I pepper sprayed my boyfriend/childs father

[Dmrrr]

I’m not really sure how to word this. I’ve been with my child’s father since I was 16. I’m 24 now. I have a history of drug use with him but we have both been clean for almost 5 years since I had my daughter. The constant fighting and abuse hasn’t stopped though. When we were using he used to hit me but he hasn’t in quite a few years. However when we argue and he screams at me it really it triggers my PTSD from everything in the past. We fight constantly and I’m definitely not innocent because I also start fights and call him names, and he does the same to me. I try to keep it away from my daughter but he does it in front of her constantly. I tell him to leave and he won’t. This is such a small amount of backstory there’s so much more to it.. We were arguing this morning because he was getting my daughter ready for school and I saw her face was dirty and I said “I should just get her ready every morning since you don’t even clean her face.” I know it wasn’t the right thing to say but I feel so depressed all the time and I just start fights for no reason sometimes. Anyway, he started screaming in my face and balled up his fists at me. Like I said when he does this it triggers my PTSD and I feel like I need to react first so that if it does escalate I have a chance of getting the best of him. I got my pepper spray and jumped on him and said if he doesn’t stop screaming and balling his fists up at me I was going to spray him. My daughter was in the room. He said “do it, do it.” I told my daughter to leave the room and I did it. I feel like I was wrong because technically the threat had already stopped and he was just standing there with his arms behind his back taunting me. And I still did it. I feel so bad. He looked like he was in so much pain. I’m so confused. Usually when you hear domestic violence stories the guy is some drunk with no job. This man works countless hours and is a decent father. I’m so lost on who’s the real abuser here. Maybe it’s both. 

[boltnrun]

Your poor child.

She will be removed from you if the two of you don't stop this toxic and abusive behavior TOWARD HER. And yes, it's abuse for her to witness the two of you going at each other.

Call a domestic violence agency TODAY and ask for help and resources. And get your child into counseling immediately.

[Seraphim]

Call an abuse hotline and PLEASE get counselling . At this point you are BOTH choosing to destroy your child. I have PTSD in part due to my parents domestic violence BS. For the love of your child stop!!! Get help before she is removed by children’s services . 

[DancingFool]

In this particular situation, the abuser is YOU.

YOU intentionally taunted him into a fight and then YOU attacked him by spraying him. As is typical of abusers, you are trying to blame him for your actions - it's ptsd, it's the past, etc, etc, etc. You know what it actually is? Complete and utter BS.

There is no reason for you to be in a relationship you don't feel safe in or where you simply don't get along with your partner. Part ways, get medical help for your ptsd, and co-parent like two normal people. There is NO reason for you and him to be living together and attacking each other. Keep in mind also, that drug use is usually a symptom of undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, so get help, get diagnosed and get your life together.

The only victim here is your poor child.

[Dmrrr]

9 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

In this particular situation, the abuser is YOU.

YOU intentionally taunted him into a fight and then YOU attacked him by spraying him. As is typical of abusers, you are trying to blame him for your actions - it's ptsd, it's the past, etc, etc, etc. You know what it actually is? Complete and utter BS.

There is no reason for you to be in a relationship you don't feel safe in or where you simply don't get along with your partner. Part ways, get medical help for your ptsd, and co-parent like two normal people. There is NO reason for you and him to be living together and attacking each other. Keep in mind also, that drug use is usually a symptom of undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, so get help, get diagnosed and get your life together.

The only victim here is your poor child.

I have a feeling you’re a man 🤔

[DancingFool]

8 minutes ago, Dmrrr said:

I have a feeling you’re a man 🤔

Nope. Very much a woman last time I checked.

Women can be just as abusive as men and again, in this particular scenario, YOU were the aggressor in every respect. Own it and fix it. You don't get to claim "but I'm a woman" card when you are the aggressor and the instigator. Sorry, but no sympathy here for you.

Also, I did point out that YOU need to get out of this toxic relationship regardless. Pay attention instead of playing victim. You aren't the victim here. Your child is, sadly.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Dmrrr said:

I tell him to leave and he won’t.  he started screaming in my face and balled up his fists at me.  he doesn’t stop screaming and balling his fists up at me I was going to spray him. 

You need to move out or get a restraining order for him to leave.  You can't keep using pepper spray to manage an abuser.

Sooner or later your child will get taken away and one or both of you will be in jail. 

Stop the madness.

[Dmrrr]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

You need to move out or get a restraining order for him to leave.  You can't keep using pepper spray to manage an abuser.

Sooner or later your child will get taken away and one or both of you will be in jail. 

Stop the madness.

