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Husband cyber cheated for the 3rd time...


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Hi guys. 
I need some sincere advice. 

I’be been with my husband for 10 years, only 2 of those married. 

After being together for one year (we were 19 at that time) I caught him on chat roulettes sexting and videoing women on the apps. I forgave him because he was my first bf and I convinced myself he was just being a dumb, horny, college boy. 
 

Fast forward to year 5 (we are almost 24) of our relationship, my best friend caught him on Tinder and we broke up for 9 months. I ended up forgiving him and we got back together. 
 

Year 7 we move in together and year 8 (were almost 27) we get married. Fast forward to this past weekend, I noticed he had left his email signed in on my computer and I decided to snoop. I found him on an app where you meet live people on webcam and you have to pay for certain features. I did more digging and he’s been on this app for 2 years—a week after we got married. For two years he’s been connecting with random, real women, spending money to receive videos and pictures, sharing his body to them on webcam, talking dirty, etc etc while I’ve been away on work trips or family trips or whatever. 
 

I feel pretty numb about the situation, like a big deja vu I don’t deserve. He is BEGGING for his life for me to not leave and is saying he’ll go to therapy or whatever it takes to not lose me. I obviously still love him because it’s 10 years and love is not an on/off switch but I’m very hurt, and a bit disgusted and I don’t know if I can forgive this a third time...especially since we are married now. 

I told him I need a temporary separation to sort my feelings out but i truly don’t know what will happen...

Also, our sex life isn’t the most active, sadly, because I’m a very active woman, and I always just thought it was that his drive was low, but now I feel it’s because he spends so much energy on these cheating apps? 
 

I just need real advice. Do I forgive and give our 10 year relationship another chance?? We are at the point we are trying for kids. Or do I gather courage and leave? 

I have no family house to go back to as my parents are not alive, and my savings is very small for me to make such a drastic move. 
 

I appreciate your insights. 

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If you stay, what makes you think he'd change and not do this anymore?  The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour.

I'd move out, divorce him and move on with my line.  Stop trying to get pregnant, you dont need to add a kid to this awful situation.

The guy is a iyling sneak.

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49 minutes ago, Alwayskind4ever said:

Hi guys. 
I need some sincere advice. 

I’be been with my husband for 10 years, only 2 of those married. 

After being together for one year (we were 19 at that time) I caught him on chat roulettes sexting and videoing women on the apps. I forgave him because he was my first bf and I convinced myself he was just being a dumb, horny, college boy. 
 

Fast forward to year 5 (we are almost 24) of our relationship, my best friend caught him on Tinder and we broke up for 9 months. I ended up forgiving him and we got back together. 
 

Year 7 we move in together and year 8 (were almost 27) we get married. Fast forward to this past weekend, I noticed he had left his email signed in on my computer and I decided to snoop. I found him on an app where you meet live people on webcam and you have to pay for certain features. I did more digging and he’s been on this app for 2 years—a week after we got married. For two years he’s been connecting with random, real women, spending money to receive videos and pictures, sharing his body to them on webcam, talking dirty, etc etc while I’ve been away on work trips or family trips or whatever. 
 

I feel pretty numb about the situation, like a big deja vu I don’t deserve. He is BEGGING for his life for me to not leave and is saying he’ll go to therapy or whatever it takes to not lose me. I obviously still love him because it’s 10 years and love is not an on/off switch but I’m very hurt, and a bit disgusted and I don’t know if I can forgive this a third time...especially since we are married now. 

I told him I need a temporary separation to sort my feelings out but i truly don’t know what will happen...

Also, our sex life isn’t the most active, sadly, because I’m a very active woman, and I always just thought it was that his drive was low, but now I feel it’s because he spends so much energy on these cheating apps? 
 

I just need real advice. Do I forgive and give our 10 year relationship another chance?? We are at the point we are trying for kids. Or do I gather courage and leave? 

I have no family house to go back to as my parents are not alive, and my savings is very small for me to make such a drastic move. 
 

I appreciate your insights. 

I  understand you feel nervous about giving the big step of leaving him, it is not an easy choice if you still have feelings for him.  I am in a sort of similar situation and cannot think about doing it either. Could he be the one who moves out for a bit so you have time to know what you want to do? He could also go to therapy at the same time. Then he will also feel you are serious about it and may try to change. 

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OP, You KNEW who he was and you married him anyway.  

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You say you don't deserve this, and I agree that you don't- but at the same time- you keep forgiving him for something that is a deal-breaker for you- thereby saying thru your actions, that it is NOT in fact a deal-breaker for you. You frankly need to decide if it is or isn't.  

The fact that you felt the need to snoop shows that you don't trust him and you know that you can't trust him.  You expected to find something.  So while you may have forgiven him for the past, you clearly didn't forget. 

Do you honestly believe he is capable of change?  This isn't a one time mistake, but a long term behavior.  I'm sorry to say, but all those times you forgave him in the past, only showed him that you were willing to tolerate it and all he had to do was apologize in the moment and you would let it go until the next time.  Therapy isn't a magic band aid for chronic behaviors.  They are extremely challenging to break and often times they never do. 

