Ending a friendship?

[abeltasman]

During college I (M33) was pretty close to a couple of buddies (M34/M35) - we lived together, hung out together, the usual stuff. We kept in touch on and off after college but they stayed in the same city and state and met wives, had kids and settled down. I was best man at one of their weddings.

While they were doing this, I lived and worked overseas and stayed single. I've since returned back to the same city/state as them but travel overseas a lot with work. I live downtown in an apartment and they live outside in smaller satellite towns with their families.

For some time now, I've been struggling with the friendship. I feel like our lives have moved in different directions. I find it hard to have things in common with them, and I just don't get much out of the relationship (with either of them) anymore. They're great guys, but sadly I just find other relationships in my life more fulfilling. I never come away from catching up with them feeling enriched or better in any particular way. 

One of them is now divorced and the other is in full on dad-mode with 3 kids and a demanding wife, so they've been really leaning on our old college dynamic and pushing for social meet ups and constant texting. They're getting frustrated with me for not being engaged enough.

I feel guilty as hell - the guilt is eating me up - because on the one hand I feel like I should be there for them but on the other hand I don't really enjoy the friendships like I did. There's no way I can think of to say that to them, though. Friendships aren't like romantic relationships; there's no " breakup" option. I'm struggling here.

Should I feel bad for ditching old friends? Are friends always meant to be friends for life? They really aren't bad dudes. I've lived a pretty transient life, so I'm more used to meeting people for a few years and moving on to a new country/city and having to start over again. I'm worried that's made me a bit callous, in a sense. Then again, when the guy who is divorced got married he went totally MIA for a few years and threw himself into that relationship and I never heard from him (just for additional info). 

Should I tell them the truth? They're pissed at me for not being committed and engaged, basically. And it's true, I am pretty absent. I just have no idea how to say how I feel without sounding like the worst kind of person. 

Any help or advice would be really appreciated! 

[Wiseman2]

Live your own life as you see fit. People drift apart, it happens.

Place them in the acquaintance folder and stay in touch but there's no need to hang out like you're still in college.

[Tinydance]

Well the thing is that if you actually verbally end the friendships, the damage would be done. Are you sure you want to do that? At their age they can't get pissed off at you that you're not free to hang out all the time. In their 30's people are not generally as free because they just have other commitments. It may as well have been you who had a girlfriend or a wife and kids.

Just if it was me personally, I probably wouldn't actually end the friendships officially. You can do what you think is best though. But in my case, I really value my friendships a lot and the person would have to do something very wrong for me to actually end the friendship. My actual best friend got married ten years ago and had two kids and kinda went MIA too. But she's still my best friend and we still talk. We just don't see each other as often. 

In my personal opinion, having "come and go" type of friendships isn't really that deep. At least this sounds like these guys do want to be friends with you, despite that you've been away for a number of years. Sounds like they actually care about your friendship. If you don't want to hang out as much then maybe just say to them you're quite busy with ...(insert whatever). Maybe just be friends with them in a capacity that you want to be. E.g. Talk to them and see them only sometimes. If you completely cut them off, you might regret it later. I mean, you've known these guys for like 15 years.

[abeltasman]

Thank you both so much for your replies.

I'd rather not go for the nuclear option and verbally end the friendships, as you said Tinydance. You're right, I would definitely regret it down the line. 

I think there's just a tension between how much they want to communicate and hangout and where I'm at with that. I just feel super guilty about it all because I guess those two friendships feel a lot more distant for me now and it's not the same for them (or they just haven't found new social connections in their lives, maybe) 

[Batya33]

I wasn't a married mom till age 42 - 10 plus years after a number of my friends became parents- but I didn't care - if they wanted to stay in touch with me when they became parents and moved to the burbs  I made accommodations so I could see them and hang out with them - because our underlying bond had nothing to do with marital and child status. 

When I became a mom I did make some "mom friends" but I really don't relate at all to the hunt for friends who are parents, or moms, or happen to be married with kids - not in any focused way.  I don't limit myself because to me the connection is important, so is reliability and sure I've had issues with certain people who don't care to relate at all to what I am experiencing -but some of them are parents and some are not.  Like the mom who didn't understand why I couldn't spend 5 hours away from my family right now -not because my son is too young -because he's here 24/7 because of the pandemic and we can't leave him alone for long periods of time.  Or the mom who would only invite me over to her home for dinner when my son was a baby and we just couldn't keep him out that late.  No interest in meeting during the day.

