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How do I move on from this girl that I really like?


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32 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

OP. That's just one man. Your uncle, who may have had health problems leading to those conditions. 

As for balding, well some men bald very early (I know a few in their 20s) and some don't. Anyhow what's the big deal? Bald heads are all the rage (on screen and off screen). 

Your uncle is Not representative of the entire 30 year old male population. 

Again, why this lack of self-confidence (see my post above). I am trying to get a handle on your background, but so far I have only heard of the other three musketeers. L. 

Do they also have these thinking patterns? These odd entrenched notions?

I honestly don't have one major event that ruined me. It was mostly just small instances of typical school yard bullying, but nothing out of the ordinary for kids in middle school.

And my friends all have differing mindsets on this whole thing. One of them is the most confident of the four of us, another is just sitting around on Twitch and hoping to find a gamer girl, and another is honestly on the verge of just giving up and staying single.

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31 minutes ago, That36guy said:

One of them is the most confident of the four of us, another is just sitting around on Twitch and hoping to find a gamer girl, and another is honestly on the verge of just giving up and staying single.

I don't think you're trolling, but you are going on and on about incels 3 pals who game all day and do nothing else then wonder why you aren't getting laid.

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45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I don't think you're trolling, but you are going on and on about incels 3 pals who game all day and do nothing else then wonder why you aren't getting laid.

At least we're actually trying. Do you really think that me going on this site and seeking input is "doing nothing else"?

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OP you’re entitled to vent and complain but please don’t pretend you actually are thoughtfully considering any of the input given whether by me or anyone else.  I’m not the right person to respond to a pity party largely of your own making so I’ll bow out - I’ve said and offered all I’ve got. I know a number of 20 somethings - personally - related and friend’s kids - and they’re all doing a variety of things both challenging and positive.  One is pregnant with her third boy (she’s 25 and married ), one is 23 and about to go back to living on her own now that covid is subsiding - she’s pretty and single and working full time and part time grad school.  One is almost 30 and divorced and working and doing a grad program.

When I was 25 I started grad school (on my 25th bday), lived with my parents and had a serious and very hot boyfriend.  Very Hot Boyfriend proposed to me a few years later.  I declined feeling something wasn’t right.  15 years later we each got married - to men we were very much in love with.  
My son is 12 and thinks I am stunning and dazzling- his words - and I am neither on the outside. Thank goodness I’m able to be positive enough for him to see my spark at a difficult time for all of us. 
 We all have our own adventures and struggles and challenges - I took the long way around to my bliss.  It’s bliss because I worked my behind off for it and pity party would have meant me waiting even longer.  And maybe never reaching my goals

. How about having a five minute pity party - all at once - every day and restrain yourself the rest of the day and live your life.  Pity how unfair Society is and how you’re so tired of doing All The Work and how all you’re asking for is for a pretty girl to ask you out and lead you by the hand to a bed so you can get laid.  If she gets pregnant she’ll know what to do because heaven forbid you’re the victim of an accidental pregnancy.  

Just think about how wasteful it is to go on and on with the negativity.  If you do the five minute pity party that’s only a couple of wasted hours a month.  Isn’t that more than enough?  That’s all I’ve got. .  

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48 minutes ago, That36guy said:

Do you really think that me going on this site and seeking input is "doing nothing else"?

No. But you are all too often not thrilled about the advice and support given on here!

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

another is just sitting around on Twitch and hoping to find a gamer girl, and another is honestly on the verge of just giving up and staying single.

You do realise how pathetic that sounds. Four young men of 25 and not a date between them.!  Something is dreadfully wrong with that picture. 

That aside, we can only do so much. Have you sought support there in real life to try to overcome your rejection phobia?

 

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17 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

No. But you are all too often not thrilled about the advice and support given on here!

 

You do realise how pathetic that sounds. Four young men of 25 and not a date between them.!  Something is dreadfully wrong with that picture. 

That aside, we can only do so much. Have you sought support there in real life to try to overcome your rejection phobia?

 

I'm not seeing a shrink if that's what you're suggesting.

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Posted (edited)

As I said we can only provide so much advice and suggestions on here. We can take the horse to water but we sure cannot make him drink! 

You came on here for advice and suggestions, but all too often you do not like what you are told.

Perhaps you could discuss with someone there in real life why you feel so terrified of rejection, and by someone I do NOT mean the other three.

So, a small suggestion. it might be no bad idea not to see your three friends for say a month.  Go it alone or with a more upbeat type of acquaintance or pal for company.  You will probably discount this suggestion the same as you do with all others. But, I am trying.  

Oh yes, I asked earlier how you get along with women in general (like, not love or attraction). How about your female relatives, mother, aunts, sisters, female cousins. 

Edited by LaHermes
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2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

As I said we can only provide so much advice and suggestions on here. We can take the horse to water but we sure cannot make him drink! 

You came on here for advice and suggestions, but all too often you do not like what you are told.

Perhaps you could discuss with someone there in real life why you feel so terrified of rejection, and by someone I do NOT mean the other three.