Please do not have a child with this man.  Men who are inclined to cheat only do MORE of it once a baby arrives, not less.  Having a child will not fix your problems, only add to them. 

Your choices are clear- stay with him and understand he is likely to continue to cyber cheat on you for the remainder of your relationship.   Or get a divorce and find someone who is honest and who defines cheating in the same way that you do. 

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Whatever you do, please do not breed with him. Also, yes you do need to leave him.

He has shown you time and again who he is. Therapy doesn't fix garbage character or cheating. Cheating is quite frankly a form of abuse. Enough already. You can forgive once, but not twice, thrice....and how many more times?

Please understand that whatever you catch a cheater at is just tip of the iceberg. Also, understand that he is not sorry and never has been. He is only sorry he gets caught....but not too much since he knows you'll forgive him and stay. No consequences for him ever so why quit being a pos? It works for him. Sure he will cry like a toddler having a tantrum and make grand promises to go to therapy...he's been such a bad bad boy and he will do better going forward.....are you done being mad? Good, back to cheating (mental note: hide it better from her).

You want to know what your life and future will be if you keep staying and forgiving? Check out chumplady.com blog. I hope it opens your eyes. Run while you are still free and have little to lose and don't have to co-parent with this loser.

You still have a future ahead of you, a life you can build, time to meet a decent man who doesn't cheat on you. Don't waste it on this low life and don't say "but loooove". Love yourself more because he sure doesn't love you at all, just likes to use you and dupe you and gets off on that.

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Posted (edited)

Progression of events:

First: chat roulettes sexting and videoing women

Second: my best friend caught him on Tinder

Third: For two years he’s been connecting with random, real women, spending money to receive videos and pictures, sharing his body to them on webcam, talking dirty

Fourth where you continue to stay: physical cheating

Fifth where you continue to stay: he leaves you for someone else

You don't have to stay with every boyfriend or guy you sleep with. You are young, and can do 1000x better, but you won't while you're with this creep.  This isn't love, and this isn't your fault.  He was a creep since the beginning, and you made a mistake.  Get a divorce and move onto something bigger and better than this dime a dozen cheater.

Therapy doesn't fix selfishness. He knows what he is doing wrong, and choosing to do it any way. He is only sorry he got caught.

Edited by tattoobunnie
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I'm sorry OP.

You're saying save a 10 year relationship like it's been great the whole time. 

It's been betrayal after betrayal. The worse being your betrayal of yourself.

Why have you tolerated this? fear of being alone? you think he is better than you? afraid of the world knowing the truth about your relationship?  you don't believe you can do better? 

The only person that can save you is you. Lets look at what is and has been happening for 10 years...

1. He is not a faithful partner.

2. You are not making good choices. 

Which of these two things can you change? 

get in therapy for you. something is not right inside for this to be such a dilemma. 

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3 hours ago, Alwayskind4ever said:

I’m very hurt, and a bit disgusted and I don’t know if I can forgive this a third time. We are at the point we are trying for kids. 

Unfortunately what you happened upon may be the tip of the iceberg. Go to a doctor and speak frankly about his extramarital sexual activity. Get tested for STDs and do not have sex especially unprotected sex.

 

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He keeps cheating because you keep taking him back. Why, I have no idea. "But I LOVE him!!!!' or "But we've been together 10 years!!!" is no excuse.

Why are you afraid to be on your own? Yes, I get you have tied yourself to him since you were a teenager. But does that mean you have to have a life sentence of being married to a lying cheater? 

Please get tested for STIs. Yes, you do too need to. He will swear it's all been online but you already know he lies. And do NOT have a baby! He will just use your pregnancy and the baby as an excuse to cheat some more.

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3 hours ago, Alwayskind4ever said:

Do I forgive and give our 10 year relationship another chance??

Well.. seems it has been ongoing.. for as many years as you've been together.. and yes, sounds like he's got some sort of addiction. 😕 

Thing is.. you have given him chance after chance.

enough of his begging... I suggest you remain 'apart'.. and look to divorce.. let it be a lesson... they don't change. 😕 

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This would be grounds to end the marriage for me. 

He has shown you repeatedly that he does not respect you and does not value your relationship. He never has - not the same way you do, anyway. You can't trust him at all and he has not changed one bit. He just got better at hiding it. 

It's beyond time to end this. 

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I think it's safe to say that after three of the same incidents, his only regret is he's sorry he got caught and will go on to find better ways to cover his tracks.

I'm sure it's difficult to walk away, but are you up for taking on the role of a PI, along with walking on eggshells?

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4 hours ago, Alwayskind4ever said:

I just need real advice. Do I forgive and give our 10 year relationship another chance?? We are at the point we are trying for kids. Or do I gather courage and leave? 

I have no family house to go back to as my parents are not alive, and my savings is very small for me to make such a drastic move. 

Two things here... yes get out of this unhappy relationship. And before you say "BUT there were lot of good memories and it wasn't all bad", all those good memories means nothing when you have constantly been lied to and cheated on for a decade by this ungrateful selfish creep.

