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Stuck between my girlfriend being angry at me and my family being angry at me


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Hi all. Never thought I'd be posting on one of these forums but here we go. 

My girlfriend doesn't want me going to family events, gatherings, etc. because of covid. I absolutely understand this, but my family wants me to go to them because they're important events. It's been happening in waves since this bloody virus began but the most recent one is my nephew's birthday party, today.

If I go, I'm angering my girlfriend, even though I've promised I'll stay outside and socially distance. In her words, "We both know *they* won't though." If I don't go, I'll be disappointing my family.

I'm at the point that, when an event comes up, all I want to do is get on a bus somewhere far away from the whole thing. I catch myself daydreaming about sitting in a cafe or Airbnb 100 miles away, adding them all into a group chat that opens with "For the past year, every time an event comes up, you've been putting me in a really awkward position where I will always end up disappointing/angering someone and I can't put up with the stress of it anymore" and then putting my phone on silent for 24 hours. I obviously won't do this but it's not a good sign for my mental health that I'm having escape fantasies. 

As the title says, I'm feeling unfairly trapped in the middle of two bad scenarios where I end up with somebody angry at me. What can I do or say? How can I keep everyone happy? 

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1 hour ago, JohnConnor2050 said:

"For the past year, every time an event comes up, you've been putting me in a really awkward position where I will always end up disappointing/angering someone and I can't put up with the stress of it anymore" and then putting my phone on silent for 24 hours. I obviously won't do this but it's not a good sign for my mental health that I'm having escape fantasies. 

Tell your girlfriend and family exactly THIS. 
You can’t make everyone happy and you shouldn’t try to . You will make yourself insane. 

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How long have you two been dating?

Last year, we'd have occasional outdoor gatherings for these events - 

Social distancing is the norm and all was okay.

Through the winter, (recently) was all facetime 'meet', but I'm sure, as many are getting their shots in the family, we will again proceed w/ our 'outdoor' gatherings again, as nice weather's arrived again.

Even if you do it occasionally, you are not all hanging out inside, but outside in the fresh air.

I don't see much an issue if you manage protocol to go see your nephew for a cpl hours. - so, you don't go stir crazy 😉 

Remind her how often we see people standing at respectful distances all the time outside stores.

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Are you vaccinated?  That's the big question for me.  If you are then you have some degree of protection from covid as do your family.

I think you should go to your nephew's party, and wear a mask!  Wash hands, and keep 6 feet apart as best you can.  Stay for an hour or two.

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, JohnConnor2050 said:

"For the past year, every time an event comes up, you've been putting me in a really awkward position where I will always end up disappointing/angering someone and I can't put up with the stress of it anymore" and then putting my phone on silent for 24 hours. I obviously won't do this but it's not a good sign for my mental health that I'm having escape fantasies. 

I would:
1. totally tell them all this.

2. Decide for YOURSELF what YOU are comfortable with in terms of social distance, gatherings, vaccines etc.  And DO THAT.  

Let them live with it.

Over the past year, we have learned how differently each person handles these things.  Whether they take it super serious and all the precautions or they don't to varying degrees.

I have taken the stance that I do what is best for me.  You do what is best for you.  If what is best for you, is not best for me, then I'm not going to be around and it's up to them to deal with that.  Too bad, so sad.  

Always protect your own health-- physically, mentally, emotionally.  Make it known and make no apologies for it.  

Shame on your family and your girlfriend.... None of them seem to care what's best for you.  So you need to remind them.  And maybe dump the girl... Being angry at you for your choices is not cool.  You need a partner in life that supports you and your choices.  Family is a little different... Your partner is the one that helps you cope with your family.  haha.  

 

Edited by Lambert
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You stick to your guns and tell them no. I don't listen to anyone that says it's ok to go to a family event. That right there is the reason my region is rampant with Covid. South Asians are still having family parties, and have multi member households.

I'm one of those people that has stays home, don't let anyone in my house, etc. Why take the risk? 2 people in my life have died from Covid. One of them was only in his mid 30's...it's devastating. It only seems when death has been close that it hits home how dangerous it can be to go visit people.

If you need to go, you can stand out in the driveway, talk to everyone there, don't eat or drink, just talk, give the gift. People don't understand that as soon as you touch surfaces, and then touch your mask to adjust or pull down to eat or drink, you are taking a risk. Obviously there is no real protection to you unless everyone is wearing a mask and following the rules.

*Just because it's family doesn't mean that the virus won't spread. I suspect your family won't be wearing masks, so tbh you shouldn't go.

