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Wedding With Fiancé’s Sister


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Posted (edited)

I dont think I would want her there for the whole week either. 

It sounds as though she is going to need a babysitter, as harsh as that sounds. 

It is your wedding week, which should be wonderful & full of good memories. It shouldnt be you on tender hooks wondering if/when his Sister is going to relapse.

I hope this doesnt cause issue with you & your fiance. I think his Mother is very rude asking for her Daughter to be taken with you.

Edited by shellyf62
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I know she has a daily report center she goes to for testing and I believe she takes classes, I’m guessing they’d excuse a week for a wedding and that’s how she’d be able to go or maybe it’s biweekly or something. Also maybe virtual right now in the wake of COVID stuff. She’s a while away from getting her kids back though, unfortunately, lots of health problems from the opiates. She almost didn’t make it last year about a month after having her second son. 

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1 hour ago, Cutiebug123 said:

I just don’t understand why his mom is even putting us in that position

You do though.  You said this sister just got kicked out of rehab fairly recently.  She has kids (!!) that she's been neglecting.  And now your MIL wants to reward her with a free vacation while the bride and groom babysit this grown adult woman who neglects her kids?

LOL  No way.

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You know I could see this differently though, if she had successfully completed rehab, got clean, and then your MIL was like, "Oh go on, have fun, I'll watch the kids for you."  But it's not like that.

She's irresponsible and has proven that overtime.

If you cave in to your husband trying to make you think this isn't a potential risk for making the week go badly, then there's a good chance when or if she does do something that does make it go badly, you're going to feel intense anger, rage, and resentment at your husband for not believing you and guilt-tripping you into doing something you know isn't right.

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Thank you, I’m glad that I’m not totally crazy and a total b****. I hate upsetting people and I feel guilty putting my fiancé in a position to say no when he would just be meh about it but it just doesn’t sit well with me and like you said I just want it to be an amazing week for us and if something happens it’s going to ruin it and I just desperately don’t want that. 

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If you invited his family to stay in the house too, but they decided that the parents won't but the sister still will --- how are you going to disinvite her. If your parents rented the house so that grandma and they had a place to stay -- that's different -- but you DID eventually invite EVERYONE.

Let the sister drive down with you.  Be WELCOMING to your future sister in law. This is a chance to make her part of the family - =maybe the parents never being married and the family being so disjointed affected her a bit too and she self medicated.  Not everyone who went to rehab is "bad"- she is making a fresh start of things.  I don't look at it as mom pawning her off on you -- but consideration that she is also part of the group = your sibs, you and the groom vs the parental age group. 

So if the sister causes trouble -- then you and your groom both witnessed it and you can make the decision as a united front what to do - but part of me thinks you would be waiting for her to screw up.

Give her a chance.  Don't be so uppity.

 

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2 hours ago, Cutiebug123 said:

here’s just never been an occasion for everyone to get together,

But why does everyone have to get together. Could you not had lunch at some point with just his mother, or just his dad vs things having to be a big family gathering?  I really don't think you should be getting married if you met his mom once or something. You should have met all his siblings as well. 

Do you think being in Psychology -- that at any level you were attracted to him because of the case study his family seems to be?

Do what you want -- if you want to say you have no room in the car  ok but maybe mom was hoping being actually included would help her.

If you are not doing a honeymoon - that's your deal -- you can take one later.  But you can't invite some family and not others because you want it to have a honeymoon aura

 

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18 minutes ago, Cutiebug123 said:

Thank you, I’m glad that I’m not totally crazy and a total b****. I hate upsetting people and I feel guilty putting my fiancé in a position to say no when he would just be meh about it but it just doesn’t sit well with me and like you said I just want it to be an amazing week for us and if something happens it’s going to ruin it and I just desperately don’t want that. 

I don’t think you’re crazy at all. You didn’t just wake up and dislike his sister because your personalities are different. She has legitimate issues. We all do, to some extent. But such a special time in your life shouldn’t be made so stressful and daunting because of one individual with a history of messing things up. 

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You are making a lot of assumptions here, with the biggest one being that you are somehow personally responsible for his sister. Who told you that? Also, assuming that if something happens, his mother will hold you personally responsible? Again, who told you that? Did the mother say, "I'm holding you responsible?" I bet not.

Why are you assuming that the sister cannot be social with your fam and siblings? Why does it necessarily have to be you personally? Again, who told you that?

If she does go off the rails, she is an adult who is responsible for herself. Why do you want to claim responsibility for her and her actions?

Be careful that you don't place the weight of the world on your shoulders when nobody is actually asking you to do so. Don't martyr yourself.

Something to think about, not just for the wedding, but in general. Don't mix your job as a counselor with your personal life and learn how to have boundaries for yourself. "Not my problem" might be a good mantra for you to repeat to yourself at times.

Ultimately, this is your wedding and you have every right to say no if that's going to stress you out. It sounds like your fiance is on board and respects that even if he doesn't quite understand why. That's OK. Sometimes your partner respecting your feelings is all you can get and that's enough. 

