No sex after 14 months!

[Getting old.]

So I have been with my BF 51m 50f for 3 years. Sex first 6 mths amazing. Then slowed down. For last 14/15 months no sex at all. Had lots of excuses... then said my piles put him off. He does love me but I want sex/intermacy. He's even stopped snogging incase it leads to sex and in case he then cannot follow it through! I want sex he said he would step up after our last argument but 3 months on stoll no change! What do I do.... 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Getting old. said:

said my piles put him off. 

Do you live together? Why can't you just leave?

Why are you discussing hemorrhoids with him?

Why not end it if he's not willing or able to have sex?

Begging, nagging and arguing about sex isn't helping or changing anything.

All that plus details about your medical issues are not exactly foreplay or erotic, are they?

Does he have ED? 

[Getting old.]

Yes live together. He's saying that's why he cannot have sex with me... he saw them while having sex and its put him off... its not something I want to discuss but it is the issue! Definitely dint think I'm the only person in the world to have them! 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Getting old. said:

Yes live together.

Sounds like you enjoy the company and economic benefit.

It also seems he's using that to blame you for his own ED or libido issues.

You have a couple of options: 

Move out and find a satisfying relationship.

Open the relationship and take a lover.

Accept he is not ready willing or able to have sex and live as roommates.

 

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, Getting old. said:

So I have been with my BF 51m 50f for 3 years. Sex first 6 mths amazing. Then slowed down. For last 14/15 months no sex at all. Had lots of excuses... then said my piles put him off. He does love me but I want sex/intermacy. He's even stopped snogging incase it leads to sex and in case he then cannot follow it through! I want sex he said he would step up after our last argument but 3 months on stoll no change! What do I do.... 

Sorry what is piles?

[Lambert]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Sorry what is piles?

Hemorrhoids.

OP- I think he might have ED and he's blaming it on this. 

I think he is actually being quite cruel to you, either way. 

I would leave him.  

[Tinydance]

Just now, Lambert said:

Hemorrhoids.

OP- I think he might have ED and he's blaming it on this. 

I think he is actually being quite cruel to you, either way. 

I would leave him.  

Oh! Well I don't see how the haemorrhoids are putting him off sex, unless he only wants anal sex lol

[LaHermes]

NO. OP you are not the only person in the world to have piles. People of all ages can have them.

He is simply using this as an excuse.   Perhaps he has a health condition leading to ED?  

In any case you need a very frank conversation with him.  

[melancholy123]

I think this is an excuse to not have sex with you.  Perhaps he cant get it up anymore.  51 can be a dangerous age for a man when things dont work quite as well as they used to.

I' leave him if I was you and find someone else.

 

[Cristina70]

5 hours ago, Getting old. said:

So I have been with my BF 51m 50f for 3 years. Sex first 6 mths amazing. Then slowed down. For last 14/15 months no sex at all. Had lots of excuses... then said my piles put him off. He does love me but I want sex/intermacy. He's even stopped snogging incase it leads to sex and in case he then cannot follow it through! I want sex he said he would step up after our last argument but 3 months on stoll no change! What do I do.... 

I agree he is using the piles as an excuse. It may be true he has lost his libido and is trying to blame you but it is not an excuse not to kiss you or have some intimacy, especially when you need it. 

[LaHermes]

A thought is crossing my mind that there may be someone else in the picture.  Seeing as he won't even kiss you or have any kind of intimacy.

 

[Getting old.]

Thanks all, there is no one else I'm pretty positive. We cuddle but that's it. We have a great relationship just no intermacy. He says he just doesn't want sex our last conversation was it was piles. He's had testosterone checked and that's fine. He has put weight on so I thought that but still walks round naked so maybe not! I'm at a loss what to do next. He doesn't overly go out with his mates to get drunk often will chose a night with me. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[LaHermes]

So, OP, the question now is, what do YOU want?  He refuses to have sex with you, alleging it is your piles (a very unkind remark in any case).  In other words it is you, not him, the reason you aren't having sex.I mean he doesn't have to stare at your piles, does he? IMO the piles are merely an excuse.  

Something is up OP. 

And more importantly, do you intend to stay with him regardless?

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Getting old. said:

He has put weight on 

It sounds like you are in denial that he has health issues with ED or libido. 

[waffle]

Agree that he probably can't get it up.  And he's looking for a person/situation to blame that on and this is what he's decided on.

I think people get to decide for themselves that they are done with sex, but they don't get to decide it for someone else.  In other words, if he doesn't want/can't have sex anymore that's cool, but he doesn't get to decide that FOR YOU.  Frankly I'd play hardball with this guy.  Someone above suggested taking a lover/opening up the relationship, I'd tell him that and then actually follow through.  If you're committed to staying with him, that is.  Don't be weak or apologetic about it, just state it to him matter-of-factly and then set out to do just that.  You would be amazed how many people find their sex drive when it looks like their partner is going to outsource that portion of their relationship.

[Getting old.]

I've asked about ED and he says not maybe I need to revisit that area with him. This is my first relationship after a long marriage. I do feel comfy and very settled but every week or two I get very frustrated with it all as I want sex. If he was more intermate and honest about what's happening I could help be supportive but instead I feel not good enough to sleep with! 

My head says leave.. I'm battling with my heart but its getting close to calling it a day now. 

