How Do I get over my girlfriends past drug use?

[rahulovesyou]

Hello,

I am 28M and my partner is 27F

So I met a wonderful girl and it's only been three months but about two or three weeks of dating she openly told me about her drug use with her ex-boyfriend. I didn't think much of it until recently where I thought about how I had this on my list where I would never date a girl that has used drugs it's just not in my ideals. I grew up in a strict Christian household where drugs were definitely off limits and bad. I have never done any of them.

My current gf says that her ex-boyfriend was into it and she did it with him and she says she regrets it and doesn't define her etc. but then she moved to a new country (before I met her) and she smoked a bit of weed there and again said that was because she was trying to get along with people and she did it at the moment. Now I think I have a lot of willpower as a person and I don't get easily influenced. So I feel like she still wanted to do it because she liked it and not just because her ex-boyfriend forced her.  Also why would you do something that has hurt you in the past and made you leave the relationship? She left the relationship because her ex-bf went to jail for drugs.

 

I am a person that doesn't smoke anything and I have a clean life and I have always been this way and it's really hurting me inside to think I have to deal with this. She hasn't done anything for two years (or so she says) but it's hard to trust I am always thinking in my head "What if she goes back to her old ways? What if we have kids and our kids have a mother that does all this and neglects the kid?"

I also am feeling insecure about it to the fact that I want to do some LSD myself and asked a friend to take care of me just to feel like I did something the same as her. I am not influenced by people at all but it hurts me a lot that I want to do LSD myself to just feel even with her and that I have no regrets if we continue to date.

I know it's silly to bring someone's past up but it really hurts me a lot since I grew up in a very sheltered enviroment and always did the right things in life. I know it's not fair on her and maybe I feel I should end the relationship because of this?

What are your thoughts? Do you think she will go back to it in the future? If she does and we are married I will definitely apply for divorce because I cannot handle all this.

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, rahulovesyou said:

I also am feeling insecure about it to the fact that I want to do some LSD myself and asked a friend to take care of me just to feel like I did something the same as her. I am not influenced by people at all

I think you need to admit to yourself that actually you are. 

This is bothering you to the extent that you think taking LSD is the solution to your anxiety about it. That suggests a couple things: 1) You don't have healthy coping mechanisms for your insecurity, and 2) You're letting her past influence your present choices. 

Taking drugs just to level the playing field makes zeo sense, by the way. I am not sure how you came up with that idea but it won't work. 

I personally feel you are letting your thoughts spin out of control. Listen to yourself: she dabbled occasionally in the past and has not done drugs for years, and you're here worried about filing for a hypothetical divorce from a hypothetical marriage because she might negelct your hypothetical children. Gently, you need to get a grip on your anxiety. 

If you are still bothered by it, though, and don't feel you can trust her nor extend the benefit of the doubt that she has changed - yes, break up with her. You won't be able to handle a relaitonship with her and it's not fair to her. In that case, you would need to find someone whose past mirrors your own.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, rahulovesyou said:

 it's only been three months

her drug use with her ex-boyfriend.
 her ex-boyfriend was into it  because her ex-boyfriend forced her.   relationship because her ex-bf went to jail for drugs.

Cut your losses. It's only 12 weeks and there are too many red flags.

Drugs, talks about "ex" way too much.  Blames "ex" for her drug choices.

Keep in mind, you're the substitute while her "ex" is in jail. She's sending him money, letters, etc. until he gets out.

She's playing you for a fool.

Maybe the sleazy bad girl thing has some appeal or fascination after a straight-laced upbringing, but at some level you know this is the no-fly zone.

She's a good liar (like her BF), that's all this is.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, rahulovesyou said:

I am a person that doesn't smoke anything and I have a clean life and I have always been this way and it's really hurting me inside to think I have to deal with this. She hasn't done anything for two years (or so she says) but it's hard to trust I am always thinking in my head "What if she goes back to her old ways? What if we have kids and our kids have a mother that does all this and neglects the kid?"

I also am feeling insecure about it to the fact that I want to do some LSD myself and asked a friend to take care of me just to feel like I did something the same as her.

