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What should I do now?


Vinie
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Hi, I would like some advice on what to do next.

So I've been seeing this guy for 2 months now. Things been going great, we went on a few dates and been texting everyday and video call at night sometimes. We're both busy with work, uni and other commitments but always try and find time to go on a date when we can, but at the moment its only every 2 weeks that we meet up.  

Last Thursday we got into a small fight cause he wanted to cancelled our date because he wanted to work on his assignment, I understand that uni is important but it still made me quite upset since we already hardly see each other in person. He also got upset that I wasn't being understanding so we stop talking for 3 days (yes we''re both stubborn). I decided to msg him on Monday and he ignored me till Tuesday morning. He said that he is still upset and that he need time to cool off and think. I reply back that I understand he need space and hope we can sort it out once his ready. Then the conversation continue and eventually he said that he don't even know why we still talking about this since it was such a small fight, I agree and said we should just forget about it. Then he start talking to me about his puppy and we started talking like normal. He didn't msg me on Wednesday so that night I send him a test to ask hows his night been and if he saw the cool red moon. He reply saying he been trying to do his assignment which is due this coming Sunday and haven't been able to go out to look at the moon. I reply and ask if there much to do, and send him a picture of the moon saying this is what it kinda look like. He didn't reply back till Thursday morning, he said oh that really cool wish he was able to see it, and that he still have a lot left to do on his assignment. I then reply and said at least you still have a bit of time before the due date, do your best!

So Thursday morning was the last time we talked. Its Saturday now and he hasn't once message me. I don't know whether since the fight last week his no longer interested in talking to me or it is because of how stressful his assignment is that he don't want to get distracted by talking to me. i'm feeling really anxious not knowing what the reason behind him not messaging me or even to reply back to my last text. Should I just leave him be or should I send him another message and ask how his assignment going. 

     

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No, I suggest you stop being the only one to reach out.  Let him do it first this time.

IF he is truly into you, he should also be working with you in this.  Is never a good thing for a relationship to be one sided 😕 .

As it is understandable his demands are great at this time, only takes a few min's to reach out to someone and have at least a small chat each day - we all know everyone has that much time.

So, back off & leave it be for a bit.  If he doesn't 'try', then leave him be.

You deserve someone who does appreciate you .. and shows you properly!

 

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3 hours ago, Vinie said:

Should I just leave him be or should I send him another message and ask how his assignment going. 

Nope. 

You have reached out a few times. You need to let him come to you now, or you'll never know if he's communicating of his volition or only because you're nudging him into it. And yes, you might feel very anxious doing so - but sending him more texts when he's clearly busy with school is not going to soothe your anxiety. 

You say you hardly see each other, so I would take this time to reflect on whether or not this is really working for you. It is evident that you would like more than he appears willing to give. 

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Thanks for all your comments. 
It did crossed my mind that if he was really interested in me like he said he is, then he could just send a quick msg to say hi. I believe no matter how busy you are, you still need to take a break at some point throughout the day. It show he is active on Facebook all day, but that could be him being on the computer and left it on, i don't know for sure. 
I feel like I'm trying to make excuses for him, like maybe his the type that can't multitask or the workload is just too overwhelmed that he can't get distracted. I do want to see him more and he did say that when he finish off uni this month he will have more time for us. But I think I did enough so I won't send him another message until he contact me.

But just don't know what I should do if he didn't end up msging me after he finish. Should I take it as his no longer want to talk to me or should I send him a msg on Monday and ask if he mange to submit his assignment and then ask him where we stand just so I get a clear answer.    

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3 hours ago, Vinie said:

should I send him a msg on Monday and ask if he mange to submit his assignment and then ask him where we stand just so I get a clear answer.    

STOP. NO. 

You need to read between the lines if someone isn't reaching out to you. If you hear nothing after he finishes this assignment, then you can assume he's just not interested the way you are anymore. 

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10 hours ago, Vinie said:

we got into a small fight cause he wanted to cancelled our date because he wanted to work on his assignment

Sorry to hear that. 

You need to keep busy with your own life, friends, family, work, school, interests, hobbies, etc.

Dating is not babysitting and chewing someone out who needs to study is a good reason for them to step away.

Are you both talking to and meeting others or were you exclusive.

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I don't think there was a high level of interest in dating to begin with - 4 dates in two months is very little.  I think he enjoyed the online interactions because they are effortless, at his convenience and no planning needed.  When I was in grad school -very intense, intense deadlines - I did my best not to cancel plans but I also would make tentative plans "If I'm able to get __ done then let's get together."  After only 3 or 4 dates I think you needed to be more flexible about his work.

I get that you already felt frustrated about not getting together enough in person but that's separate from the specific situation. I think deep down you know that you wanted to see him more often than he wanted to see you and this insecurity triggered an over reaction to him cancelling one date.  

To get to know someone I think you should see each other in person more like once a week at first (or twice) and limit the video calls/texting -get to know each other in person.  I'm sorry he seems to have moved on - if after only 4 dates you are doing this silent treatment game that doesn't bode well for the relationship.  

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Posted (edited)

You keep pushing and pushing, when it seems to go right over your head he needed his space to work on his assignment. You got selfish, kept texting him wanting attention. It doesn't surprise me he's done because he doesn't want a needy GF.

Next time, when they want time to themselves, let them have it, accept it graciously. Let them reach out to you when they are freed up.

