At 34, I am finally facing up to my traumatic childhood and I am struggling with it/don't know what to do.

[sunstoppedshining]

- Sorry for the length, it is hard to cut this down 

I had a rough childhood. My dad was an alcoholic gambling addict with severe clinical depression, on 15-20 tablets a day to control his moods. He would spend all of our money on gambling each week and leave my mother and us with very little; she would work three jobs to get us by. They would fight, scream and shout their way into every evening. I remember crying a lot and the police coming as the neighbours would be concerned. They would take him away and he would be sectioned in hospital, I am not sure how many times this happened but I remember visiting him several times. My earliest memory was my mother asking me if I would mind him going in jail; I am not sure why, but I am fairly sure that she was plotting to get rid of him by accusing him of something he didn't do because she didn't know how else to get rid of him. I said I didn't want him going to jail, and he didn't. I'm not sure if she asked my two older siblings too.

When I was 9, they got divorced. mum then started living the life she never had, and went and moved in with several different men and left me (9) and my sister (15) alone. Mum was severely in debt so we had debt collectors come round most nights, we would have to pretend that we were not at home as we had no money. I don't remember a lot from 10-14 but I remember we moved house lots of times and I went to 10+ different schools, being bullied at every single one of them either for being fat or through having chronic headlice. I left school with no qualifications at 13, obese, which remained into adulthood (I was 320lbs at 23). Dad was in my life, through as poisonous and unsupportive as ever, still gambling, still relying on me and still not being any kind of father.

Fast forward to 23 and I had managed to have a couple of good jobs in retail and kids' camps. I had always had a passion for animals so went back to college full time for two years, in addition to studying maths at a night class and working full tine to get myself to one of the best universities in the country to study Zoology. I absolutely loved studying, I felt so proud every day. Mum died in the second year of my studies, which delayed them by a year as it did hit me. Despite having not seen her for years, her death created so many emotions and regrets. I tried to have a relationship with her in my late teens, but she was the same bad person, eventually secretly putting her bills and finances in my name which left me blacklisted. So when she died I lost my biological mother and no more, but it still hurt. I can't remember her voice anymore which makes me sad. I am 34 now and really wish I had a mother, and I don't think I have grieved her yet. I am not sure how or if I should. I did not go to her funeral and have never visited her grave.

To focus on the positives, since she died I have:

Graduated with my biology degree, received a full scholarship to complete an MSc in Scotland, secured a senior job in a prestigious company, saved every penny of the £30,000 house deposit I put down last year, lost 150lbs and kept it off, became a non-exec Director of a charity that I am passionate about. I have turned my life around from poverty to prospering, at least it seems so.

The issue now is that, although I remain ambitious and continue to strive in my career, I feel for the first time that I have time to reflect and thus face up to my past and I am hating it. I have been so preoccupied with studying, climbing the ladder, saving money that now I have time to think about everything and it has become very difficult. I struggle to concentrate on tasks, I feel very lonely without parents/any other family except my sister and nephew (I cut dad out 15 months ago when I realised he has only ever been bad for me), and I am struggling to maintain good friendships and to build trust with people. I feel like I often put on a mask to hide myself, and to be honest i am not really sure I know myself very well anymore. This is all very frustrating as at 34, I hoped I would be in a state of acceptance.

I have recently started therapy which has been quite good, but again it is stirring things up that I have neglected for years and it is causing me so much emotional pain. I can't speak to my managers as I would struggle to reach out, but work stress does not help either. I am partly SO proud of all I have achieved despite the odds, but I am also mortified at the trauma of my childhood and want it to go. I think i may have complex PTSD but that's a self-diagnosis.

I am not sure what I am looking for her. Validation that what I feel is fair? Advice? I feel some time-out would be good, but it's hard e.g. to go to a Dr. for mental health issues in the UK. Ultimately, I have bottled things up for too long and am now feeling the brunt of that.

 

[LaHermes]

2 minutes ago, sunstoppedshining said:

I have recently started therapy which has been quite good

 

2 minutes ago, sunstoppedshining said:

but it's hard e.g. to go to a Dr. for mental health issues in the UK.

Glad to see that you are getting therapy.  So I don't quite understand what you mean by the second remark.  There are many mental health resources in the U.K. and plenty of psychiatrists and psychologists and other mental health professionals. 

[sunstoppedshining]

3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

 

Glad to see that you are getting therapy.  So I don't quite understand what you mean by the second remark.  There are many mental health resources in the U.K. and plenty of psychiatrists and psychologists and other mental health professionals. 

Thank you 🙂

Private therapy was always a last resort for me. I've been to the Dr (NHS) three times to talk about my mental health but they have all literally told me there is not help for mental health unless you're suicidal. One put me on a waitlist of six months for an evaluation, the result of that was another six month waiting list for group counselling.