Are you serious? ( FYI, LSD is nothing like weed).

Yes, she has a past and you don't like it.. but of all things. WHY would you do this?

I've got an ex who'd do weed with his friends.. I never did ( but did try 20 yrs later).  But, that was weed ( which is legal here now).. Was not LSD, that's wicked stuff!

If you want to 'try' something, be simple.. maybe an edible or a bit of oil, from weed, which takes the anxiety out, for some - but never would I even look twice at something like LSD - which is a very hard drug 😕 .

Either way, this is not 'a solution'.

IF you are so 'strict', breaking down to think this way, is concerning.  Simple, if you don't do this stuff, fine.  Stay off of it!

I feel she has caused such an effect on you, it's toxic.

It's only been a few months- walk away, be done with it.

And IF you do fall into some drug hole, do not blame her for it. ( IMO, is possibly more curiosity for you now).

 

 

[smackie9]

You are taking a huge risk experimenting with drugs. I did everything but stick a needle in my arm. BUT that was over 40 years ago. Drugs are way different now...stronger and unreliable. Drugs can be laced with Fentanyl. That kills people. Not just addicts but recreational users too. Not only that, you take the chance of becoming addicted yourself. I would be more concerned what kind of influence this girl will have on YOU.

Cut your losses and breakup. Your gut is screaming at you...listen to it.

[Batya33]

I didn’t date anyone who’d used illegal drugs.  Trying pot once in college etc was ok (no I did not) or who drank to excess regularly.  Yes I was friends with people who did.  I just knew I wouldn’t want to be involved seriously in a romantic relationship with someone with those choices and values.  I’m very happy with my choices and suggest you stay true to your values.  

[Tinydance]

Well, first of all, why do you want to try LSD? What are your reasons? Do you actually WANT to try LSD? Or is it because you have some weird idea that if you also try drugs, you'll somehow stop feeling uncomfortable that she has done drugs? I actually have a feeling that it won't work like that. We all have our own beliefs and values and even if they do change, it has to happen naturally. I don't actually think that miraculously you will feel fine about drugs if you try a drug once. Especially as you don't seem to actually want to take drugs. You want to take it for the wrong reasons.

To me it actually doesn't sound like you and your girlfriend are compatible. I think that trying drugs doesn't necessarily make her a terrible person but you also have a right to your own beliefs and values. Everyone has a right to have standards and expectations of what they want in a partner. Within reason of course lol Your expectation is reasonable but unfortunately your girlfriend doesn't match that expectation. The problem is she has already done drugs in the past so you can't actually change her past. It's really hard to know if she would do drugs again, maybe she won't. But that's the problem, you just don't actually know. I think the fact that she hasn't done drugs for two years is a good sign that she actually can stay away from them. However as you can see, she is not actually anti drugs so she may want to take some in the future.

You can't change her past at all so I think you only have two options really. One option is you would have to accept her past and her for who she is. The other option is you could break up with her. It's up to you what you want to do.

I'm a very open-minded person so if you want to try LSD or anything else, I'm not going to tell you not to. You are an adult and that's your choice. I was just saying that your reason for taking LSD is not the right reason. Don't change yourself and your values just because you want to try to force yourself to feel better about your girlfriend's past. 

My personal opinion about drugs is I don't mind if my partner did them occasionally and had no dependence on them. E.g. Let's say we went to a party and they smoked some weed. Or we went to a music festival and they took ecstacy or LSD. I don't have a problem with it unless my partner began to take them often or was addicted, or unless they behaved badly or dangerously on a particular drug. E.g. If they were really stoned and they were driving. Or if they became aggressive on a drug. 

I tried weed for the first time when I was seventeen years old. I'm 36 now. I barely ever smoked it though but to be honest the reason for that is that it has a really bad effect on me. I get really paranoid on it and get some hallucinations and psychosis. I've also taken MDMA/ecstacy a number of times in my life, but not actually that many. I took it maybe five times when I was 19-20 and took it six times in my 30's. I've tried LSD once but I had a very bad trip and got very scared and paranoid, so I never took it again. When I was a teenager and in my early 20's I also used to smoke cigarettes on and off, but I wasn't a heavy smoker.

