed we all advised you from day one to see a lawyer.

 

If you don't want to divorce him none of this advice will do any good.

Do you truly in your heart want to stay married to him? Do you indeed choose him over your kids and your own well being?

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34 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

OK this is a Dr. Phil thing. Restraining orders only aggravate the abusive spouse and it encourages them to go to the house.  Unfortunately he has every legal right to have access to the house unless you get a lawyer involved. 

No, restraining orders don't just aggravate and encourage the recipient to go to the house - they tend to discourage the recipient from going as is their purpose. If an order is in effect and emergency services are called, they will get priority. Some will ignore a restraining order of course, and if they do they will be arrested which will usually prevent further transgressions. A lawyer is not needed for a restraining order in most cases.

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17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you don't want to divorce him none of this advice will do any good.

Do you truly in your heart want to stay married to him? Do you indeed choose him over your kids and your own well being?

I absolutely do not choose him over my kids and my well being!

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OP, I will just emphasize again that when you are trying to leave an abuser, you need two people - a good lawyer and a good therapist. Both with specific experience in dealing with abusers.

The lawyer will take care of all the communications and do what it takes to back him off and get you protection. Unlike the posters here, your local lawyer knows not only the applicable laws, but the judges, the legal climate and so on. The therapist will also be your advocate and help you deal with your emotions, insecurities, and help you sort out what is right and what is wrong and how to handle yourself so you can stay the course.

These are your two weapons and two tools that you need today. Please put 100% of your energy in finding these two professionals to help you through this in a practical way. Posters here mean well, but they are not in a position to give you the professional help that you so desperately need in order to get away from this situation and to sort yourself out going forward so you don't end up with yet another toxic abuser in the future.

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14 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

OP, I will just emphasize again that when you are trying to leave an abuser, you need two people - a good lawyer and a good therapist. Both with specific experience in dealing with abusers.

The lawyer will take care of all the communications and do what it takes to back him off and get you protection. Unlike the posters here, your local lawyer knows not only the applicable laws, but the judges, the legal climate and so on. The therapist will also be your advocate and help you deal with your emotions, insecurities, and help you sort out what is right and what is wrong and how to handle yourself so you can stay the course.

These are your two weapons and two tools that you need today. Please put 100% of your energy in finding these two professionals to help you through this in a practical way. Posters here mean well, but they are not in a position to give you the professional help that you so desperately need in order to get away from this situation and to sort yourself out going forward so you don't end up with yet another toxic abuser in the future.

Awesome advice!  Thanks!!

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31 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I absolutely do not choose him over my kids and my well being!

Then you need to do something actively to get yourself out of this situation. Listening to him, taking his words as gospel, enjoying "attention" (your word) from him...all of that does nothing to get you out of your abusive marriage. 

Do not take his calls.  Do not open the door when he comes by. Speak to an attorney and a therapist who specializes in abuse. Help yourself get away from him.

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3 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

I did file an order of protection and then he told me he was going to have me arrested and so I dropped it.

You have no basis. He is going to his own residence. That's why it wasn't granted.

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7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have no basis. He is going to his own residence. That's why it wasn't granted.

It WAS granted and he was forced to leave the home and then I dropped it.

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1 hour ago, gamon said:

No, restraining orders don't just aggravate and encourage the recipient to go to the house - they tend to discourage the recipient from going as is their purpose. If an order is in effect and emergency services are called, they will get priority. Some will ignore a restraining order of course, and if they do they will be arrested which will usually prevent further transgressions. A lawyer is not needed for a restraining order in most cases.

Did you not hear his reaction? He threatened her. You can't take that lightly. They may go to the can for a couple of days...and man once they get out, who knows what they will do.

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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

It WAS granted and he was forced to leave the home and then I dropped it.

Then leave yourself. get a lawyer, get half, move on.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

OK, well I know people that have been arrested for things they didn't do.  Maybe it's just different where you guys live.

^ I work with cops, and this just ISN'T TRUE, OP.  Cops cannot just arrest people over hearsay or there'd be a lot more people in prison.  If he did call the cops, then tell them is your soon to be ex-husband and he's threatening and harassing you. 

You need to be strong and cut off your abuser, no contact.   Please do not consider taking this abuser back, there are other men out there, I promise. 

I highly recommend you leave the old home.  Since the kids aren't his, he doesn't need to know where you are living. 

 

Edited by redswim30
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Posted (edited)

OP. I believe you said that you are joint owners of the home. Yes? Well then by the looks of it the house may have to be sold, and the proceeds divided between you.  Otherwise, unless in the course of the divorce proceedings, some other ruling is made. 

You say:

"I'd never get away from him.  He would always find me."

Come now, OP. Of course you would. Once divorced he has absolutely no call to contact you or harass you. 

Edited by LaHermes
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2 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

^ I work with cops, and this just ISN'T TRUE, OP.  Cops cannot just arrest people over hearsay or there'd be a lot more people in prison.  If he did call the cops, then tell them is your soon to be ex-husband and he's threatening and harassing you. 

You need to be strong and cut off your abuser, no contact.   Please do not consider taking this abuser back, there are other men out there, I promise. 

I highly recommend you leave the old home.  Since the kids aren't his, he doesn't need to know where you are living. 

 

I'd never get away from him.  He would always find me.

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