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1 hour ago, Cutiebug123 said:

I know she has a daily report center she goes to for testing and I believe she takes classes, I’m guessing they’d excuse a week for a wedding and that’s how she’d be able to go or maybe it’s biweekly or something. Also maybe virtual right now in the wake of COVID stuff. She’s a while away from getting her kids back though, unfortunately, lots of health problems from the opiates. She almost didn’t make it last year about a month after having her second son. 

I think her focus should be on the recovery and kids. 

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Posted (edited)

Originally, like I said, she was going to be in rehab so there was an assumption she wasn’t even coming when I invited everyone. And I know his mom, I see her more than anyone else in his family and I never said that I hadn’t met his sister. I’ve met her and been around her, but only really at holidays. His mom we see more like once a month, his dad like once a quarter and literally everyone else maybe twice a year. Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family hasn’t met his sister so it’s inevitably going to be awkward to have 6 people who are all super comfortable with each other and one extra person. She was never invited in this way, she’s invited really as an extension of my fiancé’s mom. Her mom is creating this situation that otherwise wasn’t in the realm of possibilities. I don’t think she’s a bad person or anything, I just don’t want to have to keep her feeling included and keep an eye on her and pay for her and have her around us 24/7. If she had a partner or friend that she could ride down with, that would be different. But she’s going to be totally on us. And I agree that I shouldn’t necessarily make it my responsibility and that’s something I need to work on but I can’t change that about myself in less than a month and the bottom line is that it’ll make the week really emotionally taxing on me and I felt that wasn’t fair. Honestly my fiancé has come fully around (we haven’t talked since I called him at like 1pm but when I got home he was apologetic of originally getting defensive and agreed that it’s not only uncomfortable but could be dangerous to have her there unattended) and I feel better with the positive responses and those that understand where I’m coming from. Thanks for all the responses either way. 

Edited by Cutiebug123
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32 minutes ago, Cutiebug123 said:

I hate upsetting people and I feel guilty putting my fiancé in a position to say no 

Yes, I understand.  I get very upset that I can't please everyone, especially my in-laws, who are just insanely hard to please (example: they got angry we didn't accept gifts for our kids right when we were moving last year, and politely asked them to wait until a few weeks when we were in the new house). 

His father threw a fit and ranted and raved at my husband.  But I was 8 months pregnant and didn't want to deal with the extra gifts/toys, clutter and trash around while moving 🤷‍♀️.  To some people, saying, "Sorry, we can't do that," is offensive.  Hopefully your future husband's family will understand.

We've caved many times to them over the almost 14 years, even when we knew better, and they've caused unnecessary drama at more than enough events because we were too nice.

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What is the alternative if she doesn't travel with you?  How is she to get there?

I really do see your point that you dont want to be "stuck" with her for a week but why are you so convinced she cant get along with your family for a while each day so you and your fiancé can go out?  You are not a babysitter for a grown woman!

If anyone has to tell her or mom and dad NO it needs to be your fiancé since it's his family member.

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I really don't like the fact that your future MIL put you and your fiancé in this situation. But I think it says a lot about her, so be sure you know that this MIL is not a considerate person even if she presents herself this way.

However just like family, sometimes you get some crazy ones and like anyone with crazy family members, you gotta make the best of the situation. So I'm with Dancing and Melancholy. Sometimes you just don't know and you can't jump to conclusions. Just be the bigger person because it might very well be that she is excited and can't wait to be around everyone and be social. 

Now saying that... I know that's easier said than done because my husband and I've talked about if his sister (she has a drug addiction and also mentally unstable) appears at our front door, what we will do. My husband will welcome her because he said she's family (he also has a bleeding heart because his sister was always his best friend as kids and took care of him.) I on the other hand, thought exactly like you. Thinking "oh I don't know, what if she steals? do I have to watch her if she goes through withdrawals? Or what if she cleans up just to relapse? why? what? who?" 

This is what my husband said to me that helped me put things in perspective. Family is family. You help them when they need you the most especially when they rarely ask anything from you. Secondly, love is about giving that person the benefit of the doubt until you can't any more because they've become too disruptive and detriment to your own mental health (I said I'll give her a month tops if she really wants to be clean ha)

I know you don't know your brother's sister to love her and same for me. But like someone said, when you marry a person, you marry in to the family. You treat them like your own family. Would you say no to your own sister if she had the same illness as your brother's sister and your mom invited her to be there for a week? 

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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, Cutiebug123 said:

 she was ready to call and ask what the hell his mom was thinking 😂 

Exactly. Boundaries. Boundaries. That's the key to a happy marriage when it comes to in-laws.

Set the tone right away. Say no and say it often. This mother seems like the give an inch take a mile type.

She may perceive you and your family as kind and generous, so figured "what better time to dump my druggie daughter on others?"