Anyway, what I just told you is only my own experience and opinions. You don't have to agree with anything I said or feel the same way because you're your own person with your own opinions. If you would prefer a girlfriend who has never done drugs that is absolutely fine. However the woman you're dating is not someone who's never done them. I don't really think there's much point in making her feel bad about it because she can't do anything about it. The other thing too, if she actually does want to occasionally take drugs at a party or something, that should be her choice as well. I mean, if she really loves you and she's willing to never use drugs ever again for you, she can make that decision. But as you can see she doesn't already have the same beliefs and values as you that drugs are bad. So you just have different opinions.

If you want to stay together you'd need to find a way to make it work by coming to some kind of agreement. For example, my Dad's father was an alcoholic and my Dad never wanted to drink alcohol. He's 62 years old and he literally never drank. My Mum drinks only occasionally 1-2 glasses of wine. My Dad actually doesn't mind it and doesn't tell her not to drink. But his own value and choice is that HE will not drink. But I'm not saying that you need to do the same. It was just an example of how two people who have different ideas about alcohol have been married for 38 years lol

[Batya33]

So two people can have different habits but similar values. For example I  never got drunk because I would get very ill but if my husband got a little buzzed and wasn’t driving it would be fine with me. Getting drunk by accident once or twice would be ok - I know that happened to him in the past.
 My values about that level of alcohol consumption are that it’s fine even though I’d never get drunk.  But if he’d chosen to use illegal drugs more than once - like in college- or had any plans to use them again or would be open to it he’d be fine as a friend.  Not as a serious romantic partner.  Because then our values would be incompatible in what I was looking for in a partner.  

I’ve been around people who were high.  And drunk. It’s fine.  But I wouldn’t get in a car with the person. 

[lostandhurt]

So your choices are:

1. Take LSD so you can level the playing field or

2. Break up with her?

That is what you are telling us?   If those are the choices you must choose break up.  She just might break up with you for thinking that was a good idea...

How about cultivating better options. 

  Lost

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, rahulovesyou said:

I am not influenced by people at all but it hurts me a lot that I want to do LSD myself to just feel even with her and that I have no regrets if we continue to date.

Oh, geez. I was sympathetic until this.

Do whatever you want.

[LootieTootie]

😂This thread is my highlight of the day! 

OP, you are so righteous but so willing to do LSD.

Look...usually when you go down a rabbit hole with crazy thoughts, you don't come out of it thinking "oh I know what the solution is! Let me get me some LSD." 😂

Just re-evaluate what you are looking for in a woman, and if that means someone with a no drug past, then this lady isn't for you. It's also unfair of you to date someone and be so judgmental of their past.  Let her go so she can find someone who will accept her past and won't resort to LSD 😂

[Jibralta]

On 5/30/2021 at 4:42 AM, rahulovesyou said:

I am always thinking in my head "What if she goes back to her old ways? What if we have kids and our kids have a mother that does all this and neglects the kid?"

As someone who dabbled in all manner of drugs for years, I think this is catastrophic thinking based on your own inexperience with drugs.

On the other hand, you have every right to date people who align with your ideals. And that's what I suggest you do in this case. It's only been three months, and clearly this drug thing is a deal-breaker for you. You are far too stressed out about it to enjoy a relationship with this person. Best to end it now. And screen more carefully in the future.

[Batya33]

I have no experience taking illegal drugs.  Never want to have any personal experience with it.  And I know where to get accurate knowledge and information on the risks of drug use, the chances of future drug use, etc. I dated a former drug addict sober for a couple of years.  He made it very clear to me that while he was active in narcotics anonymous (is that the right name?) he knew he always risked a relapse.  I dated him four times and stopped only partly because of his past.  I strongly believe he relapsed.  I know of others who have not.  I know of others who were not addicted and didn't do drugs after college, etc.  There are many excellent resources for people who want accurate information about illegal drug use and consequences of all kinds.  No need for any personal experience. 

