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Are there things you have struggled to overcome your whole life but just have not been able too so far?


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Hi Before I begin I am not only interested in comments good or bad to what I say but also the things you struggle with (if u decide to share such things) There are two things I have struggled with One I feel I have been making headway with but it can be so easy to  fall back I need to be careful and the other I have failed miserably at. I will begin with the latter People yelling and screaming at me. I remember when I was 10 my dad yelling at me about cleaning the tub and no matter how hard I tried to do what he wanted I was getting it wrong. It got worse and worse until I broke down crying in the tub and while I think somehow what happened affected me deeply because while I can survive yelling when I know I am wrong the terror (I know sounds stupid) I feel when someone is going to not only yell at me I am so desperate to avoid it that in my panic I fail miserably as a human being and I am not normally like that. I can’t go into specifics because I am too ashamed (and no I am not talking about other things I have talked about) Just saying when people scream at me and don’t stop I fall apart. The one area where I feel some personal growth is blaming myself and the reason I feel this way is that sometimes it can feel so easy to blame others like my dad this my wife did this or this is why I did this or acted like that and while it may be true that I reacted negatively to how others  treat me DOES NOT take the blame away from me. Like the reason I panic and fall apart when I even think someone is going to yell scream and beat me down is not that person’s fault. IT IS MY FAULT because I have failed to stop it or let it affect me. So since I know this, WHY Have I failed so miserably to correct it Why do I let myself fall apart? Is there a root reason that maybe I am not aware of yet? I do not know and the ONLY thing I know is that no matter who or what causes my behavior I can only work on myself and keep getting up and ask for Jesus’s help no matter how many times I fail

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1 hour ago, Mets6986 said:

I think somehow what happened affected me deeply because while I can survive yelling when I know I am wrong the terror (I know sounds stupid) I feel when someone is going to not only yell at me I am so desperate to avoid it that in my panic

This is the effects of trauma - could very well be PTSD.  That is difficult to live with and yes, it affects you in many ways.. like this.

You are affected, for sure & feel low about yourself.. understandable. 😕 

1 hour ago, Mets6986 said:

Like the reason I panic and fall apart when I even think someone is going to yell scream and beat me down is not that person’s fault. IT IS MY FAULT because I have failed to stop it or let it affect me.

It is NOT a fault.. It is an 'after effect'.. from your history ( childhood experiences).

Yes, is up to you to seek help in dealing with your trauma.

Professional help - therapy, to work on all of this, will help... help you understand your PTSD, coping skillls, etc.

 

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And yes, I've had to deal with it as well . PTSD, as I was affected as well, as a child (abuse, nelgect, etc).

I began getting help when I hit my teens (raging hormones) and a lot of memory arose... And, I have had ongoing therapy ( & meds), throughout my years, as needed..

 

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I've been yelled and screamed at verbally and in written form, too but I comprehend what you're saying regarding actually hearing it in person.  No one in their right might enjoys being yelled at, shouted at or screamed at. 

I too struggled and what helped me is realizing and accepting that I can't change people.  If they act a certain way from lack of empathy and emotional intelligence (Google "emotional intelligence"), it's their personality and character.  The best thing you or anyone can do for themselves is to enforce healthier, stronger boundaries.  Now that you're an adult, make yourself less available to those who are not kind to you. 

I'm a Christian, too.  Ask for wisdom and strength and how to deal with it.  Another thing that helps is not taking anyone's anger personally.  I've noticed that any time a person is volatile with their temperament, it's not about you at all.  These types of explosive and impulsive people are miserable within their souls.  Something is troubling them.  You don't know.  It could be personal health, poor relationships in the home, poor relationships with another person, at work, insecurities, financial woes and it runs the gamut.  Often times, the source of their ire is not about you.  Their anger evolves into uncontrollable frustration which spills onto you in the form of yelling and screaming. 

I remember my mother yelling and screaming at me frequently when I was a child.  She was in the throws of a hellacious marriage to my late father who beat her, punched her teeth out, we never had enough money and I never saw her smile when I was a kid.  Fast forward.  Nowadays, she's a sweet little old lady, soft spoken and kind.  It's amazing to observe her transformation like night and day.  She is not the angry and infuriated young mother she once was. 

Don't live in the past anymore.  Only live for today.  Learn to forgive as a Christian.  In Christian speak, forgive does not mean condone nor forget.  Forgive means to move on continually. 

