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My ex-girlfriend and I broke up three months ago after five and the half years of relationship. We are both in our forties. She said she doesn't love me anymore and that she doesn’t have any feelings for me for a longer period of time. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but there were a lot of beautiful moments as well. We share a lot of happy and nice memories.

She had a lot of issues and I was always there for her to help her and support her, and moreover to love her in that moments. At the end of the relationship, I had issues and instead of getting the same support from her, she found another guy and dumped me. She forced me to move out from our mutual apartment.

During this last three months, those beautiful moments we had were all over my mind, more or less every day, and I feel regret that she has left me. But I managed to move on and worked a lot to improve myself and I made a progress.

But at the same time I kept calling her to come and visit me in my new apartment.

And then, last Friday she came to my apartment, we had a good time and we had sex. She stayed overnight. Yesterday she came again and we had a really good and passionate sex. But all the time she was telling me that she is satisfied with the new guy and that she is going to stay in the new relationship. When I asked her for the reason, she said that he treats her good, he is funny and that she is in a way taking advantage of him (something like he is paying for all the food). When I told her that I’m seeing someone else too, she started to cry and she said that she likes me the way I am now and that she feels regret I was not like that before when we were together. I told her that she can leave him and that we can try something again, but she categorically refused that. She said that she wants to be with him and maybe one day in the future, who knows, we are going to be together again, but not now.

I'm also sure that she came to me and cheated on him, because she doesn't care about him at all. But she said that is not the truth and that she fell in love with him.

I was quite fine, but now I feel distressed almost like three months ago. So this just brought me harm.

So why did she come to be with me? Does she really know what she wants? Who does she love?

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31 minutes ago, steel2 said:

last Friday she came to my apartment, we had a good time and we had sex. She stayed overnight. Yesterday she came again and we had a really good and passionate sex. But all the time she was telling me that she is satisfied with the new guy and that she is going to stay in the new relationship.

Something like this happening is often them trying to work on letting go...

Using you to get over you 😕 .... which is awful!

You two broke up 3 months ago.. then she ran into the arms of another ( too quickly). So, is possibly a rebound.. BUT you do not want to be in the middle of this.. Because SHE is not in her right mind!

You get away & stay away... Since she admitted to you, she is not happy in the relationship you guys had.

Then, you let her live with her decision...

34 minutes ago, steel2 said:

I was quite fine, but now I feel distressed almost like three months ago. So this just brought me harm.

See?  This has brought up all of those memories & emotions.. as YOU were trying to process all of this.

 

No, she does not love him.  She is trying to figure herself out, and she's been leaning on him for support.

When she NEEDS some time on her own to work through her own issue's.. so, she's messing you and herself up!

Don't let her use you.

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53 minutes ago, steel2 said:

So why did she come to be with me? Does she really know what she wants? Who does she love?

Oh, she knows what she wants. She wants him but wants you to have as an option if they broke up. Hence why

57 minutes ago, steel2 said:

She said that she wants to be with him and maybe one day in the future, who knows, we are going to be together again, but not now.

Notice how she doesnt dismiss you and even cries when you mention you moved on. 

Get away from that. You deserve better then some girl that is using the guy for food while she sleeps around. She has done that to you and now she does that to another guy. Quite a girl you two share lol. Find somebody else that would love you enough not to cheat on you and even string you along after that.

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2 hours ago, steel2 said:

she said that he treats her good and she said that she likes me the way I am now and that she feels regret I was not like that before when we were together.

Sorry this happened. Seems like she's confused but left for real reasons not mentioned here.

It would be best to  step out of this triangle.

It's doubtful she was as horrible as you described or you were as angelic as depicted

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Sometimes you don't really know a person as well as you thought until the going gets rough. Mentally healthy people either work on problems together or make a clean break. Whatever makes sense considering all the aspects and how one is feeling toward a partner.

She was unethical to find someone else before dumping you, and then cheating with you. Is that someone you really want to risk your pummeled heart on again? She also admits she's a user, and you think she's some prize?

The fact you want her back is probably that you're too close to the situation to see things through a clearer lens and that you lack self worth. Subconsciously, you don't think you deserve any better.

I know that was the case for me when I was in a horrible relationship for a year with different issues than yours. Regardless, it wasn't until I went no contact for a good four months that I was able to see how wrong he was for me, and when he contacted me at that point (phone didn't allow me to block him back then), I didn't want anything to do with him. I suggest you go no contact as well. You'll likely shake your head one day when you realize she did you a favor by breaking up with you.

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Thank you all for your thoughts. I appreciate that.
The problem is that my emotions still refuse to listen the common sense.