[mical]

If it's just weed don't worry if it happened in the past. It's not addictive and not very harmful compared to alcohol, but this can be debated.

Also, I'd stay away from LSD. It's not worth it and pointless and stupid. I know because maybe 10 years ago I did a little "experiment" at a music festival in the Czech Republic. My friend wanted to show me his hometown in Olomouc and we went to some electronic music festival, next thing you know there's like 10 of us and he gives us each something (LSD and half ecstasy)....I just remember music feeling very intense and the stars in the sky were really shining and bright. Anyways, I would honestly be a bit scared to do that again because I read some people can have very bad experiences so it's like playing russian-roulette, and any benefits are far less than the consequences..

Also since you wanna live a Christian lifestyle any kind of drugs, getting drunk, partying would not fit into that way of life. But it is also a Christian value to not judge others unless you want to be judged and forgive others if you want to be forgiven...which maybe is just as important

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, mical said:

Also since you wanna live a Christian lifestyle any kind of drugs, getting drunk, partying would not fit into that way of life. But it is also a Christian value to not judge others unless you want to be judged and forgive others if you want to be forgiven...which maybe is just as important

He need not judge her -and he can  also choose not to date her/get involved romantically.  Both can be easily true.

[mical]

Very true totally agree

[dias]

1 hour ago, mical said:

(LSD and half ecstasy)....I just remember music feeling very intense and the stars in the sky were really shining and bright.

I asked a friend today who has tried LSD many times and he described the same scenery/feeling lol. Not very useful drug, you can see the real northern lights in Norway. It would be useful if you could imagine a way to make money in the stock market lol

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, dias said:

I asked a friend today who has tried LSD many times and he described the same scenery/feeling lol. Not very useful drug, you can see the real northern lights in Norway. It would be useful if you could imagine a way to make money in the stock market lol

I wanna see Northern Lights so much! We don't have them in Australia but I heard somewhere that there's a place in Tasmania that apparently has them...

I had a really bad trip on LSD after I took it once, so I never took it again. Ecstacy felt amazing. If you were listening to music it felt like the music was just so beautiful and wrapping itself around you and you were "at one" with it. Lights seemed so bright and beautiful. And just had this good and warm feeling. Nice tingling down the arms and legs. Ecstacy is something that you can only take very rarely though because it really affects your brain pretty badly.

[Tinydance]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I have no experience taking illegal drugs.  Never want to have any personal experience with it.  And I know where to get accurate knowledge and information on the risks of drug use, the chances of future drug use, etc. I dated a former drug addict sober for a couple of years.  He made it very clear to me that while he was active in narcotics anonymous (is that the right name?) he knew he always risked a relapse.  I dated him four times and stopped only partly because of his past.  I strongly believe he relapsed.  I know of others who have not.  I know of others who were not addicted and didn't do drugs after college, etc.  There are many excellent resources for people who want accurate information about illegal drug use and consequences of all kinds.  No need for any personal experience. 

Well some people are clean and sober for very long and possibly the rest of their life. When I went to AA there were people there who had been alcoholics, but they were sober for like 30 years. They just continued to go to the meeting because AA has this belief that "once an addict, always an addict". 

Also I think not everyone who has tried drugs or occasionally uses drugs is even addicted. When you're young, like teenager or early 20's, often there'll be drugs at parties or people will take some When they go to a night club or something. Some people might smoke a joint at a party type of thing but they don't actually do drugs that much. However of course if the preference is to date someone who's never tried drugs then that is absolutely fine. 

Keeping in mind too that in some countries marijuana is legal and you can get it pretty easily. So it's probably seen along the same line as cigarettes and alcohol and not "drugs" per se.

[Tinydance]

This is slightly off topic but as someone who has struggled with alcohol for like twenty years, I actually think alcohol is even worse than some other drugs. It's very physically and psychologically addictive and the problem is it's legal and pretty acceptable in Western society.

