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Feeling like marriage is heading in the wrong direction


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                We haven’t even been married a year and I’m starting to feel like our marriage is heading in the wrong direction. I feel as though my husband has changed. There is hardly any romance at all in the marriage anymore and like I mentioned we haven’t even been married a year!!! We have not been intimate for almost 4 months!! I have not tried to initiate because last time I did I was turned down and it had me feeling bad about myself. He doesn’t hardly like any form of PDA, he thinks it’s tacky. Even when I try to go in for a kiss in the privacy of our own home he kind of gets taken back by it and makes some kind of comment. We also use to always kiss each other goodnight, but that has stopped too. I’m honestly feeling like we are now more so roommates than husband and wife.

                I feel like we have a fight at least once a week and somehow in the end I always end up being the bad guy and apologizing. He calls me a liar and says I lie all the time to him. There was a time when we were with some friends and my husband told me to shut up and the friends commented on how disrespectful that was. I brought that up to him and told him I didn’t like how he told me to shut up. He acted like it wasn’t a big deal. He was like what else I’m I suppose to say? I was maybe like try please be quiet or stop that. He was just like what is the difference.  Maybe saying that wasn’t as disrespect as I thought it was, but the fact that he is ok with telling his wife to shut up bothers me too.

                I do pretty much all the cooking and cleaning and hardly ever get a thank you from him, but if he cleans the dishes he needs to make it known and pretty much waits for a thank you. Or if he buys dinner and I forget to thank him, he makes sure to bring it up and says I never got a thank you. But I do things all the time for him and don’t hear a thank you all the time and don’t make comments about it.

                I’ve always wanted children too, but now I’m feeling like either I’m not ready because the option to have kids is really there now or I don’t want them yet because I’m not 100% certain on our marriage. And these kind of thoughts scare me, because something that I’ve always wanted so badly is now a big question for me.

                Sometimes I cry when I try to ask myself is this what I deserve and I’m I truly happy. I just feel like I’m stuck in what to do and what I want. I love my husband but feel like things have changed in our relationship. I feel like our communication is not the best either. Sometimes I don’t tell him what’s going on right away because I’m scared how he will respond. Or sometimes something is wrong and I’m not really sure why I feel the way I do. He is also bad at communicating his thoughts and feeling and a lot of times he will say nothing is wrong when I know better, but if I do the same thing he calls me a liar.     

                I also think he drinks too much and lately on weekends he is drinking to the point of getting drunk. Sometimes he can get mean when he is drunk and tells me to F*** off and calls me a skank. I know he is drunk, but it still hurts my feelings wither he is drunk or not.

                Sometimes I also question wither my husband truly loves me or not and is just settling. He has told me before that he has stayed with one of his ex-gfs even though the relationship was dead because he was scared to be alone. I keep thinking about that and wandering if he married me just because I was good enough and he didn’t want to be a lone. It also concerns me because if he is not happy in the marriage he might just stay in it, so he isn’t alone.

                These are just some of my major concerns. I’m just wondering if it sound like our marriage is heading for a crash and burn situation or if there is still a chance to rekindle the fire we once had not so very long ago. I’m not one that ever wants to get divorced, but if I’m feeling like this not even a year into the marriage; I don’t know how the next 20 plus years will be. Thank you for any opinions and advice in advance.              

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Posted (edited)

Marriage is suppose to be a communion where where two people can make their lives better by having somebody that loves them and supports them there. Instead he drinks and insults you(him drinking is not an excuse for that), disrespects you even when you have friends over and doesnt appreciate you and hasnt been intimate with you in a while. Having kids with somebody like that would just prolong the agony you are living. I would suggest marriage counseling but with that much problems I dont think it would have effect. So, get away from there. You are not the first or the last that has gone through bad marriage and divorce, its sadly a common thing today. And trust me, what you described is really bad. Like, one hit away from domestic violence bad. So, get away while you can...

Edited by Kwothe28
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40 minutes ago, LonelyinLove1212 said:

We haven’t even been married a year and I’m starting to feel like our marriage is heading in the wrong direction. I feel as though my husband has changed. There is hardly any romance at all in the marriage anymore and like I mentioned we haven’t even been married a year!!!

How long together before you married?

41 minutes ago, LonelyinLove1212 said:

I feel like we have a fight at least once a week and somehow in the end I always end up being the bad guy and apologizing. He calls me a liar and says I lie all the time to him. There was a time when we were with some friends and my husband told me to shut up and the friends commented on how disrespectful that was. I brought that up to him and told him I didn’t like how he told me to shut up. He acted like it wasn’t a big deal.

Shows his immaturity & disrespect!

42 minutes ago, LonelyinLove1212 said:

  Sometimes I cry when I try to ask myself is this what I deserve and I’m I truly happy. I just feel like I’m stuck in what to do and what I want. I love my husband but feel like things have changed in our relationship. I feel like our communication is not the best either. Sometimes I don’t tell him what’s going on right away because I’m scared how he will respond.