People who want to relate to you will do so whether or not they are all matchy-matchy with you as far as status.  I'm glad I kept those friends all those years and glad I made mom friends and didn't limit myself to mom friends.  There's no magic in a connection just because you're both single or both married -it can matter if you're mostly activity partners because then status can signficantly affect the activity.  I no longer go out at night (I did for decades) so I don't reach out to people who want to go out dancing.  I am not a person who is going to get a sitter or burden my husband more than very rarely to accommodate someone's schedule if I feel they could meet at a different time. 

If you really find you have nothing to talk about my sense is that some of these parents might be uber-focused on talking about parenting/suburban stuff.  Find people who are more broadminded and like to talk about lots of stuff.  I never wanted to be the person who focused on talking about my kid or kid stuff. It's so boring other than for my mother and sister (even with my husband I try to talk about anything but as does he).  I'm not and i have friends who feel the same.  Find those people or give your current friends a chance to see if they're open to talking about other things.  Good luck!!

[Tinydance]

26 minutes ago, abeltasman said:

Thank you both so much for your replies.

I'd rather not go for the nuclear option and verbally end the friendships, as you said Tinydance. You're right, I would definitely regret it down the line. 

I think there's just a tension between how much they want to communicate and hangout and where I'm at with that. I just feel super guilty about it all because I guess those two friendships feel a lot more distant for me now and it's not the same for them (or they just haven't found new social connections in their lives, maybe) 

So would you like to have friends in general? Or are you a bit of a "lone wolf" kind of guy? I guess being friends with certain people is optional. We don't have to be friends with people just because people want to be friends with us. Understandably people change a lot since college so obviously in your 30's you might not be exactly the same people or have the same type of life. Prime example of that is that your friends are/were married and have kids, but you never got married and have no kids. I do understand where you're coming from because I started to feel those lifestyle differences with my best friend. She's been with her husband for 13 years and they have two children- four and six years old. I don't see my best friend often but I talk to her more often. Of course if she talks about child related things, I don't have a lot to contribute as I don't have children myself. But I dunno, I've known her for 17 years and it's just that best friend bond that doesn't break. When we see each other, I feel that closeness and feels like no time has passed at all. I also like kids so I'd like to see more of her kids.

Getting back to you though. If the issue is you feel guilty  - don't. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You were away for a while, you weren't married and don't have kids. It's understandable that you've lost some of the connections with these guys and you also have very different lives. It's not your fault you feel this way because we can't help how we feel. Be assertive and keep these friendships at a pace that you want. Don't force yourself. E.g. If they call you to catch up on the weekend, just say you're doing something. Just make something up, can be anything. But other times if you feel like catching up then you can. It's not really your responsibility to make sure they have friends to hang out with and they're having a good time. If they want more friends then they can try to also meet other friends. Your divorced friend can meet other single Dads or whatever.

[Lambert]

I think the issue you need to work on is your guilt. 

You don't owe anyone. If they're mad, let them be. In some ways that's them being manipulative and immature.  

I wouldn't "dump" them but I would not feed into or validate their feelings of being mad. 

[abeltasman]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

Batya33: It's great that you've kept those connections over time and during very different periods of your life. I think the underlying bond that you described is definitely vital and, as you mentioned, doesn't really go away even when circumstances change. In my case, I don't think the differences are linked specifically to their kids/marital status, it's more of a general divergence in terms of interests, passions and worldviews. It's just difficult for me to find common ground with them today, there aren't a lot of shared areas of interest and I can't talk to them in an honest and unguarded way like I can with other people in my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing details of my personal life with them because of the way they can react to certain stuff, for example. So when we meet up it feels like things fall straight back to the college dynamic we had, like a regression. I'm not the same guy I was in college. 

 

Tinydance: I love the way you describe your relationship with your friend. That's a great feeling. And I do share that sentiment with other people that I speak to and see super infrequently (because we're separated by geography). So I guess when I reflect on what you said, it does make me realise that the relationship I have with these guys doesn't make me feel that way. The absence of that sensation is probably all I need to think about when it comes to this situation. And thanks for what you said about feeling guilty - it really hits me hard sometimes. I don't think anyone likes being a source of negative energy/emotion for someone else, and that's why I feel bad (because I might be causing some hurt by breaking up the "trio")

 

Lambert: Thank you. I do have a really intense guilt complex, especially with this! 

 

[Andrina]

It's natural in life to have friendships fade or change. The fact that they call you out on it is wrong. IMO, mentally healthy people just realize the effort isn't reciprocated, take the cue and put their efforts into others who do reciprocate.

Since you don't want to totally end the friendships, how about doing things with them that you could enjoy, instead of what I'm assuming you're used to doing with them. Bar hopping? I don't know what you'd enjoy, but I'll just give examples: Host a poker night and make nachos. Ask them to go on a deep sea fishing outing. Paddleboarding or kayaking. Ziplining. 