[LaHermes]

Just now, Getting old. said:

instead I feel not good enough to sleep with! 

Right on, OP! 

So, what he is saying is that you are not attractive enough to have sex with, any kind of sex.  You surely don't believe the callous) line: "your piles put me off."

Maybe he is the one trying to find a way out and by withholding sex and intimacy he is hoping you'll leave. 

It all sounds so suspect. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Getting old. said:

I've asked about ED and he says not. I do feel comfy and very settled but every week or two I get very frustrated with it all as I want sex.

He can get his tongue up, no? There's something he's not leveling with you about.

That's why he's using the 'best defense is and offense' approach and telling you it's your hemorrhoids.

He's either drinking a lot more than you know, has libido/depression issues, is taking medications/using drugs, using porn a lot or seeing someone (you do not 'know for sure'). 

He can tell you his 'testosterone levels are normal' until the cows come home but that has nothing to do with his sexual withdrawal from you.

Also there is zero connection between him prancing around nude, and his weight gain. That's you thinking he's like a woman who's worried about being too fat/unattractive.

You realize a great deal of men his age are having sex a whole lot more than you do, right? 

The problem is this "comfy and cozy" thing that helps you bury your head in the sand. This is a relationship of convenience.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Getting old. said:

Thanks all, there is no one else I'm pretty positive. We cuddle but that's it. We have a great relationship just no intermacy. He says he just doesn't want sex our last conversation was it was piles. He's had testosterone checked and that's fine. He has put weight on so I thought that but still walks round naked so maybe not! I'm at a loss what to do next. He doesn't overly go out with his mates to get drunk often will chose a night with me. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

The part you should try to digest and let sink in is that he doesn't want sex. If you want sex, this is not going to work. You're both incompatible. 

Since both of you don't know what the cause is or he is not completely open with you, you'll have to base your decisions alone on whether you are fulfilled or happy in the relationship.

Once you make peace with that instead of trying to look for reasons why he doesn't want to have sex with you, you'll be a little more confident about walking away from this. This is less and less about him. It's more about you and what you want for yourself.

[Getting old.]

Gosh your harsh lol thanks. I think some of what you say is right. 

There's is something more to it.. 

And I'm stuck in a rut...

I need to give myself a shake and wake up before it's another year and still questioning my myself. 

I agree hemorrhoids should not make him withdraw from me... and if I'm so unattractive to him whys he still here... convenience on his part maybe... for me at my age do I really want to start all over again... especially when I'm now super paranoid about bloody hemorrhoids and feeling so unattractive that my BF won't even have sex with me!! Aghh

[Getting old.]

Thank you, I know its a decision i am going to have to get on and make. just makes me sad itscome to this but I am like a record and an actually getting on my own nerves with it. 🙃

[Rose Mosse]

One step at a time. Can you deal with the hemorrhoids if it's causing you discomfort or bothering you? Ie. surgery or find out from your doctor what the wait times are or healing time. Being proactive about a part of your body that bothers you can be a huge confidence-booster in the mean time. Take care of your mental health also that way and create positive pathways forwards. 

Any affirmation that ought to have come through sexual intimacy with your SO isn't working out so do what you have to do to take care of your body and mind. If it gives you peace of mind to have them removed or looked at, do that. 

Both of you have a bond in the relationship and some physical intimacy even if it's not sex. Before you consider breaking up, I'd take a good look at his demeanor and the way he treats you overall. If it's nonchalant and with disregard in more than this one area, then the relationship is probably almost out the door. 

Everything else start depending on yourself and take care of you.

[Getting old.]

Everything else is perfect, we get on amazing, we laugh we have so much in common but also enough differences to keep us interesting and we just work well together. That's why it's so hard to make a decision. But the thought of no sex or sexual interaction is nor what I want long term... hence sticking it out and trying to make it work, I've not put any pressure in sex but he's happy as we are and thinks we are fine, says he's got no interest in it. 

I've had surgery for my issue years ago... worst surgery ever and I refuse to go through it again, my issues are medical related and its not going away even if I have surgery it will be back. 

I also agree all this is stressing me out and not good for my mental health. 

[LaHermes]

I don't think W is harsh. But right straight up yes.

Anyhow, surgery for piles has come a long long way these days.

But that's very much beside the point. Someone who is in love with you wouldn't care if you had piles on your face.

I wonder about this man.   It is most odd that he has suddenly lost interest in sex with you.

So, let me disclose. I know a couple, married many years. He was diagnosed diabetic. Tells her he can no longer have sex as he has ED.   Wrong!  He is well able to have sex as he took up with a "side piece" and was well able to bang her. 

To be exact I don't know these people but I have an old friend a clinical psychologist who is also a sexologist and on those occasions when we meet I utterly have to ask him about cases (anonymous of course).

Listen OP. You've got to box him into a corner and find out what is really going on. 

And then of course there is the good old Blue Pill. Nothing to stop him using that.

Bottom line is: he doesn't want to have sex with YOU. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Getting old. said:

 the thought of no sex or sexual interaction is nor what I want long term...

Be straight up, point blank honest with him and tell him you're very happy with everything but you want/need sex and affection so you want an open relationship. 

 See what he does with that suggestion. It's not the hemorrhoids, you know that.