So, a small suggestion. it might be no bad idea not to see your three friends for say a month.  Go it alone or with a more upbeat type of acquaintance or pal for company.  You will probably discount this suggestion the same as you do with all others. But, I am trying.  

Oh yes, I asked earlier how you get along with women in general (like, not love or attraction). How about your female relatives, mother, aunts, sisters, female cousins. 

We get along as well as any other guy and their female relatives. We're just your average middle class family in the U.S. and it's a pretty typical dynamic overall.

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1 minute ago, That36guy said:

We get along as well as any other guy and their female relatives. We're just your average middle class family in the U.S. and it's a pretty typical dynamic overall.

Ok. What's wrong with broadening your horizons? get a side job. Do you live with parents? If so, stop that. Look for a house share. Mix things up. 

Take classes at a college (on line or on campus) Join some sports. Join some clubs and groups. Learn a language. Volunteer in an animal shelter or hospital.  Start talking to women. (not just this weirdo girl at work)

You can still keep your 3 pals, but spread your wings. Don't be a 13 y/o trapped in a man's body living with mom and dad..

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. What's wrong with broadening your horizons? get a side job. Do you live with parents? If so, stop that. Look for a house share. Mix things up. 

Take classes at a college (on line or on campus) Join some sports. Join some clubs and groups. Learn a language. Volunteer in an animal shelter or hospital.  Start talking to women. (not just this weirdo girl at work)

You can still keep your 3 pals, but spread your wings. Don't be a 13 y/o trapped in a man's body living with mom and dad..

Ok, I do still live with my parents, but one of my three friends and I have been discussing renting an apartment together.

And I just finished my first ever semester at college, but it was all online due to Covid and the opportunities for getting to know girls in my classes weren't exactly ripe. I at least have hopes that the Fall semester (it's officially been confirmed to being back to on campus classes) will provide more chances at meeting other women.

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20 minutes ago, That36guy said:

 one of my three friends and I have been discussing renting an apartment together.

I at least have hopes that the Fall semester (it's officially been confirmed to being back to on campus classes) will provide more chances at meeting other women.

Super. Get the apt and start looking for campus and extracurricular social activities and clubs, groups, sports,  etc. you could join.

Forget girls who hang out in malls. They have bad hair and talk too much.

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Unless you’re still in school getting your own place will do a lot for your confidence IMO.  Also I’ll repeat that a great way to meet good women and people in general is by volunteering front or backstage at a community theater. 

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College is absolutely full of young people. I have very fond memories of my college years.  I lived on campus for two years and met so many people!  It was pretty awesome.  I met my husband there, we lived in the same dorm.

What a great opportunity for you!  But please, talk to some girls!  You have an automatic topic, whatever class it is you are in, the coursework, the professor...when you see an interesting, cute girl in your class ask if you two can study together over coffee.  

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17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

College is absolutely full of young people. I have very fond memories of my college years.  I lived on campus for two years and met so many people!  It was pretty awesome.  I met my husband there, we lived in the same dorm.

What a great opportunity for you!  But please, talk to some girls!  You have an automatic topic, whatever class it is you are in, the coursework, the professor...when you see an interesting, cute girl in your class ask if you two can study together over coffee.  

That’s certainly the plan. I think I’m just going to spend the Summer trying to work out my confidence issues and then by the time September rolls around, I’ll be ready and willing to make a move on a potential girl.

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Well, I think bottom line is if you want to lose your virginity and have a girlfriend, you are simply going to have to make A LOT more effort. As I mentioned in my previous comment, we live in a world very largely run by social media and everything being online. From that perspective you can't really say "Oh I don't meet any girls". You can do online dating, I'm sure there are hundreds, if not thousands of girls online.

If you're shy and inexperienced then your first step needs to be just chatting to girls and building your confidence. Don't put girls on a pedestal, they aren't some foreign species lol They're just normal people just like you and your male friends. Just talk to them on online dating and if the girl lives close enough, invite her for a coffee. Don't worry if she's not interested after meeting because most likely it's not anything bad about you. Not everyone is into everyone. Dating is unfortunately a long process.

I think you are using a lot of excuses. It's OK to express you're upset but I think you should actually listen to some advice and actually start DOING things. Even if you were talking to a therapist, yes, they listen but they would also come up with strategies on what you can actually do. Hardly any therapist just sits there and nods and say literally nothing. For example, my therapist gives me homework to do at home. Then she asks how I want with doing the homework. You have to actually put effort in. The guys that got girls didn't just sit there and do nothing. It's true, girls can ask guys out too buy They're not going to ask out a guy who doesn't even speak to them.

Also even being in COVID lockdown is not an excuse. I still did online dating and did video call dates with people. If it went past the first video call date then we did things like watch a movie together virtually and discuss it. I also did Zoom Meetup groups or Zoom speed dating. Even in quarantine there are still options. 

You also sound very negative, no offence. Saying at 30 you'll be old, bad back, hair will fall out. I know when I was a teenager, I thought 30 was old. But I don't really understand why at 25 you seem to have this impression that 30 is old. People don't just stop dating when they're 30. Plenty of people 30+ years old are dating, are married, have a family. Life doesn't just suddenly end when you're 30.