None of this is good - communication & feeling safe is necessary.

 

43 minutes ago, LonelyinLove1212 said:

  I also think he drinks too much and lately on weekends he is drinking to the point of getting drunk. Sometimes he can get mean when he is drunk and tells me to F*** off and calls me a skank. I know he is drunk, but it still hurts my feelings wither he is drunk or not.

Okay.  Get rid of this... idiot.  

 

You do not deserve to be treated like this.. HE is a miserable man.. sorry 😕 .

Neither one is happy... why did you marry him?  I am guessing you did it way too fast?  ( before you truly got to know his ways?)

 

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7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

How long together before you married?

Shows his immaturity & disrespect!

None of this is good - communication & feeling safe is necessary.

 

Okay.  Get rid of this... idiot.  

 

You do not deserve to be treated like this.. HE is a miserable man.. sorry 😕 .

Neither one is happy... why did you marry him?  I am guessing you did it way too fast?  ( before you truly got to know his ways?)

 

We were together for 3 years before we got married. I feel like he is not the same man I grew to love anymore.

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1 minute ago, LonelyinLove1212 said:

We were together for 3 years before we got married. I feel like he is not the same man I grew to love anymore.

Wow, that's sad 😕 .

I would not tolerate this crap.  Can you leave him now- go back to parents- get a divorce..?

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1 hour ago, LonelyinLove1212 said:

We haven’t even been married a year. We have not been intimate for almost 4 months

 my husband told me to shut up 

 I’m not 100% certain on our marriage. I’m not one that ever wants to get divorced, 

Is this an arranged marriage? How long did you date before you married? Was he abusive before you married.

Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. Will you face consequences if you divorce?

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage? How long did you date before you married? Was he abusive before you married.

Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. Will you face consequences if you divorce?

No this was not an arranged marriage. We were together for 3 years before we got married. No he has changed in my eyes since we got married. Kind of like I have you know so I don't need to be as kind and respectful. 

My parents just want the best for me and for me to be happy. 

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17 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Wow, that's sad 😕 .

I would not tolerate this crap.  Can you leave him now- go back to parents- get a divorce..?

I think I might try talking to him and suggest therapy first before we go down the D word road.

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Posted (edited)

Oh OP, my heart just breaks for you.  When someone is a different person after marriage- THAT is real person, now that they are comfortable.  Too many people sadly think that after marriage, they don't have to "try anymore".  This attitude of " Well now I have you, so that's that".  

Please know- THIS IS ABOUT HIM, not you.  Please re-read that like ten times. 

He SAID it- He's afraid to be alone.  It sounds like he is afraid to be alone- I.e. wants a woman around to do all the cooking and cleaning, but he isn't necessarily interested in a marriage about a loving partnership. I'm sorry to tell you that there are many people like this.  

You are not in a loving marriage.  Your husband is being emotionally and psychologically abusive towards you.  Please DO NOT bring a child into this situation.  It will NOT fix anything, but only make things 100 X WORSE! 

You can love someone and still be incompatible with them, OP.  Happens every day of the week.  There's a big difference between having feelings for someone and being able to live with them on a daily basis. 

You can't even share your feelings without being worried about that setting him off.  That's not healthy now and it won't be healthy 5, 10, 15 years from now.  So yes, I think you should get divorced.  At the VERY least, I think you should separate for now. Because, Whatever is going on with your husband, he needs help.   

If I were you, OP- I'd start packing and stay with family or friends and tell your husband- once you are SAFE- that he needs to get his act together.  Verbally abusing you in front of friends or home alone while drunk is NOT okay.  That's abuse and things can quickly escalate from verbal to physical. 

OP, no one ever WANTS to get divorced- I know that I didn't- but sometimes it really IS the healthiest option for everyone concerned.  There's too much stigma on divorce even now.  People always tell you to leave a DATING situation where someone is abusive, a JOB where someone is abusive, to cut off PARENTS or SIBLINGS that are abusive, so why NOT a SPOUSE if THEY are abusive? 

I implore you, OP, for your OWN sake.  Please seek safety until your husband gets his act together at the VERY minimum.  Nothing will ever improve in your marriage if he doesn't improve himself.  This is NOT something you can "fix" alone, so please do not try. 

Edited by redswim30
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Okay, but there is a LOT of stuff building up - lack of intimacy, his behaviour with you.. your parents.

You're not happy, nor is he, by sounds of it 😕 .

Yeah, you can suggest that, as I feel there is a lot going on with this guy... why he's so distant, etc.

Maybe suggest, he consider some prof help - couples therapy or something?  I fear that he may get nasty with that suggestion as well 😕 

 

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6 minutes ago, LonelyinLove1212 said:

No he has changed in my eyes since we got married.

