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Are we dating? Hanging out? 26F + 38M


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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well to be fair just because he doesn't want a relationship with her doesn't make him a terrible doctor or terrible human being in general. He just wants companionship and FWB and he actually said that with honesty. It's not like he lied to her.

I fully endorse what you say Tiny. 

Edited by LaHermes
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On 5/29/2021 at 3:21 PM, danielleloren said:

I am anxious about the whole situation because I really do find myself with strong feelings for him.

Strong feelings are the opposite of what you said about wanting something casual. When women have sex with someone, hormones are released that have her wanting to bond with him, even if he's the wrong partner. 

Basically everything is on his own terms, and he doesn't even care enough to please a partner by being more affectionate. I know that that doesn't come naturally to some people, but would it really kill him to hold hands when he knows it would please a partner, even though he doesn't get much out of it? That takes such minimal effort that he's not willing to give.

Get real with yourself. What does being casual mean? Does it mean you expect a short term relationship, a sexual companion you will never be longterm with, like a placeholder until you're ready to date with a longterm potential goal in mind? Or does it mean something else to you?

Whenever people have two different relationship goals, it'll never work out. I think you're anxious because what you're saying your relationship goal is, is not what you emotionally really want.

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9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Strong feelings are the opposite of what you said about wanting something casual. When women have sex with someone, hormones are released that have her wanting to bond with him, even if he's the wrong partner. 

Basically everything is on his own terms, and he doesn't even care enough to please a partner by being more affectionate. I know that that doesn't come naturally to some people, but would it really kill him to hold hands when he knows it would please a partner, even though he doesn't get much out of it? That takes such minimal effort that he's not willing to give.

Get real with yourself. What does being casual mean? Does it mean you expect a short term relationship, a sexual companion you will never be longterm with, like a placeholder until you're ready to date with a longterm potential goal in mind? Or does it mean something else to you?

Whenever people have two different relationship goals, it'll never work out. I think you're anxious because what you're saying your relationship goal is, is not what you emotionally really want.

Maybe he was concerned holding her hand would lead her on since he likely could tell she was getting attached.  

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5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

He sounds completely self-centered and self-absorbed. You would think that a doctor would have empathy and compassion, and be attentive to other people. But unfortunately, many people become doctors for the money, and society gives them a big fat pass on their lack of humanity. Are you going to give him a pass, too?

Ah absolutely. He only went to medical school because he was very smart. School came easy to him. He's a very interesting individual. A long history of alcohol abuse. He's a lung doctor who is addicted to nicotine and vaping Marajuana and then on the weekends using shrooms. 

To be honest he was not the guy I thought he was when I met him at work. Why am I having such a hard time letting go? Or just keeping it casual? 

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1 minute ago, danielleloren said:

Ah absolutely. He only went to medical school because he was very smart. School came easy to him. He's a very interesting individual. A long history of alcohol abuse. He's a lung doctor who is addicted to nicotine and vaping Marajuana and then on the weekends using shrooms. 

To be honest he was not the guy I thought he was when I met him at work. Why am I having such a hard time letting go? Or just keeping it casual? 

He is a walking personality disorder.

You are a normal person with normal attachments and that's why you can't keep it casual. When you get involved and have sex, you will develop an attachment like a normal human being. Unfortunately for you, this man doesn't. He will use you on his terms and kick you out if you dare ask for more.

A poisonous snake may be interesting, but probably best that you don't share a bed with it.

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21 minutes ago, danielleloren said:

Ah absolutely. He only went to medical school because he was very smart. School came easy to him. He's a very interesting individual. A long history of alcohol abuse. He's a lung doctor who is addicted to nicotine and vaping Marajuana and then on the weekends using shrooms. 

To be honest he was not the guy I thought he was when I met him at work. Why am I having such a hard time letting go? Or just keeping it casual? 

Ummm...how often does he use marijuana, alcohol and magic mushrooms? It doesn't seem to me like using these substances on a regular basis would actually allow a person to actually be in the right state of mind. Like, to actually be physically and mentally sound and alert. I'm 36 and I struggle with alcohol. I never drink at work of course but every time I binge drink, I get like a two day hangover. It's because I'm older now and my body can't handle it. I actually only binge drink like once a week but unfortunately do have like 1-2 bottles of wine. I don't really understand how a 38-year-old can use these substances and then work as a doctor. Sounds very concerning!

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Posted (edited)
20 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

When you get involved and have sex, you will develop an attachment like a normal human being. 

Meh only when you are a woman

The concerning part is that he is addicted to weed and magic mushrooms. What kind of doctor is that? What kind of diagnosis is he doing when he consumes mushrooms? He would be seeing dragons inside the patient's lungs.

Edited by dias
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Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, danielleloren said:

Ah absolutely. He only went to medical school because he was very smart. School came easy to him. He's a very interesting individual. A long history of alcohol abuse. He's a lung doctor who is addicted to nicotine and vaping Marajuana and then on the weekends using shrooms. 