She's a liability. If the mother is so concerned, why isn't she babysitting her when she got kicked out of rehab?

It's completely outrageous and everyone knows it.

Edited by Wiseman2
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This isn’t a vacation for his sister, this is your wedding. 
 

Talk with him about this, this week is all about you and him. 
 

It was wrong for your STBMIL impose on you like this. You could always get your parents to say no for you. 

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Would you say no to your own sister if she had the same illness as your brother's sister

What "illness"? She was kicked out of rehab.

Please do not compare voluntary drug users/people who refuse help to real illnesses.

This is not someone who's doing rounds of chemo for cancer and is close to the OP or her fiancé.

And No, people should not enable anyone, including their own families. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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I agree with Wiseman.  And I mean, even people with mental illnesses (like my brother), you can have strict boundaries and leave them out of important situations if it's necessary.

So one thing we've had to do that with is a few of the births of our children.  He wasn't healthy at the time, in fact, he was very dangerous (and ended up being hospitalized), so OF COURSE I didn't want him showing up when I had just had a c-section and a newborn to care for in the hospitals.

It sucked leaving him out at those times, but it was the best for everyone.  Can you imagine if I let my husband deal with all that anxiety and insisted it, "wasn't a big deal," if something went wrong after we invited him?  My husband would feel put in a bad place... that's where this OP has been put.

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Basically the rule of thumb should be...

If you're a difficult person (through addiction choices that aren't resolved, mental illness or saying mean/rude insults) don't be surprised if you're left out sometimes 🤷‍♀️.  It's not always about you. 

And it's not other people's job to make you feel included if you're difficult (through any of those means).  Other people have the right to protect themselves (or their event, or their child's event, etc.) from someone who is difficult, who may ruin it in some way.

 

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Posted (edited)

This is when you need to TALK to your future husband. This is the person you should express your concerns FIRMLY, and adjust plans to have her be somewhere else.

I get it, this seems really unfair if you don't feel comfortable. This is about your and your fiance's day. Dragging in the family baggage should be a no go if you are finding yourself with worry.

I thought more about this last night, and her not knowing anyone, being away from what she is familiar with, and getting the vibe from you that she is an intrusion, that right there can trigger her to start using. I would go back and have a discussion with your fiance. This is your only chance to make this right for everyone.

Edited by smackie9
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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Basically the rule of thumb should be...

If you're a difficult person (through addiction choices that aren't resolved, mental illness or saying mean/rude insults) don't be surprised if you're left out sometimes 🤷‍♀️.  It's not always about you. 

And it's not other people's job to make you feel included if you're difficult (through any of those means).  Other people have the right to protect themselves (or their event, or their child's event, etc.) from someone who is difficult, who may ruin it in some way.

 

Absolutely!  This is why my SIL was not invited to our daughter's wedding.  She's unstable, a drama queen, liar, attention seeker who had the real potential to try and make it all about her.

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Since she is family and you wanted to have a destination wedding (i.e. you are having a party to celebrate your wedding, not just a ceremony with immediate family) I think you have to accept her as a guest at the wedding because she is family -and close family -your future MIL's daughter.  This was one reason I had a ten person wedding at my in law's home and I still had to make sacrifices (like not getting to stay at my parents' house the night before the wedding so my sister could stay there instead).  I think you need to put your desire for this perfect day behind the priority to have her there as difficult as it is.  

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Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What "illness"? She was kicked out of rehab.

Please do not compare voluntary drug users/people who refuse help to real illnesses.

This is not someone who's doing rounds of chemo for cancer and is close to the OP or her fiancé.

And No, people should not enable anyone, including their own families. 

There is a polarizing hot debate about this. There are people who are genetically predisposed to addiction (hence why some people have called it an illness). I won't go in to details because I am no scientist but have read studies on this.

You might not agree but I will chalk it up to lack of empathy and experience.

Edited by LootieTootie
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I’ve gotten my answer, I really appreciate everyone’s time and responses. I wasn’t really ever asking if everyone else thought she should spend the week with us, more whether I’m being selfish for not wanting her to given all the reasons I’ve already described. She’s invited to the wedding and I want her there, the alternative to coming with us Sunday is coming with her mom on Thursday which means she’ll still be there for the wedding but this way she’s there when the rest of his family is there and not the odd one out plus all the other concerns I have for and about her. Although some people really think it should be fine, I’ve heard enough people say they wouldn’t want to have the same happen to them to decide I’m not being selfish. My thoughts are that if she was able to get herself there, it would even be different. But the idea of her being there alone with no family but my fiancé who she isn’t close with and my family who she doesn’t know and me when we aren’t close by any means and have nothing in common with no transportation or resources for herself is too much considering it’s our wedding week and we want to be able to focus on each other. Thanks again everyone, sorry to anyone who thinks I’m being unfair 🤷🏻‍♀️ This is why I even went the route of having a tiny destination wedding with immediate family only. I’m extremely introverted and having her there the entire week is just not a good idea. 

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