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Divorce after over 30 years of marriage?


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On 6/3/2021 at 4:04 PM, Meg1969 said:

We would often stay there both when she was or wasn't there (it's better than our own house). 

@ Dias, Meg said it herself in her posts from Thursday 4:04 PM, that her mom's house is a better house than they can afford with the grumpy Greek husband.

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5 minutes ago, East4 said:

, Meg said it herself in her posts from Thursday 4:04 PM, 

The thread is not about reading comprehension. Or more heavy duty doubling down and debating, is it?

Relax you're not the official court reporter,.😁

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On 6/3/2021 at 11:00 PM, Meg1969 said:

As far as I'm concerned, I don't see that there's anything that needs to change, apart from perhaps taking your mother out of the picture'.

Reading the above grumpy husband's statement (which I find incredibly rude), I am wondering if "taking your mother out of the picture" has something to do with the sense of entitlement hubby has developed for his MIL's house...To me this "take your mother out of the picture" sounds like he cannot wait for the old lady to die, so that he can get her house for himself.

There is no wonder that the old lady has made a remark that Meg and her husband do not have to live in her house so often. It is unfair for Meg's mom to feel like a guest in her own house when she visits Greece.

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18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The thread is not about reading comprehension. Or more heavy duty doubling down and debating, is it?

Relax you're not the official court reporter,.😁

There was a concrete question where I've read the fact that I was commenting on, so I clarified. I also think that in order to give advice, the description of the situation merits a careful reading, else the advice would be off the mark.

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Well bickering is about power struggles and power struggles are about egos.

Maybe you want to be the hub and CEO of the family, calling the shots and he wants to be the resident curmudgeon grumbling, etc.

You both seem exhausted by the power struggle, but after 30 years it's a way of life for you two.

It seems to only kick up before you want to orchestrate family get-togethers, so maybe you can both live with that.

 

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On 6/3/2021 at 3:04 PM, Meg1969 said:

We would often stay there both when she was or wasn't there (it's better than our own house).

Meg, the OP, said this earlier in the thread.

It did occur to me when first reading this, that perhaps Meg's husband is sore that their house is not (perceivedly) as good as the mother's house.

I still cannot understand how ANYONE could feel "insulted" just because the mother said she didn't mind them using the house but not to live there full time.  So he sulks and grumps just because of this quite inoffensive request.

I don't see any power struggle here.  I do see a man who has issues with the members of his OWN family as well.  He doesn't want to see them either, so let him sit and sulk.  

Meg's only relative in this is her 81 year old mother. 

East remarked:

"take your mother out of the picture" sounds like he cannot wait for the old lady to die, so that he can get her house for himself."

One never knows.  Maybe so, maybe not.

But he sure got himself into a right snit just because the mother SIMPLY said she'd prefer if they didn't live full time in her house. If he is that touchy about nothing imagine what he'd be like if someone got in there and squared up to him and told him to behave like an adult. 

And this:

"If, for example, he moaned that his cousin didn't make any attempt to talk to him at a party, I would simply say that a) maybe the cousin just got too caught up talking to others to realise or b) how about you (husband) go over and talk to him next time?     "

Your reply was most reasonable OP. 

I'll say it again, Meg. I don't think this is a life, not even an existence, and you need to think on what you want to do for the rest of your life.  I take it that your mother's house will become years whenever she passes. Yes?

 

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9 hours ago, East4 said:

Looking after a house costs peanuts compared to a monthly rent of a nice house in Greece. I talk from experience. I have a house in my country of origin (neighboring country to Greece). When I have no tenants, I pay 20E to a neighbor to just pass by twice per month to water the plants. And some 100E per year to maintain the garden.

While when I rent out the house, it gets me 700E/month. The difference is incomparable.

I guess it started as "looking after the house" and it gradually grew into Meg and her husband actually living rent-free in a house, under the pretense that they are taking care of it. An empty house does not require hard labor every day to be looked after. 

There seems to be a bit of confusion about the 'living in my mum's house rent free'. I didn't give all the details before because it's not actually the main point of the problem I'm trying to get advice for, but I'll explain anyway.