Your get togethers can be more infrequent than they'd like, and if they call you out on it, you can communicate to them that their hounding is pissing you off. You can also explain you don't like texting all that much. Communication is key, and you teach people how to treat you. Good luck.

[Rose Mosse]

If they are distant, keep it that way. There's nothing more to do. You're drifting apart and it's natural as friendships weave in and out. No need for guilt. Simply keep pursuing what makes you happy. Expand your social circles, maintain your boundaries, get out and meet new people, find new topics and situations that challenge you and cause you to think or engage you. 

It's part and parcel of life. For new to come in, something of old has to shift or make room. You're fighting this too much. Embrace all of it and live your life.

Ignore the negative comments, switch to topics that inspire you and bring you joy. As friends sometimes we forget how to do this because life gets hard. You can remind them that there's more going on out there than only what they know, share with them what's going on in your life. If the tone is off or they continue to push you around or make demands, decline politely and continue distancing yourself. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, abeltasman said:

In my case, I don't think the differences are linked specifically to their kids/marital status, it's more of a general divergence in terms of interests, passions and worldviews. It's just difficult for me to find common ground with them today, there aren't a lot of shared areas of interest and I can't talk to them in an honest and unguarded way like I can with other people in my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing details of my personal life with them because of the way they can react to certain stuff, for example. So when we meet up it feels like things fall straight back to the college dynamic we had, like a regression. I'm not the same guy I was in college. 

This is golden.  Your insight into yourself, your fairness towards your own feelings and your friends.  I completely understand and relate.  And it's ok.  Please do not feel guilty.  This is like a small doses situation meaning it might be fun to catch up once in awhile and reminisce.  

[tattoobunnie]

Maybe you aren't a good friend.  True friends ebb and flow on how much you see each other, but at the end of the day, always have each other's backs, especially in the bad times like processing a divorce, or having young kids.  Your friends are going through something, and need you.  And one day, you'll be in spots where you'll need them.

But if you are a weather day friend that stays shallow, then that's on you.  These guys are making an effort.  Not everyday is gonna be a wicked party.

And btw, the reason why you're one buddy went MIA is because that's what it took to keep their relationship as long as it could keep, and why it didn't work out.  So, don't take that personally.

But I find if you are more stressed to see them, find them boring, then just say, "you're busy," and take longer lengths of time to respond to text and messages.  Soon enough, you'll just be an "old friend" instead of a "good friend" or "best friend".

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, abeltasman said:

I feel guilty as hell - the guilt is eating me up - because on the one hand I feel like I should be there for them but on the other hand I don't really enjoy the friendships like I did.

Sounds like times have changed and you've outgrown them.. it happens.

 

6 hours ago, abeltasman said:

They're pissed at me for not being committed and engaged, basically.

I suggest you just remain at a distance.. let them be pissed... they'll get over it.

Eventually they will catch on.. hopefully, you don't run into each other often?

I've come to dis-own a few in my day... I fade away ( and if they pissed me off, i just stop responding- though I did explain my issue to one- and never spoke to her again).

 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, abeltasman said:

 

Lambert: Thank you. I do have a really intense guilt complex, especially with this! 

 

Me too!

I posted about dumping a friend recently. I get it. I still feel bad- every day.  but I'm also relieved to not have to deal with it. 

you need friends that work with your life.  Understand where you're coming from. Not just what you do for them. 

Hang in there. This might pass with time.... The less said the better.

[Cherylyn]

During college I (M33) was pretty close to a couple of buddies (M34/M35) - we lived together, hung out together, the usual stuff. We kept in touch on and off after college but they stayed in the same city and state and met wives, had kids and settled down. I was best man at one of their weddings.

I could've written your post.

Never feel guilty for dropping friends.  I've done it as millions of other people.  No one has the right to judge you for your personal choices and decisions regarding whom you choose to retain in your life and which friends are released from your life.  Many friends drift apart to no fault of their own.  It happens because that's life.  Not everyone was meant to be bound in sworn friendship forever.  It would be unrealistic to expect this "Norman Rockwell" fantasy.

Friends come and go.  Your set of friends whether from your childhood, teen years, neighborhood, school, organized sports, extracurricular activities, extra schooling, young adulthood, jobs, community, clubs, organizations and other social occasions will continue to evolve, transform, flourish or fade away.  These are the stages of friendships dependent upon where you are in life, what you have in common with, what you can relate to, personalities, characters, defects or flaws you're willing to accept or reject or simply lost interest. 

