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How to express that my feelings are hurt


Kibo
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Ok, this topic might be a bit weird and I find it hard to find words to describe my feelings:

I have been dating a lot and been with quite a few women. Currently I am not really looking for a relationship, but if I met "the one", I would not say "no".

I am satisfied with my "success" with women so far, but I must say I often feel like I let them "mistreat" me in terms of politeness. I am a very easy going person (I would say) and I tolerate a lot of things. I think it is important to have a positive attitude and to see the world as a beautiful place. But I find it really difficult to be "upset" about something and tell it to the person. I never know if my feelings are "justified" or if I am overreacting and being a negative person (what I do not want to be). Here´s an example. It is really a minor thing but these things really keep me thinking:

I met a woman online and we had been chatting / calling a bit. (Two phonecalls á 1 hour and a few text messages, quite oldschool as she does not have WhatsApp or something). She currently lives in two towns and would come here again on thursday. We agreed that we should meet and go for a walk. She told me to text her on thursday again just to be sure.

Here´s the exact conversation. Starting on Thursday 10:00

Me: Hey, so would you like to meet today at 19:00 in ...?
She: Hey, would you be angry if we rescheduled our meeting today? The weatherforecast is not good and I do not want to walk in the rain.

Now here are two things that annoy me: 1. She did not text me by herself. If she knew she did not want to meet due to the weather, why did she not text me as soon as she made the decision? I find this sooo rude. 2. She asks to "reschedule", which, in my opinion, means, that she wants to meet another time, but she did not suggest another time. So I would rate this as an excuse and she actually does not want to meet at all.

Usually I would just say "ah ok, then see you next time, call me when you have time", but tbh I feel a bit mistreated. Does anyone else find her behaviour so rude? Maybe something triggers me here. Anyway, I decided to tell her that I feel offended (I am not very good at this and in these situations I just don´t know how to express my feelings without starting an argument)

Me: Do you find it impolite, when someone cancels plans only when they are asked and not in advance?
She: Because I wanted to check the weatherforecast first?
Me: So do you want to reschedule the meeting or wait and see how the weather develops and we decide on a short notice?
She: I think we have a misunderstanding: I do not consider it to be impolite, if I say that I do not want to meet because of the weather.
Me: Ok and to answer your question: No, I would not be angry if we rescheduled the meeting. Would you suggest an alternative date?
She: Yeah, I have to move back to my other home and it may take a while...

So anyway, I guess she is not really interested in the first place. But what bothers me: My expression of my own feelings feels quite "childish" to me. Can anyone help me to find a better phrasing for the things I wanted to say? Does anyone think I am overreacting? Are my feelings justified?

 

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You do come off as a little bit nitpicky. This is somebody that you've never met and hardly know. It's ok to have standards, but it doesn't make sense to impose expectations on total strangers. You set yourself up for disappointment that way. 

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I dunno, I have a same problem myself when I like somebody. For example I would always wonder if you would got that date if you just asked when to reshedule or played it cool and just told her to call you when she has time. Like this I understand you were dissapointed but came off kinda rude because you basically called her impolite. For asking to reschedule. Yes she could have told you first and offer alternative date right away. But those were your expectations. Hers could been just to reschedule because of weather. I mean sure, maybe she just didnt want it, I dont think you will get that date now based on her last message. But you need to understand that is OK. And that you dont need to act on your emotions over stuff like that. For big stuff sure, for this, just play it cool and dont expect anything and if it happens it will happen. Also dont want to play Devils Advocate but

1 hour ago, Kibo said:

She told me to text her on thursday again just to be sure.

deal was for you to text. Dont get me wrong, I dont defend her, for all i know maybe she just didnt want it, but you kinda overblew situation out while you should have just played it cool.

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2 hours ago, Kibo said:

Me: Do you find it impolite, when someone cancels plans only when they are asked and not in advance?
She: Because I wanted to check the weatherforecast first?

If you find someone rude even before meeting, you should simply not meet and move on.

You're going to burn out if you're having confrontations with women you never met.

Check your baggage at the door. 

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Dating requires resilience. If you want to seek injury in every delay or disappointment, you can certainly do that--it's not against the law. It's just going to make your road a lot harder than it needs to be.

Don't personalize responses from strangers. This isn't someone who knows your soul and has rejected you, so why talk yourself into viewing it as such?

If I have doubts about meeting up with someone due to weather or my own circumstances, I don't necessarily jump straight on the phone to say so. This has worked out well for me, because often times it's another who cancels, and then I'm off the hook.