To be honest he was not the guy I thought he was when I met him at work. Why am I having such a hard time letting go? Or just keeping it casual? 

It doesn't really seem like you can actually keep it casual though. Also do you have a list of what you're looking for in a guy for a relationship? Maybe write it down. Does he match what you're looking for? If not then even if he did want a relationship, it would be best not to have one with him. If you want a boyfriend then keep your eyes on the prize and look for a guy who is actually what you want. And who wants to be with YOU.

The thing is that most FWB just fizzle out anyway. It's either because one person catches feelings or one or both people get bored or find someone else. They're just a temporary thing. Actually I had an FWB for 2.5 years who is my actual good friend though. But when I found a serious partner I immediately ended it. Don't ask me how and why it lasted for 2.5 years lol

Edited by Tinydance
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5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Ummm...how often does he use marijuana, alcohol and magic mushrooms? It doesn't seem to me like using these substances on a regular basis would actually allow a person to actually be in the right state of mind. Like, to actually be physically and mentally sound and alert. I'm 36 and I struggle with alcohol. I never drink at work of course but every time I binge drink, I get like a two day hangover. It's because I'm older now and my body can't handle it. I actually only binge drink like once a week but unfortunately do have like 1-2 bottles of wine. I don't really understand how a 38-year-old can use these substances and then work as a doctor. Sounds very concerning!

Yes the drinking was a problem for him and his career. He stopped completely around 3 years ago and speaks with someone weekly. 

But obviously that someone doesn't know about the shrooms.

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Posted (edited)
37 minutes ago, danielleloren said:

A long history of alcohol abuse. He's a lung doctor who is addicted to nicotine and vaping Marajuana and then on the weekends using shrooms. 

 

12 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Sounds very concerning!

What it sounds is highly unlikely. 

 

37 minutes ago, danielleloren said:

He only went to medical school because he was very smart.

Is that what he told you OP?  Not because he had an interest in medicine as a career?

You yourself said:

"The man is married to his work. "

And now you say:

"He stopped completely around 3 years ago and speaks with someone weekly. 

But obviously that someone doesn't know about the shrooms."

How do YOU know?! Do you know this persons "he speaks to". ?

I get the distinct impression that you don't even like this man. So, why bother.

 

Edited by LaHermes
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Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

 

What it sounds is highly unlikely. 

 

Is that what he told you OP?  Not because he had an interest in medicine as a career?

 

Well it's not unlikely if he only uses these drugs occasionally or not heavily. E.g. If he smokes one joint on a Friday night or something. But if he uses them heavily then I really doubt he'd be able to continue to be a doctor. Also marijuana makes people slow and lazy lol No offence to anyone here who smokes it. I don't know how magic mushrooms affect you, I never tried them. I'm not really that keen on psychedelics coz I took acid once and had a really bad trip. I just don't want to risk it...

Edited by Tinydance
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3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well it's not unlikely if he only uses these drugs occasionally or not heavily. E.g. If he smokes one joint on a Friday night or something. But if he uses them heavily then I really doubt he'd be able to continue to be a doctor. Also marijuana makes people slow and lazy lol No offence to anyone here who smokes it.

Yeah it's just a weekend thing. 

It seems he has thrown himself into work to avoid the drinking. 

 

And as for going to medical school, yes that is what he told me. He was smart, had good grades and didn't know what to choose 

 

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Posted (edited)

NO, Tiny, I did not mean unlikely in the sense that he might be strung out on drugs and unable to work.

What I am seeing here is the woman scorned.  Then I suppose hospital gossip is a feature of some if not all hospitals. 

Yes, OP, you do have to have excellent points to get into medical school.  It is academically demanding.  So why should he not choose medical school above another career.  Many others do. 

Why not date outside the hospital staff circle?  Date someone in a different profession (dentist, architect, psychologist, or even a cab or train driver!)

Edited by LaHermes
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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

NO, Tiny, I did not mean unlikely in the sense that he might be strung out on drugs and unable to work.

What I am seeing here is the woman scorned.  Then I suppose hospital gossip is a feature of some if not all hospitals. 

Lol Well I don't know, I'm not really sure if any of this makes him an actual bad guy. But I do get the sense that he's not really someone who actually wants to lead a lifestyle where he wants to settle down. E.g.  Some 38-year-old men would be married with kids already so they would probably not use these drugs mainly because of the fact that they need to take care of a child or baby. Obviously this is a man who likes his freedom and not being attached and doing what he wants. In that sense however he's not exactly doing anything wrong because he's honest about his lifestyle. And people are actually entitled to lead the life they want.

Actually, speaking of my old FWB lol He told me from the start that he's polyamorous and he's against marriage and he will never get married. I actually always wanted to get married and have kids and to be monogamous. So we decided to just be FWB. But I never expected him to change what he wanted.