I agree. We live with my family and pay rent. It’s technically my moms house. I’ve asked her for help in the past to get him out and she says she doesn’t want to get involved. That’s probably my fault for always going back to him in the past. I really mean it this time just being around him makes me feel sick. Would I need my mothers permission to have him kicked out by police if it’s her house? This post is making me feel like I’m a terrible mother. I swear I’m not. My daughter loves us both but I do notice she is afraid of him sometimes. 

[LaHermes]

40 minutes ago, Dmrrr said:

The constant fighting and abuse hasn’t stopped though.

Over eight years! Have you no idea how toxic and dysfunctional your "relationship" is. Take the good advice offered by the others.  

 

41 minutes ago, Dmrrr said:

Usually when you hear domestic violence stories the guy is some drunk with no job.

Absolutely WRONG, OP!! Domestic violence (both physical and psychological) does happen in households right across the social spectrum.  Alcohol is not necessarily the component in most domestic violence scenarios, nor is unemployment. 

It's your child who is suffering the effects of the abusive behaviour, and believe me it could mark her psychologically for life.  The child protection agency may well take her from you if this utterly unacceptable behaviour continues. 

Get help, OP.   See a doctor. Sort yourself out. 

46 minutes ago, Dmrrr said:

I feel so depressed all the time and I just start fights for no reason sometimes.

 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Dmrrr said:

Would I need my mothers permission to have him kicked out by police if it’s her house?

No. Get a restraining order and he will not only be forced to leave but will not be allowed near you, your mother or your child. Tell them about the abuse and raising his fists, etc.

Call the police when he is not there and file a report and get an emergency order of protection. he will only be allowed back with a sheriff to collect his things.

[Dmrrr]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

Over eight years! Have you no idea how toxic and dysfunctional your "relationship" is. Take the good advice offered by the others.  

 

Absolutely WRONG, OP!! Domestic violence (both physical and psychological) does happen in households right across the social spectrum.  Alcohol is not necessarily the component in most domestic violence scenarios, nor is unemployment. 

It's your child who is suffering the effects of the abusive behaviour, and believe me it could mark her psychologically for life.  The child protection agency may well take her from you if this utterly unacceptable behaviour continues. 

Get help, OP.   See a doctor. Sort yourself out. 

 

He doesn’t allow me to have friends. I literally have 0 people to talk to about any of this. I’m so isolated. I think that’s part of why I stay with him, just so I have some sort of human interaction. He’s literally the only opinion I have on things. As much as these comments hurt me and make me feel like a bad mother, I really do appreciate it and it makes me see how delusional I’ve been. So thank you. 

[Dmrrr]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No. Get a restraining order and he will not only be forced to leave but will not be allowed near you, your mother or your child. Tell them about the abuse and raising his fists, etc.

Call the police when he is not there and file a report and get an emergency order of protection. he will only be allowed back with a sheriff to collect his things.

Thank you I really appreciate this. I have no friends because he doesn’t let me and has a problem with any new friends I try to make. I just feel so isolated. This forum is making me realize how badly my perception is skewed. Thank you. I found a hotline for my area.

[LaHermes]

Just now, Dmrrr said:

I’m so isolated. I think that’s part of why I stay with him, just so I have some sort of human interaction

That is dreadful.  He doesn't allow you to have friends.  That in itself is highly abusive.

You must seek help, call a hotline and get away from him as soon as you can.  Do this for your child, and for yourself. What you describe is no life.

[Hollyj]

Why are you doing this to your child?!   Get away from this guy as he is very abusive.  

Kick him out!

A "decent father" does not treat the mother in this manner.   I feel for your child.

[Dmrrr]

9 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Why are you doing this to your child?!   Get away from this guy as he is very abusive.  

Do you have family you can go to?  if not, utilize the resources in your area and leave.  Now!

 

A "decent father" does not treat the mother in this manner.   I feel for your child.

We actually live with my mother and my sister. We pay rent but it’s technically her house. I’ve asked her for help leaving in the past and she says she doesn’t want to get involved. I don’t necessarily blame her as there have been so many times over the years that I’ve just gone back to him. However, another user said I can still have him removed from the home even though it’s not my house. So that’s what I’m going to do. I almost feel like a hostage. I tell him how bad we’re hurting our daughter and it’s better for us to be apart. He will NOT leave. He also pays most of the bills and holds things like that over my head. I try to have an adult conversation about separating and he almost like talks in circles and acts so confused until I’m so tired of debating about it and trying to explain my point that I just give up and let him stay. I guess it’s just manipulation tactics. Also, someone commented and said I’M an abuser as well. That really upset me because I know I’m better than this. I know I’m a good person and am just with someone that brings out the absolute worst in me. Sometimes I feel like the only way I’d ever truly get away from him is if one of us died. Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it.

[DancingFool]

Look, I know you hate what I'm saying but I pray that you hear me anyway.