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12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You also sound very negative, no offence. Saying at 30 you'll be old, bad back, hair will fall out. I know when I was a teenager, I thought 30 was old. But I don't really understand why at 25 you seem to have this impression that 30 is old. People don't just stop dating when they're 30. Plenty of people 30+ years old are dating, are married, have a family. Life doesn't just suddenly end when you're 30.

Agreed.  My husband and I dated in our late 20s-early 30s, broke up.  Got back together late 30s.  Married/became parents at 42.  Mid 50s now.  I just placed orders for swimsuits cause hopefully we're headed on road trips/beaches given vaccinations, etc. Where we'll be extremely active as will our 12 year old -swimming/hiking/my daily workouts, exploring on foot. 

Pre covid - like a few weeks before I took my son bowling and danced while waiting for the pins to reset because they were playing 80s and 90s pop and rock and rap and I showed my son how to dance to it.  My husband took him on a VR ride and swimming.  Does that sound like we're "old" or that our lives ended or waned 25 years ago?  When I was 41 and preggers we hiked in Colorado and Oregon.  When I was 52 I took my son all around Stockholm -we walked miles that day exploring same in Paris when I was 50. 

I've been working out at dawn every single morning outdoors (not indoors, cause of pandemic) since March 2020 and been working out 4-7 times a week since 1982 with a 8 month break from intense working out when I was pregnant.  In my 30s I regularly pulled near all nighters for work and traveled all over the country on a day's notice sometimes 

 So can you match that -you're 25 -even close?  Can you match that energy level -do you even attempt it? Do I have the energy of a 20 year old? Yes I think so particularly since I don't smoke, drink to excess, use any drugs and eat a reasonably healthy diet.  Do I look like I'm 20. Nope.  I have wrinkles, graying hair - which I choose not to change with plastic surgery/procedures.  I'm good with it.  But you're talking about somehow life being over at 30.  Huh?

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Posted (edited)

It's easy to look at someone in their 20s and scoff, but the reality is people are individuals and have all different experiences with aging so one person's experience will not be another's.  Some people don't even live to be 30 (i.e. my oldest daughter -- she was killed at age 25, less than 2 months from 26 😞 ).  Me, I'm not looking forward to 60 and it's 5 years away, yet I have friends who seem to be doing well in their early 60s and beyond.  No guarantee that will be my experience of course.

I understand OP's concerns somewhat but the reality is, going back to his first post on this thread, he is relying an awful lot on hearsay and others' opinions, which may or may not even be true.  He has no idea if this young lady was really waiting for him to make a move or not, or what her personality is or isn't, he is just listening to others rather than being pro-active.  OP, I do think you need to change your perspective.  Regarding your lack of confidence, if you are resistant to "seeing a shrink" maybe you'd consider self-help books?  One of my favorite books is "Why Men Love B!tc#es." 😉 

Edited by waffle
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I will admit I have not read this entire thread - maybe the first page or two so I apologize if my post is irrelevant at this point...OP, why not approach this woman (even with a boyfriend), let her know how you feel and then she will either dump her bf for you, or reject you.  That way you can plant a seed for later or move on for now.

 

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10 minutes ago, waffle said:

It's easy to look at someone in their 20s and scoff, but the reality is people are individuals and have all different experiences with aging so one person's experience will not be another's.  Some people don't even live to be 30 (i.e. my oldest daughter -- she was killed at age 25, less than 2 months from 26 😞 ).  Me, I'm not looking forward to 60 and it's 5 years away, yet I have friends who seem to be doing well in their early 60s and beyond.  No guarantee that will be my experience of course.

I understand OP's concerns somewhat but the reality is, going back to his first post on this thread, he is relying an awful lot on hearsay and others' opinions, which may or may not even be true.  He has no idea if this young lady was really waiting for him to make a move or not, or what her personality is or isn't, he is just listening to others rather than being pro-active.  OP, I do think you need to change your perspective.  Regarding your lack of confidence, if you are resistant to "seeing a shrink" maybe you'd consider self-help books?  One of my favorite books is "Why Men Love B!tc#es." 😉 

I haven’t brought this up yet, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to mention that this girl once invited me to a party.

 

Back on New Year’s Eve, she came into the store and invited me to join her at a New Year’s party, but I declined because I already made plans with my friends.

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51 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I haven’t brought this up yet, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to mention that this girl once invited me to a party.

 

Back on New Year’s Eve, she came into the store and invited me to join her at a New Year’s party, but I declined because I already made plans with my friends.

And did you offer to reschedule a plan to see her?

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1 hour ago, waffle said:

It's easy to look at someone in their 20s and scoff, but the reality is people are individuals and have all different experiences with aging so one person's experience will not be another's

No scoffing here.  Of course everyone has individual experiences.  My dear friend died at age 34.  My friend's husband died in his 30s in one of the WTC towers on 9/11.  That doesn't mean there isn't really valuable input to give to him.  Most of which he has ignored.

 

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Just now, That36guy said:

No...should I have?

Of course! If you're interested in spending time with someone but cannot on the day you're invited to you suggest an alternative - whether date or friend.  Otherwise it gives the impression you're not interested. Most people won't try again in that situation. 

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