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11 minutes ago, dias said:

Meh only when you are a woman

The concerning part is that he is addicted to weed and magic mushrooms. What kind of doctor is that? What kind of diagnosis is he doing when he consumes mushrooms? He would be seeing dragons inside the patient's lungs.

You'd be shocked just how many doctors use and abuse all kinds of drugs, legal and otherwise, given the knowledge and access that they have to these things and never get caught or reported.

 

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1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

I'm not really sure if any of this makes him an actual bad guy.

Of course it doesn't. (But it seems to be "bash the medical profession day!!).

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

this is a man who likes his freedom and not being attached and doing what he wants. In that sense however he's not exactly doing anything wrong because he's honest about his lifestyle. And people are actually entitled to lead the life they want.

Precisely Tiny.  If the man wants to remain a bachelor forever that's his business and his choice.

I would advice the OP to date elsewhere. 

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1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Lol Well I don't know, I'm not really sure if any of this makes him an actual bad guy. But I do get the sense that he's not really someone who actually wants to lead a lifestyle where he wants to settle down. E.g.  Some 38-year-old men would be married with kids already so they would probably not use these drugs mainly because of the fact that they need to take care of a child or baby. Obviously this is a man who likes his freedom and not being attached and doing what he wants. In that sense however he's not exactly doing anything wrong because he's honest about his lifestyle. And people are actually entitled to lead the life they want.

Actually, speaking of my old FWB lol He told me from the start that he's polyamorous and he's against marriage and he will never get married. I actually always wanted to get married and have kids and to be monogamous. So we decided to just be FWB. But I never expected him to change what he wanted.

He is very set in his ways and there's nothing wrong with that. He's entitled to his own life and own hobbies. And in no way I am saying he's a bad man. I very much admire him and his work ethic. That's what drew me to him in the first place. He just lives a very different lifestyle than most docs his age. 

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I think it's all speculation.  The facts are for whatever reason he didn't want a relationship with her or he wasn't available for a relationship and we know that as a fact because he told her so. The rest is  a combo of woman scorned/tired old cliche of woman telling herself she enjoys casual sex, agreeing to it, regretting it, blaming the guy.  Outcome typically is high risk of jadedness about "men".  I never allowed myself to get cynical or jaded about men as a gender other than maybe for a couple of hours. I wouldn't be married now if I had.  

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Just now, danielleloren said:

He just lives a very different lifestyle than most docs his age. 

Again I ask. How do you know OP?  Do you know ALL the 38 year old doctors in the country. Lol.

Off the top of my head I can think right now of eight doctors that we know, quite well, and I could not venture any opinion as to what their lifestyle might be, and less so what they do in the privacy of their own homes. 

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's all speculation.  The facts are for whatever reason he didn't want a relationship with her or he wasn't available for a relationship and we know that as a fact because he told her so. The rest is  a combo of woman scorned/tired old cliche of woman telling herself she enjoys casual sex, agreeing to it, regretting it, blaming the guy.  Outcome typically is high risk of jadedness about "men".  I never allowed myself to get cynical or jaded about men as a gender other than maybe for a couple of hours. I wouldn't be married now if I had.  

Well actually catching feelings is involuntary so that part wasn't really her fault. He's been honest that he doesn't want a relationship with her so I guess now she just has to make a decision whether she wants to end it or continue the FWB. I think looking for signs that he might change his mind isn't going to change how he feels. Sure, he didn't have sex for three days and just hung out and he's not seeing anyone else. But what he's saying is he doesn't want a relationship so that's how he really feels.

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4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Again I ask. How do you know OP?  Do you know ALL the 38 year old doctors in the country. Lol.

Off the top of my head I can think right now of eight doctors that we know, quite well, and I could not venture any opinion as to what their lifestyle might be, and less so what they do in the privacy of their own homes. 

I'm actually laughing a bit coz this reminds me of what happened to my best friend. We were holidaying in this tourist beach place that's super popular with backpackers. I don't know why, maybe because we were drinking a lot, but she matched on a couple on Tinder or something. It was this man and woman who were a couple and they wanted to have a threesome with another woman. They were both doctors. Actually I think they may have been emergency room doctors??! They both definitely worked at a hospital. On their Tinder profile they said they were "420 friendly". My friend met up with them and they invited her back to their place for some fun and to smoke weed.

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

Just imagine Tiny, doctors are actually human, not extraterrestrials. 😄😎

Some are probably wild coz they need to blow off steam in their free time 😉 I mean, it's a very stressful job! But so is being a nurse!

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1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

they need to blow off steam in their free time

Don't we all, Tiny, Don't we all. LOL.

OP, there are plenty of other professions to home in on.  And I am sure your hospital has a few male nurses as well. Yes?  How about one of them?

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