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12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

2 people in my life have died from Covid. One of them was only in his mid 30's...it's devastating. It only seems when death has been close that it hits home how dangerous it can be to go visit people.

 

Smackie, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  

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Are you and GF vaccinated?

If not, that's the main issue I'd address, because once I was vaccinated I've felt liberated and free to avoid taking advice from anyone who won't take the shot.

If GF refuses, then that's on her, but that's exactly what I'd tell her if she tried to use Covid as an excuse to come between me and my family, who are also vaccinated.

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Unfortunately it's not just you that's affected by your "choice" but everyone you come into contact with.

I got Covid from a family member.  He didn't mean to give it to me but he didn't know he had it and I was unwittingly exposed.  And I wasn't parading around mask-less or going to any gatherings.  I was sitting at home minding my own business.

I echo what the others have asked; are you vaccinated?  Is your girlfriend?  Are your family members?

If you are vaccinated and your family members are not, it should be fine to attend as long as you stay outdoors and don't hug them or use communal utensils to serve food (use your own personal utensils).

And I get why your girlfriend is concerned; lack of concern is why this damn virus won't go away.  And people shouting about it being a personal choice are not taking others into consideration.  But that doesn't mean you can't still be reasonably safe while not completely shutting yourself inside your home.

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This is YOUR decision.  If you want to go, then go and take the precautions you feel are appropriate.  If you don't want to go, then don't.

The girlfriend does sound bossy though. 😞

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My friend's friend, fully vaccinated, got covid from staying with and visiting her unvaccinated son in a southern state.  I'm extremely fortunate that my husband and I have been on basically the same wavelength about safety and precautions during this pandemic.  I know what I would have done in your girlfriend's shoes. 

I would have told you to do what you thought was best and I would too.  Which would mean -pre-vaccinations I wouldn't have seen you until you'd been quarantined after hanging with your family but without pestering you about it -I'd simply have acted consistently with my own comfort level.  I had a friend who wanted to meet for a walk in the park with her dog.  Months ago, pre-vaccine.  Then her son got covid and she told me she'd had no contact with him (they'd dropped off food at his house, outside). 

But.  This meant I had to trust that she hadn't, had to trust that her husband hadn't, and with her bringing her dog I'd have to also be aware of the dog -meaning if the dog got close to me and I had to move away and perhaps closer to her as a result, etc (it would have been our first time meeting in person so this felt awkward).  I'd have told her my comfort zone had she not ended up cancelling. Obviously she's not my partner but the same holds true. It's harder with a partner but it's essential because what you do affects her risks.  

When my husband went out of town on business during the H1N1 epidemic and our son was an infant I had him stay at his parents for the required "quarantine" after he returned.  He chose to go despite the risk and he didn't entirely agree with my precautions but I wasn't taking chances with a three month old unvaccinated infant.  

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Well this is just my opinion but I think do as you like as long as you are following government COVID rules/laws. I've basically always followed them precisely as they were. E.g. At the moment I'm actually in a complete 7 day lockdown where you can only leave the house to go for a walk, supermarket, medical reasons or because you're an essential worker. You can't have any people over unless it's your partner. So obviously I'm following all that. Prior to this we actually had no COVID in my state and there were no restrictions except you had to wear a mask in public transport, at the doctor's and in rideshare like taxi and Uber. At times we also had restrictions where you could have only five people come over to your house. Or only 20 people in a venue, with masks on. So my friends and I would go to a cage let's say and wear a mask unless we were eating. I think as long as you're following government regulations you should be allowed to see your family. Are you following the rules?

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I don't think the OP wanted advice on whether or not he should be following the rules the government made up, he wants to know how to make everyone happy.  Answer is: he can't.  Period.  His life, his decisions.  He needs to do what HE feels is appropriate and do what makes HIM happy.  If others (including the bossy girlfriend) don't like it they can bounce.

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1 minute ago, waffle said:

I don't think the OP wanted advice on whether or not he should be following the rules the government made up, he wants to know how to make everyone happy.  Answer is: he can't.  Period.  His life, his decisions.  He needs to do what HE feels is appropriate and do what makes HIM happy.  If others (including the bossy girlfriend) don't like it they can bounce.

I did give advice. My advice was basically as long as you're following the legal government rules regarding COVID, do what you want. That was my point.

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2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I did give advice. My advice was basically as long as you're following the legal government rules regarding COVID, do what you want. That was my point.

I guess that makes sense because as we all know, none of this B S is or has been about a virus.  This is about conforming and following the "rules."

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