My mum and dad came into some extra money and decided to buy a place in Greece to have holidays in and be near us.  They couldn't find anything they liked within their budget so my husband and I agreed to help them find a plot of land and get a house built. (It's quite a common thing to do in Greece)  So, they financed the project but me and my husband put in A LOT of hard work, doing as much of the work as possible ourselves to keep the cost down.  Hubs is very good at DIY etc. and can turn his hands to most things. The truth is that without our hard work they would never have been able to get this house built.   Once it was finished, they would come over to stay.  Then, sadly, my dad passed away.  It's got a very large garden with a lawn, plants and flowers and there's no way that my mum would be able to afford to pay someone to keep that in order. (the 100 euros mentioned would get about 2 visits from a gardener here).  I always make sure it's clean and ready for when she visits with her friend/my brother and then wash the sheets etc. when they leave.  I also do all the cooking when she's here and buy all the groceries.  We pay the electricity bill, too. So, my point is that this arrangement was always beneficial to BOTH parties.  Apart from that, she would never rent it out anyway, so it would stand empty when she wasn't here.  

My opinion is that she shouldn't have said what she said (she was pretty abrupt in the way she said it) but that my husband has also overreacted.  She's very sentimental about the house because it was something that she and my dad were looking forward to enjoying for years to come.  It had only been finished for about 8 months when he died. 

Now, she doesn't have to share the house with him whenever she comes because he will stay at ours, and I will try to split my time between the two.

And it's already been decided that if he doesn't want to go to events where she will be, then he can stay home.  His choice.

And , no, we have never said that we intend to 'live' in her house. 

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8 minutes ago, Meg1969 said:

And it's already been decided that if he doesn't want to go to events where she will be, then he can stay home.  His choice.

There ya go. I agree with you that he is being unreasonable, but what can you do. It doesn't sound like anyone will change his mind, not even his own children. It's a battle not worth fighting.

As for you, I'd just advise you to spend time with your mom because she won't be around forever and make it quality time. Hubs can and will mind himself while you do what you need to do with your mom, including taking her to family parties when she is present.

As for him grumping along about his own fam, like I said before, nod and validate and then change topics or walk away when you've had enough. When he feels validated, he'll shut up faster and you can return to peace faster in turn. Don't absorb his bs or try to cheer him or otherwise take it personally. Let him do him and learn to step aside during those moments. You don't need to go against or argue him over it - that's the, "it takes two to argue", part and you need to learn to remove yourself from that.

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23 minutes ago, Meg1969 said:

There seems to be a bit of confusion about the 'living in my mum's house rent free'. I didn't give all the details before because it's not actually the main point of the problem I'm trying to get advice for, but I'll explain anyway.

My mum and dad came into some extra money and decided to buy a place in Greece to have holidays in and be near us.  They couldn't find anything they liked within their budget so my husband and I agreed to help them find a plot of land and get a house built. (It's quite a common thing to do in Greece)  So, they financed the project but me and my husband put in A LOT of hard work, doing as much of the work as possible ourselves to keep the cost down.  Hubs is very good at DIY etc. and can turn his hands to most things. The truth is that without our hard work they would never have been able to get this house built.   Once it was finished, they would come over to stay.  Then, sadly, my dad passed away.  It's got a very large garden with a lawn, plants and flowers and there's no way that my mum would be able to afford to pay someone to keep that in order. (the 100 euros mentioned would get about 2 visits from a gardener here).  I always make sure it's clean and ready for when she visits with her friend/my brother and then wash the sheets etc. when they leave.  I also do all the cooking when she's here and buy all the groceries.  We pay the electricity bill, too. So, my point is that this arrangement was always beneficial to BOTH parties.  Apart from that, she would never rent it out anyway, so it would stand empty when she wasn't here.  

My opinion is that she shouldn't have said what she said (she was pretty abrupt in the way she said it) but that my husband has also overreacted.  She's very sentimental about the house because it was something that she and my dad were looking forward to enjoying for years to come.  It had only been finished for about 8 months when he died. 

Now, she doesn't have to share the house with him whenever she comes because he will stay at ours, and I will try to split my time between the two.

And it's already been decided that if he doesn't want to go to events where she will be, then he can stay home.  His choice.