You can buy it cheaply literally any time you want and now you can even order it on food delivery apps like Uber Eats. Alcohol is everywhere so it's so hard to avoid. Every time you go to a party or any event really, you see people drinking it. Very difficult for someone who has an addiction to it. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well some people are clean and sober for very long and possibly the rest of their life. When I went to AA there were people there who had been alcoholics, but they were sober for like 30 years. They just continued to go to the meeting because AA has this belief that "once an addict, always an addict". 

Also I think not everyone who has tried drugs or occasionally uses drugs is even addicted. When you're young, like teenager or early 20's, often there'll be drugs at parties or people will take some When they go to a night club or something. Some people might smoke a joint at a party type of thing but they don't actually do drugs that much. However of course if the preference is to date someone who's never tried drugs then that is absolutely fine. 

Keeping in mind too that in some countries marijuana is legal and you can get it pretty easily. So it's probably seen along the same line as cigarettes and alcohol and not "drugs" per se.

Yes. We totally agree if you read my post. When I dated marijuana was illegal. For me personally I was ok if the person tried marijuana once. In my 20s I dated someone seriously who drank too much and we came close to breaking up over it. It put me in a dangerous situation once.  I was never ok with someone who smoked pot occasionally either. Friends sure.  Romantic relationship nope.
And I’m also glad I had those values because of course it gets more complicated when the issue of having a child together comes into play as far as safety for the child and the child’s health and the mothers health during pregnancy. 
Starting at age 14 and for over ten years I was around illegal drugs regularly.  I went to many parties and dance clubs.  Never tried it. Never got drunk.
 I agree that alcohol is ubiquitous and just like people addicted to food I can’t imagine how hard it is.  And the pressure.  I was at a dinner party when I was 42 with an infant at home and mocked by my friend for not drinking.  Years later she announced on Facebook she was an alcoholic (and a mom of young kids). I was angry with her for treating me that way.  Now I kind of understand she probably felt defensive about her drinking.  Countless times people tried to pressure me to drink or try drugs. 
OP you can’t go wrong if you remain honest with yourself and stick to your values.  It’s not always easy but it is that simple. 

[Tinydance]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. We totally agree if you read my post. When I dated marijuana was illegal. For me personally I was ok if the person tried marijuana once. In my 20s I dated someone seriously who drank too much and we came close to breaking up over it. It put me in a dangerous situation once.  I was never ok with someone who smoked pot occasionally either. Friends sure.  Romantic relationship nope.
And I’m also glad I had those values because of course it gets more complicated when the issue of having a child together comes into play as far as safety for the child and the child’s health and the mothers health during pregnancy. 
Starting at age 14 and for over ten years I was around illegal drugs regularly.  I went to many parties and dance clubs.  Never tried it. Never got drunk.
 I agree that alcohol is ubiquitous and just like people addicted to food I can’t imagine how hard it is.  And the pressure.  I was at a dinner party when I was 42 with an infant at home and mocked by my friend for not drinking.  Years later she announced on Facebook she was an alcoholic (and a mom of young kids). I was angry with her for treating me that way.  Now I kind of understand she probably felt defensive about her drinking.  Countless times people tried to pressure me to drink or try drugs. 
OP you can’t go wrong if you remain honest with yourself and stick to your values.  It’s not always easy but it is that simple. 

Well I suppose also our society has gone through phases where drugs were more acceptable sort of thing. It used to be fashionable to smoke cigarettes for example and basically everyone smoked. In the 50's and 60's LSD was legal (or at least unregulated) and lots of people took it. I researched about it and it was a big thing back then. 

I think pressuring people to take drugs or drink is awful. I wouldn't do that to anyone. 

Yeah in my opinion it's the drugs that are legal that really become an issue because they are bad for you and they're highly addictive. I'm not saying it because I'm a prude but I actually think cigarettes and alcohol should be illegal or much more tightly controlled. When used heavily for a long time they cause all kinds of diseases. This woman I know was a heavy smoker and she quit the actual cigarettes but she's severely addicted to actual nicotine. She chews nicotine gum all day and spends a fortune on nicotine gum and patches. Seems like a big waste of money to me. Even though I know she's doing it for her health and smoking actual cigarettes would be much worse.