When you instigate a fight by calling him incompetent and then go ahead and pepper spray him when he reacts - this makes you the aggressor and that can have serious consequences for you. It gives him the right to claim that you are dangerous to him, unstable and gives him the right to take away your child. THINK ON THAT...plllleeeeeaaaassssssseeeee!

As a rent paying tenant, YOU can evict him, BUT talk to an attorney first on how to go about that. Your mother has nothing to do with this and yes, she won't get involved when she already knows from experience that you'll just keep going back to him. YOU need to make a permanent decision once and for all  and act accordingly. If you can't afford legal help, there are free legal clinics and legal aid - look up offices in your area. Google "legal aid" At the very least you can get free legal consultations and get some guidance. There are also abuse hotlines to direct you to assistance for free.

Bottom line though is that YOU have to stop the cycle and get the help that you need to move on, including therapy for yourself.

Btw, Goodwill provides counseling, paid psychiatrists, work training and work placement services for women and men fleeing abuse or simply seeking to get back on their feet for all kinds of reasons - drugs, abuse, etc. Look online for main offices rather than small centers selling clothes.

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, Dmrrr said:

he almost like talks in circles and acts so confused until I’m so tired of debating about it

He is the worst type of abuser, OP. Manipulative, cunning, isolates you, bullies you. 

You can have him removed from your home. But you need to stop debating or engaging with him.  Get legal advice.  He will have to leave.  And when he does he will still have to give you child maintenance and yes, you will have to work to pay your bills. 

Again, do not, do not, respond to his taunts. That's what he wants you to do.

[Seraphim]

When my mom FINALLY left my dad for good it was the best thing she ever did and she found much happiness in her life . 

[Hollyj]

5 minutes ago, Dmrrr said:

We actually live with my mother and my sister. We pay rent but it’s technically her house. I’ve asked her for help leaving in the past and she says she doesn’t want to get involved. I don’t necessarily blame her as there have been so many times over the years that I’ve just gone back to him. However, another user said I can still have him removed from the home even though it’s not my house. So that’s what I’m going to do. I almost feel like a hostage. I tell him how bad we’re hurting our daughter and it’s better for us to be apart. He will NOT leave. He also pays most of the bills and holds things like that over my head. I try to have an adult conversation about separating and he almost like talks in circles and acts so confused until I’m so tired of debating about it and trying to explain my point that I just give up and let him stay. I guess it’s just manipulation tactics. Also, someone commented and said I’M an abuser as well. That really upset me because I know I’m better than this. I know I’m a good person and am just with someone that brings out the absolute worst in me. Sometimes I feel like the only way I’d ever truly get away from him is if one of us died. Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it.

You are an adult, why should she get involved?   Throw him out!

If he is abusing you, why would he be allowed to stay?  Stop making excuses and contact a hotline and ask about a path to getting him out.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Dmrrr said:

This man works countless hours and is a decent father. I’m so lost on who’s the real abuser here. Maybe it’s both. 

You two are toxic for each other.

You two argue/ threaten violence physically and verbally.. and are showing your daughter how unhealthy this relationship is. 😕 

HIS behaviour at you in unacceptable.. and you should have acted out long ago, by splitting up.  As you already know you have PTSD by being with him.

Is time to get out of this.. for everyone's sanity!

 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Dmrrr said:

 I can still have him removed from the home even though it’s not my house. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Absolutely. He's a danger to you, your mother and your child. Talk with the local police and get an order of protection.  It's not about 'asking him to leave or an eviction.

In the case of threatened violence and a history of violence you Do Not need to bother with eviction. A restraining order is a de facto eviction. And that is appropriate in your own home with a child and your mother. 

It's about threatening you with physical violence. You have every right to defend yourself in your (and your mother's) own home. Including pepper spray. 

Even if you call a hotline, the first thing they will ask you is if you need help filing an order of protection. Because That is step # 1.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

[itsallgrand]

Call the hotline ASAP and we are here to support you in getting out. 

You've made a first step posting here. Calling the hotline is another. One step at a time, you can do this. 

[melancholy123]

Why do you even HAVE pepper spray?  You need to get rid of it before your kid gets a hold of it and sprays it in her own face.

You are an abuser of your child, so is he.  You think your kid doesn't see or hear what's going on?  She sure does.  She may not understand but she knows it's not right.

Childrens" Aid will take her away before long if you guys dont smarten up.  Get the lout our your house, today.

 

[Dmrrr]

2 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

Why do you even HAVE pepper spray?  You need to get rid of it before your kid gets a hold of it and sprays it in her own face.

You are an abuser of your child, so is he.  You think your kid doesn't see or hear what's going on?  She sure does.  She may not understand but she knows it's not right.

Childrens" Aid will take her away before long if you guys dont smarten up.  Get the lout our your house, today.

 

I’m a dancer and also LOTS of women carry pepper spray for their own safety. I keep it far out of her reach. It also has a safety lock.