And , no, we have never said that we intend to 'live' in her house. 

As I thought initially, I know how things work in Greece and how expensive houses can be (and the culture unfortunately lol).

 

My general advice is the same as before:

Spend more time with friends without him and his grumpiness lol.

Regarding your mother, put your foot down, come on it's so silly....stand your ground, he will accept it whether he likes it or not.

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1 hour ago, Meg1969 said:

There seems to be a bit of confusion about the 'living in my mum's house rent free'. I didn't give all the details before because it's not actually the main point of the problem I'm trying to get advice for, but I'll explain anyway.

My mum and dad came into some extra money and decided to buy a place in Greece to have holidays in and be near us.  They couldn't find anything they liked within their budget so my husband and I agreed to help them find a plot of land and get a house built. (It's quite a common thing to do in Greece)  So, they financed the project but me and my husband put in A LOT of hard work, doing as much of the work as possible ourselves to keep the cost down.  Hubs is very good at DIY etc. and can turn his hands to most things. The truth is that without our hard work they would never have been able to get this house built.   Once it was finished, they would come over to stay.  Then, sadly, my dad passed away.  It's got a very large garden with a lawn, plants and flowers and there's no way that my mum would be able to afford to pay someone to keep that in order. (the 100 euros mentioned would get about 2 visits from a gardener here).  I always make sure it's clean and ready for when she visits with her friend/my brother and then wash the sheets etc. when they leave.  I also do all the cooking when she's here and buy all the groceries.  We pay the electricity bill, too. So, my point is that this arrangement was always beneficial to BOTH parties.  Apart from that, she would never rent it out anyway, so it would stand empty when she wasn't here.  

My opinion is that she shouldn't have said what she said (she was pretty abrupt in the way she said it) but that my husband has also overreacted.  She's very sentimental about the house because it was something that she and my dad were looking forward to enjoying for years to come.  It had only been finished for about 8 months when he died. 

Now, she doesn't have to share the house with him whenever she comes because he will stay at ours, and I will try to split my time between the two.

And it's already been decided that if he doesn't want to go to events where she will be, then he can stay home.  His choice.

And , no, we have never said that we intend to 'live' in her house. 

Thanks for clarifying, Meg. Given the work invested in the house project, I see how your husband might feel slighted. Joint projects sometimes cause frictions between family members, in particular when you have a person with a sharp tongue and another with a sensitive ego. It is not easy for the ones caught in the middle.

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1 hour ago, Meg1969 said:

The truth is that without our hard work they would never have been able to get this house built. 

Well, (late in the day) this puts a different slant on things. 

 

1 hour ago, Meg1969 said:

My opinion is that she shouldn't have said what she said (she was pretty abrupt in the way she said it) but that my husband has also overreacted.

Well,things do change as threads progress LOL.

 

You did say this early on:

"I'll admit that my mum is not the easiest of people to get along with and they probably shouldn't have spent time together from the beginning.   They just don't get along.  "

Any particular reason for this state of affairs?  There is always a reason.

However, she is an elderly person and he should have a little more sense!

 

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2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Well, (late in the day) this puts a different slant on things. 

 

Well,things do change as threads progress LOL.

 

 

It's the natural evolution of the threads on ENA. 

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So, OP, we can safely assume that

" Divorce after over 30 years of marriage? "

is no longer on the agenda. 

I so hope everything will go well for you. Your mother will appreciate your company and support and will hopefully be around for another decade. 

You can certainly apply the "lash of indifference" where your husband's grumpiness and complaining is concerned. I am not sure about the merits of this course of action within a marriage, but no harm in giving it a try. 

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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

So, OP, we can safely assume that

" Divorce after over 30 years of marriage? "

is no longer on the agenda. 

There has been some discussion and there is some progress in a positive direction. I've also booked to see a therapist to discuss things a bit next Tuesday so I'll get back to you. 

Thanks all 👍

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4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You are both going to see the therapist?  Now that would be so positive. 

Both going to see the therapist? 😂

Now that wouldn't just be positive... that'd be a bloody miracle!!!  But never mind. So long as things are moving a little bit in the right direction, I'm pleased. 

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