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I pepper sprayed my boyfriend/childs father


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Dmrrr, I know somewhere inside of you, you already know the answers, even if they are hard to accept.

You and this man are toxic together and it's not working. You trigger one another and it's not only damaging to each other but it's damaging to your child.

You've been together for a while, so you have a lot of evidence on how you don't work well together.

I wouldn't necessarily say it's totally hopeless, but you would need a huge overhaul for it to become healthy.

Both you and he could need to commit to proper counselling one on one with your own counsellors, AND a marriage type counsellor as a couple.

You might even want to add in an addictions counsellor, because even though you've been clean for a long time, you can always use help and reminders to not slide back and to also understand what your triggers are, etc.

Support for one or all of your issues, is always a healthy choice, but one you and he both need to make.

Talking about it won't work, stopping fighting for a short while won't work, because you will eventually fall into the same cycle of toxicity.

You need outside help for this.

As for you feeling guilty, there was a level of aggressiveness there that you demonstrated, that I am sure you knew wasn't necessary.

The best choice would have been to walk away.

And since you had two choices and you didn't take the higher ground, you are now feeling let down.

Understandable. You made the more poorer choice in the situation and you lost control for a few seconds.

You don't want to be that person.

And you don't have to be, but changes need to be made. Not only with this relationship, but as a parent and as a person.

I'm glad you came onto this forum to ask for help, taking the first step is good.

But you need more help than what is offered online. I hope you can phone around and find out what programs or services are available to you near by.

I hope you and your partner get the help you need.

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, Dmrrr said:

Usually when you hear domestic violence stories the guy is some drunk with no job. This man works countless hours and is a decent father. I’m so lost on who’s the real abuser here. Maybe it’s both. 

It's you in this incident.... but there's a lot of verbal abuse in this relationship that isn't good for the kid to grow up in. You guys are making it look normal and geez nobody wants your daughter growing up thinking that this is how men and women treat each other when they love each other. You might not know this but she is slowly being wired to think this is ok behavior, and its not. 

I won't keep telling you what others have already told you on here, because some of them gave you some solid advices in what you need to do.

Seek help and be accountable, if not as a mutual abuser than be accountable for your daughter's upbringing.

Edited by LootieTootie
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11 hours ago, Dmrrr said:

 and is a decent father. I’m so lost on who’s the real abuser here. Maybe it’s both. 

Maybe it's just me, but I can't for the life of me understand how an abuser can be called a "decent father" .  There is nothing decent about abusers, imo.  Nothing.

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16 hours ago, Dmrrr said:

I’m so lost on who’s the real abuser here. Maybe it’s both

In this case, you were the perpetrator of physical attack, but you guys are both abusers. What a terrible dynamic. It must make you feel sick. And I'm sure that hopeless sense of disgust that you feel about yourselves feeds the abusive dynamic even more. 

You can't get yourself out of this alone. You absolutely need to avail yourself of outside help. Definitely contact a domestic violence agency, a social worker, a charity... anything. Keep trying until you find something and don't give up. 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

In this case, you were the perpetrator of physical attack

Absolutely not. He threatened her with raised fists, she warned him to back down and when he continued the aggression she defended herself.

This is precisely why she can get a restraining order directly and him removed from Her and her mother's house. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Absolutely not. He threatened her with raised fists, she warned him to back down and when he continued the aggression she defended herself

Actually, she says otherwise:

22 hours ago, Dmrrr said:

I feel like I was wrong because technically the threat had already stopped and he was just standing there with his arms behind his back taunting me. And I still did it.

However, this is still a dangerous situation for all of them, and particularly bad for the child. They should stay as far apart from each other as they possibly can.

 

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I think she's long gone.

However...you two seem to want to hurt one another. And your poor child has to live with the damage caused by self absorbed parents who think their drama games are more important than she is.

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