Edited by smackie9
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8 hours ago, Vinie said:

I believe no matter how busy you are, you still need to take a break at some point throughout the day.

Yes. taking a break is needed but it's super self-centered to think that a break means he is required to reach out to you.  You have been dating for 2 months.  you are being too clingy and needy.  

Not everyone handles things the way that you do or the way that you think they should.  

A break to him might mean taking a nap, doing some laundry, watching a sports event, talking to the more established people in his life-- friends & family.  

learn to be more independent and control yourself.  Go get busy with YOUR life.  When he is ready, he will reach out.  At that time, you can decide is that what you are looking for?  If it too much time has passed in your opinion, then dump him.

The point of dating is to find someone that is looking for the same things as you in life and in a relationship.  It's not to change another person into a person that is looking for the same.  

I know when I am super busy (for whatever reason) I hate it when people act like I owe them something that I don't.  It pushes me away. because frankly, life is challenging enough.  I don't need more responsibilities.  I need people that understand me and don't make everything about them. 

 

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12 hours ago, Vinie said:

t did crossed my mind that if he was really interested in me like he said he is, then he could just send a quick msg to say hi. I believe no matter how busy you are, you still need to take a break at some point throughout the day.

Yes and no. Once I feel pressured by someone, I'm not so quick to reply to their messages, and I'll only reach out once my other pressures are low.

I can like a person but feel overwhelmed by their assumptions or demands, and that likely happened here. I'd back WAY off. He doesn't need an audience as he navigates this particularly difficult time with his assignments, and your expectations may be the thing that has squelched his willingness to just reach out for a quick hello.

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I did leave him alone, he finally msged after 2 days and told me that he needed time to think and he realised he is not ready to be in a relationship. He said the fight made him think that things might get worse in the near future. He said i'm a great girl but he just not ready and doesn't want to hold me back from potential relationship. 

I don't know whether to accept that he really is not ready for a relationship or is it because I scared him off with that fight and his no longer interested in me. If his no longer interested in me, I wish he could just tell me so I won't have to keep wondering. Now I can't stop blaming myself for chasing him away.

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36 minutes ago, Vinie said:

 told me that he needed time to think and he realised he is not ready to be in a relationship. He said the fight made him think that things might get worse in the near future.  he just not ready and doesn't want to hold me back from potential relationship. 

I don't know whether to accept that he really is not ready for a relationship or is it because I scared him off with that fight and his no longer interested in me. If his no longer interested in me, I wish he could just tell me so I won't have to keep wondering. Now I can't stop blaming myself for chasing him away.

I think he has been more than fair and upfront with you.  He had time to think and came to the conclusion that now is not the right time for him to be in a relationship.  You need to accept this and leave him be.  He has made up his mind and you need to move on. He needs to focus on his studies now (rightly so).

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2 hours ago, Vinie said:

 He said i'm a great girl but he just not ready and doesn't want to hold me back from potential relationship. 

Ok. After 8 weeks dating, people observe if they get along or not.

In this case he's using a variation of "it's me, not you", as the exit.

It's fine because even though this situation did not work out, you have insight into what works better in the future.

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4 hours ago, Vinie said:

I did leave him alone, he finally msged after 2 days and told me that he needed time to think and he realised he is not ready to be in a relationship. He said the fight made him think that things might get worse in the near future. He said i'm a great girl but he just not ready and doesn't want to hold me back from potential relationship. 

I don't know whether to accept that he really is not ready for a relationship or is it because I scared him off with that fight and his no longer interested in me. If his no longer interested in me, I wish he could just tell me so I won't have to keep wondering. Now I can't stop blaming myself for chasing him away.

You didn't chase him away. Don't keep blaming yourself. And what for? If this continued for months or years wouldn't you be more upset and annoyed with the situation? 

You were hedging your bets that things would improve and he'd be better with his communication but it didn't get that far. Your present happiness is based on future action. Never a good idea. See things for what they are and whether you're compatible then and there. If you are not, it's not the right time or the right person.

 

 

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5 hours ago, Vinie said:

I don't know whether to accept that he really is not ready for a relationship or is it because I scared him off with that fight and his no longer interested in me.

In the end, the reason doesn't change the result: he's decided to end this. 

I don't think you pushed him away. I think he wasn't as into this to begin with and wasn't really intending to get serious with you. But when he realized you wanted more, he knew he needed to let you go so as not to string you along. 

 

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5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

In the end, the reason doesn't change the result: he's decided to end this. 

I don't think you pushed him away. I think he wasn't as into this to begin with and wasn't really intending to get serious with you. But when he realized you wanted more, he knew he needed to let you go so as not to string you along. 

 

The reason is simply a matter of ego.  Assume he wasn't that into you and was trying to let you down easy.  Because then if you hear that he's in a relationship it won't sting as much when you realize he was actually ready for the right relationship.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  

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It sounds like you are being really caring and attentive and he continues to blow you off saying that he is busy with school work. For me, if I really like someone, I will make time to talk to them every day. Or, if I'm too busy, I will send them a quick text saying that I am really busy that day but I am still thinking about them. I think that it's possible that he might not be that into you and he is trying to let the relationship die out by texting you less. But he really could just be really stressed about school and could be a bad communicator. I think that you should stop texting him and wait for him to reach out to you first. If he doesn't reach out in 3 days, then you have your answer and you should move on.

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