I hope you will heal your wounds. 

 

 

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13 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

It is NOT a fault.. It is an 'after effect'.. from your history ( childhood experiences).

Yes, is up to you to seek help in dealing with your trauma.

Professional help - therapy, to work on all of this, will help... help you understand your PTSD, coping skillls, etc.

 

I agree with this.  You cannot go on like this indefinitely.

You do NOT have to forgive and forget! You do NOT even have to forgive. There is no excuse in this wide world for screaming and verbally abusing a child, or indeed anyone for that matter. 

Why on earth would you blame yourself? 

Your present sad situation is the result of toxic "parenting".  That's the one and only root reason. 

14 hours ago, Mets6986 said:

Is there a root reason that maybe I am not aware of yet?

 

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Posted (edited)

Also been yelled at lots when I was growing up. I really love my father and consider him a hero to me because he is a super hardworker and the most brave person I know, but yeah being swore at was a normal thing. I remember I got hit with a baseball in my eye when I was 6 and couldn't see for like 2 minutes my dad saying "Stop crying you F(*&@#42 baby!!" Anyways, now that I look back I see it made me a very strong person..pretty much anyone could yell or confront me and I would just be calm and not afraid of anything like this (actually happened too recently and I have a very interesting story, but perhaps another time!)

But it will get better. We all have an issue (or two) we'd like to improve and I believe it's always possible to improve, even little by little.

One of my things I'm trying to improve is that I'm super assertive. I did this test called understandingyourself dot com by a renowned psychology professor looking at the big 5 personality traits just for fun and found out I was top 1% percentile in this area which can be good or not good in situations...it actually gives some tips and what to look out for and it's really neat because you can get a friend or partner to take the test and it will compare all aspects and show what areas are you most compatible and which you may need to work on...it's really eye opening!

I know someone who had panic attacks and it really did go away with a little bit of help. Nobody is perfect and we are all growing in many areas of our lives so definitely don't feel ashamed or anything. I like to think of living life getting better 1% each day. It sounds small, but actually overtime it really does add up...

Edited by mical
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On 5/29/2021 at 7:41 PM, Mets6986 said:

WHY Have I failed so miserably to correct it Why do I let myself fall apart?

You're not "letting yourself" fall apart, you're bracing for impact and probably feeing a little despair. That's a perfectly natural reflex, given the circumstances you grew up in.

I had a mom who used to flip out and scream and yell, so I know what it's like. Even as an adult, I've caught myself bracing for impact when the circumstances actually didn't warrant it. 

Sometimes, you have to wait a beat and let things play out before you allow yourself to react. Take a few deep breaths, ask yourself if you're really in a threatening situation. 

Have you tried therapy?

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 5/29/2021 at 7:41 PM, Mets6986 said:

Hi Before I begin I am not only interested in comments good or bad to what I say but also the things you struggle with (if u decide to share such things) There are two things I have struggled with One I feel I have been making headway with but it can be so easy to  fall back I need to be careful and the other I have failed miserably at. I will begin with the latter People yelling and screaming at me. I remember when I was 10 my dad yelling at me about cleaning the tub and no matter how hard I tried to do what he wanted I was getting it wrong. It got worse and worse until I broke down crying in the tub and while I think somehow what happened affected me deeply because while I can survive yelling when I know I am wrong the terror (I know sounds stupid) I feel when someone is going to not only yell at me I am so desperate to avoid it that in my panic I fail miserably as a human being and I am not normally like that. I can’t go into specifics because I am too ashamed (and no I am not talking about other things I have talked about) Just saying when people scream at me and don’t stop I fall apart. The one area where I feel some personal growth is blaming myself and the reason I feel this way is that sometimes it can feel so easy to blame others like my dad this my wife did this or this is why I did this or acted like that and while it may be true that I reacted negatively to how others  treat me DOES NOT take the blame away from me. Like the reason I panic and fall apart when I even think someone is going to yell scream and beat me down is not that person’s fault. IT IS MY FAULT because I have failed to stop it or let it affect me. So since I know this, WHY Have I failed so miserably to correct it Why do I let myself fall apart? Is there a root reason that maybe I am not aware of yet? I do not know and the ONLY thing I know is that no matter who or what causes my behavior I can only work on myself and keep getting up and ask for Jesus’s help no matter how many times I fail

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If someone could tell me how to delete, that would be great. Lol

Edited by Mona Lisa
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