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I just can't get over being older than him even by just 2y


cheny
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...Is it because I'm scared of what people will say? or has society really messed with my head making me think that the guy should be older not the other way around. That's the norm? It's absolutely ridiculous. I don't know why I'm having troubles with this.

It doesn't help either that I once had a friend who dated a guy only 1y 2 months younger than her and their families (mostly his) made it a big deal and made them break up because she was "too old for him". Sounds silly but this is real, it happens. Especially with older generation parents. People still ctually have this mentality engraved from long ago. It makes it harder to avoid judgement and shady comments throughout our relationship.

I'm usually a strong minded person but this gave me anxiety. I have had really strong feelings for this guy I met at my church 2 years ago. And it's only getting worse. He's just so amazing and I want to pursue something with him. I always automatically assumed that when I like a guy he's either the same age as me or older. It makes me comfortable.

Then I found out he was 2 years younger than me. You see, he's 25 and I turned 27. We're both adults and I understand that everything should be fine. I've just never entertained the idea of a guy being younger than me and now I'm being tested I guess.

It's silly I know and sad I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I really like him. Why am I like this?

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5 minutes ago, cheny said:

People still actually have this mentality engraved from long ago

Not so.

I have older relatives, now in their seventies. She is four years older than her husband and no one thought anything of it when they married a long time ago. I could cite other people (older) where the wife is between one year and four years older than her husband.

Who cares what people think or say.  If you don't mind the two year difference in ages what more needs to be said. 

Just get on with hit. 

 

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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, cheny said:

I met at my church 2 years ago. He's just so amazing and I want to pursue something with him. he's 25 and I turned 27.

Instead of daydreaming or catastrophizing, ask him for a low-key coffee.

See how that goes. You don't even know if he wants to date, since that hasn't happened so it's impossible to project that age is an issue. (unless you think he's too immature or not at the same life stage as you)

Best way to sound the situation out is coffee. You'll find out a lot more and can get a sense of if he's available as someone to date or interested.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I'm 13 months older than my husband.  It's no big deal to either of us and it never has been.  Age is just a number.  You need to remember that.  It has nothing to do with the person as a whole.

My husband's mother was a few months older than his father.  No biggie.

I dont know why you think this way, it's certainly not the norm.  Perhaps a session or two with a therapist could be beneficial.

The big take away here - who cares what other people say!  It doesn't matter.  Nobody cares.

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Decide whether you like the guy enough to get beyond this, or whether you want to use it as a barrier.

You're an adult. That choice is yours. So is the choice to torture yourself over a superficial thing.

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1 hour ago, cheny said:

has society really messed with my head making me think that the guy should be older not the other way around. That's the norm?

IMO, I think this is 'old'.  Age doesn't matter either way ( unless it's a huge difference, lol).

1 hour ago, cheny said:

t I once had a friend who dated a guy only 1y 2 months younger than her and their families (mostly his) made it a big deal and made them break up because she was "too old for him". Sounds silly but this is real, it happens.

Yup, it is silly!  Seriously 😕 

 

What's happened with your friends family/parents. Has nothing to do with you.

You are allowed to date someone a cpl years younger 🙂 . If you're into him, give it a try.

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Posted (edited)

Not that you may even have a future with your crush, you don't get to choose other people's partners, and I'm sure you don't badmouth or criticize others for their choices, so why on earth do you think anybody else has a say so in your choice? And that you'd live a life of being ostracized by society with a measly 2 year age gap?

If people around me were that judgmental, I'd be moving to a normal town instead of staying in some backward crazy-town. But really, those unfounded thoughts are probably a product of your own mental jail.

I'm 3 years older than my husband. We were born in the same decade, have fun talking about similar experiences growing up--the tv shows, the types of candy, being free-range children, and we like the same music. 

But if you can't get past these nonsense gender dynamics, then do him a favor and don't ask him for coffee. He doesn't need to be sitting across from a woman who feels uneasy about his age when it comes to the possibility of dating him. Relationships are hard enough to add that into the mix.

 

Edited by Andrina
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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, cheny said:

Then I found out he was 2 years younger than me. You see, he's 25 and I turned 27. We're both adults and I understand that everything should be fine. I've just never entertained the idea of a guy being younger than me and now I'm being tested I guess.

I suggest you go for it, and here is why: I once felt the same way that you did. I met the guy when I was 24 and he was 21. We were in the same karate school. The age difference was a big deal to me, even three years later, when I was 27 and he was 24. I just couldn't get past it and I think about that sometimes, because what happened is, he died. I posted about it on this site, a couple years ago:

Years later, when I was 32, I dated a guy who was 27. And when I was 33, I dated a guy who was 28. Five years wasn't a big deal. 27 and 25 is not a big age gap. Early 20s, there's a maturity disparity. But mid-20s on, things start to even out. It's really not a big deal. 