I just can't help myself and it's so hard to move on in a way to leave her behind. But that is something that I'll have to do to stop torment myself. I have to work on my self-respect too.

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Seems like she's confused but left for real reasons not mentioned here.

It would be best to  step out of this triangle.

It's doubtful she was as horrible as you described or you were as angelic as depicted

Yes you're right, I'm not perfect, but I was never violent or manipulative. When the lock down started (in March 2020), I had a problems with work, my family had a problems and I let all of that to influence me in a way that I wasn't paying enough attention to her as I was before. I was at home in a home office and became depressed, weak and short-tempered. I lost the will to go anywhere or to do anything and after a year of me acting like that, she just lost her patience. I realized that my behavior was bad, but it was too late. She was already hooked up with that other guy, and she said I pushed her to him because of the reasons I mentioned.

Now I manged to pull myself together and I'm back as a men I was before. I rebuilt my personal strength and self-esteem. Well, as I mentioned above, I still have doubts about my self-respect.

I feel guilt and regret that I didn't realize that before while we were still together, but on the other hand I still think that she should have given me a chance and wait to get better after all the time we spent together. 

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21 minutes ago, steel2 said:

She was already hooked up with that other guy, and she said I pushed her to him because of the reasons I mentioned.

But you need to understand that is not your fault. Sure, you maybe pushed her away, but her cheating is on her, not on you. She could have left you then find another guy. But instead she actively seek somebody and then left you. When he stops paying food she will do the same to him, heck she already cheated with you. That is a cycle she just repeats. And that really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what kind of person she is.

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To answer your question in the title.... YOU EXPECT NOTHING.

it seems to me, you are being ruled by your emotions.  Which is fairly common when you are hurting.  But considering you are both in your forties, it's time to step up and be the adult to yourself that you need to be.  

-- You are a human being, you make mistakes.  We ALL DO.  You didn't cause the break up.  A grown woman, that loves you, works things out with you.  Does not cheat on you.  And then turn around and cheat on the new guy with you.  You see what she is now?  Don't you?  A user.  

-- There are fundamental problems with this woman and she is not a good partner to anyone.  In her forties, she knows better.  She is using you and using other guy because she doesn't even like her self.  She needs everyone and everything to fill her up.  The actions of a selfish, self centered, loser.  

-- Sleeping with her after she dumped you, was you breaking your own heart.  She played you and then she played you again.  Stop doing this.  And stop making excuses that you can't help yourself or that she has some power over you.  She doesn't.  That's all on you.  

-- See these things for what they are.  You are a grown adult.  You need to take better care of yourself.  Your mental and emotional health depend on it. 

-- Stay away from this user.  Block and avoid at all costs.  

-- Think about ending it with the new woman you are seeing.  She deserves better than how you are user her in between trysts with your ex.  

-- Get tested for STI's.  Who knows how many partners there are actually in this situation.  Yours, hers, her new man, maybe his own ex... yikes.  

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You are chasing a leaf that is blowing in the wind. Not only chasing it, but trying to catch it by determining where its going to land. You will not know where its going to land or where its going, but you are trying. 

This is exactly what you are doing. You are trying to figure out what she is thinking even tho she has no idea what she is thinking or why she is doing the things she is doing. Its obvious you two have physical chemistry but you lack the emotional chemistry. She likes the sex, hates being with you. So this could be what confuses her. But she also knows she doesnt want to be in a romantic relationship with you. Sex with you is a way to cope because it could bring her back to a time when she thought you were going to be that guy but you treated her badly, that sex reminded her of 'what could have been'. 

But instead of looking back or trying to figure out whats going on with her. Focus on you. She does not want to be with you. She knows where you live and please dont be that other guy while she is in a relationship. You wouldnt like your GF sleeping around with and X, so dont do it with her because I can tell you that Karma will catch up with you. So play nice. She is with another guy, respect it no matter what she tells you. She is off limits. 

And she should be out of your life while you work on you. I am not going to lie and pretend that 5.5 years is easy to get over. It is not. And for her as well it is not easy to get over you, but right now she has to land on your own two feet and decide which direction she needs to go to better her life. If that means dating another guy or two or three, then thats on her. Eventually she will figure things out. You must do the same. Leave her be, dont be so available, dont have pics of her on your phone or computer or tablet or whatever electronic device you have. 

Do what is right for you. 

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Your ex girlfriend is like heroin to a drug addict or booze to an alcoholic.

She feels REALLY good when you're intimate with her- then she's gone and you got the withdrawal going and the pain is intense and the only fix you can imagine is another round with her.

It only ends when she either dumps you for good or you find the strength to quit.

Until then it's a really unhealthy cycle. Plus she's using you and preventing you from moving on with your life and meeting a woman who will treat you well.

 

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