Very unlikely, OP. What you are seeing now is the him that was always there. 

Forget therapy, OP. Just get out of this hellish situation. Don't waste any more of your life. 

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3 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

Oh OP, my heart just breaks for you.  When someone is a different person after marriage- THAT is real person, now that they are comfortable.  Too many people sadly think that after marriage, they don't have to "try anymore".  This attitude of " Well now I have you, so that's that".  

Please know- THIS IS ABOUT HIM, not you.  Please re-read that like ten times. 

He SAID it- He's afraid to be alone.  It sounds like he is afraid to be alone- I.e. wants a woman around to do all the cooking and cleaning, but he isn't necessarily interested in a marriage about a loving partnership. I'm sorry to tell you that there are many people like this.  

You are not in a loving marriage.  Your husband is being emotionally and psychologically abusive towards you.  Please DO NOT bring a child into this situation.  It will NOT fix anything, but only make things 100 X WORSE! 

You can love someone and still be incompatible with them, OP.  Happens every day of the week.  There's a big difference between having feelings for someone and being able to live with them on a daily basis. 

You can't even share you feelings without being worried about that setting him off.  That's not healthy now and it won't be healthy 5, 10, 15 years from now.  So yes, I think you should get divorced.  At the VERY least, I think you should separate for now. Because, Whatever is going on with you husband, he needs help.   

If I were you, OP- I'd start packing and stay with family or friends and tell your husband- once you are SAFE- that he needs to get his act together.  Verbally abusing you in front of friends or home alone while drunk is NOT okay.  That's abuse and things can quickly escalate from verbal to physical. 

OP, no one ever WANTS to get divorced- I know that I didn't- but sometimes it really IS the healthiest option for everyone concerned.  There's too much a stigma on divorce even now.  People always tell you to leave a DATING situation where someone is abusive, a JOB where someone is abusive, to cut off PARENTS or SIBLINGS that are abusive, so why NOT a SPOUSE if THEY are abusive? 

I implore you, OP, for your OWN sake.  Please seek safety until your husband gets his act together at the VERY minimum.  Nothing will ever improve in your marriage if he doesn't improve himself.  This is NOT something you can "fix" alone, so please do not try. 

OP please read and reread this until it sinks it. This is about as on point as it can get. You NEED to leave this marriage asap. It is a sham he intentionally set you up for it. You can't fix.

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Just now, LaHermes said:

Very unlikely, OP. What you are seeing now is the him that was always there. 

Forget therapy, OP. Just get out of this hellish situation. Don't waste any more of your life. 

Yup, sadly the so called marriage therapists make money off your misery and by convincing you to keep trying...and keep going to therapy $$$$$. It's actually rare to come across someone honest enough to tell you the truth you don't want to hear, which is gtfo as fast as you can run.

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1 hour ago, LonelyinLove1212 said:

I think I might try talking to him and suggest therapy first before we go down the D word road.

Haven't you already talked to him several times? And his response is dismissive or "shut  up"?

It's understandable you can't and don't want to believe you married an abuser. 

However he'll just get worse. Marriage therapy will just be a dog and pony show when it comes to abusers like this.

Go stay with your parents for a while to reflect. Talk to an attorney about annulment. It's ok to make a mistake, it's not ok to continue it.

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Well he sounds like an alcoholic and pretty emotionally abusive. He treats you really badly and very disrespectfully. Have you not noticed that he was like this before or has he just become totally different? Do you think he drinks constantly now or maybe started using drugs or seeing another woman? It just sounds very strange that he went from being the man you actually wanted to marry, to this..

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5 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Yup, sadly the so called marriage therapists make money off your misery and by convincing you to keep trying...and keep going to therapy $$$$$.

Yikes! But it really makes sense. 

5 hours ago, redswim30 said:

You are not in a loving marriage.  Your husband is being emotionally and psychologically abusive towards you.  Please DO NOT bring a child into this situation.  It will NOT fix anything, but only make things 100 X WORSE! 

....

If I were you, OP- I'd start packing and stay with family or friends and tell your husband- once you are SAFE- that he needs to get his act together.  Verbally abusing you in front of friends or home alone while drunk is NOT okay.  That's abuse and things can quickly escalate from verbal to physical. 

I agree. Except, I don't think that someone like this will ever "get his act together." This is who he is; his act is together. That's how he landed himself a complacent wife who lets him demean her in public.

LonelyinLove1212, I hope you listen to your gut and get YOUR act together and get out. There are better men out there, I promise.

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7 hours ago, LonelyinLove1212 said:

We were together for 3 years before we got married. I feel like he is not the same man I grew to love anymore.

Three years and he changed that dramatically?  When you say grew to love do you mean it took you a long time to fall for him ?  Did he drink a lot before you married?

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