Edited by Jibralta
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Yes, society has messed with your head and the notion that the man has to be older is extremely patriarchal — in different societies at different times the view was that women needed an authority figure in their lives to keep them in line. It’s appalling. 
 

I have to tell you that most of my female friends who have been in long-lasting relationships are actually married to younger men, from 13 months to seven years. I am not, my husband is 19 days older than I am and thank heavens! Or I would never have brought myself to date him 😉

What is far more important in dating is compatibility, kindness and similar morals. Worry about what really matters. 

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35 minutes ago, arjumand said:

 notion that the man has to be older is extremely patriarchal

This wording is a bit extreme don't you think? So the reverse is not extremely matriarchal? 

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Posted (edited)

No, because it never happened accompanied by actual writing and oration on the need for women to keep men in line for the sake of society and country. 
 

Women marrying men younger than they are is not something enured into Western society in a way that makes not doing so odd. 

Edited by arjumand
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Posted (edited)

I am 2.5 years older than my husband. No big woop. Never had an issue. My husband’s parents are almost 90,never had an issue. We met when he was a few months past 20 and I was almost 23. His parents were late 50’s then. Mine were early 40’s. Never had an issue. 

Edited by Seraphim
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7 minutes ago, arjumand said:

No, because it never happened accompanied by actual writing and oration on the need for women to keep men in line for the sake of society and country. 
 

Women marrying men younger than they are is not something enured into Western society in a way that makes not doing so odd. 

Excuse my ignorance my dear, I don't watch history channel.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, arjumand said:

What is far more important in dating is compatibility, kindness and similar morals. Worry about what really matters. 

Quite so Arjumand. 

 

1 hour ago, arjumand said:

in different societies at different times the view was that women needed an authority figure in their lives to keep them in line. It’s appalling.

Yes, in times in the distant past that might indeed have been the line of thinking.  However, I feel that age should not be an inhibiting factor in marriage. Equally, I know women who are married to men ten, twenty or thirty years older than them.  No big deal. 

Isn't it amazing how the most innocuous threads can touch a nerve with some.  

Edited by LaHermes
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Disclaimer -I wouldn't marry my husband till a week after he wanted to so we'd be the same age LOL (I am 3 months older!).  Excellent advice here.  I will add.  To me part of an adult serious romantic relationship is accepting that there will always be opinions on your choice/choices and some of them might be negative.  You have to be able to deal with those opinions maturely - ignore those that are nonsensical and/or unsolicited, take into account solicited opinions from people who have your best interests at heart and choose your partner over what "society" might think.  Truth is most people are far more concerned with themselves than with you.

It really doesn't matter why you feel a certain way - what matters is how you react.  So if you're ok with this guy being snapped up by some other gal while you stay true to your age-focus then react by not pursuing a relationship with him.  Let him find someone who is ok with it or even likes it that way.

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The last two men I dated were 7 years younger and 8 years younger, respectively.  No one cared.

Does what "society" or your "community" think take priority over what you think?  If so, why?

And have you even dated this man or do you just find him attractive?  Have you had conversations with him?  Has he expressed interest in dating you?

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2 years? BAHHHAHAHA, that's nothing and truth be told, no one will ever give a damn. I'm 6 years older than my husband. Don't see people running a muck in the time square with lit touches and pitch forks for over 30 years now. You are being silly.

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4 hours ago, cheny said:

Thank you everyone for your amazing yet brutally honest advice lol and insight on my issue. I needed that. I will take all of this in.

BUT will you approach him about going for coffee?   This is all in your head and may not matter if he isn't interested in you right?

  Ask him if he would like to join you for lunch after services.  It would be the perfect time and place and lunch is a safe bet.  Be brave and ask him to lunch.

Lost

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If it bothers you this much, don't date him. Find someone else who checks off all your boxes. Your discomfort will be translated to your interactions together and it's awful and discriminatory to be at the brunt of that. He doesn't need that. 

You're entitled to your preferences, by the way. Don't overthink this please. Follow your heart and be kind to one another.

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7 hours ago, cheny said:

Thank you everyone for your amazing yet brutally honest advice lol and insight on my issue. I needed that. I will take all of this in.

You date and fall in love with whomever you want. You only live once so choose what will make you happy!

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Age disparity matters in a way that you are easier to connect because you have gone through similar things. My generation still read comic books, that was an actual thing. 8-10 years younger or older probably dont even know what comics are. Well they do now because of movies but still, my point is I do get generation gap. Not to mention that women are generally more mature ones so they usually go for little older guys. But that doesnt mean its a rule, my friends wife is 5,5 years older then him and they do just fine. I had a female friend that did find 10 years younger guy. That was kinda too much but she goes for looks so she didnt mind. But 2 years difference? That is like nothing. 

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