I think I mean that if I were to e.g. tell my work how much I am struggling, I'd probably need to say I have discussed/been getting help from my GP.

[Seraphim]

Ask your therapist if EMDR would be appropriate for you . It turned my life around. I suffered severe child abuse as well. 

[Wiseman2]

You've done well for yourself. Don't dwell on a past you didn't create, couldn't control and cant change. 

[LaHermes]

24 minutes ago, sunstoppedshining said:

I've been to the Dr (NHS) three times to talk about my mental health

You know full well that the NHS has long waiting lists for everything.  So forget that. 

Here you are:

Home | Mind, the mental health charity. Check it out. Any help is good help.

https://www.mind.org.uk

Could I mention that you might consider getting some kind of private health insurance. You are young, so the premiums would not be too onerous. (BUPA, AXA, etc.). hundred of thousands in the UK take private health insurance over and above the NHS.

 

[sunstoppedshining]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've done well for yourself. Don't dwell on a past you didn't create, couldn't control and cant change. 

Thank you. And I have tried that so many times! But it doesn't work, the rumination continues, and it feels beyond my control. But perhaps it isn't, that's a possibility 🙂

[DancingFool]

You are remarkably normal and also strong and intuitively emotionally healthy. This chapter you are going through now is 100% a normal part of healthy and necessary emotional processing. Is it easy? No. It's going to be a painful and winding journey, but such a necessary one, precisely so that you can let go of all those hurts and be free of the past for good.

As for seeking therapy - finding a good quality therapist who can help you in particular is hard everywhere. In part because some are good and some are incompetent. Then you have so many different approaches that may or may not work for you and even just personality clashes. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep at it and keep on looking.

In the meantime, there are self help books and support groups online or in person. You kind of have to find what works for you and helps you to release all that pent up pain and that's unique and individual to you. There is no right or wrong way, just what works for you. Basically, the same drive you put into your education and career you need to apply to this journey as well. You have it in you and you have good instincts even if right now, it all feels really uncomfortable. It's OK. It's normal. Healing from anything is never comfortable, but it does get better and better until you are healed.

[LaHermes]

40 minutes ago, sunstoppedshining said:

Graduated with my biology degree, received a full scholarship to complete an MSc in Scotland, secured a senior job in a prestigious company, saved every penny of the £30,000 house deposit I put down last year, lost 150lbs and kept it off, became a non-exec Director of a charity that I am passionate about. I have turned my life around from poverty to prospering, at least it seems so.

Good for you OP. Despite the dreadful upbringing and drawbacks you made it. Sadly the pain of such a toxic and dysfunctional childhood is there haunting you. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, sunstoppedshining said:

This is all very frustrating as at 34, I hoped I would be in a state of acceptance.

Is hard to do so, when you have never really 'faced it', until lately . 😕   

It is all resurfacing and you are working on it through therapy that is a good thing!

I was also abused, neglected etc - by my parents and foster's.. finally adopted by time I was almost 7... By time I hit my teens, I needed a lot of therapy.

I also had my mother (natural), go and put my name on her phone bill, fps .. and we weren't even in the same province!  So, of course, they contacted me at one point, so I had to inform them, it was her, not me 😕 .

But, in time, through ongoing therapy & meds ( anti depr's never worked for me, eventually I was on something for my anxiety, weaned off that and am now on a 'mood stablizer)... I do also deal with PTSD / anxiety...* anyways, I am progressing much better now, able to 'function' a little better.

As for you, I would suggest you speak to your doctor, explain everything that is going on and see if they'll at least help you out with something, re: med's... as you are already in therapy... IF you want to be properly dx, then as them to set you up with a psychiatrist. ( If you feel, at this time , because of everything 'Resurfacing', ask your doctor for some assistance- ask for a 'sick leave' as you are trying to process & work thru all of this)...

One day at a time.. you've come a good, long way.. Keep at it! 🙂 .. Self care is a must.  Journal also helps, get some air, stay active, get your rest..etc.

 

[shellyf62]

I understand what you are saying. My childhood was terrible too. Alcoholic father, arguments, no money, divorce, abusive step fathers, the list goes on.

I kept it all bottled up & just got on with life, but it all came bubbling up to the surface when I went through menopause. I ended up having councelling and that turned into actual trauma councellling.

It has helped a lot. I realised none of it was my fault, I was a child for goodness sake, even though my mother expected me to be the adult & do things that were far beyond my years. 

I still have the thoughts of not being good enough, not deserving of my good job & my good wage. I have stopped drinking and gambling that I was using to self medicate & am a lot happier for it. 

You probably need to have private therapy, and not be on huge waiting lists. You really need to tackle this now, and not wait til you are 55 like I did. You need to be happy & healthy in your skin, and enjoy your life.