People are extremely busy with their own lives with careers, relationships, other friendships, households, errands, chores, their families, extended families and if they have children, unfortunately, friendships get bumped to the bottom of priority.  Realistically, there are only so many hours in a day especially when there are a lot of demands on one's time and energy.

Some households are less or more maintenance than others.  I've noticed apartment tenants have more time because there's obviously less home maintenance compared to those who reside in the suburbs with yard work, things break down in the home which require repairs, maintenance and if we don't have public transportation, vehicles require upkeep as well.  I know because I was once an apartment tenant and I had a heck of a lot more time than I do now.  A house requires upkeep.  Some people have pets such as dogs which are a lot of upkeep as well. 

There are so many factors to consider. 

For the friends or certain extended relatives whom I've dropped, many feelings were mutual with lack of interest, distractions from raising families, moving and all sorts of legitimate excuses.   I'll take it further by saying, some friends or relatives changed for the worst dependent upon whom they married, negative influences and they're not the same innocent, naive friends or relatives from long ago which is a sobering reality check.  You don't have to like it but you have to accept it. 

Don't feel bad for rejecting some friends due to where they are in life and your life, too.  It's perfectly natural as I've done the same from both ends.  Lifestyles and paces are different.

You can always respectfully end friendships by telling the truth briefly and honestly.  Write:  "Thank you for thinking of me.  I appreciated your friendship and thank you for your kindness.  I wish you all the best."  Something like that.  The worst thing you can do is completely ignore friends who are reaching out to you.  It's disdainful to ignore, ghost, block and delete people with nary an explanation.

I feel the same as you regarding fizzled friendships.  What you're feeling is quite universal.  It is nothing out of the ordinary.

No one can recapture their former dynamic if everyone isn't on board, if some people lack interest, care and you can't relate to them anymore.  You can't force friendships if it doesn't feel easy and natural. 

Realistically, you're not the same people anymore.  You're not young kids anymore.  You're all grown adults with very adult responsibilities.  It's a different phase.  Some people retain friendships sans excuses and some friends drift apart.

I've retained my same childhood friend ever since I was 9 years old.  She was my maid-of-honor, both of our sons are the same age and fortunately, she is local to my geography.  We married young, both of us live in suburbia, we're very established, stable and settled.  We didn't move out of the area.  She is a 30-minute drive from my house.  We get together about once a month for all day shopping trips, meals and occasionally, it's a foursome with husbands in tow for dining out.  Other people have marveled at my rare and enduring friendship with my best childhood friend.  I'm very fortunate, blessed and lucky.

To be fair to your now divorced friend who is full on dad-mode with a demanding wife, keep in mind, children are very demanding on your friend's resources, time, energy and patience.  His wife or ex-wife needs full-on co-parenting responsibilities for at least 18 years.  My husband and I are parents of two sons so I know full well what parenting entails. 

You can "breakup" with friends as long as you do it with classy diplomacy.  There is a way to let go of people while giving them utmost respect.  The way to do this is by not pinning the blame onto them.  Don't explain.  Keep it short and sweet.  This is how you remain humble in their eyes and it's a good way to soften the blow as aforementioned.

Don't feel bad about ditching old friends.  I've done it.  Friends were not always meant for life.  Everyone goes through different stages in life.   

You are transient so naturally, some friends will be temporary whereas other friends will be keepers long term. 

During my childhood, many of my friends' fathers were in the military.  They moved a lot and made temporary friends every year. 

It's understandable about the guy who got divorced, married, became a father and went MIA.  My husband did the same but we don't have any enemies because of it.  I've done the same as well when I had two little boys to care for while my husband was on frequent business travel.  I tended to gravitate more towards my siblings, mother, local in-laws, church brethren, suburban neighborhood and community friends.  Then later, I was introduced to new friends through my sons, their friends and parents.  Before you knew it, it was hotdogs and cakes at kiddie birthday parties galore.  It has nothing to do with a demanding spouse.  Life takes over.  Life becomes demanding.

You don't have to give detailed reasons why you're breaking up your friendships.  We are all grown adults and most people have experience with friends who've drifted or faded away throughout different stages in life.  Text a brief yet kind statement if you want to let go of some friends.  You are not the worst kind of person.   No need to beat yourself up over this.  As long as you treat people with utmost respect as you let go of them, no harm, no foul.  You can sleep at night knowing this. 

It's not what you say;  it's how you say it.  Keep it brief, kind, gracious, respectful and peaceful.  After that, go your own way and they will live their lives, too.  Keep the peace. 

And, don't go back 'n forth with texting relentlessly.  Say or write what you need to express and be done with it.  No sense dragging this out unnecessarily.