Secondly, you might not have parents but you have friends right? Is anyone willing to help in letting you room with them or even a couch for a short-term rent until you get your finance sorted? Or just get proactive and look for a roommate. I don't know where you are located but in California, people live with their families or roommates so its easy to find roommates. 

Don't tie yourself to someone who has shown you they are incapable of change because then you are limiting yourself from ever finding a good man.

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3 hours ago, redswim30 said:

OP, You KNEW who he was and you married him anyway.  

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You say you don't deserve this, and I agree that you don't- but at the same time- you keep forgiving him for something that is a deal-breaker for you- thereby saying thru your actions, that it is NOT in fact a deal-breaker for you. You frankly need to decide if it is or isn't.  

The fact that you felt the need to snoop shows that you don't trust him and you know that you can't trust him.  You expected to find something.  So while you may have forgiven him for the past, you clearly didn't forget. 

Do you honestly believe he is capable of change?  This isn't a one time mistake, but a long term behavior.  I'm sorry to say, but all those times you forgave him in the past, only showed him that you were willing to tolerate it and all he had to do was apologize in the moment and you would let it go until the next time.  Therapy isn't a magic band aid for chronic behaviors.  They are extremely challenging to break and often times they never do. 

Please do not have a child with this man.  Men who are inclined to cheat only do MORE of it once a baby arrives, not less.  Having a child will not fix your problems, only add to them. 

Your choices are clear- stay with him and understand he is likely to continue to cyber cheat on you for the remainder of your relationship.   Or get a divorce and find someone who is honest and who defines cheating in the same way that you do. 

This is basically everything I would say. I can't unfortunately see any good coming out of this if you stay. Very hard to walk away from someone you've been with for 10 years, but you are only enforcing to him that the behaviour is ok if you stay. 

It's like when a parent constantly cautions a child but never follows through with the sanction- the child then becomes of the belief that the parent won't do anything so they can just do whatever they want, and the behaviour only persists or worsens! 

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5 hours ago, Alwayskind4ever said:

I told him I need a temporary separation to sort my feelings out but i truly don’t know what will happen...

...

I just need real advice. Do I forgive and give our 10 year relationship another chance?? We are at the point we are trying for kids. Or do I gather courage and leave? 

 

It sounds like he's afraid of losing you for fear of losing companionship and a safety net. Someone who presumes for one second that he deserves forgiveness after this especially after the Tinder episode years ago is very disillusioned. It also suggests that he never took you seriously as a person or as a partner and doesn't respect you. I'm sorry to say that. 

Somewhere deep down he has to figure out why he's felt entitled to pursuing other women while in monogamous relationship.

The real concern is that your self-confidence and your self-image continues to plummet along with the rest of your mental health while you stay or support someone who's trying to figure out some serious issues with the way he treats women/people in general and what's causing that. 

Come back to you and keep your focus on your own wellbeing. Don't hinge on the moral question of forgiveness. Ask yourself whether your mental and emotional health can take this sort of behaviour and the impact it will have on you overall. 

Whatever you choose, don't bring kids into the picture. This is a mess already the way it is.

 

 

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9 hours ago, Alwayskind4ever said:

I forgave him because he was my first bf and I convinced myself he was just being a dumb, horny, college boy. 

You've been extremely generous with your excuses for the last 10 years. I don't understand why. I think many people wouldn't have put up with the first time he cheated, even at the tender age of 19. Oh hell no. 

Seriously, why so many excuses? Do you think this is the best that you can get, that no one else will have you? You must have started out with a poor sense of self worth to accept this from him.

What excuse will you accept this time? What about next time? Ten years and he's still doing it. This is who he is. Your sense of self worth will continue to deteriorate, as long as you stay. 

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It is all to easy for us to tell you to divorce him and go start a life without him on your own, doing it is not so easy.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't though.

  Time away from him will give you the space you need to see things clearly and get some perspective on the relationship.  I think if you step back and view the relationship from a distance there are probably other good reasons to  think it isn't working.

  I assume you work so open a checking account at a totally different bank in your name only and start building up some savings. Next tell him he needs to leave the house for a length of time (3 weeks at least) so you can decide what is best for you.  There is no rush  to make such a big decision but you do need to plan.

 Could he change and never do this again?  Yes he could.   Will he?  Unfortunately he has already answered that question twice and both times it was no.

  Emotional cheating or physical cheating it is still cheating and lying, never forget that.

Lost

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9 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

If you stay, what makes you think he'd change and not do this anymore?  The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour.

I'd move out, divorce him and move on with my line.  Stop trying to get pregnant, you dont need to add a kid to this awful situation.

The guy is a iyling sneak.

^ This post is to the point and covers it all really well.  Worth repeating.

OP, there is no way you will ever trust him again.  You will forever be wondering what he's up to, what he's hiding etc.  No marriage will last or be successful without trust.  And please, whatever you do, please do NOT try and get pregnant with him! ALL issues need to be fully resolved before babies come into the picture.  But, I agree with the vast majority of the posts here and say you should divorce him.  He won't change his ways - what you see is what you get.  He's only sorry he got caught.

Do what is right for YOU and your future.  You're still young and have so much life to live. Make a list of your goals and what you would vision for your future (preferably without a lying cheat).

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