Jump to content

Issues with Financial Stability


Recommended Posts

I have been married for about ten and a half months and I hate my marriage. I have been with my husband off and on since I was 14 years old and now we are both in our 30’s and have two kids together and one on the way. Our financial situation is about as band as it can get in a marriage. My husband grew up poor in the projects and had to find a way to get money at an early age he was doing thing legally and illegally to get by which worked for him as a single man but once we decided to be an official adult couple in our early 20’s things took a turn for the worst. He has been an impulsive spender fir the six years and there has been no let up. I am a medical professional so I make the bulk of our money and he contributes when he can but he mostly spends and spends we have gotten down to zero more times then I can count. I know your probably thinking, if this started as soon as you got together why get married nine years later and that’s a valid question I married him out of selfishness I came from a two parent home and I wanted my sons to have what I has hoping that it would turn it to half of what my parents were but here we are still not stable living in a two bedroom apartment with two other adults because financially I don’t trust that we could live on our own and not be evicted or have my kids taken from us for neglect. I don’t have the energy anymore to want to figure this out. I’m not getting younger and I have goals and dreams that I want to see through before my time is up. I am standing on top of divorce papers and I feel like the hope to fix this is so far gone. Any advice????

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
31 minutes ago, StephanieRider said:

He has been an impulsive spender fir the six years and there has been no let up. I am a medical professional so I make the bulk of our money and he contributes when he can but he mostly spends and spends we have gotten down to zero more times then I can count.

Privately and confidentially contact an attorney to set up trusts/accounts in your kids names that only you are the guardian of.

Also yes, divorce him since being married is a financial nightmare  with someone like this.

Check your credit scores, credit cards and all your accounts. Check your tax returns.

Change ALL your passwords. Have your pay direct-deposited in a separate account.

 Unfortunately you're married so can't hide money (except as mentioned above). 

 You need to focus on yourself and your kids. Your children are dependents, not a spouse with drug, prostitution, gambling, alcohol or shopping addiction problems

Whatever his issues are, he's not going to change his habits. 

Do Not set up joint accounts.

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Set up 3 accounts: HIS, HERS and OURS. 

Nobody gets to spend any of their earnings until the OURS account is satisfied each month.

The OURS account is based on a monthly budget of all shared expenses, savings and investments.

Each contributes to the OURS account based on percentage of income.

Once the OURS account is satisfied each month, the remainder of earnings goes into the HIS and HERS accounts according to earnings, and that's the only money that each of you can spend independently.

So it becomes a self-limiting issue, where his spending can't exceed his own account, and where he chooses to spend his own funds can be irrelevant.

If this isn't something that would work for you, then seek legal advice on the best ways to protect yourself and your children, regardless of whether you seek a legal separation or eventual divorce.

It's advice, not a dictate on what you may choose to do--but it's based on real legal information rather than emotions alone. 

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's time to see a lawyer and in the meantime, you need to deposit your paychecks in a separate, individual account that he has no access to. Get credit monitoring to make sure he's not opening accounts in your name. If he has access to any joint credit cards, go and cancel those so he can't spend anymore. 

Go in and cancel any "unncessary" subscriptions. Pay for the essentials but that's it. It's time to hunker down. If he wants to spend, he can do so with his meager account, now that your paychecks aren't going into it. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

He is very risky $$ wise.  And he hasn't changed in the years you've been with him 😕 .. Irrisponsible re: taking care of his family/kids.

You need to kick in and make sure your kids are cared for, best you can.

If you can find a place of your own.. leave him to fend for himself (stay there if he chooses).

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

If you can find a place of your own.. leave him to fend for himself (stay there if he chooses).

They are legally married, so before abandoning him/the house she needs to get legal advice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
Posted (edited)

My dad is a compulsive gambler that has lost several million over the years, at 90% of the time has not told my mom, his wife about it.  From selling their paid life insurance policies to cashing in his entire 401K to where my mom had to bail him out since he didn't report the tax penalties.  He still regularly opens a new credit card and maxes it out.  They are still married over 50 years.  You need to keep your own money in a separate account.  Get your name off any credit card you share together because he will destroy or has destroyed your credit.  Close off all credit cards of his, and put a max limit if you let him keep one.  I know this is all controlling, but your hubs has a problem - he can't help himself.  Whether you choose to stay or not, he cannot have ready access like this to your money, which you need to put food on the table, a roof over your head, and clothes on your kids.

Edited by tattoobunnie
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with all the practical advice above.  And I also would since you didn't marry him because you loved, respected and admired him but because you thought marriage would motivate him to want a stable two-parent home. But your kids aren't seeing stability and there was little chance they woulld have given what you knew about him and his past.  Certainly focus on co-parenting the best you can.  I'm glad you're received such great financial advice here.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you ever talk to him and tried to get him some counseling about his spending? It's usually a symptom of a deeper issue like OCD/addictive personality or depression. Obviously he isn't really in his right mind if he is putting his children at risk of starving and everyone being homeless, and divorce. I suggest you work on making it better and do everything possible like seeking out a financial adviser at your bank. Do it right, do it as a team.

If he gets a whiff of you cutting him off/kicking him to the curb, he's going to get credit cards behind your back, by forging your name to get them. That will make you responsible as well as him for that debt..and that's a dangerous road to go down. You already said he's familiar with doing criminal activity. If you divorce him... making him a single man again, guess what he's going to do? He's going to go right back to a life of crime as he was doing before. You want your kids to see that? AND since you are the main money maker in that family, that will make you responsible for paying him alimony. So choose your next move wisely.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hear you.  My late father (also chain smoking alcoholic wife beater who punched my mother's teeth out) always borrowed money from friends and banks, my childhood house had a second mortgage, we lived beyond our means, he never had a good job, we never had medical insurance and we lived a hand-to-mouth existence.  By the time he mercifully passed away and left poor mother a young widow, he left her with almost $400K debt which she paid off every penny all by herself without filing for bankruptcy.  If she's not the strongest and toughest woman I had ever known, I don't know who is.  My mother worked three jobs seven days a week while raising three children all by herself. 

My mother taught me financial independence which is my strongest suit.  I have my own job and my own money.  In the past, I've made it on my own and I can always survive on my own as well.  My husband and I have joint and separate accounts.  We have two sons.

I agree with others.  Consult a divorce attorney.  Do you have anyone who can help you with childcare?  Get job skills so you can support your children.  If my mother can do it, so can you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Why You Should NEVER Chase Your Ex
      You should NEVER chase your ex, no matter what... even if you want to get back together. In this video, I’ll explain what exactly I mean by that… and why it’s so important if you want your ex back. Here's the simple truth: if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back. Even if you DON'T want your ex back, you still shouldn't let yourself chase after them. Watch the full video to find out why...

       
      • 0 replies
    • How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩
      How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩... In this dating advice video, I will explain to you how to know she’s the one and give you five signs she’s the one as well as give you one red flag that you need to look out for. You may want to know whether she’s the one on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these dating tips and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Odd Signs You're Seeking Approval from Others Outside of Yourself
      In this YouTube Video, Lisa A Romano discusses 5 signs that indicate you're still seeking approval from others outside of you. If you are codependent, and you struggle with self-love, you may not realize the signs you're seeking approval from others. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect lead to a sense of feeling unseen. If you feel unseen, you may seek approval in odd ways. It may not be obvious when you are looking for validation from others. In this video, Lisa A Romano breaks down these 5 signs, and what they mean; hypervigilance, neediness, low self-worth, never feeling fulfilled and what it means when you become a perpetual seeker.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...