So your date may have hoped that you'd view the weather as a detriment and instead of confirming, YOU would offer a reschedule. When that didn't happen, she fessed up.

Does any of this really make anyone a villain?

Use your positivity in your own favor, and cut people a break. From there you'll find it easier to cut your SELF a break whenever you want, and this makes for an easier 'flow' when dating.

Head high.

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Posted (edited)

Egad, you come off as abrupt and a bit judgemental in your tone regardless of how you perceive yourself. relax. If someone wants to get out of meeting you, let them have it and move on.....let it roll off your back. It's going to happen. just because you feel duped/played or otherwise, don't get hasty over it. you say "let's keep positive" well practice what you preach. let it go....it's ok, don't worry be happy. people are people..flaky, etc.

Edited by smackie9
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19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, I have a same problem myself when I like somebody. For example I would always wonder if you would got that date if you just asked when to reshedule or played it cool and just told her to call you when she has time.

Right? I usually always stay calm and in like 50 % of those cases I get a next date. However, such behaviour shows that she is not too interested me so in those 50 % cases it never came to a third date.

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21 hours ago, Kibo said:

Me: Do you find it impolite, when someone cancels plans only when they are asked and not in advance?

This comes across as quite passive-aggressive. 

That's not to say you shouldn't express yourself but that tone would have put me right off, if I were her - especially coming from a guy I had never met in person. You jumped to conclusions and assigned a specific meaning without considering the alternative - I would try to relax more and not assume the worst right away. 

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Kibo said:

Thank you guys, I guess you are right. Staying calm, not caring too much and not taking it too seriously  usually worked out best for me.

What I do with flaky types/unreliable types (not dating -this happens with making new friends/established friends too) is I cut slack one time for non-emergencies (real emergencies are always ok) - after that I show with my actions that it's not ok because if someone is like that my lecturing or over-explaining aint gonna change things.  So if the person asks to get together again I state my boundaries like this "I'd love to make a plan.  I can do [dates/times] for now.  I do need to know by ___ if you don't think you can make it."  That's the one more chance.  If there's another flaky reaction/cancellation I simply decline future plans without explaining why.  "Oh thanks I'd love to but things are just too busy now".  

Another example - a friend who over the years complains about being lonely.  A few years ago I told her when  I could meet and where -she claimed to be desperate for girl time.  Once I told her (it would be about a 20 minute-30 minute drive for her to my city which has awesome places to meet and she could park in our garage) - all of a sudden she said no she wasn't willing to drive to me.  Fine.  That tells me she wasn't that motivated.  Then she wrote to me recently -lonely/wants to meet.  I'm home now with our son and we're teleworking (pandemic) -I can be away for a few hours -like 2 -but not more because of my husband and son's schedules. I told her this.  I said I could meet in my neighborhood for coffee or a quick lunch.

She responded that she understood about having young children as she had years ago.  I told her that wasn't it.  It's because of the pandemic otherwise I'd have longer blocks of time if my child was out of the house.  No response to my offer.  But am I going to tell her what I think of her woe is me/I'll do anything for friend time?"  No.  I simply show her what my boundaries are and she's an adult who gets to choose if that works for her.  I think -judgey - she's the girl who cried wolf and she is lonely because she's not willing to put herself out of her comfort zone (yes I'd reciprocate when I'm able).

That's how I would go about being assertive and not outwardly judgmental.

 

Edited by Batya33
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On 5/29/2021 at 5:31 AM, Kibo said:

She: Yeah, I have to move back to my other home and it may take a while..

All of this, so close and yet so far, screams of a catfish. Beware of people on dating sites who say they don't live at your town at the moment, but are due to move there for a job. Or that they have friends or relatives in your town and often visit. Her case seems strange too. Why does she live in 2 towns? Why would she choose to date someone in your town if she'll be then in another town for a while--and no idea of a time when she'll be back in your town?

You have to think about how you would operate in the dating world to recognize BS when another person's dating style is strange.

I did a lot of OLD years ago. A stranger owes you nothing. So if you don't like their behavior, you simply decide they are not worth any more of your time and move on. Or, if you want to give them a chance, you accept the delay and give yourself a deadline of how long you will wait to see if they come through. The only time I spoke up is if we chatted more than two weeks and I suggested meeting. If they weren't ready, I explained I was on the dating site to date, not be a pen pal, so we would no longer be communicating. And it wasn't in anger. I was just sticking to my standards.

If you can't get past the anger before even meeting, why bother? Anyway, she smells like a catfish to me. Even if she's not, why bother if she is unavailable while in her other town?

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